To discuss Weekend Update Part II: Fat cats, small dogs, shaved dignity

PetSmart has a special place in my heart.
It's where Capricorn and I went on our second date (as detailed here). It also marks the place I realized Capricorn loves putting outfits on small dogs, such as Bailey, my chiweenie. Coincidentally, it marks the place I realized Bailey hates wearing outfits.
So whenever Capricorn and I make a return visit, as we did this past weekend (here's Part I of the Weekend Update), it's always memorable.
We brought Bailey with us, as well as Capricorn's chihuahua, Leo. We're slowly getting Bailey and Leo to become best friends, although Capricorn doesn't like it when Leo sniffs Bailey's manhood. She wants them to be friends, not friends with gay benefits. I've caught them spooning before, too.

Two things always happen when I bring Bailey to PetSmart:

• He goes No. 2 within 10 minutes. He didn't fail me this time, either. We think it's because he gets nervous being around other dogs, as it's not like him to open butt fire in a public place like that. At least he doesn't do what daddy does when he gets nervous. Nobody likes a drunk doggie... Just kidding. I don't drink when I get nervous. I do crystal meth.
• Shoppers come up and say how cute he is. This would be fun, except Bailey is protective of me and growls. Leo, however, eats this up. He'll take attention wherever he can get it, like a Real World castmate doing their 6th season of The Gauntlet even though they're 40 and balding.

This time, however, a little boy came up to me while I was holding Bailey.
"Hey, is that the dog from 'Beverly Hills Chihuahua'?" the boy asked.
Bailey looked up at me like, "This kid rides the short bus."
"No, no, not quite, dude. He's a chihuahua, but not the one on the movie," I replied before hatching a plan to make Bailey a famous star.

As Capricorn and I made our way to the back of the store, we saw the captive cats. None of these cats ever look happy to be there. But at least I can tell PetSmart is feeding them well, as evident by this cat to the right. It must weigh over 20 pounds.
If the cat was a child, his parents would tell him God loves him just the way he is and he doesn't have to change but if he could lay off the chocolates a little bit that would be great so mommy and daddy don't have to hide his pudgy tummy on the beach. Since he's a cat, though, I was allowed to point and laugh at the fatty catty. The cat was larger than Leo and Bailey combined.

Capricorn had been worried about Leo escaping through an open doorway during my moving day, coming up at the end of the month. She wanted him around, but didn't want to carry him. Her idea: Get a puppy pouch.
This idea lasted about 20 seconds after she put on one of these bags and declared that she looked pregnant.
I had a brief thought that I should tell her to put her shirt over Leo, take a photo, send it to my mom and say, "Surprise, Grandma!"
That also lasted about 20 seconds, as I love my mother and would feel remorse if I gave her a heart attack.

If you ever want to watch something pathetic, watch any episode of Rock of Love Bus observe fluffy dogs getting hair cuts.
I just can't think the dogs want to look like they are Sheer Genius rejects. Bailey never needs hair cuts, so I'm fortunate there.
But if he did, I don't think I'd ask for the "You know what? Shave off everything except the tail and the face. I want his body to look like someone squished the middle of a Twinkie."
Is there a reality show about dog groomers? There must be, right? Please let me know, so I can boycott it.
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All right, I need to get back to packing. Moving is not fun. I hear rich people just call someone to pack up there stuff and move it for them. Yet another reason to despise the wealthy... Unless I become wealthy. I am not above retracting statements.