Still reading? No? Well come back tomorrow for something more family friendly. If I go to church with you, pretend this never happened.
The rest of you? I like your style. This is the as-advertised breakdown of:
Which body part creates the worst experience for its owner because of how it causes uncomfortable, painful, or embarrassing experiences:
The male's twig and berries OR
The female's va-jay-jay.
Capricorn reviewed the female list to make sure I covered the bases. To make this clear, these are not all things that we've personally experienced- many are from what we've heard, read or seen. So feel free to weigh in on this lengthy post. Let's get this genital party started:
Reasons for the penis:
- Shrinkage- Unlike Ladybits, a manpiece can become much smaller than normal in cold weather or in cold water. Comparatively, boobs do not dramatically recoil when in a cold pool.
- Morning wood- Your day can start off on the wrong foot before you've even opened your eyes, as your manpiece is already up and raring to go, just as your mother walks in the room.
- Cough cough test- Not that it's the same as a trip to the gyno, but every man who has ever had a high school physical for a sports team knows what this is all about. Turn your head and cough twice while some strange dude becomes the only person other than yourself to have seen your penis since you hit puberty (unless you already started fooling around with a girl, and let's face it, you haven't). Some guys avoided playing sports altogether just to avoid the cough cough test.
- Erections in embarrassing locations: Church. School. Near children. Near animals. On the bus. On the plane. An erection is the green eggs and ham of the body: There are few places I'd like to have one, but it sprouts up anyway while we're singing Amazing Grace. Women (and perhaps, my pastor) need to understand this: This occurrence is out of our control. It just happens. It's not like I'm getting hard from reading Songs of Solomon... just kind of.
- It's itchy: We have to adjust it all the time because the berries get contorted and uncomfortable and we have to adjust ourselves, sometimes in the presence of others.
- The manpiece doesn't get PMS, so if we're in a bad mood, we can't blame it on anything but ourselves.
- It looks funny, like an underdeveloped arm staring at your feet.
- No matter the size, it's never big enough. This is especially true if you've showered next to a black dude.
- If you get an erection and need to pee without a urinal nearby, you are forced to stand at a rakish angle normally reserved for Picasso paintings and spinal cord injuries.
- If you are turned on but rather not let the other person know, you can't hide it. It's basically hitting them in the face (so to speak).
- You can't fake "it" unless you have a condom, or, perhaps, a squirt gun.
- Catheters go up a very tiny hole.
- There are common cosmetic surgery procedures to make boobs look nicer, or even make the ladybits look pre-childbirth again. There really is no good way to make a manpiece bigger that doesn't involve a roof, some rope and a sandbag.
- Eventually, a manpiece will stop working without the aid of a blue pill.
- A kick in the balls hurts much worse than a kick in the vagina.
- There are times when you can't wear mesh shorts.
- Jock itch
- Menstrual cycle
- A manpiece never needs a tampon or pad.
- Men don't have a week out of every month when they are doubled over in pain, nausea and cramps.
- You have to keep the lady bits trimmed, shaved or waxed (and that shit hurts), while the guys can mostly get away with au naturale.
- There are trips to a specialty doctor, who prods and pokes you for a pap smear like Star Trek: Deep Space Vagina.
- Unexpected periods without a tampon available, turning your seat into Lake Menstrual. Or if you are in a situation where you just can't leave. Then, when you leave, you have to ask another girl to make sure "Everything's OK" with the seat and their outfit.
- That one time when you were in the pool with your crush and ohmygod your tampon just, like, totally, floated out and he was all like, Ewwww.... (Wait, that might be from Seventeen)
- It's harder for a woman to hit a climax with her parts than it is for a man to hit a climax with his man parts.
- Guys never have to practice on a fruit or vegetable before they give oral.
- Childbirth (only allowed to claim this one if you've actually had it. Hearing about it from a friend or relative doesn't count.)
- A penis isn't going to drastically change shape because of age, sex partners or child birth.
- Yeast infections
- Queafs- Nature's mood killer.
- A kick in the vagina hurts worse than a kick in the balls.
- Cameltoe- Like a hermit crab trying to bust free from a spandex shell.
Discuss (keep the comments clean... well, at least avoid language that would make a trucker blush clean), then vote in the reader poll.