To discuss a new TV feature: "Reality Check" with The Pickup Artist

I'm flushed with blog ideas lately...
For instance, there's another co-blog coming up this month, this time with Ben from No Ordinary Rollercoaster. There are no words to describe it, just Crayola colors- midnight blue, burnt sienna, goldenrod...

But first, a new feature I like to call Reality Check. For this post, I'll be pausing my Tivo throughout an episode of VH1's trashtastic, "The Pickup Artist." I'll give you two options on what happens next (1 real, 1 made-up). You get to guess which option is the true description of what happens. Sound easy? Um, have you seen "The Pickup Artist?" It makes Rock of Love look like The Love Boat.

A brief description- A gangly, pale guy, Mystery, is supposedly the world's best guy at picking up girls. He wants to use his powers to help those in need, so Vh1 brings on a bunch of nerdy guys who have never touched a woman, and Mystery and his helpers teach the guys how to get girls, using sleazy tactics such as "lie and say you have friends coming soon when you don't." Even better, you get to watch the guys fail miserably on hidden camera. Vh1 could have saved money by filming my middle school years, but I digress.

The Reality Check Quiz:

1. Mystery has the guys meet him at a resort to give them their first challenge. Does he ask them to...

• A) Participate in a date auction for charity, where the guys gets to be the take-home prize, not dissimilar from a weekend getaway or an espresso machine. The winner also gets to have Mystery's assistant, Tara, help them pick up girls the next night during a challenge.
  
• B) Dress up in fuzzy hats and tight-fitting velvet pants to create an aura of smoothness. Then, they are to go up to a girl, rub their shirt fabric and say, "Is this felt? Well, it is now."

2. In describing the challenge, Mystery says...

• A) "I am now your pimp. You are now my ho."
• B) "Let's just see how much your value is worth... in dollars!"

3. Brian is up first in the auction, trying to convince women to bid on him. He gyrates on stage, and is excited to see older women...

• A) Start gyrating in their seats, which he believes is because they are turned on, but in reality, they are having a hot flash.
  
• B) Fight to win the top bid, leading him to say he hopes the cougars will introduce him to their daughters.

4. After the auction, Mystery wants the guys to prepare specific routines that work when picking up a "hired gun." He tells them that a hired gun means...

• A) A woman, such as a model, bartender, or vice presidential candidate, who basically always gets what she wants in life because she's hot and people hire her for her looks.
• B) An Angelie Jolie type, a la "Mr. and Mrs. Smith," who is deadly in bed. She's great to hook up with, if you can survive and escape the handcuffs...
  

5. The guys practice pick-up lines on Tara. Simeon's line is...

• A) "You look just like my half-brother... It must be the eyes."
• B) "Is that a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them."

6. Later, Brian, who is Asian but somehow has a Jew fro, approaches a group of several bikini models (the real "hired guns") who are at a bar. His opening line, followed by his next opening line, is...

• A) "Do you guys think David Copperfield is hot?...You look like a rejected cast member on Sunset Tan."
  
• B) "Do you guys think David Bowie is hot?... You have the orange-est tan I've ever seen."

7. Matt tells a girl she has Man Hands. Her response is...

• A) Giggle, then crack open a lobster with her bare hands.
• B) Flirt, then quickly realize that's not a nice thing for a guy to say
  

8. Simeon later hits on Man Hands, and talks about pedicures (maybe she has Man Feet, too). He succeeds in getting the girl's number, in part because his fingernails:

• A) Are painted black, either to be trendy or to look like an angst-ridden 9th grade emo girl who writes poetry about caves and nooses.
• B) Are all cut short except for the pinkie finger, cause that's how pimps show they don't work with their hands. That's where the pimp ring goes.

9. After the challenge, Mystery hands out medallions to those who will remain in the house. The medallion has an orange icon, Jera, which he says symbolizes...

• A) The promise of success, as a Pick-up Artist and as a Pick-up an STD Artist
• B) The Promise of A New Day, sung by Paula Abdul.

10. Brian gets kicked off, but he seems optimistic about his future. So optimistic, he eloquently predicts he is...

• A) "One step closer to seeing a woman naked in real life who is aware I am looking at her and won't ask me to leave the cash on the dresser when I'm done."
• B) "Ready for K-I-S-S-Infinity S's, on my lips, by a girl this time, instead of by a mannequin... or a guy."
  

-------------Answer Key-------------
1. A 2. B 3. B. 4. A 5. A 6. B 7. B 8. A (although I wish it was B) 9. A 10. B

How did you do?