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Thursday, May 27, 2010

To discuss thoughts on the American Idol season 9 finale

Millions of you probably watched the American Idol season 9 finale results show with Lee and Crystal duking it out to produce an album dozens of you will buy. Millions of you may have opted to instead read about the :30 second results of a two-hour show on blogs. God bless you. Here's the highlights of the season finale:
  • Orianthi is the best female guitarist alive. I say this because I can't think of any others off the top of my head.
  • Fun fact: Idol eliminee Siobhan once said she thinks Cosmopolitan magazine is filthy. Fun fact #2: Siobhan decided to go with the slutty school girl ensemble tonight with décolletage.
  • Fun fact #2.5: Nothing makes cleavage sound classier than decolletage.
  • You may not know it by the absurd number of technical and production gaffes the past two nights, but Idol is the most watched show in the country.
  • I keep thinking Adam Lambert won last year. It's not a good sign for Kris Allen that I keep thinking that.
  • If you hadn't heard, this was Simon Cowell's last show. If the federal government was half as critical of oil executives as Simon is of ridiculous auditionees, maybe the Gulf of Mexico would still be blue. And a better singer.
  • Rumor has it Ryan Dunkleman is coming back to the show to take Simon's spot.
  • The Freaking Gibb brothers performed. I'd say more, but I couldn't stop thinking of this SNL clip.
  • Michael Lynche reminds me of Boyz II Men, 112, and Color Me Badd ... oops, missed a phrase there: reminds me of the cumulative body mass of ...
  • Loved the idea of having former Idol rejects come back to taunt Simon. Except the producers didn't think about the fact they are rejects for a reason, and one of them took over the microphone and started mouthing off and they had to cut to commercial. Also not funny: Nick Mitchell and Tatianna del Whoro made it just as far as Lilly Scott did in their respective seasons.
  • Girls group song: "Beautiful" and "Fighter" by Christina Aguilera. Girls group outfits: inspired by a bondage version of "Dirtty" by Christina Aguilera.
  • Ooh, Christina showed up to perform! Soak it in, people. You won't see her perform this summer. She realized she's too busy. Do you get the sense she finished her song, and thought, "That's how it's done, bitches."?
  • Guy group song: Casey James' hair and Tim Urban's biceps performed while the other guys body parts swooned, as is natural to do in such a situation.
  • Dude! Joey Gladstone's ex-girlfriend sang with Crystal! There's so much girl power on stage the Spice Girls spontaneously combusted.
  • Bret Michaels was healthy enough to perform with Casey, and that's really nice to see, considering his health woes. Good job, Bret.
  • Lee Dewyze gets paired with Chicago for his celebrity performance. I was hoping he'd get paired with Nickelback for an epic guttural growling competition.
  • I can't back this with data or sources, but "Pants on the Ground" may have caused the oil spill.
  • Paula Abdul told a series of poorly-written jokes that culminated in saying she and Simon had a love-child. Still, that qualified for her most sane moment in nine seasons of Idol.
  • I am saying this as gently and delicately as possible: I honestly wondered for about 20 seconds who the blond girl was singing on stage, before realizing it was Kelly Clarkson, who basically must have said, "OK, let's just screw pretending I have the body frame of Britney Spears, and let me eat some donuts. Agreed?"
  • All the past Idol winners sang together, reminding us all how the Idol machine never ceases to produce megastar after megastar. Clarkson, Underwood, um ... Fantasia was on Broadway, right? ... And a bunch of Top 10 finalists from years past showed up, too, eager to have employment.
  • And to keep up American Idol's family-friendly programming, Janet Jackson sang "Nasty Boys." Ms. Jackson if you're nasty, Randy Jackson if you're into that kind of thing.
  • At the 2:05 mark, we got the results of America's vote. Lee wins. Music loses.

6 comments:

P said...

Oh Andy, how you crack me up. I nearly burst into hysterical laughter at the Janet Jackson/Randy Jackson comment. In the office. IN FRONT OF OTHER HUMANS!!!

Damn you.

nowimagrownup said...

Last night was a HUGE disappointment for me! The guest performers were OLD, Paula's speech was strange and my favorite idol (David Cook) was MIA during the group farewell to Simon. What the hell?

Herding Cats said...

That was so much better than actually watching that stupid show!

BeckEye said...

"Tatianna del Whoro" - WHOA. Watch it there, buddy. She and I will both cut you.

Anonymous said...

Dude. Prior to this year, the only year I didn't watch Idol was season 1. And now that I finally kick the habit, you finally blog about it? I know you've made mentions about it before, but where was this kind of Wild ARS Chasing of Idol before?

Anonymous said...

Dude. For some reason your comment thing isn't letting me use my OpenID or type in a name/URL. That anonymous comment above was from me. Joshlos.

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