To discuss letters and standup

Hey dear, lovely people. Hope your holiday stuff was all candy canes and liquor or whatever the kids say these days. I took that time to relax some, and, of course, keep pushing on all this comedy stuff I've got brewing. Sometime soon, I'll update you on my improv troupe.

But for now, let's take a look at my standup routine from last night's open mic. I tried an all-new format that, if you've read this blog for any period of time, will sound awfully familiar. It was a big risk ... and it paid off! I've done more than a half-dozen open mics now, and it seems to be getting better and better. Hmm.

(Here's the video link)

I put a couple samples below for those of you who hate watching videos online. And also, please list any Facebook buttons you'd like to see offered. Let's make this mother interactive.

Dear Neighbor:

We're now several days into 2011, and your holiday decoration is still up. I see it every day when I come home. I thought New Year's would get you some motivation to take it down, but you refuse. It's getting embarrassing. I mean, c'mon. And you're still trying to light it! How long am I supposed to look at a jack o' lantern anyway?

Watching you,

Your neighbor

Dear Facebook:

A lot of people want you to add a "Dislike" button for status updates. That's not nearly far enough Facebook. Might I humbly offer some of these suggestions. A "Hate" button. A "That's What She Said" button. A "Just So You Know I Read All Your Status Updates and Look Through All Your Photos" button. And a "Am I supposed to be impressed and compliment the photo you posted of yourself looking pensive, you douchebag," button.

Sincerely,

Andy

To discuss letters to various things of varying degrees of importance

Dear Amy Adams:

Please enclose a check for $1 to cover the Blockbuster Express fee from renting your movie, "Leap Year."

Considering the horrendous green screen special effects, the plot holes, the ridiculously stereotypical Irish jokes, the lackluster dialogue and the waste of your talents, I think we can agree it's a fair deal.

Thanks,

Andy

Dear America's Next Top Model:

Ann? Really?

Regrets,

Andy

Dear Christmas:

I have agreed to listen to your music this year at the present time, after you force fed it to me for weeks.

But I did not agree to the corresponding increase in parking and traffic volume. It is not acceptable. Please inform holiday shoppers they can buy most of that stuff online for the same price.

Yuletides,

Andy

Dear Harry Potter Deathly Hallows:

Who knew that I'd get shut out of seeing you last Saturday because you were sold out, a week after being released?

But I saw you Monday, and, despite not being a hardcore, wet in the pants Harry Potter-aholic, I still greatly enjoyed you. You do a great job at developing memorable characters, and Alan Rickman is always a delight.

Plus, you randomly had Hermione in a nude scene that I may or may not be too old to enjoy.

See you next time.

Love,

Muggle

Dear Nail That Was in My Tire:

Nails have two purposes: Holding things together, and being strewn about parking lots to be rolled over by tires.

At least I could plug up the hole you created. But you are not getting a Christmas gift from me.

Jerk.

Dear Love And Other Drugs:

I found you to be enjoyable and well-acted. And you put Parkinson's in the public eye.

Anne Hathaway couldn't have been more naked if she had just been born. Good God, y'all. That is a pretty lady.

Wishing it was in 3D,

Andy

Dear Natalie Portman:

I look forward to seeing your new movie, Black Swan, whenever I get the chance.

But if you don't return my calls, it's going to be very hard to continue to fake date you without your knowledge. You are evidently not very good at sexting.

Love,

Your admirer

To discuss concerned letters to Gabourey, Stanley Tucci and more

Dear Gabourey:
Congrats again on "Precious." What a powerful movie. But can we talk about your Saturday Night Live performance this past weekend? It felt like I was watching high school improv. Your Jamaican accent was less convincing than Miss Cleo, you broke character more times than Jimmy Fallon, and you went about the jokes with all the finesse of Seth MacFarlane delivering a Family Guy punchline.
I still love you and all, and I hope there's some sort of Precious sequel with you hooking up with Lenny Kravitz while he and Mariah Carey try to adopt you and then Whoopi Goldberg shows up with a bunch of nuns and hijinx and choir music ensue, but that SNL performance made me second guess your skills just a little bit.

Yours truly,
Sapphire


Dear Medal of Honor: Frontline game:
I've been playing you for a few weeks now, just to randomly play video games again and hold on to my fleeting youth*, but I have a feeling you are creeping into my life a bit too much. I have repeatedly used the phrase "storming the beaches of Normandy" to describe everything from entering busy shopping centers to walking my dog.
I also think about good sniper look-outs in my day-to-day activities.
And I am becoming way too confident that I could have made it as a World War II soldier, when really, the fear would leave me soaked in my own urine and crying like a little girl. Unless we're talking about the Revolutionary War. In that case, I'd be one of those guys that plays the trumpet and gets people excited and then runs to the back of the line.

Sincerely,
Sgt. Andy

(* Dear Aeropostale:
It was nice while it lasted.

Love,
27-year-old Andy)

Dear Christina Hendricks:
I still haven't seen your show, but please continue to be famous by whatever means necessary.

Thinking of you,
An Esquire reader
P.S. Love your hair.

Dear State and Federal Tax Collector:
This might sound crazy, but could you next year create a Facebook application that lets you do your taxes? It would be so much more fun. And let people pay in, say, Farmville dollars.

XOXO,
Taxpayer

Dear Guy Who Lives Above Me:
You know I can hear you when you are screaming profanities at your (ex?)girlfriend/wife on the phone, right?
Considering you like to listen to Madonna most Saturday mornings, maybe there's an underlying cause to this tension. And by Madonna, I mean deep tracks on Ray of Light Madonna.
I'll leave it at that.


Yours,
Neighbor

Dear Stanley Tucci:
So after I figured out "The Lovely Bones" isn't about the kinship amongst Bone Thugs-'n'-Harmony members and instead is about you being a total creeper, I really liked your performance.
The only problem is (spoiler alert), I now will not be able to sleep at night, worried you are planning to rape and murder me in a cornfield after I agree to check out the underground bunker you made just for us kids.
Wait a second. You'd have to be a complete idiot to check out an underground bunker in a cornfield made by your sketchy neighbor with the combover. Phew.
At least your movie will bring to light the bunker murder epidemic that plagues today's youth.

Hugs and kisses,
Andy Salmon

Dear Blog Readers:
I've now reached 400 posts on Wild ARS Chase since I started in August 2008. Thanks for all the comments, e-mails and mostly just for stopping by.

Kittens and rainbows,
WAC

To discuss a few letters to improve quality control

Dear Burger King employees,
When your former campaign slogan is "Have It Your Way," I expect to, um, Have It My Way. I'm not asking for much when I patronize one of your restaurants, and I already feel guilty about going there (I watched "Supersize Me"). So the least you can do, BK, is not mess up my order. Twice.
I eat cheeseburgers plain. Yes, plain. No mustard, no ketchup, no pickles, no onions. Meat. Cheese. Bun. Bam. So, if my double cheeseburger gets all that extra stuff on it, I just can't eat it.
When I ordered such a burger last night via drive thru, I was disappointed to find that, although the receipt said plain, the top of the burger looked like an Andy Warhol condiment painting. Better yet, it was with the wrong bun- some sort of Whopper bun.
Because I was jonesing for a burger like an addict at the methadone clinic, I decided to take my chances and return it. On the second attempt, you got the plain right. But you used an entirely different type of bun, and burger patties that were likely destined for a Whopper and not my small-by-comparison double cheeseburger.
I know you get paid crappy wages, and that your employer thinks it's smart to offer its own fragrance, but can you just do me a solid and take an extra second next time? I'd greatly appreciate it.

Flame-broiled for you,
Andy

Dear Animal Cracker manufacturer,
I must admit, I love your product. Not the iced kind. The plain kind. It's low fat, so I don't feel guilty snacking on them throughout the day (which makes me feel less guilty about going to BK). Sure, there's not a lot of taste, but, like Robin Williams in "Hook," I just imagine what it could taste like.
But I have yet to understand your animal rotation. Sure, you've got the good ones: Lions, horses, hippos, etc. And yet you've got llamas and buffalo in there. WTF, Animal Cracker dudes? Who made that executive decision? Llamas are the black sheep of farm animals, and white people shot most buffalo when they killed all the Indians.
Couldn't you choose cooler animals, like sharks, tarantulas, hawks or chihuahuas? (sorry, I'm biased) Just a thought.

Crackin' up for you,
Andy

Dear Andy,
Nice job not getting any holiday cards out this year. You continue to be a worse and worse friend with each passing year. At this rate, your friends will begin to "accidentally" lose your address when December approaches. You're about two years away from having three ghosts haunt your dreams and make you sing about a Christmas goose.

Bah humbug,
Ebenezer

To discuss a few short letters about what's "On My Mind"

Dear Atlanta:
I'll be spending the next few days with you while I attend a journalism seminar. If you could please limit your gang violence (Ludacris, make a few calls for me, OK?), I'd appreciate it. I do look forward to some Southern hospitality and slightly warmer weather. I missed T.I.'s epic biopic, A.T.L., so I can only imagine what mysteries you hold.
All I know about you includes watching Braves games on TBS, a Lifetime movie and my few experiences in your airport waiting for my connection flight. Here's hoping for a fun weekend that makes me go all Ray Charles on you.*

Andy

* By that, I mean sing "Georgia On My Mind," not go blind.
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Dear Capricorn:

I love you...

Isn't it nice that we say that now?

Love,
Andy

To discuss a hello to you, blog friend, and a how do you do, stranger?

Dear new reader:

I'm so glad to have met you this month, and trust me, if you left a comment on my blog, I checked out your blog.
I'm guessing you found me because of the hilarious No Ordinary Rollercoaster, or perhaps because you were recently Google searching for "I am familiar with carpentry and I don't know who my father is.”*
This week, I'm going to have several posts dedicated to letting you know more about me. Sure, there are previous posts, such as this one and this one, that give you an idea what I'm all about. But I think it's time I get more in-depth.
Possible posts includes tales of high school**, a 100 Things list like this one on The State I Am In, a new poll (the most recent one is coming down to the wire between Cory/Topanga and Zack/Kelly! Get those votes in), a Q&A, a re-posting of an early favorite or two of mine, and other things to get us more acquainted with each other. I do not plan on buying you a drink first or chit-chatting. We are going to just get right down to the dirty business.

Sincerely,
Andy
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Dear long-time reader:

You want to know something? I appreciate you more than you know. Every day, I write something for this blog hoping to make you laugh, or at least make you wax nostalgic about Boy Meets World and Fresh Prince. I'm glad for the new readers jumping aboard, but even more, I'm glad you keep sticking around. Maybe you'll learn something new about me this week.
But even more, I want to learn something about you.
That's why I'm challenging you.
Your mission? Write one post on your own blog this week describing:
A) Something nobody knows about you, or
B) One of your favorites stories from your childhood, or
C) Your 10 Top Favorite (Fill in the Blank).
Then, leave a comment on one of my posts this week or e-mail me with a link/info on the post. When I get enough links, I'll put together a post featuring links to everyone who participated. We'll make it Get to Know You day. Newbies, you can join in, too.

Respectfully submitted,
Andy

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* Actual Google search that led someone to my blog. I write posts providing answers for Google searchers, as I consider it is my duty as a blogger. The answer for this one? It's a quote from Charlie on "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia."
** Much more interesting that A Tale of Two Cities, or tales of the glories of Christmases long long ago. Not necessarily more interesting than Duck Tales (Ah woo-oo!).