To discuss Hilary Duff taking down the Fourth Estate with one ABC Family swoop

During my blogging hiatus, I watched the following movies:
Boy in the Striped Pajamas (Dead kitten sad)
Date Night (Delightful)
I Love You, Man (Very re-watchable)
2012 (Better than expected)
Brothers (Watched it for Natalie Portman, but fun to watch Spiderman lose his mind)
Transformers 2 (Could be one of the most unwatchable movies I've ever seen, and I saw Austin Powers 3)

But last night. Oh, last night. I watched something just for all of you, dear readers, something I Tivo'd from Sunday night just because I knew it would be a gem.

I'm talking ABC Family. Hilary Duff. Beauty & The Briefcase.

You just got served, bitches.

Capricorn knows that above any of my issues with a movie, the one that bugs me most (other than Michael Bay, a recent addition) is the use of journalists. She can't even talk to me about the Drew Barrymore flick, "Never Been Kissed," as I get outraged that any newspaper reporter would be allowed to basically go undercover on her own just to write one story.

Fortunately, ABC Family didn't let me down. Here's the premise: Lane (Hilary Duff) is a freelance writer hoping to write for big-time fashion magazines. She gets a break and is asked to write for Cosmopolitan about finding a workplace romance in corporate America. The only problem is, she has to go undercover and pretend to be a businesswoman! The hijinx! Her goal for the article is to find a "man in a suit" that meets all her checklist items of her "magic man" (I can't make this up).

And now, for a rundown of "Beauty & The Briefcase" (B&B)

• Does anybody else categorize Hilary Duff movies based on whether she is curvy or bird-like thin? In this one, she's working her J-Lo curves, which is refreshing. I'm glad ABC Family let her eat. Ahem, CW?
  
• If you didn't know Cosmo was one of the sponsors, Hilary and her roomie, who live in an impossibly sized loft in NYC considering they are poor media types, have a Cosmo shrine on their wall. I'd say that's strange, but then again, I'm a heterosexual male who writes Cosmo recaps every month, so ...
  
• Millions of Americans are unemployed, but in B&B, you can just lie on your resume and walk right into a full-time job at an investment firm.
• Lane spends the whole movie feeling out of place in the corporate world. There is no explanation of why she doesn't just find a job in corporate communications.
• Another Cosmo influence: Lane's article is a way for her to find a man to fulfill the void in her life, as if that will solve everything. At least her article premise wasn't "Get a corporate job to learn the 7 BEST orgasm tricks." That wouldn't have been an ABC Family kind of movie.
  
• She's often dressed like she's in an office-themed porno, and she's the only woman under 40 in the office, and yet is surprised all the horny guys in the office like her. At one point, she's, like, so embarrassed that she bent over and showed cleavage and her ass to her boss.
• She and her friends play Go Fish using photos of male body parts.
  
• She's hired as a "corporate synergy executive" who must know specific business software, and yet rarely is asked to do anything but answer the phone and giggle.
• She goes on dates with everyone in the office, but doesn't sleep with any of them. You'd think by the fifth guy, word would have gotten around she was closed for business.
  
• The Cosmo editor says her initial article "lacks depth." I'd like to know of any Cosmo article with depth. XOXO, Cosmo, just kidding, I'll still write for you!
  
• On a first date, she tells a guy she likes to play games with "feathers and chocolate sauce." At this point, I realize Lizzie McGuire is kinda a slut.
• I also realize I still am mad at Hilary for "Raise Your Voice."Like, for making that whole movie.
  
• According to B&B, all guys in corporate America have no personalities but are eager to have sex, and all women have big dreams but would settle for a guy who is good at sex.
• Her token "Hey, I do have a talent in this unfamiliar job!" movie cliche is creating visuals for a presentation ... that look oddly familiar to a Cosmo cover. Hilary, if you want a Cosmo cover, this is how you do it.* (* P.S. Anyone interested in me and Ben doing a Part II this summer?)
• She gets the cover story ... and is the cover model. Take that, Heidi Klum of the May issue! Where's your article?
• It took her two hours to figure out opposites attract.
  

Worst line:
"The business world looks a lot like heaven to me. Heaven in a tie." - Lane

How the mighty have fallen:
Jaime Pressley is in this movie.

Journalism no-no's:
- Drinking during an interview
- Taking gifts
- Comparing an undercover Cosmo assignment that's basically a "Never Been Kissed" ripoff to the work of Woodward and Bernstein, the Watergate reporters who, by the way, didn't work undercover.
- Lying
- Changing your story angle without talking to an editor
- An editor telling you who you can and can't date
- Printing a copy of your notes on your work printer while you're being an undercover reporter
- Making up sources
- Being Hilary Duff in general

I hope this has helped you. And for those who are now Cosmo-hungry, there will be a Cosmo review up later this week.