Sunday, January 3, 2010

To discuss a 'House Hunters' episode to end all 'House Hunters' episodes

Ed. note: Capricorn and I watch an inordinate amount of HGTV's "House Hunters," considering we aren't planning to become homeowners and can't afford any of the houses. Still, we've become experts on all things "House Hunters."
There are many stereotypical things that happen almost every episode, so much so that you can practically predict what people will say. As a service to you, we'd like to offer you a sample episode, highlighting the most trite aspects of the show, so that you may either A) Turn it into a drinking game, B) Look out for them yourself or C) Pretend that you haven't already watched 1,000 episodes already.
Note: "HH" stands for House Hunters. Stereotypical stuff is in bold.
Announcer: On this special WildARSChase episode of "HH," dating couple Andy and Capricorn look at a Pennsylvania home that happens to be the same place they rent. With a budget of negative $250,000-$300,000, they should be able to secure a sub-prime mortgage and get the home of their dreams. Unlike most people on our show, the couple decided not to use a realtor, who end up just taking up precious air time on "HH" to say perfectly obvious stuff. Let's take a look at House #1.

Andy: We've got a big wish list, even though we are first-time homebuyers who were hoping to get on "Property Virgins" but had to settle for "HH." We're looking for an open concept kitchen, as we find that style is more tolerant of other rooms than a closed concept kitchen. Hitler had a closed concept kitchen, I heard. If only he could have entertained and cooked bratwurst at the same time, we could have avoided two World Wars.
Capricorn: Yes, and we also want play space for our non-existent kids, who we've otherwise let live in squalor until your cameras showed up, leading us to suddenly take up an interest in our childrens' welfare so as to not look like a-holes. Any space will do, as most HH people just appoint any seemingly useless, cramped room as the kids' play area ... I'd also like a bathtub, so that I can take a nice, relaxing bath that I'll never actually take because this isn't "Sex and the City" or a Nair commercial. If there is not a separate bathtub and shower, I will murder the camera man's first born child.
Andy: Finally, we want a big backyard for our chihuahuas, because as any dog owner on this show will tell you, it's imperative that the dogs have a big space to play in even if the dog sleeps all day and only uses the outdoors as a toilet. It will make it easier for us to boast to our friends ad nauseum about how wonderful it is to have a big backyard so we can do backyard things, like have a barbecue, play catch or bury snitches.

Announcer: Andy and Capricorn take a look in the living room, and Andy immediately admires the amount of sunlight the windows let in.
Andy: Although "Twilight" has made it cool to be pale and stay indoors, we want to follow the HH tradition of obsessing over the number of windows, even if they'll have curtains over them 90% of the time. We also want to make sure we get a great view, because God help us if we buy a house that doesn't have a great view. Look at this, Capricorn! It's a view of the battlefield during the Middle Ages!

Capricorn: This living room could work. We really need space to entertain. We've never entertained before, even though that is the #1 priority of any prospective homeowner. Without room to entertain, what's the point of home ownership? Never mind the fact this isn't 1848 and saying "entertain" like you are going to sit down for afternoon tea in the parlour is silly when what you really mean is "watch football, get drunk and make bad decisions."

Announcer: They move on to the kitchen, which has the open concept style Capricorn had on her wish list.

Capricorn: I like this kitchen. It doesn't have stainless steel appliances, which make HH wives and girlfriends weak in the knees even if it has no bearing on the performance of said appliance. But it does let me cook and entertain at the same time. See, I can look into the living room and keep an eye on The Situation.
Andy: ... and the rest of the Jersey Shore cast. That's a big plus.

Announcer: After taking a look at the laundry room, they peak into the bathroom. They like the big space. Most HH people want a double vanity, as evidently sharing one sink is akin to waterboarding. But Andy says the triple toilet more than made up for it.
Andy: The triple toilet is a great feature. When I'm entertaining, me and two smaller friends, or two kids, can all pee at the same time.

Capricorn: I really like the bathtub. Andy, climb in to the tub fully clothed like a douchebag and see if there's enough room for us.
Andy: Oh, it's big enough for me to shave my le... for me to soak in.

Announcer: The master bedroom impresses Capricorn, even though it doesn't have a walk-in closet. But it does have enough space to hold Andy - Capricorn couldn't pass up the chance to close the closet door on Andy, as it is practically mandated in the HH guidelines.
Capricorn: See, it's funny because I told you to see how big the closet was, and then I closed the door to prove how big it is. Get it?
Andy: I can't believe no one has done that before! You know what, when I get out of here, let's look at the rest of the bedroom. I want to see where the magic happens.*
* Only a stereotypical statement on MTV Cribs.

Announcer: Finally, they check out their outdoor living space.
Andy: Most HH couples want a giant backyard and practically set themselves on fire if the backyard isn't the size of Delaware. We just need enough space for our chihuahuas to pee. That's why we brought Leo along, to test it out. What do you think, Leo?
Leo: I just made this backyard my bitch.
Andy: Sold!

Announcer: So which house did Andy and Capricorn choose? Was it House #1, with the Jersey Shore cast and the accompanying syphilis? Was it House #2, which wasn't shown but likely was slightly more expensive and caused them to complain about some cosmetic feature that would be easily fixable but was a dealbreaker, like the carpet or the wall color? Or was it House #3, which had nothing on their wish list, was out of their price range and looked like where snuff films are made, but felt cozy and had off-street parking?


... It's none of the above, because they don't have $80,000 for a down payment like everybody else on HGTV. Thanks for watching!


P said...

There was so much I enjoyed about this post. But my favourite line had to be this:

"It's a view of the battlefield during the Middle Ages!"

I'm hoping if I ever buy a house I have a view of . . . er, a naked hot guy. I wonder if that show could arrange that for me...

gracie-mel said...

if they only knew you guys actually are this funny in real life, you might actually *have* to entertain more!

great use of photoshop btw!

Andy said...

P- I'm sure that can be arranged. Find a house across the street from a university frat house.
Gracie- That's my college education at work.

FunnyGal KAT said...

I'm a big fan of when people turn down the perfect house because "I hate the color of the living room" and you can see the real estate agent plotting their death because, for goodness sakes, they've already seen 1,200 houses and each one had something wrong with it that could have been fixed by a trip to Home Depot but these morons would never think of that.

Oh, and I've seen that "close the guy in the closet" routine way too many times on that show! Good call!

stealthnerd said...

You know, I've never seen this show but I can already assume that your episode is the best one! Especially since you included the only line said on EVERY episode of cribs: this is where the magic happens.

Andy said...

KAT- Seriously, why do people freak out about having to paint, as if the whole house is worthless?
Nerd- The only person who could say that and I would believe it is Snoop Dogg.

kk said...

LOFL! We are avid HH watchers...and I think that Suzanne Wong has the best job known to (wo)man...no real work, just reading a teleprompter in different cities.

One thing you forgot to look for in your dream house was a MASTER SUITE...because no one can LIVE unless they have a bathroom (with a double vanity, separate shower and tub, big enough to throw a party in) CONNECTED to the bedroom. I mean, God, do they expect you to live like neaderthals and actually walk down the hall to pee???

Phil said...

I watch HGTV like its my job these days, I'm so hooked (mostly on design shows and Income Property and For Rent) and of course I watch House Hunters all the time.

You nailed nearly everything, except one vital thing that makes me swear the most at these crazies I don't even know but have no problem judging:

Ever notice that every single time they're in a neighborhood, they're always all "The neighbors are awfully close. I feel like we may as well be living in the same house, ugh," regardless of whether they're twenty feet apart or two hundred feet apart.

Alexis said...

I liked the pics the best!

I'm planning an Expose on the Wii Fit once I get the hang of everything!

Kellie said...

They usually end up picking house #3 which is way out of their budget but they just "fell in love with it" b/c honestly what's an extra $100K to get your dream house? And who wouldn't fall in love w/ the most expensive of the 3 houses shown that has all the bells and whistles? Who needs a budget?

LBluca77 said...

This was hilarious. I loved all the pictures. I've been watching HH forever, but without fail there is one house that the couple always complains about the paint color. Hello, that is the easiest thing to fix.

I also love HH International; it's interesting and kind of educational about all the different countries. I just started getting into For Rent. Have you seen it? It's like HH but for renters.

Jenners said...

OK ... this was classic. We used to watch HH all the time years ago and from what I can tell, it hasn't changed one iota. Even HH International seems the same. Is Suzanne Whang still the hostess with the mostest?

justsomethoughts... said...

i felt like i watched the show
thank you for saving me the trouble
though if it was really this funny, i might actually turn it on..

excellent writing

Suzanne Whang said...

I'm Suzanne Whang. Really. And I thought this was fucking hilarious. I especially liked the three toilets. If you want, you can email me at funny@suzannewhang.com -- I left the show 2 years ago, and I never watch it, so this was very nostalgic for me. At least they got rid of the horrifying "re-enactment phone call" when they find out they got the house!

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