Tuesday, May 4, 2010

To discuss potentially the best lost dog classified ad ever

The following is an actual classified that actually appeared in a daily newspaper (not mine) last month. To not share it with you would be both criminal and shameful. Everything appears exactly as it was printed in what surely was one of the most expensive classified ads of the year (Considering it's usually a per character charge, you'd think she would go easy on the exclamation points). My thoughts are in italics.

Dog Still Missing
German Shepherd Mix REWARD!!!

How to Recognize GUMBONE:
1. Holding any treat, ask him to sit, then ask him a question? He will shake his head yes or no.
"Hey Gumbone, did you run away? *shakes head* "Are you thirsty?" *nods head* "What are your thoughts on the clean-up efforts of the Gulf Coast oil spill?" *growls*

2. By now, he will have torn someone's house apart, starting with the food garbage, stuffed animals, dolls, pillows, carved wood, any food left on the counter, anything left on any surface.
Including babies and ungirded loins.

3. He will eat: cat poop, cow poop, horse poop, birdseed, flowers, balls, branches, toys, pencils, papers, photos, wires & anything plastic? You get the idea!
My God, I do. You have a Great White shark/earthworm/goat dog mix. But I do wonder how you observed him eating all this and never thought to, say, tell him that's bad. Why was he so often near poop?

4. He likes to break fences, jump up on counters, beds, sofas & large chairs.
We're a Charles Grodin away from a Beethoven sequel.

5. He will roll in any kind of poop, or anything that is dead, rotting or full of maggots.
Please tell me the dead, rotting, full of maggots animals aren't on your property and that he likes to break fences and scurry down the road to find dead poopy possums. Please. The alternative just sent a shiver down my spine.

YOU MIGHT WONDER WHY on God's green earth I would want THIS dog back?
I have a feeling the dog might be wondering the same about you.

I don't have any kids & would you get rid of a problem child?
Macaulay Caulkin in "Home Alone" was a problem child. You have Macaulay Caulkin in "The Good Son."

PLEASE Ask 3 people you know if they've seen this little guy. I am offering a reward if you can believe it.
No, no I don't.

Ed. note: Now it gets even weirder. Seriously.

I am in touch with a gal whose dog tracks, so please CALL WITH SIGHTINGS! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel that he is alive & think someone has felt pity & taken him in for the winter. I've tried to do a profile: I believe it is a woman living alone (a man would have kicked him out by now) who doesn't see well to read, who is regretting her decision but can't let him go due to the weather.

So, basically, you're profiling yourself. And how exactly will running a newspaper classified help if the woman can't see well enough to read?

Gumbone is lovable, but I'm sure she won't mind getting rid of him by now.......................

Yeah, how can she pass up a dog ripping apart her house and eating all the finest poop?

Hopefully, he'll run away from her too and I won't have to pay for damages incurred.

Except you supplied your contact information and a description of the dog in a newspaper. Other than that, foolproof.

Also, this little guy is sneaky. If this woman has him, she is probably questioning her mental capabilities.

Seriously, is this "woman" a self-profile?

He can gulp an entire loaf of bread & hide the bag in the time it takes to answer the phone for a wrong number. Now where did I put that darn loaf? I shudder to think if she wears Dentures!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are you worried the dog would eat the dentures, or use the dentures to help chew the bread? And why would you be leaving food out in the open when yo... aw, screw it.

a/k/a Gumbo, Puppy, Gooney! Mostly black & tan, 2.5 years, neutered mle, 55 lbs., hair haunches, maybe collar with red heart & ID, friendly. Does not bite!

Unless you are poop. Then you're yourself out of luck.

Will let you catch him if you give him food... even fruit!!!

Now the dog is a healthy eater?
Ed. note: I hope the dog returned, because it sure sounds like this woman needs him. But it would be a great loss to the classified ad industry.


Ben said...

The picture painted by that post is about as creepy as The Good Son.

Soda and Candy said...

That is just all kinds of wow. Way to display your emotional issues on paper, lady.

But seriously I feel sorry for her, both because she had such an awful dog and because she lost him (dog owners know what I'm talking about).

theOtherStacy said...

This should've come with a warning, I'm in the library!
The people around me probably couldn't tell if I was laughing, crying, or having a seizure.

Kellie said...

Is that the actual picture that was posted? Wow. I still don't understand why she would want this dog back. This has got to be a practical joke or something.

Anonymous said...

My newsroom thoroughly enjoyed this, ha.

Anonymous said...

Wow. Really??? Uhhmm.... yeah.. Just WOW.

I think that's all my brain is capable of saying about that.

But I do hope she finds her destructive little friend. Quickly. Before he eats all of the poop, bread and dentures in whatever town this is.

kisatrtle said...

LOL this ad is a hoot.

justsomethoughts... said...

You’re right
It would have been criminal not tot share this.

That having been said, I just checked and found my loins already girded.
I wouldn’t want to chance that sort of thing.

Jenners said...

After reading this ad, I'm not at all surprised the Gumbone ran away. I think he's been plotting his escape for a long long long time.

Herding Cats said...

If I was that dog, I'd run away too.

Children of the 90s said...

What about Junior in Problem Child? Now that's a problem child.

I'll admit some of these characteristics sound eerily similar to my dog. It's enough to make me wonder why I keep him around after he spends all that time exhausting me with his insatiable consumption of food garbage/stuffed animals/dolls/pillows/carved wood/anything.

Sam_I_am said...

oh....my....God.... I think I have his long lost cousin. She eats whatever isn't nailed down. Including the couch and she loves fruits and veggies

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