Sunday, January 4, 2009

To discuss the birds and the bees between the knees: A competition

Let me put the warning up front here. This is one of the most sexually-charged, grossest, adult posts I've done, although it's just for fun. It uses the word "penis" and "vagina" more than the stripper teacher in Varsity Blues.
Still reading? No? Well come back tomorrow for something more family friendly. If I go to church with you, pretend this never happened.
The rest of you? I like your style. This is the as-advertised breakdown of:

Which body part creates the worst experience for its owner because of how it causes uncomfortable, painful, or embarrassing experiences:
The male's twig and berries OR
The female's va-jay-jay.

Capricorn reviewed the female list to make sure I covered the bases. To make this clear, these are not all things that we've personally experienced- many are from what we've heard, read or seen. So feel free to weigh in on this lengthy post. Let's get this genital party started:

Reasons for the penis:
  • Shrinkage- Unlike Ladybits, a manpiece can become much smaller than normal in cold weather or in cold water. Comparatively, boobs do not dramatically recoil when in a cold pool.
  • Morning wood- Your day can start off on the wrong foot before you've even opened your eyes, as your manpiece is already up and raring to go, just as your mother walks in the room.
  • Cough cough test- Not that it's the same as a trip to the gyno, but every man who has ever had a high school physical for a sports team knows what this is all about. Turn your head and cough twice while some strange dude becomes the only person other than yourself to have seen your penis since you hit puberty (unless you already started fooling around with a girl, and let's face it, you haven't). Some guys avoided playing sports altogether just to avoid the cough cough test.
  • Erections in embarrassing locations: Church. School. Near children. Near animals. On the bus. On the plane. An erection is the green eggs and ham of the body: There are few places I'd like to have one, but it sprouts up anyway while we're singing Amazing Grace. Women (and perhaps, my pastor) need to understand this: This occurrence is out of our control. It just happens. It's not like I'm getting hard from reading Songs of Solomon... just kind of.
  • It's itchy: We have to adjust it all the time because the berries get contorted and uncomfortable and we have to adjust ourselves, sometimes in the presence of others.
  • The manpiece doesn't get PMS, so if we're in a bad mood, we can't blame it on anything but ourselves.
  • It looks funny, like an underdeveloped arm staring at your feet.
  • No matter the size, it's never big enough. This is especially true if you've showered next to a black dude.
  • If you get an erection and need to pee without a urinal nearby, you are forced to stand at a rakish angle normally reserved for Picasso paintings and spinal cord injuries.
  • If you are turned on but rather not let the other person know, you can't hide it. It's basically hitting them in the face (so to speak).
  • You can't fake "it" unless you have a condom, or, perhaps, a squirt gun.
  • Catheters go up a very tiny hole.
  • There are common cosmetic surgery procedures to make boobs look nicer, or even make the ladybits look pre-childbirth again. There really is no good way to make a manpiece bigger that doesn't involve a roof, some rope and a sandbag.
  • Eventually, a manpiece will stop working without the aid of a blue pill.
  • A kick in the balls hurts much worse than a kick in the vagina.
  • There are times when you can't wear mesh shorts.
  • Jock itch
Reasons for the vagina:
  • Menstrual cycle
  • A manpiece never needs a tampon or pad.
  • Men don't have a week out of every month when they are doubled over in pain, nausea and cramps.
  • You have to keep the lady bits trimmed, shaved or waxed (and that shit hurts), while the guys can mostly get away with au naturale.
  • There are trips to a specialty doctor, who prods and pokes you for a pap smear like Star Trek: Deep Space Vagina.
  • Unexpected periods without a tampon available, turning your seat into Lake Menstrual. Or if you are in a situation where you just can't leave. Then, when you leave, you have to ask another girl to make sure "Everything's OK" with the seat and their outfit.
  • That one time when you were in the pool with your crush and ohmygod your tampon just, like, totally, floated out and he was all like, Ewwww.... (Wait, that might be from Seventeen)
  • It's harder for a woman to hit a climax with her parts than it is for a man to hit a climax with his man parts.
  • Guys never have to practice on a fruit or vegetable before they give oral.
  • Childbirth (only allowed to claim this one if you've actually had it. Hearing about it from a friend or relative doesn't count.)
  • A penis isn't going to drastically change shape because of age, sex partners or child birth.
  • Yeast infections
  • Queafs- Nature's mood killer.
  • A kick in the vagina hurts worse than a kick in the balls.
  • Cameltoe- Like a hermit crab trying to bust free from a spandex shell.
Discuss (keep the comments clean... well, at least avoid language that would make a trucker blush clean), then vote in the reader poll.


Candy's daily Dandy said...

That was awesome!!! AAhhhh ha, ha!

So, I have to vote right? Ok- I'm going with the vagina. Probably because I am a woman and probably because of one simple word-Cameltoe.

Ben said...

Sorry Andy, but I am really, really thankful that three months of my year aren't spent cramping and in pain.

Paula said...

Hmmm, the argument seems fairly well balanced.

But I'm still going for the vagina. Mainly because the embarrassing tampon thing? Sort of happened to me once. (And this was after I wasted an entire box of them trying to work out where exactly it should go - yes, i WAS fairly stupid about this stuff as a kid . . . )

Marinka said...

Why is the man part in blue?!

Lump said...

Wow, dude. Wow.

I'm going to say the vagina wins hands down, and not because I have one either. Here are a few reasons why that you failed to mention.

1) The vagina is more prone to STDs than the penis. It's like a warm moist pocket just asking for it. Now I'm sure the anus is a different story but we're not talking about that here.

2) DISCHARGE. Not yeast infection discharge, the normal regular discharge. Oh the girls know what I'm talking about. They for sure experienced that goop A LOT during their first years of being a "woman."

3) oh we also have GOOD bacteria in there just chillin, keeping the Bad bacteria at bay. But sometimes the bad can run over and take out the good bacteria resulting in Bacterial Vaginosis.

4) and I'll finish with this: the Smell. Ladies eat your veggies to keep that shit smelling like roses... Kind of.

So, yes, the vagina wins.

Plus, you think so too because you like Capricorn's right? ;)

Andy said...

Candy- Glad you liked it- I was hesitant to post this, trust me. And I think you give a solid reason.
Ben- Can't say I disagree. Just trying to represent.
Paula- I'm thrilled I don't need to use tampons (if I was a woman). I'm sure I'd screw that up.
Marinka- Just to differentiate things. And because I thought pink was too fem.... and THAT'S what you noticed? The font color?
Lump- Wow Lump. Wow.

Miss Fabulous said...

"There are common cosmetic surgery procedures to make boobs look nicer, or even make the ladybits look pre-childbirth again. There really is no good way to make a manpiece bigger that doesn't involve a roof, some rope and a sandbag."

This is not true! Have you seen Dr. 90210?? There is such a surgery. I won't get into the nitty gritty here but I guess it can add around 2 inches. http://www.altermd.com/Penis%20Enhancement/penile_lengthening.htm

I just don't think you guys have a chance.I vote vagina!

Astharis said...

I'm on the vagina side, simply because of monthly pains.

But! You missed out wet dreams. I can't even imagine what that must be like. XD

Andy said...

(First of all, Lump, you covered what I was going to say).

Obviously, the vagina.

Because Im a proud owner.

Anonymous said...

I like this post: so is that the proper spelling of Queaf?

*~Dani~* said...

Just wanted to weigh in about your point that a catheter has to go into a very small hole for a man. Same thing for a woman. I would link a picture for you, but when I googled the images, there was one of a 60 year something woman and now I must go bleach my eyes.

Andy said...

Fabulous- Fair enough, but I said "No good way"... That procedure doesn't sound like anything I would do in a million years.
Astharis- Wet dreams- good call. Not like that would have swung the vote, but a good sympathy item.
Andy- You make it sound like your vagina is a used Mercedes.
Alexis- Heck if I know. I would have googled it, but didn't want any visuals...
Dani-... because then you get a visual like this. Sweet fancy Moses!

Anonymous said...

Wow. Just wow.

Diane said...

Even though I've experienced many of the ladybits issues (including childbirth, which, quite frankly, should really take the whole friggin' cake), I still have to offer up some sympathy to the boys. I maintain that it would completely suck not to be in control of such a significant body part.

bex said...

A penis is SO much more embarrassing than a vagina. Maybe its because I've never had an STD or baby. And as a girl whose friend just had a pregnancy scare--monthly visitor, keep on comin'!

Amy xxoo said...

Seriously funny guys... but i'm pretty sure that the pain of childbirth alone far outweighs random erections.

Oh, and cramps where the pain is so bad you can barely roll out of bed - every month for like, 30-40 years of your life? Yea, that beats everything else on the penis list too.

Sam_I_am said...

Hm, Mother Nature has blessed me with very few female issues. I don't have unbelievable cramps or anything. I just get outright mean and that doesn't hurt me at all, so what do I care? lol

As for the poll, you have like ONE male reader, so what do you think will win? ;-)

kisatrtle said...

Wow. dude. wow. While the lists were quite compelling, after having three children and two decades of monthly visits, I cannot in good faith vote for the penis.

TishTash said...

The common ailments of the manparts seem about the same as the common ailments of a pop-up book. Not a very compelling argument for, Andy.

Miss Tiff said...

Wow. I go with the vagina because I suffer through the horrible cramps and pain every month.

Anonymous said...

OK, I was just bitchin' with a group of fantastic ladies the other day, and from our conversation I've got one bullet for you to add to the list arguing for the women:

- losing your tampon (or another object) in your va-jay-jay because it was pushed in too far, and having to go to the doctor to have it removed.


Jossie Posie said...

Star Trek: Deep Space Vagina.

We should just win because of that. Its no fun to have your lady bits prodded and poked especially when your Gyno has a thing for whistling as they examine you. Yeah.

SouthernBelle said...

Team Vagina. All the way.
; )

Actually I'm gonna say the V has more potential for pain and the P has more potential for embarrassment.

: )

Jest said...

I'm with Capricorn on this one, though I suppose I don't have the necessary parts that would allow me to side with you. So, that's where I stand.
Side note: a man should never, ever get away with going au naturel. T'is not pretty.

stealthnerd said...

There wasn't anything about this post that didn't make me laugh. There's nothing like a slightly inappropriate discussion of genitalia to start the work week right!

Liz said...

As a nurse trust me on this... I much rather have a man patient than a woman... A vagina can get some kind of funky...

chris said...

Mother Nature has blessed me with very few female issues. I don't have unbelievable cramps or anything. I just get outright mean and that doesn't hurt me at all, so what do I care?

Little Ms Blogger said...

OMG that was hysterical!

Lizzie said...

Vagina. Hands down. So much comes out of it... it's just wrong. I hate dealing with it. You want to know what's wrong with your penis? Just look down...

And yes, it hurts worse to be kicked in the vagina.

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