Thursday, March 19, 2009

To discuss a TV Play-by-Play: Top Model's got the Eye of the Tiger

Do you think a little audition pandemonium would slow down Top Model? Of course not! Here's the TV play-by-play of Episode 3; for last week's recap, go here.

Aminat- The Hair... Fo- Fomula... Allison- Dracula... Tahlia- Earl Grey... Celia- Model T... Kortnie- Cheesecake... Isabella- Carpe Diem... London- London the Baptist... Sandra- Marathon... Teyona- Cruise...Natalie- TBA ... Nijah- Cucamonga.

Eliminated: Carpe Diem (Ep. 1), Sea Cow (Ep. 2).

Cucamonga wants the judges to see her personality after being compared to a "beautiful corpse" in last week's photo shoot. That fact is not the important thing here. What's important is that Cucamonga is the first girl highlighted this episode. That usually means she's getting kicked off.
Top Model Miss J
At what point did Miss J, runway trainer extraordinaire, decide, "You know, I really am not into being a dude. Let's see where some lip stick and a fierce walk gets me."
Miss J wants to teach the girls how to do a smooth, elegant runway walk. To accomplish this, he has all the models change into khaki pants and cardigans. If that doesn't get them in the mood to be a high-fashion runway model, then what will?
Where did these girls learn to walk? Cheesecake's walk reminds me of arthritis, and Dracula's either had no training or is auditioning for a maxi pad commercial.
Bianca and Chantal (Season 9) stop in to show the girls how to walk toward each other on the runway without colliding. Should I be worried there needs to be lesson about not slamming into each other?
Training is over, and the girls decided to play Truth or Dare. I'd dare them to all talk like Tyra to Tyra's face (The key is to randomly sing words, over-enunciate during dramatic moments and demand attention), but I'm afraid Tyra would eat their first born.
Top Model Truth or Dare Kortnie lick nose
Earl Grey doesn't like that TBA told her she had one of the worst photos last week. So far this episode, Tyra has chosen multiple clips to anoint TBA as the bitch of the house. This must mean Marathon, who was the agitator in recent weeks, was boring, so they had to spice it up some by forcing a character flaw. It's like when you're in a relationship that's getting stale, so you start picking on your parner's flaws just to irritate them.
If you really wanted to spice things up, Tyra, then you'd stop having the editor-in-chief of "Seventeen" work with the girls in advance of the winner getting a photo spread in the magazine. You'd use the editor-in-chief of Playboy. Think of the ratings! The series could be renamed "Models Next Door."
TBA twirls on the runway, which nearly gives Miss J a heart attack. I think Miss J is PMSing this week.
Dracula naturally has the wide-eyed, bushy tailed look. And on the runway, she's terrified and has the deer caught in headlights look. Combine those looks, and her eyes completely overtake her face. It makes me want to sing "Eye of the Tiger."
Miss J tells Earl Grey her walk looked like she had no confidence, and that Cucamonga is pretty but has a bad walk. This is clearly setting up a Cucamonga versus Earl Grey bottom two at the end of the episode. There's more obvious foreshadowing on Top Model than on Groundhog's Day. Tyra will say something like this: "Who's it going to be? The girl with the great look and personality who has trouble putting it together as a model (Cucamonga), or the girl who takes a good photo but has lost her confidence (Earl Grey)?" Related note: I've seen way too much Top Model. Please help me.
TBA wins the runway walk challenge, despite twirling. This will make the girls hate her more, or at least it will appear that way thanks to clever editing and music selections.
... Oh, is Top Model still on? I'm sorry. That was one of the most boring, uneventful photo shoots they've had. The girls acted out different New York City cliches (socialites, tourists, strung-out bums urinating in the street, et al). Earl Grey did the best, according to photo director Jay Manuel. TBA, who was in the group shot with Earl Grey, says she's happy E.G. did well. Um, er, what a diva! (Is that what I'm supposed to say, Tyra?)
Judging time. Model T is wearing a suit jacket and tie for the umpteenth time. If I was the oldest model on the show, I don't think I'd wear anything that would make me look older. She needs to invest in a Miley Cyrus T-shirt and booty shorts with "Juicy" on the butt.
London the Baptist and Dracula's joint shot was supposed to be about socialites. Judge Paulina Porizkova says Dracula looks like a "drunken Olsen twin"... opposed to an emaciated Olsen twin, a crackhead Olsen twin or a Michelle Tanner Olsen twin. Which brings me to another question: How long did it take you to figure out in the "Full House" credits that Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen were two different girls? Be honest.
OK, I got it half-right. Cucamonga is in the bottom two with... Dracula. Well, that makes sense. You can't get compared to an Olsen twin and not suffer the consequences.
Cucamonga is out. Please read my first entry in this post. I am a Top Model psychic. I plan on showing off these skills at carnivals and state fairs.
Top Model Group Ep. 3
Coming up next week: The girls model in front of crossdressers. Only on Top Model would this happen.

On Real Blogger, I interviewed Jessica (Sea Cow) last week. An interview with Cucamonga is in the works, too, as well as future ex-contestants. That should work as long as the CW never reads my play-by-plays.


cavy said...

i'm already at the point where when watching the show, i have a hard time remembering their real names. i mean, cucamonga is just more fun to say!

and it did take me awhile to realize that "Mary Kate Ashley Olsen" was not one person, but two. in my defense, the show began when i was two and i had no understanding of "twins" for a few years..

Herding Cats said...

I love it. It is funny how you can start predicting what will happen after years of overdosing on this stupid show.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Andy, if I may steal Miss J's catchphrase; you are firece!!!

WTF Chuck?? Who is that Miss J thang-and you are right-When did he decide to become full-on woman??

You think he's jealous of the girls? You know, cuz they're girls?

Soda and Candy said...

Haha, this is awesome. You have definitely watched too much ANTM. Please continue to do so.

Jess said...

I've never even watched this show before and yet, because of your recaps I really feel I was there, watching it all. Thank you, Andy.

Mary Kate & Ashley Olson are different people? I just realized that right now...

BeckEye said...

I missed it again, so I'm glad you're recapping. You didn't say anything about Tyra teaching the girls to smile with their eyes though. I thought she did that every episode, or is she pulling back this year?

Racquel Valencia said...

I love London. Love her! Her new hair is so fierce and she's crazy. Like, actually insane. Awesome.

I had heard all this stuff about Allison being creepy and big-eyed, but when I finally saw her I was all kinds of let down. I know creepy people with bigger eyes in my neighbourhood. And they also have a thing with blood... preferrably someone else's after a drug deal gone bad.

Kellie said...

So far I've been disappointed in this season. Where is all the fierceness? At least you are bringing in the funny w/ your recaps.

sj said...

you make me wish i watched this show.


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