Please enclose a check for $1 to cover the Blockbuster Express fee from renting your movie, "Leap Year."
Considering the horrendous green screen special effects, the plot holes, the ridiculously stereotypical Irish jokes, the lackluster dialogue and the waste of your talents, I think we can agree it's a fair deal.
Dear America's Next Top Model:
I have agreed to listen to your music this year at the present time, after you force fed it to me for weeks.
But I did not agree to the corresponding increase in parking and traffic volume. It is not acceptable. Please inform holiday shoppers they can buy most of that stuff online for the same price.
Dear Harry Potter Deathly Hallows:
Who knew that I'd get shut out of seeing you last Saturday because you were sold out, a week after being released?
But I saw you Monday, and, despite not being a hardcore, wet in the pants Harry Potter-aholic, I still greatly enjoyed you. You do a great job at developing memorable characters, and Alan Rickman is always a delight.
Plus, you randomly had Hermione in a nude scene that I may or may not be too old to enjoy.
See you next time.
Dear Nail That Was in My Tire:
Nails have two purposes: Holding things together, and being strewn about parking lots to be rolled over by tires.
At least I could plug up the hole you created. But you are not getting a Christmas gift from me.
Dear Love And Other Drugs:
I found you to be enjoyable and well-acted. And you put Parkinson's in the public eye.
Anne Hathaway couldn't have been more naked if she had just been born. Good God, y'all. That is a pretty lady.
Wishing it was in 3D,
Dear Natalie Portman:
I look forward to seeing your new movie, Black Swan, whenever I get the chance.
But if you don't return my calls, it's going to be very hard to continue to fake date you without your knowledge. You are evidently not very good at sexting.