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Monday, August 11, 2008

To discuss the Seven Steps of Holding Hands

The information I'm about to give you may be life-altering. Other possible side effects include getting slapped in the face, embarrassment, blood clotting, diarrhea, itchy eyes and death.

I'm not sure how this legend came to be, because it never started that way. Basically, for years (up to and including now) I was awkward around girls. On my first official date, I tried to put my arm around the girl and smacked her nose with my watch. When I was in middle and high school, despite desperately wanting to get some kind of romantic connection to girls out of my league, I didn't have the guts (or Axe shower gel) to just come out and make a bold move.
So I developed what was at the time a seemingly innocuous series of moves that would get me in the front door of girl mansion. Holding hands- the gateway drug of physical contact.
It's been used in some capacity with women I know, women I barely know and women I just met, with stunningly good results*. There are variations of it, such as if you're in a car, at the movies or walking.
In college, I made the mistake of telling a group of friends that I had used this a few times during freshmen year. From there, the tale grew so that people I didn't even know were asking me about it.
The topic came up again this past weekend. I really don't have much opportunity to use it anymore, mostly because adult women seem to want a complete package of charm, wit and good looks. They're impressed with foreign accents, not hand holding. Si.
But I know it can still work for you, fellas. And if you're a girl, well, don't let yourself become an unsuspecting victim.
The technique is the Seven Steps of Holding a Girl's Hand (Pause a moment. The heavenly host of angels take a second to quiet down).
Imagine a young guy standing next to a girl he's attracted to, as he nervously glances at her. He's talked to her some, but wants to test the waters to see if he's going to get the romantic green light. He should start with the...
  1. Body bump. With catlike ability, find an opportunity to make some kind of gentle physical contact with her while you're talking. Keep eye contact going and show no fear throughout- that's key. Women smell fear. And lying. They smell that, too.** The body bump could just be a foot brush, or maybe you stand side-by-side and you lean in once. If she recoils quickly or looks otherwise disgusted at the thought you've touched her, stop. If not, proceed to...
  2. Arm bump. Time to get serious, because you're going to make contact with your arm as you continue with witty banter (Good God, man, you are keeping her interested with witty banter, sparkling conversation and casual name-dropping, aren't you?) If you can easily brush your arm with hers and she doesn't look nauseous, proceed to...
  3. Arm bump hold. Another arm bump, but hold it a few seconds. This is where the men separate from the boys. If she's not feeling you, she won't let this happen. Remember not to stare at your arm when you do this, because she'll think you're checking her for ticks.*** If her eyes are still twinkling, proceed to...
  4. Hand bump. Veterans might be able to jump to this step quickly, but it's not recommended for the faint of heart or if you don't even know the girl's name yet. Girls will notice if you touch their hands, even if it's lightly. God created them with sensors that detect things men can't detect, such as hearing a child's cry, the blooming of a flower, or the artistic quality of the Jonas Brothers****. So tread carefully, but find a good opportunity to bump her hand with yours before proceeding to...
  5. Hand bump hold. Don't get cocky here. You'll need a few seconds of solid contact with hers, perhaps while you compliment her (genuinely!) on her new hair cut, music tastes or decision to wear a dress so low-cut that the first word you think of is "suckle." But you're not home free, yet... Proceed to...
  6. Pinkie bump. I'm a purist. I go with a pinkie bump, because the pinkie is neglected, and it takes more skill to casually bump your pinkie with her hand and make it look manly. Now that you're using phalanges (Bam! First phalanges reference in blog history), focus, because you're about to seal the deal. Proceed with much delight and mild arousal to...
  7. Full hand holding. Either go straight from 6 to 7, or take a quick break, then go in for the real thing. Savor the smooth texture of her hands. Smile for a moment, suggesting in that fleeting second that you would like to take her out and make her feel like a natural woman, perhaps with those same phalanges. Congratulations. You're a hand pimp.
Now there are reasons to just go and grab her hand off the start- if it's already obvious you are both interested, if she's over the age of 21, if she's not awake. But what's beautiful about all of this is that there are checks and balances. Rejection is minimal.
Prepare to be amazed. Bust out your Hootie and the Blowfish album (you know which track).

* Results not guaranteed. It worked for me only because of sheer volume and a lack of male options for the women involved, and because I have freakishly long fingers conducive for black ops hand-holding.
**Don't lie to a woman. Ever. Unless it's your mom. Then, the answer is "No, I didn't get the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue this year. The mailman must not have delivered it, and I'm glad."
***You're not Brad Paisley. Do not make tick references to a woman.
**** They are dreamy, though.

10 comments:

Watercolorlilly28 said...

I *heart* this!!!!

The Logarithmic Spiral said...

I still swear that you pulled the old pinky bump on me freshmen year chillin in your dorm room, listening to Radiohead and writing poetry. You sly devil you ;)

PS, sorry for cutting you off so quickly last night...I was about to reign supreme as La Presidenta in a most legendary game of Capitalism (the Christian version of ass hole...class people...nothing but class)

tiff said...

Wow.. Just the right amount of sweet and creepy. You've mastered it man!!! :-P I have a feeling I'd blush and giggle if this ever happened to me....as long as he didn't have a popped collar.

Sophia said...

hahaha this is hilarious! do you know if it works going from girl to guy? I can't see why not...

hautepocket said...

"Results not guaranteed." Haha, good stuff. I'll be back again!

Finger Talks said...

congrats on breaking the word phalange into the blogoshere and the awesomeocity (now a word) of this technique, you had me giggling like i was back in highschool just reading it!

Andy said...

Nice- only one accusation by a girl so far... Much less than expected. In future days, I'll have to give some real-life examples of me using this bad boy.

Watercolor- I heart you too. And lung you- and that's just as important.
Logarithmic- You may be correct. My memory has faded on all things college-related, so I guess we'll just never know. Such a shame. I do appreciate you playing a Christian card game that pretends not to be dirty. Oh, Christians. We are a funny bunch.
Tiff- I'm a master of sweet and creepy- Excellent. If that's not a pick-up line, then I don't know what is. And I will never pop my collar. Ever. I resisted after three-plus years of living in Conn. I can do it now.
Sophia- You just blew my mind with that thought. Has a girl ever tried it on me? My mind is racing...Please try it on a guy soon and tell me the results. Or just show cleavage. That works as well.
Ms. Haute - Glad you enjoyed it, just as I enjoyed your Q&A session and its reference to Taco Bell and sex swing in the same post.
Finger- Good word. Use it in one of your upcoming posts and you'll get enshrined somewhere, I'm sure.

Amanda. said...

Mmm. I'm a sucker for
the hand holding.
So I probably would
have totally been
swooning on you...

And um...the Pink
Power Ranger is
still totally around.
Let me guess...you
just thought she
was so hot, eh?

This is a Test said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
This is a Test said...

Oh, Andy. How I do miss seeing this process in action. You are a hand-holding genius. Miss you, bud!

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