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Thursday, December 2, 2010

To discuss letters to various things of varying degrees of importance

Dear Amy Adams:
Please enclose a check for $1 to cover the Blockbuster Express fee from renting your movie, "Leap Year."
Considering the horrendous green screen special effects, the plot holes, the ridiculously stereotypical Irish jokes, the lackluster dialogue and the waste of your talents, I think we can agree it's a fair deal.

Thanks,
Andy

Dear America's Next Top Model:
Ann? Really?

Regrets,
Andy

Dear Christmas:
I have agreed to listen to your music this year at the present time, after you force fed it to me for weeks.

But I did not agree to the corresponding increase in parking and traffic volume. It is not acceptable. Please inform holiday shoppers they can buy most of that stuff online for the same price.

Yuletides,
Andy

Dear Harry Potter Deathly Hallows:
Who knew that I'd get shut out of seeing you last Saturday because you were sold out, a week after being released?

But I saw you Monday, and, despite not being a hardcore, wet in the pants Harry Potter-aholic, I still greatly enjoyed you. You do a great job at developing memorable characters, and Alan Rickman is always a delight.

Plus, you randomly had Hermione in a nude scene that I may or may not be too old to enjoy.
See you next time.

Love,
Muggle

Dear Nail That Was in My Tire:
Nails have two purposes: Holding things together, and being strewn about parking lots to be rolled over by tires.
At least I could plug up the hole you created. But you are not getting a Christmas gift from me.

Jerk.

Dear Love And Other Drugs:
I found you to be enjoyable and well-acted. And you put Parkinson's in the public eye.

Anne Hathaway couldn't have been more naked if she had just been born. Good God, y'all. That is a pretty lady.

Wishing it was in 3D,
Andy

Dear Natalie Portman:
I look forward to seeing your new movie, Black Swan, whenever I get the chance.

But if you don't return my calls, it's going to be very hard to continue to fake date you without your knowledge. You are evidently not very good at sexting.

Love,
Your admirer

7 comments:

Liz said...

Aw, hatin' on Ann. I would have approved of that up until the last episode.

I want to see Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis make out too!

Jenners said...

Oh ... this is such a classic Andy post. How I have missed them! Thanks for the early Christmas present.

FunnyGal KAT said...

That poor girl in the Cover Girl ad-- she has no body! It must be hard going through life as a floating head.

I just DVR'd "Leap Year" but it doesn't sound like I should waste my time. Is it worth it if it's free?

nowimagrownup said...

Oooh, I've been wanting to see Love and Other Drugs! A lady I work with said the first half is basically a soft-core porn, though. Maybe that will be the selling point I need to convince my boyfriend to go with me. He thinks it looks too much like a "chick flick." Bah-humbug.

dominique said...

Black Swan is AWESOME. I got to go to a screening with a q+a with Aranofsky afterward...very very cool. It's a twisted, disturbing movie but...what else would you expect.

kisatrtle said...

Dear Andy,

I have missed you,

kisa

BeckEye said...

Ann's runway walk can only be compared to that of a deer that just got sideswiped by a truck. Yeah, it gets up and gallops away, but it ain't graceful.

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