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Monday, September 22, 2008

To discuss ladies, dogs and missing a golden opportunity to say "Clean up in aisle six"

First off, my apologies- to the three people who read WildArs on the weekend (as I've discovered that I'm normally a workday-read blog that helps spur procrastination), sorry for not posting. I was a busy boy.
Some random notes: I'm still considering your music suggestions... I'll let you know what I decide soon. I also am glad to see so many of you are interested in reading about my past via old e-mails, which officially makes you creepy Internet voyeurs....in other words, awesome. Now I'll just have to figure out exactly how to do it.
Also- For the love, if you have never seen It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia on the FX channel, do it now. It's the funniest stuff on TV. I promise. They had a two-episode premiere on Thursday, and the topics included cannibalism and the gas crisis, in which some of the guys go to a bank and try to convince a female loan officer to give them a $300,000 loan to buy gas so they can sell it later for a profit. When she says no, they offer to "take her in the back and bang her" to change her mind. Just a good time had by all.

On to my Weekend Update with Amy Poehler and Seth Mye....I mean...

After a nice Friday night with a Ladyfriend, I spent Saturday afternoon doing that whole adult thing of buying groceries and running errands. I am quite sure in college they never mentioned that upon graduating, my free time would be spent doing "adult things" that involve Swiffering and washing and shopping and all the things that don't involve PS2 and making money. Liars.
The afternoon excursion (doesn't that sound more pleasant than grocery shopping?) included a trip to the Gap, where several sales associates asked me "Are you finding everything OK?" over and over to the point where I wondered if they thought I was legally blind and/or mentally deficient; I decided against drooling and quivering all over to prove a point... Of course I can find everything OK, you idiots-- you put everything in the same spots in a brightly lit, sparsely decorated store. It's not exactly finding a needle in a jeans stack.
I then went to Target which, according to my scale of department store hotness, was ripe with possibility. Except this time, it was Take Your Underage Daughter to Target Day, so that kind of killed it for me (I do draw the line at felonies).
At one point, I heard someone pass by the aisle I was standing in and say, "Nice jeans. I really like those." I looked around and, realizing I was the only one nearby, was glad to hear the compliment about my awesome pants. Until I realized that the compliment came from some random teenage boy who was also talking on his cell phone and thought enough of my jeans to take a brief moment for a compliment. Glorious. I now have a gay teenage boy fanclub. I'll now have something to talk about if I ever run into the Jonas Brothers.
After passing by twelve (?!?!?!) aisles of Halloween fare, I got to the checkout aisle, where I saw a six-year-old boy grab the Transformers DVD and excitedly coerce his mother into buying it for him.
There is no way that kid ever saw the original cartoon that inspired that movie, which means that his idea of "More Than Meets the Eye" is Megan Fox's booty shorts. That's sad. I used to own Transformers toys. Optimus Prime=Jesus of the Robotic World.

So, as it turned out, I spent Saturday night and then Sunday afternoon with another Ladyfriend who has, upon learning that I have called past dates Ladyfriend, decided she wants her own moniker. We settled on Madame Capricorn, which makes her sound like a fortune teller or a dominatrix, either of which sounds mysterious and wonderful.
Capricorn and I saw Ricky Gervais' "Ghost Town" on Saturday, which I found to be funny ha ha but not funny ho ho, i.e. worth seeing but not the greatest of the greateses. It was nice to see Tea Leoni gainfully employed again. I was wondering if her career and her accompanying blouse-plus-shoulder-pads hit its zenith with Deep Impact. I was wrong. She's good in this movie.

After having such fun Saturday, Capricorn and I decided to spend Sunday together in my town. Given that she owns her own chihuahua, she loved Bailey, even if he looks like a brown snow cone right now. We decided to take him to PetSmart just for kicks and giggles, and so she could torture him by putting costumes on him. I profusely apologized to him, but Bailey gave me the silent nod that suggested "Dude, she's hot. I'll be your wing dog on this one."
That led to this photo. A dog wearing an e-collar can be further emasculated after all. Bailey thanked us by pooping in Aisle Six. Luckily, PetSmart is well-equipped for cleaning up bowel movement demonstrations.

We came back to watch the Steelers lose to the Eagles, thanks in large part to the Steelers offensive line playing like a bunch of manginas.
And, for reasons I'm not quite sure of, Capricorn wanted to watch the DVD of my community theater performance in the musical, "Cinderella." Perhaps it was to see me in tights and brightly colored silk shirts, not unlike that of Ms. Leoni. Capricorn said it was so she could hear me sing. A likely story.
Quick story related to "Cinderella": My role included being the guy who tries the glass slipper on all the fair maidens. Since it's all for family entertainment, I spent part of each show going out into the audience to try it on potential suitors. One night, in an effort to be funny, I tried it on a little girl and mocked my disdain that she wasn't the real princess. That little girl cried... I made a little girl cry. I had to go find her after the show and convince her that she was the real princess.

11 comments:

gracie-mel said...

ah Bails: you can pull of ANY Halloween headdress. Perhaps you are the official Halloweenie Chiweenie? (too far? ok)
I agree that there is something vaguely wrong about "those rotten kids" who froth over movies which are based on shows they never originally saw. but, gotta give props to the marketing world...

Miss Tiff said...

Point taken about the Always Sunny in Philadelphia. But, in my defense I went to rent Season 1 this weekend and they didn't have it in..

Super glad to hear that everything is going well in the lady area of your life. :)

Also, sorry about your Steelers man. If it makes you feel any better my Colts lost too yesterday. :(

SouthernBelle said...

Aww, Madame Capricorn *is* cute!

I *wish* I could dress my dogs in costumes, but apart from the likelihood of it leading to my divorce, Missy (chow/lab) is too butch and would look ridic in some fluffy girly costume, and Busta (mini-pinscher/schnauzer) is nowhere near gay enough for costumes, more's the pity.

sj said...

she is CUTE! i hope it works out!

i have tried many times to get my bales to pose in a costume, but it usually lasts for about 15 seconds. however, he can successfully pull of the "bandit" look, since every time i tie a bandana around his neck, he chews on it.

sb - our twinship is so right on. my parents have a chow/lab mix! she's a tough girl..

hautepocket said...

I'm proud to see that Bailey stepped up to the plate for this one. Does "Capricorn" realize she's basically become a pseudo-celebrity now that you're blogging about her and your dating escapades?

SouthernBelle said...

SJ - this is why we had to get another, smaller dog, so I could take it for walks instead of being literally dragged by Missy in whichever direction she wants... Luckily she's pretty obedient, unless she sees a squirrel, but at least she's never pooped in Aisle 6!

Andy said...

Gracie- Um, no, no he can't.
Tiff- See how popular it is? And I did see the Colts lost. Reggie Wayne needs to step it up for my fantasy team.
SB- Are you insinuating my dog is gay? Because he's proven he's not.
SJ- Dude, I know. She definitely is cute.
Haute- I have made her aware that is she does anything crazy to me, I will blog about it. Then I told her the story of the stand-me-up-twice-in-one-day girl, and she felt better.

SouthernBelle said...

No no no, of course not! I'm sure he's very masculine, what with all the humping...

It's just... I wanted to buy that doggy nail-polish and Husband forbade me to use it on Missy, so my only other option was Busta, but it just wouldn't work on him, like the pink girly-type costumes I would want to put on him. I'm thinking I MAY be able to get away with an argyle sweater-vest though, now that he has had a proper clipper-cut and doesn't look so ragamuffiny. Even though he would immediately eat it.

Amy xxoo said...

When i was working as a nanny, my youngest boy had this book called " Halloweiner ", which was a little dog that gets picked on by all the other bigger, tougher dogs. Ergo, i officially christen Bailey the new " Halloweiner ". IN a totally awesome way of course!

And agreed with everyone else, Capricorn is a pretty girl, so lucky you. And that line about the Jonas Brothers ? Classic! Its kind of sad if i'm the only one who got it but you cant say i'm not up on my pop cultre refernences...

P.S Transformers rocked, Optimus Prime was the man ( or robot, as it were ) but i always had a soft spot for Jazz.

theloosemoose said...

Blog topic you might want to consider: "To discuss odd scraps of fabric that ladyfriends wear about their necks for purely decorative purposes."

amindinmotown said...

The Steelers offensive line was seriously shit. I watched the majority of the game - "Gossip Girl" was repeating and, well, I missed it on Monday - and Roth whatever (I couldn't spell that name if I tried) was really lousy. It's unfortunate that their only six points took little more than a kicker.

Though, clearly they held back the Eagles to only 10, so their defensive line was doing something right.

...Anywho. I'm glad to hear my dog isn't the only one who shits in the pet store, ha. That made me feel better about life. Thanks.

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