To discuss potentially the best lost dog classified ad ever

The following is an actual classified that actually appeared in a daily newspaper (not mine) last month. To not share it with you would be both criminal and shameful. Everything appears exactly as it was printed in what surely was one of the most expensive classified ads of the year (Considering it's usually a per character charge, you'd think she would go easy on the exclamation points). My thoughts are in italics.

Dog Still Missing

German Shepherd Mix REWARD!!!

How to Recognize GUMBONE:

1. Holding any treat, ask him to sit, then ask him a question? He will shake his head yes or no.

"Hey Gumbone, did you run away? *shakes head* "Are you thirsty?" *nods head* "What are your thoughts on the clean-up efforts of the Gulf Coast oil spill?" *growls*

2. By now, he will have torn someone's house apart, starting with the food garbage, stuffed animals, dolls, pillows, carved wood, any food left on the counter, anything left on any surface.

Including babies and ungirded loins.

3. He will eat: cat poop, cow poop, horse poop, birdseed, flowers, balls, branches, toys, pencils, papers, photos, wires & anything plastic? You get the idea!

My God, I do. You have a Great White shark/earthworm/goat dog mix. But I do wonder how you observed him eating all this and never thought to, say, tell him that's bad. Why was he so often near poop?

4. He likes to break fences, jump up on counters, beds, sofas & large chairs.

We're a Charles Grodin away from a Beethoven sequel.

5. He will roll in any kind of poop, or anything that is dead, rotting or full of maggots.

Please tell me the dead, rotting, full of maggots animals aren't on your property and that he likes to break fences and scurry down the road to find dead poopy possums. Please. The alternative just sent a shiver down my spine.

YOU MIGHT WONDER WHY on God's green earth I would want THIS dog back?

I have a feeling the dog might be wondering the same about you.

I don't have any kids & would you get rid of a problem child?

Macaulay Caulkin in "Home Alone" was a problem child. You have Macaulay Caulkin in "The Good Son."

PLEASE Ask 3 people you know if they've seen this little guy. I am offering a reward if you can believe it.

No, no I don't.

Ed. note: Now it gets even weirder. Seriously.

I am in touch with a gal whose dog tracks, so please CALL WITH SIGHTINGS! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel that he is alive & think someone has felt pity & taken him in for the winter. I've tried to do a profile: I believe it is a woman living alone (a man would have kicked him out by now) who doesn't see well to read, who is regretting her decision but can't let him go due to the weather.

So, basically, you're profiling yourself. And how exactly will running a newspaper classified help if the woman can't see well enough to read?

Gumbone is lovable, but I'm sure she won't mind getting rid of him by now.......................

Yeah, how can she pass up a dog ripping apart her house and eating all the finest poop?

Hopefully, he'll run away from her too and I won't have to pay for damages incurred.

Except you supplied your contact information and a description of the dog in a newspaper. Other than that, foolproof.

Also, this little guy is sneaky. If this woman has him, she is probably questioning her mental capabilities.

Seriously, is this "woman" a self-profile?

He can gulp an entire loaf of bread & hide the bag in the time it takes to answer the phone for a wrong number. Now where did I put that darn loaf? I shudder to think if she wears Dentures!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are you worried the dog would eat the dentures, or use the dentures to help chew the bread? And why would you be leaving food out in the open when yo... aw, screw it.

a/k/a Gumbo, Puppy, Gooney! Mostly black & tan, 2.5 years, neutered mle, 55 lbs., hair haunches, maybe collar with red heart & ID, friendly. Does not bite!

Unless you are poop. Then you're yourself out of luck.

Will let you catch him if you give him food... even fruit!!!

Now the dog is a healthy eater?

---------------------------

Ed. note: I hope the dog returned, because it sure sounds like this woman needs him. But it would be a great loss to the classified ad industry.

To discuss checking out checks, or why America is Looney

I had to order new checks yesterday, which is a strange thing to do when you barely ever use checks. Lately, I use checks to do one of the following:
1) Pay rent
2) Pay for my fantasy football league
3) ....
3) ....
3) .... OK, I think that's it.

Checks are an antiquated thing now, like using a typewriter, ordering merchandise you see on TV by calling on the phone, or being gainfully employed.

But there are certain things you need them for, just like there are certain times you need cash (one day, cocaine dealers around America will unite and get a debit swipe machine ... I mean, the Salvation Army did it!).

So I went online to find a replacement. Good God, y'all. What is wrong with America? These are some of the top options available at several popular check ordering sites:

What this check says about you: You are not to be taken seriously. You consider Mickey and Minnie to be the gold standard of marriage. You are still delusional in thinking Mickey and Donald aren't secretly in love.

What this check says about you: You like one of the most annoying, self-indulgent, malicious Warner Bros. characters, Tweety, and even more, you want to share that passion with everyone who receives a check. You tawt you taw a puddy tat. You also have a raging speech impediment.

What this check says about you: You have the hots for an animated fairy and have spent hours on the Web searching for "Twinkerbell Lost Boys sex." That is, unless you're Linda Franklin of "Jim or Linda Franklin." Then you are hoping your husband picked out these checks because he has the hots for Twinkerbell. Otherwise, he might be a closet fairy boy.

What this check says about you: You hope people ignore your usual Memo line of: "Don't cash until next Friday please" and instead realize you still hold out hope you will one day live in one of these majestic castles. And you will. As a servant.

What this check says about you: You have good taste, as this is one of the most popular check designs. What that says about America, I'm not sure. Boop oop a doop?


I ended up going with a Pittsburgh Pirates baseball theme, which was both remind people that I'm a guy who loves sports, and a guy who is used to losing (in this case, money from my checking account).
Just before I was finished ordering, I was given the option to include a personal message on my checks. Here were the options:

With God, all things are possible

Miracles happen to those who believe.

Money talks...mine says goodbye!

Count your blessings.

We do not own the earth...we borrow it from our children.

I'd rather be fishing!

Season's Greetings

Those are a good way to get punched in the groin. "Money talks... mine sa *crotch punch* Oh sweet Jesus..."
I had the option of writing my own message. It was too tempting to write something like:
* Do you feel good stealing from the poor like this?
* I could have used this to feed the needy in Africa, but you had to take it
* This is drug money
* Let's stop being polite and just assume this check won't clear

Sure, a lot of these checks are "cute," and there's no harm in that, to an extent. But they also didn't have many manly options. Where's the barb wire? Where's the amputated limbs? Where's the stripper with daddy issues?

P.S. If any of you have Tweety bird on your checks, please send one to me, written out with the amount left in your checking account, and then proceed to rip up the remaining checks and enter a Warner Bros rehab program. Thanks.