To discuss What I Learned from Cosmo: May

It's long past due. Well, not really, because it's still May, but you know how magazines come out a month in advance. So here's What I Learned from Cosmo, May edition (here's April's edition). If you think Cosmo is smut, please do not read. If you're smutty yourself, read on.

• May's cover subject, Whitney Port from MTV's The City, admits she breaks down in tears a couple times a week from the stress of being on a reality television show. Whitney, not sure if you know this, but that's not normal. You may want to reconsider your life decisions if you are crying all the time. Unless the crying is part of the script.
  
• For Whitney's Cosmo quiz, she reveals she's never eaten pasta and she's addicted to soy lattes. You must be a real fun dinner date.
• The sexiest new kind of a woman: A puma, which is a woman in her 30s who likes younger dudes. Cosmo, always on top of things, includes a photo of a couple canoodling... and the "puma" in it looks like her mom might be 30-something. Phew. That was close. Cosmo almost showed a woman past college age in their magazine.
• Cosmo also makes this broad generalization: "Women are becoming entrenched in their careers right after college" instead of getting married. Except for the dozens of women I graduated with who are now married. They're just exceptions. And all of your female friends, too. Other than that, so true!
  
• How exactly does Cosmo get so many men to contribute their "Guy Confessions"? Do the girlfriends force them to do it?
• Cosmo editor Guy Henderson in "The Guy Truth": "Q: I found some e-mails my boyfriend wrote to girls who posted ads on Craigslist wanting to hook up. He said he was just playing. Why did he really do it? A: Because he wants to have sex with other women"... And please schedule a visit with your gyno, as you've probably got Craigslist Chlamydia by now.
  
• Get More Looks for Less: Budget-conscious outfits. Just so you know, Cosmo considers it budget-conscious to buy a $110 belt. We'll get out of this recession, America, one Cosmo-backed budget belt at a time.
• I don't care what they say, swimsuit tube tops like the one Katherine Heigl is wearing are not flattering. The cut makes it look like you've got granny boobs. Talk about Grey's Anatomy.*
  
• "What Guys Know About Sex That You Don't" offers such (somewhat sage) advice as "You're always doable," "Your crotch is awesome" and "Practice makes perfect." But, if you look closer, you realize Cosmo is telling women they should just fantasize about sex and masturbate all the time. Which is fine, if the woman is channeling her inner 14-year-old boy. But in reality, it might just be best to not overthink things and believe him when he says you're sexy. That goes a lot farther than double-clicking your mouse five times a day.
• "Wedding Day Freak-Outs: How to distinguish between normal nervousness and serious cold feet." Example: You feel like you're on pins and needles versus You have a lingering sense of foreboding. Or: You have trouble deciding which dress to pick versus You're worried about the fact you're a dirty whore.
• Advertisement for Yaz birth control. Me, to Capricorn: "Why do women always look so happy in birth control ads?" Capricorn: "Because they're not pregnant."
• There is a multi-page spread on "Make Waves: Glam up chic swimsuits with sophisticated accessories." This is a clear case of women dressing for other women. Ladies, if you are wearing a teenie bikini and are relatively in shape, guys are going to think you look hot. We could care less about bangles, purses or necklaces to help you "rule the sand." We just think, "Hey, her butt looks nice." Also, a smile goes a long way.
• "Guy Truths They'd Tell If They Had the Guts": "Your dad's not as nice to us as you think he is," "Anything bedazzled is bad news,"... and "You spent HOW MUCH on a belt?"
• Repel a Peeping Tom: Plant something thorny, like a small cactus or rosebush, in front of your windows to keep Peeping Toms... at a distance. Yes, because a Peeping Tom would think, "Man, I'd watch this girl getting naked by using my binoculars and my telephoto lens, but there's a damn cactus by her window. I guess I'll just go home and watch porn instead."
• "50 Things to Do Naked." Among the asinine suggestions: "Take a strip class. Look on Craigslist... and find a private instructor." Because there are so many legitimate strip class instructors on Craiglist... you might want to plant several cacti by your door before the "instructor" arrives.
• Cosmo Gyno: "Why do my roommates and I get our periods together" It's God's way of punishing your boyfriends.

* Hey-yooo!

Check out the new links (and the new graphic!) at the top of the main page, including a link for all my past Cosmo/Maxim recaps. See, I was productive this weekend.