To discuss fantasy reality: Better than fantasy football, more fun than real life

Here at Wild ARS Chase, Wild ARS likes to keep things interesting. I also evidently like to talk in the third person. Who says "Here at Wild ARS Chase..." ?!? Geez, Andy, pull it together.

So you may have heard about the big television event over the weekend. No, not the MTV VMA's. I haven't even watched my Tivo'd taping of that yet. It's getting harder to watch it because I know fewer and fewer artists, and I get tired of watching Kanye get attention for anything. If any of you recapped it or want to recap it, let me know and you can guest post it.

The big event I'm talking about was the opening of the NFL season for most of the teams. Sorry, Australia, I know our American football is for pansies, but we still like it. And with the opening of the season comes fantasy football, which I've written about before. I'm in two leagues- one with college friends, another led by a former co-worker who is now an ESPN columnist. I'd tell you more about my teams, but guys talking about their fantasy teams is the ultimate anti-aphrodisiac. I'm getting flaccid just thinking about it.*

* Flaccid is such a funny word.

Most of my readers, I'm guessing, could care less about fantasy football. But what if I were to suggest a new version of the game called Wild ARS's Fantasy Reality? Anyone can play as long as you are living. Want to play? It's simple.

You don't need a draft. You're the only person on the team. "Crap!," you think. "I'm terrible at reality! Can't I sign a free agent?" No, unfortunately, you can't, as what you are requesting is cloning and that's not legal in most countries. You can, however, hire a life coach. Good coaching is the key to any fantasy victory.

Now on to the points. In fantasy football, team owners get various points based on how players on their teams perform. If Adrian Peterson of the Vikings gets 100 rushing yards and a touchdown, I get 16 points, for example, while Adrian Peterson most likely gets laid when he gets home.

But in Wild ARS Fantasy Reality, you can't get points for rushing yards, because at no point in your day will you find yourself on a grass field with sequential numbers and evenly spaced dividing lines. And the only touchdowns you score are in the bedroom (we'll get to that later).

So how do I score points, Andy?

(Double click on photo to enlarge)

Let me know if you've scored any points this week. And if there are any points categories you feel need to be added, by all means, let me know. I wouldn't want you to miss the opportunity to score points in Fantasy Reality, the game where life is better because there's a quantifiable goal (patent pending).

To discuss things I learned about the NFL

Sunday marked the first full day of NFL games this season. Like all holidays, I think it's important we revel in it and think of the lessons we learned:

We learned:

• Being in a fantasy league increases your interest in football a phenomenal amount. Now, beyond my hometown Steelers, I have a reason to be interested in a Broncos-Bengals game that even their mothers turned off to watch Sex and the City reruns. If I developed a fantasy church league, I bet I could increase membership tenfold. "I've got the pastor at the Presbyterian church on my team- I need to see how he's preaching today."
  
• No one cares about your fantasy team other than you, no matter how many times you tell your girlfriend you've got Drew Brees as your quarterback and he threw for six touchdowns today and you'd like to name your firstborn Brees if it's alright with her, unless Drew gets hurt next week, and then we'll just name the kid Spartacus as planned.
  
• Brett Favre is a douche bag, no matter the team he plays for. He may "play the game with the passion of a kid," as announcers say, but he still "is a waffling, backstabbing, tool."
• Fox Sports appreciates cheerleader close-up cams more than CBS.
• The only thing more juiced than players on Sundays are the cheerleaders. I'd like to see before and after photos of "pre-NFL cheerleader" to "current NFL cheerleader." I imagine it's like "She's All That," except there's no Freddie Prinze Jr., and Rachel Leigh Cook gets lipo'd and injected within an inch of her life. And she wears whore red lipstick.
  
• The Ravens, Saints, Vikings and Eagles are really good.
• The Lions might not win before the second coming of Christ.
• Donovan McNabb, my fantasy quarterback in my other league, had a great day: two passing touchdowns, one rushing touchdown, and one fractured rib. My league does not award bone fracture points, sadly, so Donovan's extra effort goes unrewarded. Keep your chin up, Donovan.
  
• Sideline reporters are the Paula Abdul of NFL broadcasts.
• There are few things in life more annoying than NFL analysts using "football" as an adjective for football terms. "When we're talking about football players in the National Football League competing on the football field, Brett Favre shows time and again he can make the best football plays throwing the football to his receivers so they can make football plays."
• Judging by the number of pointed fingers to the sky after touchdowns, God answered more prayer requests for players to score than he's ever answered prayer requests to heal the sick. So, next time you're sick, trick God by saying, "Hey, God, I'm really hoping you can help me score some white blood cells so I can lead my body to healthy victory." God's a sucker for sports.
• God hates Brett Favre.
• The NFL is as popular as ever, which cynics will point to as a sign of misplaced values- more people can tell you who won the past five Super Bowls than can tell you who were the past five vice presidents. Don't worry, though. Nobody likes the losers who can name vice presidents.
• Fantasy football has you do strange things, like root for and against somebody at the same time: I needed the Colts defense to do well, but the Jaguars kicker to score lots of points against them. Must be how Tyra Banks feels about the Top Model contestants.
  

To discuss a Month in Review: Mr. October

If anything, each passing month seems to be more interesting than the last, which I take to be a good thing. It's been three months since I started this blog. In the past month, I've reached my 100 post mark, been to the top of the Gateway Arch in St. Louis, and paid people to make me feel nauseated. I even debuted a video, with another on the way.
On to the good stuff:

• Favorite movie: "Home Alone" Technically, I did not see this movie in October, but Capricorn (the girlfriend) bought it and we intend to watch it soon. There are so many things to like about this movie: The soundtrack, the pranks, Macaulay Culkin before he got full of himself in "Home Alone 2," lax airport security before 9/11, pumping someone's guts full of lead...Runner-up: "No Country for Old Men."(I haven't actually watched it, but I have the Blockbuster by Mail package on top of my DVD player, so I feel I've viewed its awesomeness by osmosis.)
  
• Least favorite movie: "Quarantine." Duh. I do expect anyone who has since seen this movie to leave a comment with their thoughts. I appreciate all of you who listened to my words of warning. Runner-up: Some random movie on AMC made in the 1970s about a haunted painting.
  
• Favorite song: "Use Somebody" Kings of Leon. This band has quickly become one of my favorite bands of late. I put this song on Capricorn's mix CD, in part because I thought "Sex on Fire" might be a bit too strong of a message. Runner up: "Always Where I Need to Be," The Kooks.
  
• Least favorite song: "Miss Independent" Ne-yo. Did nobody let him know that Kelly Clarkson already dibbed this?...Runner-up "T-Shirt," Shontelle (Did nobody let her know that Jessica Simpson already dibbed this?).
  
• Favorite album: "Amnesiac" Radiohead. But Andy, hasn't this album been out for almost a decade? Why, yes, Voice in My Head, it has, but this is my post so deal with it... This was the album that got me hooked on Radiohead, which makes no sense because it's one of their least popular and well-known albums. When people think of Radiohead, they think of "Creep" from Pablo Honey, or "Karma Police" from OK Computer. A song from Amnesiac is like the redheaded stepchild that's awkward and misunderstood, but you realize has a lot of potential- Tampanga on early episodes of "Boy Meets World," if you will... I could listen to "I Might Be Wrong" or "Dollars & Cents" a thousand times, even though Thom Yorke's pronunciation skills are somewhere between Eliza Doolittle with a mouth full of marbles and Stephen Hawking. You know an album is weird when your girlfriend wakes up in the middle of a song and asks why people are banging broomsticks. Runner-up: "Causing a Catastrophe-Live," Flickerstick. (No least favorite album... but feel free to suggest one).
  
• Best TV Show: "Raising the Bar" This TNT show isn't the best TV show I watched, technically. But I can't stop watching it, in part because there are Saved by the Bell connections, in part because one of the attorneys, Bobbi, needs to be the mother of my child based on her predilection to being hot all the time, and in part because it's the first legal show I've seen that focuses on the public defender's office. Runner up: "30 Rock" and "America's Next Top Model."
  
• Worst TV show: NFL broadcasts. I love watching football, but I can't stand the announcers and the pre-game guys. They always have to say "National Football League" instead of using the acronym; they can't just say "field," it's the "football field"; and they have trouble forming sentences that aren't directly based off of what the previous guy said. If they were talking about the election, it'd go like this: First dude: "When you're talking about winning the election to become president of the United States of America, you need to make sure you're driving home the votes in the final hours with the citizens of the United States of America." Second dude: "You're absolutely right. Being the president of the United States of America is all about dedication, and no one shows dedication with Americans more than someone who is running for the presidency in the United States of America."
  
• Best moment: Fall Fest 2008 and my trip to St. Louis.
  
• Worst moment: It was a good month, I have to say. But I do wish that I wasn't so quickly forgotten at my alma mater.
  
• Best decision: Applying to go to the St. Louis seminar for reporters, which reminded me of why I like my career.
  
• Worst decision: Starting the Jaguars' Fred Taylor over the Panthers' DeAngelo Williams last week in my fantasy football game, as Taylor laid an egg and Williams scored a bunch of points. It cost me a victory- my first one this season. If you are a girl and could care less about those two guys, continue reading and pretend this paragraph never happened. If you are a dude or a girl who likes sports and is awesome, feel my pain.
• Favorite Blog Entry by Me: I had two fun co-blogs in October, one with Miss Tiff and one with Amy XXOO. Runner up: To Discuss Making Capricon Uber-legal to Date.
  
• Favorite Blog Entry by Someone Else: Sam I Am had one of the funniest posts I've read in a long time, recalling jr. high school life in abridged form. A sample: "Bell: Gym class...football!...Me: I'll be center *slam* (smashes into one girl) *boom* (knocks another one over) *whap (Bulldozers another)...Random girl: two people cover Sam...Me to teammate: We're undefeated."... Runner-up: "Scary Experience" by Sheila (it'll freak you out) and "Not For the Weak Stomachs in the Audience" by Muffy Willowbrook (hysterical and off-putting).
  
  Quick blog thought: If you regularly read this blog and you noticed that I've never checked your blog out, please let me know. I do try to visit everyone who visits me, in particular those who leave a comment. If you don't say anything, I'll assume you're just an Internet stalker, which is fine with me. If you've never left a comment on here before, now's a great time to start. It'll be therapeutic. You can even make fun of me, like we're back in middle school and I'm noticeably scrawnier with an affinity for pop rock like Duncan Sheik.

To discuss males fantasizing about Tom Brady's passing stats

Fantasy Football.
It’s a funny-sounding phrase, isn’t it? As if visions of Tom Brady floating on marshmallow clouds flutter around in the minds of grown men. Well, actually, that part’s true. Except Ladainian Tomlinson is up there, too. Wearing rainbow-colored suspenders. Oh, LT. I love you and your guaranteed 15 touchdowns.
Ladies, I wish there’s a simply explanation why your man spends more time looking up Peyton Manning’s touchdown-to-interception ratio than he does looking down your shirt.
There are some guys I know who would outright turn down a night with their girlfriend so they can watch 10 NFL games at once and calculate live stats. In the words of Jay from 40 Year-Old Virgin, that’s putting the football on the pedestal.
But, here’s the thing.
Fantasy football is fun.
I mean, real (fake) fun.
I spent 3-plus hours on Saturday drafting my fantasy team online. Three. I didn't move from my chair for three hours so I could look up stats, scout players and analyze draft picks in the hope that I might win a league that doesn't matter to anyone but the 12 guys participating. If it would have been possible, I would have worn an adult diaper so as to avoid any need to leave my computer. The fantasy football draft is basically a late summer Christmas, without all of the unnecessary gift-giving and holiday cheer. It's nothing but gift-receiving, and those gifts are wide receivers, quarterbacks and tight ends.
Man, it was sweet.
I’m probably a mid-level fantasy footballer. I’ve played for a few years in a competitive league where you gotta put down money and there’s a pot (money, not weed) for the winner. I check my team’s performance regularly, I keep an eye on all the games, although not at the sake of other facets of life. Once in a while, I catch myself saying absurd things like, “Ben Roethlisberger really needs to play well for me today. I need him to throw two touchdowns.” As if I own him.
Oh, that’s right.
Cause I do! On a fantasy team, for those who don’t know, you “draft” NFL players to fill out a roster. You get points based on how those players perform. So when your boyfriend (or girlfriend- I know some women who play and do really well) has a team, they’re checking all Sunday to see how “his” players did.
I like it because instead of just rooting for one team (like, say, the Steelers and their awesomeness), I can have interest in all the games. It's the only reason I'd ever watch the Arizona Cardinals or Atlanta Falcons. Actually, I'm not sure that even people living in Arizona or Atlanta watch those teams.
Fantasy football also gives us a sense of connection with other dudes, because we can talk about how our teams are doing, what trades we’re making, what place we’re in, all while scratching ourselves and growing chest hair (I’ve got three so far!*).
I know that for most of you ladies this all seems a bit childish and makes little sense. I mean, it’s fantasy, right? Not something that actually matters.
Well it does, and here’s why. The guys who play fantasy football don’t play in the NFL. We’re not real athletes. We’re never going to get on TV for making the winning touchdown pass or get caught organizing an illegal dog fighting ring.** The closest we can get to gridiron glory is online.
I’m not denying we're all a bunch of nerds. We definitely are. Just understand that if we could trade in a fantasy championship for a Super Bowl championship, we would in a second. Then you could find a new thing to get mad at us for... like looking down your shirt.
* Chest hairs, not testicles.
** Ok, that was just the Falcon's Mike Vick. When I read what he did to those dogs, I had to google "rape stand." Look it up. It'll make you sick. It's basically a way to keep the female dog in place while she gets raped by a male dog. Not cool, Mike Vick. Not cool.