Wednesday, January 6, 2010

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Teen Mom

You (never) asked for it! It's the TV Play by Play series, with a special post about MTV's "Teen Mom." Please tell me you've watched this show. Please. If you haven't, here's my recap of the show that started it, "16 and Pregnant."
Get ready, get set, make bad decisions. It's time to be a Teen Mom. If you hear crying on the way, don't worry. That's just your child born out of wedlock and the tears of remorse.

:02 Maci, Ryan and Maserati or Volkswagon or Bentley or whatever the kid's name is are getting a family photo. "We're not in prison here," the photographer says, as Ryan tries to telepathically tell the dude that yes, in fact, this is his prison and he is serving a lifetime daddy sentence.

:03 Amber's face looks Asian when she's in pain, when she's crying, when she's angry, when she's tired. Essentially, she's emotionally Japanese.

:04 Does Farrah not realize how good she has it? She gets to live at home, have barely any expenses, a live-in babysitter and her biggest problem is a guy named Shaq. I wish I made that last part up.

:05 The votes (of my girlfriend and I) are in: Catelynn (and Tyler) win best couple, Farrah is dumbest/sluttiest*, Maci (and Ryan) are the saddest, Amber is the funniest (although she doesn't realize it).
* If Farrah isn't 18 yet and I called her slutty, I apologize. In that case, I'll call her "ever so slightly a bit of a whore."

:09 Ryan and Maci are the most depressing couple to watch. Ryan has all the facial expression of Heidi Montag, and all the charm of Spencer Pratt ... Ryan has been moping around since he lost his job. But, in all honesty, Ryan would mope if they canceled his favorite TV show ... which is probably "Cops."

:11 Capricorn on the Catelynn/Tyler step-sister/step-brother situation: "It's Cruel Intentions!" Why didn't I think of that? I just hope Catelynn doesn't tell Tyler he can stick it anywhere.

:13 "Nobody cares to hear what you have to say," Farrah tells her dad, who happens to be paying for her kid's food and shelter. Way to rape a gift horse in the butt (or something to that effect). She's really upset her parents don't love her going out every night, and let her be a "normal teenager." C'mon, Farrah's mom. It's not like she's made bad decisions and got pregnant before! P.S. Alexander, Farrah's date, must be 30. But at least he had the sense to tell her it's not cool she never hangs out with her baby. P.S.S. I've seen Farrah and Sophia together about 10 percent of the time. You'd be more likely to see Tiger Woods give Charlie Sheen marriage counseling.

:21 Gary and Amber are the best worst couple ever. They have no idea how to be in a relationship, and argue all the time. It's adorable. Amber slaps Gary. Gary calls Amber lazy. Amber cries. Gary buys a Playstation. It's fantastic.

:26 Times Ryan has smiled so far this season = Times Gary has been right in any argument

:27 Gary has moved from buying her an engagement ring at Wal-mart, to buying her a take home Cracker Barrel meatloaf meal. I can't say this is his worst strategy. I want to, but I know it will work.

:29 Let's be honest. This Sheena girl, the college student who gave a kid up for adoption, is vying for a spot on Teen Mom Season 2, with all her adopted mom therapy talk. Shrewd move.

:34 Gary is manning up. I'll give him that. I'm pulling for Gary and Amber to work things out; if Jennifer and Brad Jennifer and Vince Jennifer and John Jennifer and bitter loneliness can make it... er, best of luck! Confession: Part of my support is because I can't wait to see what "nice thing" Gary does for her next. I hope it involves K-Mart and 7-11. I kind of hope he's on the next season of The Bachelor.

:38 Farrah got home at 3 a.m.? On a night the guy didn't even like her? Now she wants to go out again, and her parents aren't having it. Excuse me, "Michael" doesn't get it. I forgot Farrah calls her dad that. Actually, she said "Michael, shut the &#%$ up." If I said that to my parents, I would be castrated on the spot. Saying the Lord's name in vein cost me a testicle.

:46 Baby Bentley* cries. Unemployed Ryan tells Maci, who worked all night, to take care of the baby, and to stop being lazy, and then he walks out. Other than that, his Dad of the Year nomination is still right in line.
* Not the name of a rapper.

:50 Capricorn to my future as a father: "You'd have the baby and go, 'You want to be on a blog, little baby?' You should not be a father anytime soon. You'd leave the door open and the baby would crawl out." The truth hurts.

:53 Ryan is the worst dad this side of K-Fed. It needed to be said. He's not even a dead-beat dad, because he sticks around and yet doesn't offer anything to the relationship or in support. He's an alive-beat dad. During relationship counseling, he's told to hug his cute fiance more (torture!). She's told not to expect he knows what she wants (what a revelation!). Baby Bentley is told to ask Catelynn and Tyler to adopt him, as clearly they are the most mature people on this show.

:55 So it was an episode about mended relationships... which will all be broken next episode. I mean, Gary and Ryan are involved.


Jess said...

Not gonna lie: I love me some Teen Mom.
One thought I had though. (I've actually put some thought into this show..don't know/care if that's sad or not!) Catelynn and Tyler are the most mature people on the show, as you mentioned but what the hell was the deal with them having sex without birth control??! That didn't seem so smart of them...

Natballs said...

hahahaha! yes! yes! YES!
This sums it up perfectly! You, my dear new friend, are a genius and now I will be coming back for more. All the time.

Anonymous said...

Teen Mom is that train wreck you can't help but completely stare at.

...And I think Tyler's already been told he can stick it anywhere. Just an assumption though!

Heather said...

How have I missed this show?? Of course, I never got in on the 16 and Pregnant thing either... guess I need to play catch up. Or just continue reading your play-by-plays.

stealthnerd said...

I'm so glad you decided to write a play by play of this show because quite frankly it's amazing. Well, amazing in that train wreck sort of way. I don't necessarily want to watch it except that I really really really do want to watch it.

P said...

The facial expression of Heidi and charm of Spencer? Wow - what a catch! (hmmm - where can I find a Ryan of my own...?)

Amy xxoo said...

We dont have the pleasure of being able to view this show ( yet ) in Oz.... and even if we did, i'm too busy with my own 11 day old baby to watch it!

That being said i am neither a teen mom nor a complete moron ( though i am currently unmarried and i did feature my baby on my blog! ) so i'm hoping i wouldnt have all that much to relate to...

Kellie said...

I have not seen this yet but now I am dying too! These people are brilliant! (Yes, sense the sarcasm?) ;)

elle michelle said...

I can't help but watch this trash and I LOVE this recap. Please do one every week. I can't get enough of all things irresponsible/whorey/retarded.

Herding Cats said...

Um, so your recap is GOLD! I love Teen Mom. My thoughts?

- Katelyn and Tyler are pretty mature, but I'm still sort of weirded out that they are step siblings. Creepy.

- Gary on The Bachelor? I would PAY to see that!

- Ryan seriously pisses me off and I think Maci should bitch slap him and take a lesson from Amber (who IS the funniest person ever)

Andy said...

Jess- Even better, they had unprotected sex AFTER they already had the baby. Duh.
Natballs- If you hate me, just say it to my face.
Motown- I tend to agree on both accounts.
Heather- Um, please watch the show. It's worth your while.
Stealthnerd- Yeah, it had to be done. It just had to.
P- Stay away. Stay far away.
Amy- See, you did it the right way- found a great, cool guy, got engaged, the whole deal. That's why you are awesome.
Kellie- Kellie, why on earth would you miss this show?
Elle- I think I might have to, or Natballs will kill me.
Herding- Thanks, and if there is a God, he'll make The Bachelor: Gary happen.

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