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Monday, April 26, 2010

To discuss concerned letters to Gabourey, Stanley Tucci and more

Dear Gabourey:
Congrats again on "Precious." What a powerful movie. But can we talk about your Saturday Night Live performance this past weekend? It felt like I was watching high school improv. Your Jamaican accent was less convincing than Miss Cleo, you broke character more times than Jimmy Fallon, and you went about the jokes with all the finesse of Seth MacFarlane delivering a Family Guy punchline.
I still love you and all, and I hope there's some sort of Precious sequel with you hooking up with Lenny Kravitz while he and Mariah Carey try to adopt you and then Whoopi Goldberg shows up with a bunch of nuns and hijinx and choir music ensue, but that SNL performance made me second guess your skills just a little bit.

Yours truly,
Sapphire


Dear Medal of Honor: Frontline game:
I've been playing you for a few weeks now, just to randomly play video games again and hold on to my fleeting youth*, but I have a feeling you are creeping into my life a bit too much. I have repeatedly used the phrase "storming the beaches of Normandy" to describe everything from entering busy shopping centers to walking my dog.
I also think about good sniper look-outs in my day-to-day activities.
And I am becoming way too confident that I could have made it as a World War II soldier, when really, the fear would leave me soaked in my own urine and crying like a little girl. Unless we're talking about the Revolutionary War. In that case, I'd be one of those guys that plays the trumpet and gets people excited and then runs to the back of the line.

Sincerely,
Sgt. Andy

(* Dear Aeropostale:
It was nice while it lasted.

Love,
27-year-old Andy)

Dear Christina Hendricks:
I still haven't seen your show, but please continue to be famous by whatever means necessary.

Thinking of you,
An Esquire reader
P.S. Love your hair.

Dear State and Federal Tax Collector:
This might sound crazy, but could you next year create a Facebook application that lets you do your taxes? It would be so much more fun. And let people pay in, say, Farmville dollars.

XOXO,
Taxpayer

Dear Guy Who Lives Above Me:
You know I can hear you when you are screaming profanities at your (ex?)girlfriend/wife on the phone, right?
Considering you like to listen to Madonna most Saturday mornings, maybe there's an underlying cause to this tension. And by Madonna, I mean deep tracks on Ray of Light Madonna.
I'll leave it at that.


Yours,
Neighbor

Dear Stanley Tucci:
So after I figured out "The Lovely Bones" isn't about the kinship amongst Bone Thugs-'n'-Harmony members and instead is about you being a total creeper, I really liked your performance.
The only problem is (spoiler alert), I now will not be able to sleep at night, worried you are planning to rape and murder me in a cornfield after I agree to check out the underground bunker you made just for us kids.
Wait a second. You'd have to be a complete idiot to check out an underground bunker in a cornfield made by your sketchy neighbor with the combover. Phew.
At least your movie will bring to light the bunker murder epidemic that plagues today's youth.

Hugs and kisses,
Andy Salmon

Dear Blog Readers:
I've now reached 400 posts on Wild ARS Chase since I started in August 2008. Thanks for all the comments, e-mails and mostly just for stopping by.

Kittens and rainbows,
WAC

9 comments:

FunnyGal KAT said...

Dear Andy,
400 posts?!? Good for you! I would like to see the stat counter, but my guess is, of those 400 posts:
Number of posts with Chiweenies: 128
Number of posts that make readers suspect Capricorn may be certifiably insane for staying with you: 4
Photos of you in costume (usually claiming they were a play but in a background that looks suspiciously like your living room): 21
Number of posts about door decorating contests that make your mom look like the coolest parent ever: 2
Number of posts that have made me laugh out loud (sometimes spitting liquid against my laptop screen): at least 63
Keep up the good work!
Sincerely, FunnyGal KAT

Herding Cats said...

400 posts! Congrats! Oh, and kittens and rainbows is the best way to end a post....ever.

kisatrtle said...

ahhh this made me laugh. Thanks I needed that.

Amy xxoo said...

400 posts huh ? job well done! I should 300 posts on this version of my blog by the end of the week...

And also, i've read " The Lovely Bones " so i know what happens, but i think you just had a big, fat, spoiler right there for anyone who hasnt seen or read it...

Oh - and nice to see you back at my blog!

P said...

I had to laugh at the "Lovely Bones" related letter.

Jenners said...

As always, you crack me up.
Happy 400.

And do you watch The Office? Your letter to Gabourey reminded me of the funniest line a week or so ago where Michael is listening to an audio book that is the novelization of the Movie Precious Based on the Book Push by Sapphire. Too funny.

amindinmotown said...

I don't even know who Christina Hendricks is... I'm not even sure I heard of her.

And we all have to give up the Aero at some point. I can't believe you lasted so long.

lbluca77 said...

I love Gabourey! I just want to pinch her cheeks.

Congrats on all the posts! YAY you!!

alexis said...

You don't watch Mad Men?!?!?!

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