To discuss gymnastics, my junk and my new girlfriend

To get you over the hump today, it's another post (I expect to be compensated, both comment wise and with your first born). I decided you might want to hear what goes through my head when I watch a bunch of teenage girls compete for Olympic glory in gymnastics, as was broadcast Tuesday night. There will be more Olympic thoughts later this week, but this should whet your Beijing appetite:

:01 Call the Embassy! China has 9-year-olds competing. No, seriously. Not one of their girls looks old enough. Even child lover R. Kelly said, “Yo, I ain’t touching dat.”… They also have more eye shadow on than the whores in Miss Saigon’s opening number, and those are musical theater whores.*

....(added 5:30 p.m.) This backs me up, from USAToday: "The Chinese look tiny and young — no one except Cheng Fei is even 5-0, and their average weight is 77 pounds. Liukin, Chellsie Memmel, Peszek and Sacramone are 5-0 or taller; the average weight for the U.S. is 106.5.
There are doubts on whether three Chinese women — He, Yang and Jiang Yuyuan — meet the minimum age requirement of 16."
So, there!

:04 The announcers openly question the age of 16-year-old China gymnast Deng Linlin, who sticks her vault landing. I feel moderately better about my previous comment.

:08 There’s a commercial for a movie about Chihuahuas. Sweet day in the morning- Who green lighted that? I own a Chihuahua, and I could care less. All my dog does is poop, hump and sleep… The girl from Coyote Ugly is in this movie. I had such high hopes for her after she starred alongside John Goodman and wrote a song for LeAnn Rimes. How the mighty have fallen.

:11 So, um, am I allowed to think U.S. gymnast Alicia Sacramone is hot? No? Well, she’s 20, so screw you.

:20 All the U.S. girls do well on the vault. I used to be in gymnastics- for several years, actually. The vault never was appealing for me, probably because running toward a springboard and contorting myself in midair sounded more like an aeronautical death sentence than a sport. I’m no Kerri Strug.

:28 Ok, I’ve got to say it. I do not remember women’s gymnastic outfits in the past looking like dominatrix attire. Those have to be the tightest outfits ever created, and they are on the bodies of girls not old enough to know the precious remorse of a one-night stand. Were the Shannon Miller-era leotards too loose? Is the idea to keep them fresh and preserved, trapping air out, so that they don’t age as quickly as us mortals? Every few minutes, some camera guy has a close-up of a butt. But it’s not enjoyable butt. It’s 15-year-old butt. And, well, that’s wrong.

:35 Nastia Liukin does an amazing uneven bars routine that gets a 16.9, an incredible score. On a related note, one of the few clear, distinct memories I have of gymnastics is when all the kids in my group were trying out the uneven bars. I was about 9 or 10, I’d say. When I got up there and started moving around, I got stuck with one leg on each side of a bar. I couldn’t move. My mom, who was nearby for some reason, asked the coach what happened. The coach calmly explained that he thought I got stuck on my junk. Junk stuck on the bar, kids. For the U.S. team’s sake, I’m glad Nastia didn’t get her junk stuck on the bar.

:39 Former U.S. coach and Mark Twain mustache enthusiast Bela Karolyi goes on a heavily-accented diatribe about Liukin’s performance, his love of Russian winters or his desire to scrub himself with cream cheese (just a guess).

:40 Holy crap! They’re showing Bela watching Liukin’s performance, except they’re using a green screen so he is superimposed in front of the replay. He looks like a contestant on Whose Line Is It Anyway trying to guess what’s going on behind him. The audience at home doesn’t realize Karolyi thinks he’s watching a cage match involving goats and gerbils.

:46 A brief swimming interruption, which includes a quote that will make 12-year-old boys everywhere giggle like, uh, 12-year-old girls: “Coventry is the best breast-stroker of the bunch.”

:55 After the Chinese girls make the uneven bars their daddy, more swimming. The US men’s relay team wins by about 10 miles, as the announcers are audibly aroused and say Michael Phelps’ name with hints of desire and longing. And I understand why. Michael Phelps is just like us. He puts his speedos on each day, one leg at a time. The only difference is, he breaks world records. And wants more cow bell.

1:00 Who came up with the balance beam? The entire goal is to not fall on your face. And keeping your balance by waving your arms is a deduction.

1:08 Alicia is now my girlfriend.

1:20 Shawn Johnson nails her balance beam routine. The U.S. is behind by 1 point right now. I quietly and respectfully pee my pants in anticipation.

1:31 Alicia misses a landing on the floor routine, after already falling off the beam, and that likely eliminates America’s chance for a gold. She looks close to tears, as her coach basically ignores her when she walks off. As Alicia’s man, I defend her honor and pepper the coach with profanities and disdain.

1:39 China only needs to average about a 14.5 on the floor exercise to win. I think I could get that score.

1:45 China gets the gold, making it two for two in team gymnastics. For those of you keeping score, that means China is now better than America in both gymnastics and manufacturing electronics.

1:48 Back to Michael Phelps coverage. NBC execs have a collective wet dream.

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* Yes, I just compared innocent teenage girls to prostitutes. God will get his revenge one day when my teenage daughter rebels against me by sleeping with the football team. During halftime. On the field. With the marching band playing “Wild Thing.”