Thursday, April 22, 2010

To discuss offering advice via Yahoo! Answers

I've been told often that I give great advice, which I find flattering, albeit hollow, since every piece of advice I've given I heard first from Boy Meets World's Mr. Feeney. Still, I thought I'd take a crack at answering some of the pressing questions on Yahoo! Answers.

These are actual questions. The link to each question is provided. I just hope these people appreciate what I've done for them.

Question 1:
Q: Girls ,what would you dress a guy in ,if he ask you to dress him up like a girl? if a guy wanted you to dress him in something really soft and feminine , stockings ,heels ,makeup ,silky lingerie , dress, wig with hairbow/ribbons/bonnet. what would be a great idea to make him look all girlie and cute? Preferably pink and floral!

Your Answer:
Dear Tom:
I'll skip the obvious question here: Who wears a bonnet outside of Easter? Oops, two obvious questions: At one point did a guy look at a female friend and say, "This whole pants and button-down shirt thing is overrated. What do you have in spanks and a bustier?"
We'll skip those.
Might I suggest:
A) Christina Hendrick's look in the new Esquire: Upside - Very feminine and sexy. Downside - You'll need an ample bosom.
B) Stilettos, tank top, fuchsia lipstick and a miniskirt: Upside - You'll undoubtedly look like a woman Downside - You'll undoubtedly look like a hooker.
C) Screen pretending to be an Irish janitor lady in Saved by the Bell (requires black wig): Upside - You can spy on Kelly, Lisa and Jessie in the locker room. Downside - You'll get caught and Zack will be in trouble!

Question 2

Q: My girlfriend wants me to sleep with other women?
My girlfriend think our physical relationship is suffering due to my inexperience, and she has been suggesting that I sleep with more experienced women to improve my performance. She even has a couple of friends keen to show me the ropes. Is this cheating? Is this creepy or is it actually a good idea.

Your Answer: So your girlfriend says, "Sleep with my slutty friends to get some sex practice in," and your initial concern is, "Am I cheating?"
While you stew on that for a moment, let me throw out this thought: Why not have a few of your inexperienced guy friends have sex with your girlfriend, so she can figure out what you are doing wrong compared to them?
In fact, you may want to have your girlfriend's female friends sleep with her, too, as they are all more experienced. Might as well cut to the chase here.
No, I don't think this idea is cheating, but the fact she'd rather export your sex business to an outside source is both disturbing and another way of letting the terrorists win.

Question 3
Q: Is it ok to hit a woman if she cheats on you or steals from you? ... or says you have a small penis, or kicks you in the testicles?

Your Answer: It's always perfectly acceptable to hit a woman, especially if she "says" she was raped - then you stone her for her transgressions!
Oh, wait, you're not talking about religious extremists from the Middle East? You mean just your everyday, average American woman? Yeah, dude, sorry, you can't hit her. And I do love how you put the "small penis" thing in the middle of your question, so as to hide the real reason why you want to hit a girl.
Might I suggest buying Grand Theft Auto, where you can bludgeon hookers to your heart's content.

Question 4
Q: How do regain your social status when your town thinks you're a joke?

Your Answer: Might I lay out a three part plan:
1) Become a vampire: People RESPECT vampires, especially ones that sparkle under the sun and/or have an HBO series
2) Change your Facebook status to "Not a joke"
3) Become quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers: I hear they may soon have an opening


Ben said...

Internet people make me sad.

Anonymous said...

Wow. I had no idea you gave such sound advice.

FunnyGal KAT said...

I'm not sure what's more disturbing-- Andy's responses or the fact that people trust Yahoo! Answers as the best place to go to get solutions to their problems. Seriously, do they not have a friend they could ask this stuff to? Because putting it on-line risks having people like Andy become their source.

Herding Cats said...

The grammar and punctuation issues in those questions were a GREAT warm-up for my day dealing with 7/8 grade writing. Actually, I think my kids write far better than those questions' authors. Sad day.

BeckEye said...

Wow, you really don't fit in at Yahoo! Answers. The default answer is always something like, "so wat your a homo," or "ROTFL dumba$$," or some combination of both.

Soda and Candy said...

What did we ever do before the internet???

Andy said...

Ben- Real people make me sad.
Grownup- Neither did I
KAT - I really think they don't have friends.
Cats- Maybe that can be an ego-boost for your kids
Beck- Good point. I'll dumb it down
Soda- Played RISK

kisatrtle said...

The fact that these are actually questions is disturbing. I think your answers were right on target. Especially the one about little Ben from Pittsburgh. i really hope they trade him. I think he is an ass.

Amy xxoo said...

So - when do you get to become Agony Aunt for your paper instead of reporting on school board meetings?

Jenners said...

So question 4 was mine ... thanks for the great answer.

No Longer A Loser!!!!

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