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Monday, December 13, 2010

To discuss the craziness that is Bath and Body Works' scents

I have walked into Bath & Body Works with a variety of females throughout my life. Here is what they always, always say as soon as we step in the door:

"Oh, I'm only going to get something if there's a sale."

Fun fact: There's ALWAYS a sale, ladies! Do you think anyone is paying full price for a bottle of lotion with a fancy name? No, sir. But you will buy 10 bottles of lotion for $50, down from $60, because you can totally justify it.

"Well, I only needed one bottle, but that's such a good deal, and I could stick one in my car, and, oh maybe one extra at work. And ooooh I love this scent! OMG!"

I'm not downplaying how good some of that stuff smells. Of course, if I worked there, smelling that every day would lead to several shades of Apricot Vanilla murder, but from time to time, it can be pleasant (I'm a sucker for any woman with vanilla).

And yet, I do wonder this:

Is there somebody out there whose entire job is to think of names for the fragrances?

Who came up with...

* Cool Citrus Basil (A cold basil-covered orange sounds disgusting)
* Enchanted Orchid (Does it talk? Can it sing or dance?)
* Fiji Passionfruit (Did you just pick a random tropical location?)
* Night Blooming Jasmine (Opposed to day blooming?)
* Velvet Tuberose (I think that's what Nicole Kidman died of in "Moulin Rouge")
* Sweet Cinnamon Pumpkin (... are just random words you threw together)

And that brings me to this point:

Couldn't I, too, be a Bath and Bodyworks fragrance namer? After all, there seems to be a pattern. Let's try.

Pick one word from this group:
Gorgeous ... Flowery ... Dew-kissed ... Honeycovered ... Genital warts inflicted ... Blood ravaged ... Mutilated ... Sweet kiss of death loving ...

Then add it to this group:
Rose petals ... Cucumber slices ... Teddybears ... Osama bin Laden ... Firey loins ... Death row inmate ... Harry Potter

It's that easy, isn't it? And people will buy that stuff, just because it's from Bath & Body Works and on sale. You're welcome, Bath & Body Works.

Please let me know if you have any names, and I'm sure you do.

7 comments:

Firefly Haven said...

Delicate Ox Musk.

FunnyGal KAT said...

Andy, you forgot to put that disclaimer about how Bath & Body Works is compensating you to say all these wonderful things about the company. I can't even go into the place-- the sweet stink from anywhere within 100 yards of the place is enough to keep me away!

BeckEye said...

I'm slathering their Sweet Pea hand cream on as I type this. OK, that's a lie...but it's going on right after I type this because winter is wreaking havoc on my hands.

Amy xxoo said...

I'm a bit miffed that Fiji scored a mention and Australia didnt ( you suck Bath and Bodyworks! ) so of course i'd have to go with something like:
Refreshing Australian Eucalyptus ( just dont tell the ladies thats wat koalas eat .... )

kisatrtle said...

Andy this made me snort laugh. Thanks.

Jenners said...

The thought of rubbing Dew-Kissed Osama Bin-Laden on my hands is both disturbing and amusing.

Higgenbottom said...

copy writers write this. that's what i do. in fact, one of my names just got rejected today. i tried naming a men's t-shirt "cougar bait."

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