Monday, September 28, 2009

To discuss a Maxim review: October 2009

It's been a few months since the last Maxim or Cosmo review, after taking time off to focus on We Are Cosmo. But, once I got the October edition of Maxim in the mail, I knew it was time to revive what is one of the guilty pleasures for Wild ARS Chase readers. Why? Look who's on the cover. It's a gold mine.

So here's the October 2009 review. As always, there's links to some of the sexytime photos so I could make this post relatively safe for work, and, again, go to confession or whatever you usually do after reading naughty goodness:
  • Audrine Partridge is not not attractive, in the best use of a double-negative possible. She is in shape. She has long, wavy hair. She's got nice skin. And her boobs could milk multiple babies at once, a veritable boob trough. But... but... there's just something about her that makes me not want to fantasize about her. Ever. It might be the dead look in her eyes. It steals souls.
  • Audrina is doing whatever it takes to convince me she is sexy. On the Contents page, she's wearing shear panties with a sports car behind her and a hose spouting water between her V-shaped legs. Funny- I figured she'd melt in water.
  • Potentially awesome site: Koogle.co.Il It's a search site designed for Orthodox Jews so they can't "accidentally" stumble upon photos of immodestly-dressed women. Just like I used to "accidentally" stumble upon those same photos as a 13-year-old boy. I stand by my story, mom. Celebrity who by default will have no photos available through Koogle: Megan Fox. (note: I had trouble getting the site to work. Perhaps because I'm Presbyterian)
  • Celebrity women must be terrified to go on the beach. Every inch of them is analyzed for perfection. For example: Maxim's Celebrity Beach Watch: 15 Hottest Bods, which is just a haphazard, random assortment of 15 women who happened to not have PMS bloating and did a few extra crunches the day paparazzi caught them seaside. I'm guessing the girls have nervous breakdowns just thinking about the ocean. Unless you're Jennifer Love Hewitt, and then you just say, screw what you think, I was in "Can't Hardly Wait."
  • Women behinds bars: Maxim has a monthly feature with a bartender babe dispensing advice. Except the advice is almost always: "Just be confident and nice, and don't use dumb pick-up lines." That'd be great, if not for the fact women go home with the douche toolbag who compared her pants to a mirror.
  • A great line by "Jennifer's Body" director Karyn Kusama, on watching her Megan-Fox led movie: "I hope it's a little bit more of a complicated experience than just giving guys boners." From what I've heard about the movie... well, at least it's got Megan Fox.
  • Maxim recommends some new TV shows debuting this fall: Among them: Glee. I'm sure a lot of Maxim readers are into a show about glee club. Now, I watch the show, but I also read Cosmo. Side note: Glee is overrated, unrealistic and lacks focus.
  • Unexpected awesome photo: "So You Think You Can Dance" host Cat Deeley in a leather one-piece. Unexpected non-awesome related Google search: Maxim evidently ripped off the photo from a cover shoot last year for the international magazine, Arena. Maxim used the same, year-old photo, but flipped it around.
  • Sex section: 'Today's Special: Your Waitress': Tips on how to sleep with a waitress. Advice includes things like don't excessively compliment or give huge tips. I'd try telling them to wear more flair, or not mentioning how you like the word "manure."
  • Cover girl Audrina Patridge, "star" of slasher flick "Sorority Row": First thing- Audrina's boobs don't move. They have the same shape whether she's upright or bent over. Second thing: Her boobs are still more lifelike than Heidi's, which is like saying a zombie is more alive than a vampire. Third thing- She's got the same expression in every photo, an expression of "come hither/look I'm being sexy/is this going to be in a magazine like you promised, sir, because last time wasn't cool."
  • Audrina, on her upcoming reality show, "The Audrina Show": "It's, like, real." Not sure what's left to be said.
  • "The 13 Most Unintentionally Scary Movies Scenes of All Time." Entries include the baby coming out of Katie Heigl's vagina in "Knocked Up" and Kathy Bates' nude scene in "About Schmidt." Omitted: Seth Rogen's character having sex in Knocked Up.
  • "Vampire Diaries" star Kayla Ewell is in six-inch heels, bejeweled panties, no bra and chewing on a piece of hay: Who hasn't been in that situation before? Maxim upholds its journalistic integrity once again.
  • "Liquid Trust" ad for a scientifically-formulated (in some dude's basement) trust potion: Great, all we need are a bunch of lonely lunatics thinking they can convince a girl to trust them. "Get in my windowless van, it'll be safe in there, trust me. Oh, and drink this real quick."


Kellie said...

We have a windowless van. We use it to drink in the back w/o having any po-po's seeing us. Not quite harmless, but definitely better than molesting people. :)

Soda and Candy said...


That hose photo looks like she has boy bits and is taking a wizz. Sexy? You be the judge.

Excellent review!

Tiffy said...

Oh yes, Liquid Truth is all we need these days.. I have a hard enough time reading guys. God only knows what would happen to me..

Great review. :)

Amy xxoo said...

I've never seen " The Hills " so i only have a slight awareness of who Audrina Patridge is - thank. God.

And also, dont be suprised about the Cat Deeley photo - magazines pull that kind of trick all the time. One Australia womens magazine was caught this week using a photo of Christy Turlington, in an article about aging gracefully ..... that was 10 YEARS OLD. So they used a shot of a supermodel to demonstrate how to age naturally and with grace, only the photo was from a shoot she had done 10 years before hand....

P said...

dead eyes! yes, thats it. its like she never looks a person full in the eye either, its way creepy...

Andy - Instafather said...

Kellie- Suuurree it's just for drinking.
Soda- It does kinda look like that, doesn't it?
Tiff- I wonder if there's a Liquid Liar? Liquid Truth, as far as I can tell, is tequila.
Amy- I'm being misled. I feel so... used.
P- Her eyes are just too creepy. No way around it.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad to finally hear a negative Glee comment. All I keep reading is how great it is, and I've yet to watch. But I also don't want to watch. It looks stupid. Thanks for keeping me on the out here.

And Audrina *can* be pretty and great looking at times. But overall, she's kinda meh. ::Shrugs::

Sam_I_am said...

apparently I wouldn't have to worry about reading anything dirty on Koogle, because I can't read Hebrew. That might have to do with the fact that I am also, Presbyterian.

Jenners said...

Audrina Patridge (who we always refer to when getting somewhat good parking at a store as in "Look...we're 5 spots from the door. Audrina Patridge parking!") has weird eyes. They bother me. They seem like they go slightly different directions.

And I didn't realize her boobs were so large and so unmovable. Thanks!

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