I really thought I could avoid the lure of another season of The Bachelor/Bachelorette. Last season, the first full one I had watched in a while, was just SO over the top, with Vienna and Jake finding "love," i.e. each other's private parts, in the finale.
But there are just too many golden comedy opportunities for me to not at least recap the season premiere of The Bachelorette, starring a girl who quit last season, Ali. And America loves a quitter! Let's get to the TV Play by Play ...
I almost forgot Ali brought that peacock feather along to meet Jake. Let's keep that in mind when all types of cheesy items are brought to her.
What I don't forget: Ali constantly talking behind people's backs and complaining a lot. And then having to "choose" between her job at Facebook and competing for Jake, which begged the question, why did she compete on the show if she knew she'd have a chance of losing her job? Which leads me to believe, as some have said, the producers offered her The Bachelorette in exchange for creating some drama on the Bachelor and leaving.
We're reminded again that Ali quit her job, and is still the kind of girl who "will throw on a pair of jeans and kick the soccer ball around." AND IT'S CRAZY TRUE BECAUSE THEY SHOW HER DOING JUST THAT! HEAVENS TO BETSY!
People, stay away from beaches. They are only good for staring pensively and longingly.
Did Ali get a little bigger since last season? Not that it's necessarily a bad thing. Just noticed it. You know, when I wasn't trying to figure out if she has hair extensions or her hair naturally looks like that.
And now on to the guys:
Frank, 31, a retail manager from Geneva, Ill.... who shouts "I love Chicago," unaware he lives an hour from Chicago. He quit his big corporate job to become a screenwriter. He also "loves" Ali already. Frank, a prime candidate for the next ADHD pill trial, climbs out of the limo sunroof in an attempt to make "The Soup." It's a real mystery how he hasn't settled down yet ... He's an early contender for "least liked by other contestants," and you know producers will tell her to keep him around. He also seems to love to talking about his "riches to rags" life choice, which makes it seem phony. And nothing on these shows is phony.
Jay, 29, a lawyer from Barrington, R.I. ... who missed his calling as a used car salesman. He also is totally Mitch Albom-ing his big ears with his hairstyle.
Craig M, 33, a dental salesman from Sarnia, Canada and self-professed "ladies man"... Bachelorette producers, please limit the "Staring into the sunset" montages. We're up to 4 already, and we're 14 minutes into the season. Craig gets best line so far- "I'm so happy you're not Vienna." He's such a "ladies man" he gets steamrolled by a weatherman, and jealous of a wrestler.
Kyle, 26, "outdoorsman" from Highlands Ranch, Col., who basically said he's lonely ice-fishing by himself, and has killed everything from rattlesnakes to mountain lions to a ... dove? What's next, a kitten? "I'm not afraid of the other 25 guys. I mean, I've killed a bear," Kyle says. Hard to argue with that kind of logic. Ali says she loves fishing, so that'll buy him a couple weeks.
Justin, 26, a wrestler from Toronto. "Mr. Rated R" is a douche/pro wrestler who is so hardcore he knows what a first impression rose is. And is a "grandma's boy." Home visit! Home visit! He gets sympathy right off the bat with a broken foot/crutches. Dude, you should have asked her to sign the cast. -1 point for using the word "jabroney." +1 point for saying "I think Craig might be here to get more hair products."
Phil, an Investment Manager from Chicago. His brother died, and so Phil has changed his priorities, and now does triathalons. Beat that sob story, people.
Jonathan, 30, a weatherman (!) from Houston. He says his humor will help him, but that's "weatherman humor," so get ready for lots of storm jokes. He offers her his jacket, a suave move, but he's still veering into friends territory. I say this because I just rewatched "Just Friends."
Ty, 31, a medical salesman from Nashville. He's a divorcee as of a couple months ago, so he's definitely ready for another relationship. I wonder if the airline charged him for all that extra baggage? He thanks Ali about 10 times for meeting him. He's got a Southern accent, so that's automatically going to get you some leeway.
Chris L., 32, a landscaper from Cape Cod, Mass. His mom recently died, so he'll compete with Phil for sob story of the night. Ali gave him the friend vibe right off the bat. And then she asks him if his parents are together, and he says, "Yes." Touchy subject still.
Roberto, 26, an insurance agent from Charleston. He busts out the Spanish right away, a smart move. She's totally digging him. She's blushing, giggling... he's sticking around. By the way, I wrote all that before she said "I'm definitely, definitely digging Roberto," and before she gave him the First Impression Rose/Boutonniere.
Tyler V., 25, an online advertising agent from Chelsea, Verm. Way too meek for Ali. Walks away before she can even grab his hand again. It was like watching a middle school dance.
Derrick, 27, a construction engineer from San Diego who, if he's really 27, makes me wonder if I look that old, too. He also talk to himself in the mirror. Oh, and he calls himself "Shooter." Why is that? As he later tells her, inexplicably, he got the nickname because in college he was known for having having premature performance issues in the bed, to put it delicately. Not sure why I put it delicately, cause he doesn't. He also says he hopes he didn't say that to her "too early." I'll just leave that joke alone.
Steve, 28, a sales rep from Cleveland. About the same height as Ali. So, strike 1.
John C., 32, a hotel business development agent from Issaquah, Wash. Cheesy but cute- He "proposes" to her to guarantee alone time.
Kirk, 27, a sales consultant from Green Bay, Wisc. Demanded a hug. Gave an origami rose. 0 for 2, buddy. Wait, 0 for 3. He made a scrapbook about his life for Ali. "I spent, like, 8 hours on it," he says. "I really think she liked the scrapbook!" I'm sure she did, Kirk. I'm sure she did.
Chris H., 27, a real estate developer from Vancouver. Seems like a genuinely nice, fun guy. So that's a bad sign.
John N., 27, an engineering software salesman from Wichita, Kansas. Cannon fodder.
Jesse, 24, a general contractor from Peculiar, Missouri ... who probably thought up his "How do you feel about dating a Peculiar man?" line on the plane ride in but hadn't ever realized how dumb it sounds when you actually say it.
Chris N., 29, an entrepreneur from Orlando. He gives Ali a rose - kinda clever, except it's a fake rose.
Kasey, 27, an advertising account executive from Clovis, Calif. He promises to protect Ali's heart. He sounds like he swallowed a Muppet. And then he promises to protect her heart again. And he subliminally promises to continue to fake tan as much as possible.
Craig R., 27, a lawyer from Philadelphia. Cannon fodder who is playing the tattletale role. Tattletales never win these shows.
Tyler M., 25, a catering manager from Austin ... who wears cowboy boots, partially because he thought Ali wore the same thing on her first show. Yeah, she didn't. Awkward. Why don't you call her the wrong name next?
Hunter, 28, an Internet account executive from San Antonio ... who announced "I'm coming in for the hug" and then said he had to pee. You stay classy, San Antonio. And then he busts out his ukulele; it's bad enough when the token guy busts out his guitar, but you busted out a tiny guitar.
Derek, 28, a sales manager from Warren, Michigan. Another clever idea- playing off her falling leaves/make a wish thing. But she seems to prefer the manly men. He's not manly. In fact, he may be better suited for "Project Runway." Ahem.
Phil, 30, an investment manager from Chicago. Gets another "stick the butt out" hug from Ali," which Cosmo body language experts will tell you is a bad sign. So I've been told. Oh, whatever, you know I read it.
Jason, 27, a construction consultant from Denver. Does a back flip off the limo, in case Ali was interested in dating a street dancer. Then gets jealous of ukulele-playing Hunter, who he calls "the nerd that never gets the girl." No, Jason, the nerds do get girls now. It's the latest thing.
And back to the action:
Plot twist: Everyone writes down the name of someone who isn't there for the right reason. Are they allowed to write Ali? Anyway, the guy with the most votes is Justin (not Craig M.? Really?) Well, you know he's safe, because they spent so much footage on him already. And I'm right, as Ali gives him a rose.
Also getting roses: Peculiar Jesse, Ty's accent, Tattletale Craig R., Meek Tyler V., Frenetic Frank, Short Steve, Cape Cod Chris L., Kirk's scrapbook, John C's proposal, Chris N's fake rose, Nice Guy Chris H., Hunter's ukulele, Craig's M's hair, Weatherman Jonathan, Muppet Kasey. That's in addition to Spanish Roberto and Wrestling Justin
Notable no roses: Outdoor Kyle, who said he "feels like a failure for the first time in my life" (way to stay upbeat, buddy), and Shooter Derrick. That one's a mystery. "I kinda got it off to a bad start," Shooter says. Kinda? Then I "kinda" want to be the wings in a Victoria's Secret runway show.
Notable things coming up this year: Ali makes out with everyone; Justin is the token misunderstood villain; Kasey may have suicidal tendencies; one of the guys has a girlfriend back home (My thought: Just one?!); Ali makes out with more guys; someone possibly proposes to Ali in Tahiti...
Check out the ukulele moment: