Tuesday, July 14, 2009

To discuss a Maxim review: July

My August Cosmo review will come as soon as Cosmo decides to bestow its latest edition upon my mailbox. They are hella slow. But Maxim? Once I subscribed (for blog purposes, people), I not only got the latest issue, I got two recent ones. Customer service!
Here's the July 2009 review. As always, there's links to some of the sexytime photos so I could make this post relatively safe for work, and, again, go to confession or whatever you usually do after reading naughty goodness:
  • I'm not sure if Olivia Wilde is showing her nipple on the cover shot in her sheer top, or if I just spilled something. Not sure I can get aroused over cola. Hey, who am I kidding.
  • Olivia is already setting new marks in the "not naked, but as close as I can get it" with the Contents page. She's wearing two strips of fabrics-- literally, just strips of fabrics-- hung vertically over her boobs. I admire her dedication and her apparently cold-resistant nipples.
  • Why do Newport ads look like they are stuck in the late 1980s? It's almost like they stopped trying and figured, "Hey, our customers are going to smoke anyways, why try to impress nonsmokers with the latest advertising designs?"
  • New pop singer Jessie James decided to up her credibility quotient with the ever-classy Q&A-plus-photo of my button up shirt not buttoned. I have yet to bump into a girl on the street who just thought it be better to go braless with an unbuttoned shirt. Maxim is a liar.
  • Surviving the Barbecue From Hell: Maxim offers tips on everything from helping an uncle who is choking to fighting off a bear attack. Not mentioned: How fend off a Yogi the Bear attack. I suggest putting a steel claw inside the pic-a-nic basket.
  • Maxim Music Reviews: Maxim recommends Wilco, Mars Volta and... Rob Thomas?!? Did someone transport me back to eighth grade, and I just missed it? Oh, crap, that means I'm 30 pounds lighter, have braces and no social skills. But I've got Matchbox 20!
  • Stuff: Fill Your Inner Emptiness With Material Goods... '10 Chevy Camaro vs. '10 Ford Mustang: I appreciate Maxim for having no pretenses. And I also appreciate the photo of the Camaro, which in a certain light arouses me and most men on a level only Olivia Wilde will match in this issue.
    Riding out the Recession: The market may have gone bust, but your sex life is about to go boom. A Maxim reporter interviewed a few Slutty McSlutterstonsfemales who all said the recession is making them hornier then ever. They are willing to try *ahem* new things and have as much sex as they can to get their mind off the recession. If only they would have been like that a year ago, a few choice bank execs may have been too busy to go to work and make terrible loan decisions, and we could have avoided this whole fiasco. Shame on you, Slutty. For shame.
  • Sex slang terms: Spider-man- "When a man throws a handful of his own baby batter." Gaylord Perry- "Use spit as a sexual lubricant." Now, I dare you to use both of those terms in a conversation tomorrow. Go!
  • Cover girl Olivia Wilde, star of "Year One": I've watched just about every episode of House, and have never seen Olivia Wilde in the context she's in for this photo spread. Maybe that's because doctors aren't allowed to walk around with only their hair covering their nipples (sanitation issue). Olivia was chosen as Maxim's Number 1 Hottie. Does she get a trophy? Is the trophy one giant, slightly covered nipple?
  • Olivia responds to Megan Fox's comment that Olivia makes Megan "want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands." Olivia thinks it's flattering. Well then, Olivia, you make me want to castrate a puma using a Q-tip and a lighter! Let's hook up!
  • Lady GaGa has a photo spread in a black leather bikini (video). Judging by her flawless skin--and I mean, Beyonce looks like a leper in comparison-- I'm guessing the Photoshop guy got slipped a little extra. Unless GaGa bathes in shea butter and fairytales.
  • Christina Milian even has her own photo spread: Who is Christina Milian, you ask? Well, if you didn't see "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past" with Matty McConaughey (no one did), then let me give you a hint: ".... Poke it out like your back broke. Pop, pop, pop that thing/I'm a show you how to make your man say "Oh!"
  • Girls Gone Wild ad, offering the free DVD, "Top 50 Breasts EVER!": Is that 50 single breasts, or 25 pairs? I think it's misleading if it's 25 pairs, GGW. I would love to see your criteria, however: A) Did she show her boobs 'cause we asked? B) Are they even or lopsided? C) Is she barely legal? D) Does she have low self-esteem? .... Not in next Girls Gone Wild ad: "50 Best Creative Thinkers, plus 25 Outstanding Female Scientists! Fully clothed but with intellectual capacity!"


Anonymous said...

her nipple was indeed photoshopped out. i know the the guys who do the maxim account...they had a field day with that one. and who is this jessie james person? googling now.

Little Ms Blogger said...

Riding out the Recession: The market may have gone bust, but your sex life is about to go boom.

I know being in month 14 of unemployment that is my first thought running through my head. LOL.

Ben said...

Why would ANYONE 'spiderman' something??!?!

I'm horrified.

Melinda said...

Riding out the recession - maybe they should be charging for their new found sexual liberation. That would at least put an end to their own financial shortcomings.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

I read recently that Olivia Wilde and Megan Fox has a steaming hot love affair a few years back. If I am correct, Megan Fox expained the relationship as "intense" and passionate- and I'm assusing head slaming into the wall, sex.

I'm not sure wether to interpret her comment as if Olivia broke her heart or some other meaning of intense sexual twisted-ness.

Tash said...

I don't know...Gaylord Perry doesn't seem like a good verb. Gramatically, I'm concerned.

Kellie said...

Gotta admit, Olivia is hot. Period. And I'm not gay.

~Sheila~ said...

Maxim is a liar!!!
I can never go bra-less unless I plan on knocking someone out with my wild-waving boob in my mad rush to get out of the embarrassing light.

*~Dani~* said...

Megan Fox shouldn't make promises she can't keep. Strangling an ox with her bare hands. Puh-lease.

Jess said...

I actually always walk around with no bra and my shirt undone.

People seem to like me better that way.

(I'm joking. Maybe.)

Soda and Candy said...

Spiderman... *shudder*

What is wrong with humanity???

Sam_I_am said...

The Spider-man almost made me vomit and seriously, what guy can come up with a whole "handful." Maybe if he has small hands.

Esmé Glass said...

I don't know which is more disturbing; the idea of my boyfriend flinging his ejaculate across the room, or referring to it as "baby batter".

P said...

Fabulous as ever . . . I'm still giggling away.

Andy - Instafather said...

Cavy- That is one heck of a job. "I'm the nipple eraser."
Little Ms.- It could be a whole new form of employment. Think outside the box (or inside the underwear, as the case may be)
Ben- I will never look at Tobey Maguire the same.
Melinda- I like your stimulus package.
Candy- * scours the Internet for video*
Tish- I'm glad that out of all the sex topics, you questioned the verbage of a euphemism. Bravo.
Kellie- But you play on on a Blog.
Sheila- That is one heck of a mental image. I think there should be a diagram.
Dani- She also essentially promises to sleep with every lonely man in America, at least according to her penchant for near-nudity and provocative comments. She hasn't followed up on that, either.
Jess- I think you're on to something. (Possibly, an unwanted baby or disease.)
Soda- People are really latching on to that Spiderman reference. Maxim must have touched a nerve.
Sam- He must be storing it up for months. Or maybe he's just making cupcakes and not a whole cake, so to speak.
Racquel- There's probably a joke about the batter needing yeast to rise, but I won't cross that line. I won't.
P- Thanks- I appreciate giggles.

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