I just got my U.S. Census in the mail.
Based on what I read in the New Testament, I better start hoofing it to Bethlehem.*
* What, I can't make a random King Herod/baby Jesus census joke?
This is a really short questionnaire, though. Considering the census only happens once a decade, you'd think they'd try to milk some more information out of the citizens than the basic "Who lives here," "What's your race" and "What's your age."
As I'm always on the lookout to help the U.S. Government, I decided to offer my own set of questions. You can all provide answers for the benefit of census workers, and feel free to come up with your own questions. This is for the good of America, people. What, do you hate freedom? If you don't do census questions, the terrorists win. (I swear it said that somewhere on the leaflet that came with the census.)
1. Do you consider yourself a good driver?
A) Yes, the best.
B) I keep it within 5-10 MPH of the speed limit, wear my seat belt and rarely disobey traffic signals.
C) I have yet to be convicted of vehicular homicide ... because my court date is pending.
D) Not possible/I'm an elderly woman
2. How many times a month do you view online pornography?
A) That smut never touches my screen
B) If Jesus can be tempted in the desert, I can be tempted once a month
C) Are we talking softcore or hardcore? The girls never go that wild.
D) Six. Oh, you're talking monthly?
3. Do you believe the current president of the United States of America is ...
B) A symbol of change
D) Part of al-Qaeda
4. Given the opportunity, would you rather the United States reduce all taxes, or significantly raise taxes but provide free healthcare, college, utilities and a novelty of your choice?
A) You're a Communist! Or so I've been told by Fox News
B) Sounds good, but there must be a catch. Gregory House isn't providing the healthcare, is he? Because they'll take out my kidneys or drain all my blood for a common cold.
C) Is the novelty ice cream? Because hell yes.
D) Is the novelty hookers? Because ice cream might be better
5. Do you attend church?
B) Not anymore
C) If Sundays are God's day of rest, why is church in the morning when I'm trying to sleep?
D) No, but people at church gossip about my errant ways enough to make me feel like I'm a regular member.
6. Do you like "Glee"?
B) I'd say no, but I'll be stoned to death
C) I prefer the choir in "Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit."
D) I only recently realized "Habit" in that movie title is referring to a nun's attire, not some reference to getting back into a routine.
7. Are you a dog person?
A) No, dogs are scary/I'm allergic/I prefer cats
B) How could I not be?
C) I am disqualified because I own a chiweenie and can't truly say I have a "dog."
D) Does Scooby Doo count?
8. Which was the biggest injustice?
A) Hurt Locker winning Best Picture over Avatar
B) Lilly Scott, Katelyn Epperly and Alex Lambert getting booted from American Idol before the Top 12.
C) Banks not using bailout money to provide loans to Americans
D) Kristen Stewart and Miley Cyrus being selected to present an Oscar
9. What is the best episode of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia"?
A) Charlie Wants an Abortion
B) Hundred Dollar Baby
C) The Gang Wrestles for the Troops
D) The Gang Gives Back
E) I have never heard of this show because I'm too busy watching "Glee."
10. If you had to turn lesbian and spend a night with one celebrity, who would it be?
A) Megan Fox
B) Christina Hendricks
C) Angelina Jolie
D) Ellen DeGeneres
E) Olivia Wilde
F) Why am I being forced to turn into a lesbian when I'm a dude?
Celebrating the best of Scotland at the Glenuig Inn - [image: Celebrating the best of Scotland at the Glenuig Inn] Celebrating the best of Scotland at the lovely Glenuig Inn on the Sound of Arisaig on the we...
9 hours ago