To discuss a Cosmo review: August 2009

Capricorn* and I have discussed an inherent flaw in men's and women's magazines. Men's magazines, such as GQ and Maxim, tell you how to get the girl through fancy possessions and pick-up lines. Women's magazines tell you how to make him stay through "mind-blowing" sex and reverse psychology craziness. Why isn't there a men's magazine that tells you how to keep a woman around through "100 ways to please your woman" and "Here's what she means when she says this," and a women's magazine that helps a girl "not get crazy jealous of all the guy's female friends" and "how to stop fooling yourself into thinking you can turn a bad boy into marriage material"?

On to the Cosmo August 2009 review (a lengthy one to make up for the lack of a July review). As always, don't pass Go or collect $200 if you think Cosmo is the devil's literature.

• He totally blew it when: Stories of guys blowing their chance. Example: "I was hanging out at this guy's apartment...He proudly showed me the condom collection he had hidden in his closet." Could have been worse: "I was hanging out at this guy's apartment... He proudly showed me his shrunken head collection he had hidden in his freezer."
• Target has a perverted ad, listing 10 "Things that Sound Naughty, But Aren't." Examples: Purina Moist & Meaty, Scotch Packing Noodles, Caress Body Wash.... Just in case you missed it: Freakin' Target has a perverted ad!
• Cosmo Hot Sheet: Trends on the Rise Right Now: 1) Studly Stubble. "Women find stubble more attractive than any other kind of facial hair." Sweet! I've been going stubbley since the day after Sound of Music. I mean, my 'stache was pimp and all, but...
• Cosmo cover girl, Katy Perry: Did you know her real name is Katheryn Hudson, but she didn't want to be confused with Kate Hudson? My real name is Andy Samberg, but I didn't want to be confused with the Junk in a Box guy
  
• Katy says she decided to break away from the church (her parents are pastors) when she decided she wanted sex before marriage. The church decided to break up with Katy when they realized she kissed a girl and liked it.
• Katy's cat's name is Kitty Purry. I assume she's referring to an actual feline.
• Aubrey O'Day must be in the Cosmo Hall of Fame for her litany of appearances on Sexy vs. Skanky, this time for sucking face with Kathy Griffin.
• An ad for "The Ugly Truth," with Katherine Heigl. Is the ugly truth the fact the movie is so formulated I don't need to see it to know how it turns out?
• Cosmo Confessions: One girl was on a bus ride in Mexico, when the driver pulled over, concerned about a loud buzzing noise. He evacuated the bus, and eventually decided the noise was coming from the girl'sbagohwhatasurprise it's a hot pink vibrator. What is a surprise is that a vibrator sounds SO LOUD you can hear it on a shoddy Mexican tourist bus. Is her vibrator a jack hammer?
• "What His #1 Sex Style Reveals" Options include intensely sexy, sweet and slow, playfully unpredictable and fast & furious. Not included: intensely stalkerish, sweet and slowly choking you to death, playfully imagining kiddies and fast & furious as the cocaine allows.
• "Cosmo for Your Guy"... is full of ways to trick your girlfriend into having sex the way you want. Which, in the next issue, will become an article about why women need to take control in bed. Which,in the subsequent issue, will become an article about why men need to pick up on subtle hints in the sack. Nowhere to be found: Hey, just enjoy the fact you're having sex in a relationship without analyzing it like a football game.
• Mark-Paul Gosselaar (Zack Morris) offers "10 Things Guys Wish You Knew," such as "Quiet confidence is incredibly sexy." Surprisingly, one of the options is not, "Don't kiss your on-stage romantic lead in a Shakespeare play because Kelly and A.C. will totally find out!" Sidenote: Watching Gosselaar's "Raising the Bar" on TNT. Thank me later.
• What is up with these damn "boyfriend jeans"? They aren't actually your boyfriend's- you bought them at the GAP, and you were single. You just want a reason to wear loose, comfortable jeans, an understandable thing. But let's be clear- you're wearing man jeans. You don't see GQ recommending "girlfriend jeans."
• Why do women always look so happy shaving in the ads? I only hear about them complaining.
• Dear Cosmo: Please stop insinuating men are lustful, porn-obsessed pervs. Because the two photos in your "Cosmo Sex Poll: 6,000 Horny Guys Tell All!" are basically porn. Unless Christianity is completely wrong and it's totally cool looking at a girl take it from behind in the shower.
• Sample results from the poll, done with askmen.com: "The hottest thing a woman can say when she sees you naked is, "I want you inside me," at 56 percent. Hmm. I figured it's "Ooh, look how cute that is. I just want to pinch it!"
• Another: "When we're done with sex, I would love if she..." Number one answer by guys is "Cuddled up with me in bed." Fifth-place: "Rolled over and left me alone." Ladies just can't get enough of those hit it and quit it types.
• Oh crap. Well, the AskMen survey just killed my point above about Cosmo making us into pervs. "What can she do to ensure that she's on your mind all day." Send you a romantic card? No. Make you cookies? Nope. Popular answers: Dirty texts, naughty pictures, phone sex, sticking thong in coat pocket.
• One of Cosmo's suggestions on how to get your man to change an annoying habit is to have your friends tease him. That's just kick-me-in-the-crotch fantastic advice, and I'm sure it won't blow up in your face.
• "Turn Him Into the Orgasm Whisperer" by using lube. Four out of five gay guys can't be wrong!
• Terrible advice of the month: A girl in a college engineering program only has male students to hang out with, and thinks they might be a cockblock. Cosmo advices her to use the nerds to help her meet a hot guy at the bar, saying she should offer "whoever helps you meet a cute dude gets a free drink." At least Cosmo isn't shallow and didn't completely overlook the fact one of those nerdy engineers might think she's hot and would lose all self-esteem if she said that... not Cosmo. Not the Cosmo I know.-

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* Capricorn is my girlfriend, for new readers. Check here to find out why.