To discuss a Cosmo review: April 2010

What do you think convinced Lady Gaga to do an issue of Cosmopolitan? As if she would ever follow any of the advice they have in there. I mean, look at one of the cover headlines: "50 Things to Do Butt Naked." Since one of the options isn't "Perform live at an awards show," why would she listen?

Anyway, here's the Cosmopolitan April 2010 review. As always, don't read this if Cosmo (or Lady Gaga) offends you.

• Cosmo Bachelor Search 2010: Nominate a guy to be Bachelor of the Year. Is Jake Pavelka still eligible, or do we have to wait until he officially breaks up with Vienna?
• Cover subject Lady Gaga:: "I wanted to sleep with as many rock 'n' roll guys as I could, and I've certainly had my fun." Holy crap, was she on Rock of Love Bus and I missed it? And what part of sleeping with a bunch of rockers sounds like a healthy decision? Her private parts are probably a petri dish.
  
• Gaga: "I'd tell any new boyfriend to hang on because it's going to be a bumpy ride." ... Why? Because in the middle of sex your bra would gouge his eye? Or because in the middle of sex you'd decide you don't like boys anymore?

• OK, these JC Penney ads are getting more and more ridiculous. Am I shopping at the wrong JC Penney, or is there a secret slutty one guys aren't allowed to know about? And at what point did JC Penney ad models get hotter than Victoria's Secret models?
• Guy confessions: A guy giving a PowerPoint presentation at work using his iPhone is embarrassed when "private" photos he had sent to his girlfriend popped up on the screen. How many run-of-the-mill sitcoms do people need to watch before realizing that it's never a good idea to keep personal photos in the same folder/phone as the one you're using for a PowerPoint? Although you'd think by this point Microsoft would have invented a PowerPoint update that automatically scans photos for boobs and penises before it's shown on screen.
• Fun Fearless Fashion: Wearing denim-on-denim: Cosmo says it's now socially acceptable to wear a denim top and denim pants and denim shoes. But that denim thong can get really itchy ...
  
• Sexy vs. Skanky: A quick smooch (Amanda Seyfriend/Dominic Cooper) vs. A long tongue wrestle (Janice Dickinson and her bf). That just makes me miss the days of Janice on "America's Next Top Model," even if it looks like she's trying to recreate a scene from "Species."
• The 5 Best Compliments You Can Give Him: 'Cha-ching' when he's successful at work; 'Hahahaha' when he cracks a joke... or 'I've never seen one that long and big!' when he ... crochets a scarf.
• The Sex Article We Can't Describe On the Cover: As it turns out, Cosmo CAN be shamed... they couldn't put the words "oral sex" on the cover because it's "too shocking" to some... and yet they can put "Find Your G-Spot" and "Speak His Sex Language" on the cover. But oral sex? Heavens no!
• How to Appear Crazy and Neurotic: Oops, I don't think I got the article's title right. But who can blame me, when Cosmo advises women to touch a new guy they meet five times within every 15 minutes ... because guys love it when a girl is so into their conversation, she's timing out her physical contact.
  
• A new ABC Family original movie: 'Beauty & The Briefcase' starring Hilary Duff: Hilary plays a girl who lands a big assignment from Cosmo where she has to date a bunch of guys and write about it. Pay no attention to the movie you saw with Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey with a similar plot. Or the fact Hilary Duff keeps getting movie roles. Don't even get me started on "Raise Your Voice."
  
• Cosmo Gyno Q&A: 'My gyno gave me a rectal exam. WTF?' Dear Gyno worrier: Turn around next time. Duh.
• Rethink Your Green Routine: Advice such as pulling the plug on unused appliances and purchasing organic foods. For some reason, "Don't buy a 200-page glossy magazine every month" isn't on their list of ways to save the environment. At least I'm helping you avoid that.
  

To discuss a Maxim review: February 2010

Despite being eminently popular with Google searches, I haven't had the chance to do a Maxim review lately. And then, when I finally get to do one, Amanda Bynes is on the cover. What do I have to do to get away from Amanda Bynes? First Cosmo, now this. And that cover photo looks like she just woke up at an all-night study session that ended in a half-naked mistake. Oh well. It's the February 2010 Maxim review. Don't read on if you're offended by Maxim, scandalous photo links or Tiger Woods jokes.

• Reader letter: "Your models always wear the sexiest panties. Luckily my girlfriend puts me in charge of buying all her intimates. Where can i buy the stuff your ladies wear?" Let me translate: "OMG you guys, I want to buy panties just like the ones on your models. For, um, my *cough* girlfriend *cough*. Can I get them online so no one has to see me buy them?"
• Five Airlines That Cater to Your Every Vice: Porn- Alaska Airlines is one of the only wi-fi equipped airlines that does not block inappropriate content. So besides the crying baby, the morbidly obese seatmate, the loud cell phone talker and the snorer, I now have to deal with "party in his pants" guy? I hope he's not the one sitting beside the emergency exit, or "open the hatch" will be too many entendres to handle.
• Women of the World: Camila Tavare. I'm including this NSFW link for all the Google sexytime searchers, who, we now know, are going to view her near-naked picture while on Alaska Airlines. Camila may be incredibly sexy, but she's 20 years old. Which means she could have been born in 1990. Andddddddd flaccid.
• Michelle Branch was in Maxim? Whose next, Vanessa Carlton?
• Happy Valentine's Day... The world's sappiest holiday is the best night of the year for no-strings sex ... "Something about the fact that it was Valentine's Day made me feel way sluttier than normal," said Jenny, 25. And now the mystery is solved. We now know who gets all those "For a good time call..." messages in rest stop bathrooms. It's Jenny.
• Cover girl Amanda Bynes: OK, not to get too graphic, but the (non-nude) sheer dress in this photo makes it look like she has cameltoe. And, in a fun fact, did you know Nick Cannon was on "All That" with Amanda? Neither did Mariah. Mariah is going to stab that bitch.
• Bynes: ""Some people still see me as a kid, but I'm a 23-year-old woman now." The Olsen twins are legal, too, but that still makes it creepy.
  
• Tiger's temptress: A photo spread with Tiger's mistress, Jaimee Grubbs. Jaimee says her first time with Tiger was "passionate and sweet." That sound you heard was Elin smashing an eight iron on Tiger's golf cart. BTW, Jaimee is not an attractive woman. Why has this not been brought up?
  
• 31 Things You Absolutely Did Not Need to Know: Snippets from real celeb autobiographies. Sarah Palin "If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?" Actually, he made them out of carbon, but why get technical. Carbon tastes delicious after a 20 minutes on the grill.
  
• For my British readers: London native Keeley Hazell, who is famous for being a Page 3 Girl (a semi-nude model) in The Sun newspaper. Clearly, I'm working at the wrong type of newspaper. Keeley says her big chest causes big backaches. This assuredly is true, but Maxim readers probably don't want to her busty girls say there back hurts. What's next, that girls don't like going down on guys?

To discuss a Cosmo review: December 2009

I better get this December Cosmopolitan review to you, as the January one has already hit the shelves. That, and I know you need to use the money you'd use to buy Cosmo on presents instead. You stingy minx.

In this edition, we get news on what guys want with sex (My guess: having it), weird things guys shout out during sex, and a very, very strange product for your who-who. As always, if you think Cosmo is dirty filth, don't read this.

Although everyone should check the special message at the end. It's brought to you by Christmas cheer.

And now on to the Cosmo review...

• Cosmo Hot Sheet: Hey, an appearance by Cosmo fave, Aubrey O'Day. But, as usual, it's for a "Not So Hot" moment, as they dislike her "I Love Me" shirt. Can they just make her the cover subject already? Who wouldn't want to see them try to make her sound classy?
• Sexiest photo I've seen so far is about 46 pages in. Damn you, saucy JC Penney ads, with you and your come hither lingerie models.
• Cover subject Fergie: There's a one-line mention in her feature that she was addicted to meth. There are multiple paragraphs about her husband, Josh Duhamel. Don't be jealous, meth. Josh was in "Transformers." You're only featured in MTV "True Life" documentaries.
• Cosmo makes the argument girls are more likely to dig a guy who is already in a relationship. So while you hear guys say, "The good girls are already taken," evidently the girls say, "The good guys are already taken!"
• Quick side note: While I do this review on the December issue, my girlfriend is reading the January issue. This is what makes relationships work.
• Cosmo Hot or Not: Cosmo gives special skank recognition to "The Cuchini," which hides camel toe. Not to be confused with zucchini, which is for salads and vagi... yes, just salads. P.S. We both know you clicked on that link.
• "Hidden Secrets His Hug Reveals": Advice such as "The farther down your body his hands travel, the more fired up he is." Examples: If his hand is inside your pants, he is hoping to have sex with you. If his hand is by your ankles, well, get ready for an all-nighter.
• How much of Sarah Jessica Parker's original face do you think is left in this heavily-Photoshopped "Did You Hear About the Morgans?" ad, featured in Cosmo? 20 percent? 15?
• "Make His #1 Sex Wish Come True." Advice includes sending naughty photos and whispering in his ear you need to have sex with him -- now. This advice works so well, the near-naked male model being straddled by the gorgeous near-naked female model in the accompanying photo does not have an erection. At all. Maybe she needs to whisper louder."
• Bizarre In-Bed Outbursts": "He shoots, he scores!" Really, dude? Really? What did you score, conception of a bastard child?
• "Seven Habits That Are Giving You Belly Pudge." Examples: You Skips Meals, You Think Bread Is Bad, You Booze a Lot But Infrequently. Another possibility: You eat a lot, don't exercise and your New Year's Resolution is to find a more efficient way to suck the cream out of a Twinkie.
  

-------------------------------------
On to something much more worthy of our attention. Some friends of mine, including Rainbow Eclipse, decided to skip the gift-giving this year and instead raise money for cleft-lip or cleft palete surgery for babies, done through Smile Train.
If you'd like to donate (say, the amount of money you saved by not reading Cosmo this month), please visit this link. I would have made this request it's own post, but I knew it's easier to get people's attention with Cosmo sex quizzes. I'm evil like that.

To discuss a Cosmo review: November 2009

It's been a few months since the last Cosmo review, after I went on Cosmo overload in August with a We Are Cosmo stog.

But Kim Kardashian's on the cover of the November 2009 edition, so you know I can't miss the opportunity. I've got all of you to think about. Let's get into Cosmo. As always, don't read this if you wear a WWJD bracelet.

• The cover alone offers a myriad of "duhs" Cosmo assumes readers are either idiots or virgins. "What He Thinks During Sex." Um, he thinks, 'Woohooooo! Booobbbiieeess!' "Kim Kardashian: The Mistake That Still Haunts Her- No, Not the Sex Tape"Actually, yes, the sex tape. "Bad Girl Issue: For Sexy Bitches Only" Good thing I renewed my sexy bitch permit.
  
• Are Cosmo readers secretly lesbians? There are a lot of ads with topless chicks. A lot.
• Cover subject Kim Kardashian: In the quiz, she says she's tired of having to defend my "butt!! It's real, OK!!!!" Kim, of course we know that. You proved it in your home exercise video ... Wait, that wasn't about home exercise? Yeah, right, and next you're going to tell me "One Night in Paris" wasn't a documentary on the perils of drug abuse.
  
• Kim says the sex video was a mistake, "and I don't make the same mistake twice." Next time, she'll get better lighting and an iTunes distribution deal.
• Cosmo Man Manual: Tear-away cards to take to the bar so you can decipher a guy's body language. I'll tell you this much: If you whip out a body language advice card while trying to decipher a man, you might as well call it a night. "Excuse me, Hottie McGuy, but can you not move for a second? I'm trying to figure out if you are subconsciously undressing me."
• Dear Cosmo: I appreciate you including a photo in the "Man Manual" section of a girl wearing a wife-beater with no bra, but it's worthless nipple. I can't get aroused by Cosmo nipple. It's like cleavage at church- you weren't supposed to see it in the first place, and when you do, you don't know what to do with it.
  
• Before They Were Hotties: I feel better knowing Brad Pitt had a double-chin before. Of course, he was a baby, but I'll take it.
• What He's Really Thinking During Sex: "When I see that those giant breasts she had really came form a push-up bra, it's a huge disappointment," Allan, 28. Also a disappointment, Allan: When she takes off your pants and find a balled-up tube sock.
• Another example: "Talking dirty is cool, but I do not want to be called Daddy by anyone in bed," Dan, 30. Totally acceptable alternatives, Dan: Step-Daddy, Lord of the Groin, or Pretty, Pretty Princess.
• "The New Way to Foreplay: Cosmo's uncovered some surprisingly sensitive parts of the body." How is it possible there are parts of the body Cosmo has yet to find erogenous? At this point, they are down to elbows, kidneys and heels. Here's a hint, Cosmo: Advise women to directly touch a man's Private Benjamin. We'll salute every time. Don't try to reinvent the penis.
• Cosmo's 2009 Bachelor Blowout: A hottie from every state. Capricorn thumbed through all the guys and found about 18 that were passable. She almost gagged at a few. We particularly enjoyed the guys who listed their interests as "playing the guitar," "surfing" or "generally being kind of a douche."
• There's an entire section about being a bad girl. Except, in Cosmo terms, all that seems to mean is that you are super, super, SUPER slutty and likely have a tramp stamp. Oh, and you swear like a trucker ... while having slutty slut sex with strangers.
  

To discuss a Cosmo review: August 2009

Capricorn* and I have discussed an inherent flaw in men's and women's magazines. Men's magazines, such as GQ and Maxim, tell you how to get the girl through fancy possessions and pick-up lines. Women's magazines tell you how to make him stay through "mind-blowing" sex and reverse psychology craziness. Why isn't there a men's magazine that tells you how to keep a woman around through "100 ways to please your woman" and "Here's what she means when she says this," and a women's magazine that helps a girl "not get crazy jealous of all the guy's female friends" and "how to stop fooling yourself into thinking you can turn a bad boy into marriage material"?

On to the Cosmo August 2009 review (a lengthy one to make up for the lack of a July review). As always, don't pass Go or collect $200 if you think Cosmo is the devil's literature.

• He totally blew it when: Stories of guys blowing their chance. Example: "I was hanging out at this guy's apartment...He proudly showed me the condom collection he had hidden in his closet." Could have been worse: "I was hanging out at this guy's apartment... He proudly showed me his shrunken head collection he had hidden in his freezer."
• Target has a perverted ad, listing 10 "Things that Sound Naughty, But Aren't." Examples: Purina Moist & Meaty, Scotch Packing Noodles, Caress Body Wash.... Just in case you missed it: Freakin' Target has a perverted ad!
• Cosmo Hot Sheet: Trends on the Rise Right Now: 1) Studly Stubble. "Women find stubble more attractive than any other kind of facial hair." Sweet! I've been going stubbley since the day after Sound of Music. I mean, my 'stache was pimp and all, but...
• Cosmo cover girl, Katy Perry: Did you know her real name is Katheryn Hudson, but she didn't want to be confused with Kate Hudson? My real name is Andy Samberg, but I didn't want to be confused with the Junk in a Box guy
  
• Katy says she decided to break away from the church (her parents are pastors) when she decided she wanted sex before marriage. The church decided to break up with Katy when they realized she kissed a girl and liked it.
• Katy's cat's name is Kitty Purry. I assume she's referring to an actual feline.
• Aubrey O'Day must be in the Cosmo Hall of Fame for her litany of appearances on Sexy vs. Skanky, this time for sucking face with Kathy Griffin.
• An ad for "The Ugly Truth," with Katherine Heigl. Is the ugly truth the fact the movie is so formulated I don't need to see it to know how it turns out?
• Cosmo Confessions: One girl was on a bus ride in Mexico, when the driver pulled over, concerned about a loud buzzing noise. He evacuated the bus, and eventually decided the noise was coming from the girl'sbagohwhatasurprise it's a hot pink vibrator. What is a surprise is that a vibrator sounds SO LOUD you can hear it on a shoddy Mexican tourist bus. Is her vibrator a jack hammer?
• "What His #1 Sex Style Reveals" Options include intensely sexy, sweet and slow, playfully unpredictable and fast & furious. Not included: intensely stalkerish, sweet and slowly choking you to death, playfully imagining kiddies and fast & furious as the cocaine allows.
• "Cosmo for Your Guy"... is full of ways to trick your girlfriend into having sex the way you want. Which, in the next issue, will become an article about why women need to take control in bed. Which,in the subsequent issue, will become an article about why men need to pick up on subtle hints in the sack. Nowhere to be found: Hey, just enjoy the fact you're having sex in a relationship without analyzing it like a football game.
• Mark-Paul Gosselaar (Zack Morris) offers "10 Things Guys Wish You Knew," such as "Quiet confidence is incredibly sexy." Surprisingly, one of the options is not, "Don't kiss your on-stage romantic lead in a Shakespeare play because Kelly and A.C. will totally find out!" Sidenote: Watching Gosselaar's "Raising the Bar" on TNT. Thank me later.
• What is up with these damn "boyfriend jeans"? They aren't actually your boyfriend's- you bought them at the GAP, and you were single. You just want a reason to wear loose, comfortable jeans, an understandable thing. But let's be clear- you're wearing man jeans. You don't see GQ recommending "girlfriend jeans."
• Why do women always look so happy shaving in the ads? I only hear about them complaining.
• Dear Cosmo: Please stop insinuating men are lustful, porn-obsessed pervs. Because the two photos in your "Cosmo Sex Poll: 6,000 Horny Guys Tell All!" are basically porn. Unless Christianity is completely wrong and it's totally cool looking at a girl take it from behind in the shower.
• Sample results from the poll, done with askmen.com: "The hottest thing a woman can say when she sees you naked is, "I want you inside me," at 56 percent. Hmm. I figured it's "Ooh, look how cute that is. I just want to pinch it!"
• Another: "When we're done with sex, I would love if she..." Number one answer by guys is "Cuddled up with me in bed." Fifth-place: "Rolled over and left me alone." Ladies just can't get enough of those hit it and quit it types.
• Oh crap. Well, the AskMen survey just killed my point above about Cosmo making us into pervs. "What can she do to ensure that she's on your mind all day." Send you a romantic card? No. Make you cookies? Nope. Popular answers: Dirty texts, naughty pictures, phone sex, sticking thong in coat pocket.
• One of Cosmo's suggestions on how to get your man to change an annoying habit is to have your friends tease him. That's just kick-me-in-the-crotch fantastic advice, and I'm sure it won't blow up in your face.
• "Turn Him Into the Orgasm Whisperer" by using lube. Four out of five gay guys can't be wrong!
• Terrible advice of the month: A girl in a college engineering program only has male students to hang out with, and thinks they might be a cockblock. Cosmo advices her to use the nerds to help her meet a hot guy at the bar, saying she should offer "whoever helps you meet a cute dude gets a free drink." At least Cosmo isn't shallow and didn't completely overlook the fact one of those nerdy engineers might think she's hot and would lose all self-esteem if she said that... not Cosmo. Not the Cosmo I know.-

----------------------------------------
* Capricorn is my girlfriend, for new readers. Check here to find out why.

To discuss a look back at one year of Wild ARS Chase, for better or worse or worser

"All the kids are doing it these days.... blogging, that is (oh, and the chronic)."

That's how Wild ARS Chase started one year ago this past Saturday. So much has changed since then, both in my life and on the blog, it's almost like Elizabeth Berkley on Saved by the Bell and on Showgirls - sure, it's the same person, but in name only.

Many of you have already given me congratulations, which is much appreciated. What's most interesting about Aug. 1 2008 versus Aug. 1 2009 might be the change in readership- a lot of newbies, some diehards and a porn spammer or two.

To refresh the memory of my longtime readers (I can say that now-- it's been a year) and those who jumped on board bandwagon style, I thought we'd take a stroll through memory lane. More of a marathon (sorry about the length- it's a year, after all), but memory lane nonetheless. And if you've never commented before, um, can you say hi this time, so I can prove you exist?

Coincidentally, this is post #300.

August

• Had my first TV Play by Play, reviewing The CW's "Girlicious" Excerpt :16 Jenna’s having cramps, she announces during her dancing practice. She doesn’t want anyone to think she’s a quitter, so she toughs it out. By curling up on her bed and quitting.
• I divulge my extraordinary Seven Steps to Holding Hands method, am considered for Nobel Peace Prize.
• Do my first co-blog with Tracie, as we cover the summer Olympics and I profess my love for Alicia Sacramone.
• And I wrap up with my first month in review (I was full of ideas back then. Those were the good days), where I say my artist of the month, Adele, is a mix of Alicia Keys, Jill Scott and Joss Stone, "Like a biracial lesbian test tube baby."
  

September

• My first "America's Next Top Model" play by play, which has become a bit of a signature for W.A.C.
• I go on the worst date of my life. Check that. I tried to go on the worst date of my life.
• I introduce you to my chiweenie (that's my dog, not my crotch)
• And I meet Capricorn, the soon to be love of my life who goes from casual mention to blog regular. Excerpt: "We settled on Madame Capricorn, which makes her sound like a fortune teller or a dominatrix, either of which sounds mysterious and wonderful."
• Oh, and I wrote a blog post on a typewriter.
  

October

• I posed 10 questions about 90s TV shows, one of many references to 90s pop culture that just kind of evolved as an underlying them of W.A.C.
• I went to St. Louis (and stayed at a hotel across from an Obama rally). I also saw Jesus.
• Capricorn and I nearly peed ourselves after watching this.
  
• And we celebrated Fall Fest 2008.

November

• Capricorn met my parents, which reminded me of an ex's crazy father.
• In perhaps my best idea, I started my "What I Learned from Cosmo" feature. If Cosmo would send me the August edition, I'd write another one.
• I referred to one of my favorite bloggers by the wrong name.
• And I had one of my most successful-- visitor-wise-- blog post series, when I hooked up with Ben (sadly, only in writing) for a No Ordinary Rollercoaster-Wild ARS Chase event here, here and here. I've heard it was second only to the Obama election in 2008 hype.
• I give you 100 things to know about me. One thing not included: I have a basketball-shaped pillow I sleep with every night like a teddy bear. True story.
• That was part of my first inaugural Get to Know Me Week.

December

• Wow, November was action-packed, wasn't it? December is like sloppy blogging seconds.
• Capricorn and I said three special words to each other, right before I went on a trip to Atlanta.
• I ripped on that Christmas Shoes song.
• Joshlos and I broke down the best sports movies from our lifetime. Summer Catch, somehow, does not make the list.
• And Kate and I give our resolutions. Suprisingly, I've actually kept up with all of them, except for the part about convincing Natalie Portman and Capricorn to make out.
  

January

• I did my best to offend several of my fellow church-goers by debating who has it worse- girls with their ladybits or guys with their manparts.
• I gave out the inaugural Wild ARS Awards.
• I start doing play by plays of ultra homoerotic "Bromance" episodes.
• And I publish some incriminating childhood photos.

February

• Finger Talks does a hilarious guest post in honor of my birthday.
• I do commentary on the Grammys. Excerpt: "Chris Brown gets announced for his nominated song, "No Air." I now realize that song was Jordin Sparks' plea for help."
• And I roll out a new feature, Love Coach texts, and a second installment of Music I Loved Fridays.

March

• In one week, I find out my work is forcing us to take five unpaid days off, my brother is admitted to the hospital and I find out I have to pay double rent.
• I balance out my magazine reviews my recapping Maxim. Thus begins the first of several Google searches landing on my blog in search of scantily clad women.
• Bailey costs me $300, and I gripe about moving.

April

• Another W.A.C. special: As Seen on TV Week, with PediPaws, Shamwow, Hercules Hooks, and other terrible products.
• Oh, and let's not forget the Snuggie review, which might have been the crowd favorite.
• As if that wasn't enough embarrassment, I responded to a challenge by Haute Pocket by replicating my Fake Andy Shaw of the Month photo.

May

• I explain to Jenners' readers all about the male mind.
• Capricorn rode a tractor, with video evidence.
• I break my computer and visit an amusement park, all in one weekend.

June

• I gave you my 10 Top Embarrassing Songs on my iTunes playlist.
• Then I took the rest of the month off...

July

• ... because I was in a musical, "The Sound of Music."
• Then I gave you all some social media training.
• Recapped the glorious "16 and Pregnant" finale
• And wrote a guest post for Ms. Pocket in honor of her 25th birthday.

---------------------------------------
So, that's it. I almost forgot about some of that stuff. You'd think this was almost a legitimate blog, looking backing at all of this. Here's hoping I can keep it up for Year 2... thanks for supporting me-- I consider you the sponsors to my Blogging Anonymous. To thank you, I've got a special surprise planned I hope to have available later this month. No, it's not a puppy.

To discuss a Maxim review: May

To balance out the Cosmo reviews, I started doing Maxim magazine reviews. Maxim is unabashed when it comes to near-naked women. It comes right out and shows it, an emerging trend in magazines overall. Next thing you know, "Field & Stream" will have a full page spread of naked people getting their buck on.
Here's the May 2009 review. There's links to some of the sexytime photos so I could make this post relatively safe for work. Also, please read a Bible afterward:

• "Fighting" movie star Zulay Henao, who is wearing a bra, panties and four-inch stilettos (the five-inchers would have made her look whore-y) reveals her first kiss was with a guy named Sergio, when they were playing house together as kids. Her mom got mad, "and I was done seeing Sergio." Yeah, and now Sergio is holding your two-page spread with one hand and slowly reaching for a pistol with the other.
• Stop a Chimp from Eating Your Face: Protect your 'nads. An angry chimp may end up castrating a male." As if I don't have enough to worry about, now I have to look out for runaway Chewbacca going ape s*** on my banana bunch. (Any other ape jokes can be inserted here)
• Ask Maxim: Q: Why is my girlfriend so clingy? A: She has separation anxiety. Or maybe because Cosmo is telling her that she needs to check up on her man constantly so he doesn't forget about her.
  
• A feature on "Sit Down, Shut Up," a new animated show on Fox that premiered in April... and has been canceled by the time I did this review.
• Multiple pages on hybrid cars, waterproof watches and mountain bikes...This section could also be called: "See, we're more in depth than just Jennifer Love Hewitt's cleavage. But, if you like that, she's on page 58"
• Stuff for Her: Surprise her with a scooter. 1) The chick on the scooter is wearing a one-piece, side-cut out leotard with no bra... because that's what you'd wear to ride a scooter 2) Buy her a scooter. Go ahead. Tell me how that works out for you.
• Maxim staffers try to recreate famous movie sex scenes, like from "Ghost" and "Risky Business" and "Titantic." The Titanic guy says it's too difficult to draw your lady, nude, then convince her to go to your car and have sex in the backseat. I'd be much more worried about the fact that a few hours after sex, you have to wade in the freezing ocean, while she comfortably floats on a door.
• Did you know Jennifer Love Hewitt is "our generation's hottest starlet"? Maxim does. And here, I thought it was Scarlett Johannson, Jessica Alba or Topanga from "Boy Meets World" (dudes know what I'm tokkin 'bout!)
• Did you know the "Ghost Whisperer" is a ratings juggarnaut? How did that happen?
• Did you know JenLove just turned 30? That makes her a puma!
• "105 Greatest Geek Flicks of All Time!" Anything to make them feel they've got a shot with Megan Fox, the magazine's hottest sci-fi chick (oh, you totally do, dude. She thinks your Transformer action figure collection is h-o-t.) Transformers, evidently, counts as sci-fi. I can think of lots of other things to call that movie.
• Take a look at this photo of "Star Trek" director J.J. Abrams, then finish this sentence: "J.J., what is that veiny, thick, long _____ you're holding?"*
• An interview/photo spread with "Fast & Furious" star Jordana Brewster. I'd tell you more about what she said, but I was too busy staring at her thighs... and wondering if I should make her a cheeseburger or some cookies or something. At this rate, next year she'll be in a commercial, with an old white dude telling me I can sponsor her for just 10 cents a day.
  

* Correct answer: Tentacle. I'd also except penis.

To discuss What I Learned from Cosmo: May

It's long past due. Well, not really, because it's still May, but you know how magazines come out a month in advance. So here's What I Learned from Cosmo, May edition (here's April's edition). If you think Cosmo is smut, please do not read. If you're smutty yourself, read on.

• May's cover subject, Whitney Port from MTV's The City, admits she breaks down in tears a couple times a week from the stress of being on a reality television show. Whitney, not sure if you know this, but that's not normal. You may want to reconsider your life decisions if you are crying all the time. Unless the crying is part of the script.
  
• For Whitney's Cosmo quiz, she reveals she's never eaten pasta and she's addicted to soy lattes. You must be a real fun dinner date.
• The sexiest new kind of a woman: A puma, which is a woman in her 30s who likes younger dudes. Cosmo, always on top of things, includes a photo of a couple canoodling... and the "puma" in it looks like her mom might be 30-something. Phew. That was close. Cosmo almost showed a woman past college age in their magazine.
• Cosmo also makes this broad generalization: "Women are becoming entrenched in their careers right after college" instead of getting married. Except for the dozens of women I graduated with who are now married. They're just exceptions. And all of your female friends, too. Other than that, so true!
  
• How exactly does Cosmo get so many men to contribute their "Guy Confessions"? Do the girlfriends force them to do it?
• Cosmo editor Guy Henderson in "The Guy Truth": "Q: I found some e-mails my boyfriend wrote to girls who posted ads on Craigslist wanting to hook up. He said he was just playing. Why did he really do it? A: Because he wants to have sex with other women"... And please schedule a visit with your gyno, as you've probably got Craigslist Chlamydia by now.
  
• Get More Looks for Less: Budget-conscious outfits. Just so you know, Cosmo considers it budget-conscious to buy a $110 belt. We'll get out of this recession, America, one Cosmo-backed budget belt at a time.
• I don't care what they say, swimsuit tube tops like the one Katherine Heigl is wearing are not flattering. The cut makes it look like you've got granny boobs. Talk about Grey's Anatomy.*
  
• "What Guys Know About Sex That You Don't" offers such (somewhat sage) advice as "You're always doable," "Your crotch is awesome" and "Practice makes perfect." But, if you look closer, you realize Cosmo is telling women they should just fantasize about sex and masturbate all the time. Which is fine, if the woman is channeling her inner 14-year-old boy. But in reality, it might just be best to not overthink things and believe him when he says you're sexy. That goes a lot farther than double-clicking your mouse five times a day.
• "Wedding Day Freak-Outs: How to distinguish between normal nervousness and serious cold feet." Example: You feel like you're on pins and needles versus You have a lingering sense of foreboding. Or: You have trouble deciding which dress to pick versus You're worried about the fact you're a dirty whore.
• Advertisement for Yaz birth control. Me, to Capricorn: "Why do women always look so happy in birth control ads?" Capricorn: "Because they're not pregnant."
• There is a multi-page spread on "Make Waves: Glam up chic swimsuits with sophisticated accessories." This is a clear case of women dressing for other women. Ladies, if you are wearing a teenie bikini and are relatively in shape, guys are going to think you look hot. We could care less about bangles, purses or necklaces to help you "rule the sand." We just think, "Hey, her butt looks nice." Also, a smile goes a long way.
• "Guy Truths They'd Tell If They Had the Guts": "Your dad's not as nice to us as you think he is," "Anything bedazzled is bad news,"... and "You spent HOW MUCH on a belt?"
• Repel a Peeping Tom: Plant something thorny, like a small cactus or rosebush, in front of your windows to keep Peeping Toms... at a distance. Yes, because a Peeping Tom would think, "Man, I'd watch this girl getting naked by using my binoculars and my telephoto lens, but there's a damn cactus by her window. I guess I'll just go home and watch porn instead."
• "50 Things to Do Naked." Among the asinine suggestions: "Take a strip class. Look on Craigslist... and find a private instructor." Because there are so many legitimate strip class instructors on Craiglist... you might want to plant several cacti by your door before the "instructor" arrives.
• Cosmo Gyno: "Why do my roommates and I get our periods together" It's God's way of punishing your boyfriends.

* Hey-yooo!

Check out the new links (and the new graphic!) at the top of the main page, including a link for all my past Cosmo/Maxim recaps. See, I was productive this weekend.

To discuss What I Learned From Cosmo: April

I'd like to think that one month, Cosmopolitan will stop treating women like they are sex-crazy, boy-hungry, insecure, unintelligent people. But that month is not April. Here's what I learned from Cosmo's April edition; here's last month's review...

• "Bachelor Search 2009..."If you know a single guy worthy enough to make the cut for our annual Bachelor issue, let us know about him!" I know a great guy, Cosmo editors! He's famous, has dreamy eyes and tan skin, is a great father and is looking for a long-term relationship. In the interest of full disclosure, he's also a two-faced liar who broke a woman's heart because of contractual obligations.
• "82 percent of bachelors believe a hookup can turn into a real relationship." 18 percent of bachelors aren't as delusional.
• Ashley Tisdale is this month's cover girl, a fact that even Ashley Tisdale can't quite explain. She dishes that even though she lives with her parents, she he has no problem getting intimate with her boyfriend. Well, that is until she dished to Cosmo that she's banging her boyfriend with the 'rents home. Say goodbye to nookie, Ashley's boyfriend.
• Cosmo confessions: A girl who has a sore throat goes to the E.R., where she is attended to by a hot young doctor. But she's like, so totally embarrassed because the doctor asks her to "pull up my dress so he could feel my spleen. I had on the rattiest pair of full-bottom briefs." Which brings me to this thought: Doesn't it sound suspicsious that this doctor needed you to lift your dress to feel your spleen to help cure your sore throat? When you complain of an ear ache, does he ask you to remove your underwear?
• Read between his lines- He says "She was too clingy." He means "I don't do well with commitment." Wrong again, Cosmo. He means, She was so clingy I had to text her to let her know when I had to use the bathroom.
• Postsex Moves He'll Love... "Put on his shirt"... "Compliment him"... "Take off." Yes, Cosmo just advised women to leave after sex. Next month, there will be an article telling girls that guys don't like one-night stands, thus further confusing women who need an endless cycle of Cosmo advice. My advice: Stop letting strangers board your ho train.
• Cosmo for Your Guy: Create a Sex Goddess by flattering her weak spots: A surefire way to piss a girl off, Capricorn says, is for a guy to talk about a girl's fat spots, because she'll know you're lying. See, even guys can learn from Cosmo!
• Sexy Ways to Go Green: Eco-friendly tips include showering with your guy, using all-natural lubricants, and buying a vibrator with rechargeable batteries. So the Inconvenient Truth was actually about the need to recharge batteries before bedtime fun?
  
• Celeb Look: Get perfect, glistening lips like Rihanna by using gloss. Also, by not dating Chris Brown.
• My observation- Things women must really be excited about, judging by the models in ads: Tampons and birth control.
• The Worst Advice We've Ever Printed: Do needlepoint while he watches...Invent a boyfriend and send yourself flowers... Hand kissing is no longer limited to gentlemen." No, seriously, Cosmo gave that advice in past issues. More recent bad advice: Anything in the Cosmo for Your Guy section.
• What to Do When Your Guy's on the Small Side: Leave him. Just kidding. For the second month in a row, Cosmo reviews "Is he 'normal' down there." About five inches is normal, according to Cosmo, although 2-3 percent of guys have a penis less than three inches long than erect... which means my chiweenie dog is packing more heat than some adult men. Hey-ooo!... Cosmo says not to lie and say "Wow!" when teenie weenie drops his pants. I also advise not pointing, giggling or calling it "cute as a button."
  
• Make him reveal how he feels- Don't ask "Do you love me?" Say "Mind if I drive your car?" The more he cares, the more he shares. Yeah, that makes sense. If he really loves you, he'll share his car, his clothes, his herpes and his emotional baggage. Enjoy, lovers!
• "My guy's condom tends to slip off. Why?" He's in the 2-3 percent category.
  

Take a second to vote in my poll on your favorite Wild ARS Chase features, such as this one. And, for those that like the Cosmo reviews, then come back for a review of Maxim later this week... or you could stop by LBluca77 for her excellent own Cosmo review.

To discuss replies to the litany of congrats

Normally I respond to all of your lovely comments with a comment of my own, but, considering the enthusiasm and volume of responses about the girlfriend post, some thoughts:

Teej said...

I'm happy to be the first to say congrats on the official gf/bf status. Madame Capricorn is either lucky or insane :-P Now change your facebook or it isnt official remember!

She likely is insane, although, since she reads this blog now, um, she is also incredibly pretty and funny. I did change my Facebook status, Teej, and that was more nerve-wracking than actually asking Capricorn to be my girlfriend (although we did joke it should be like a "Circle Yes No or Maybe" format). Those Facebook status things are no joke. People pay more attention to them than they do the presidential campaign. If Obama changed his Occupation status to "President" on his Facebook page tomorrow, I think millions of teens would assume he won the election.

Libby said...

congrats on the gf!

and yes, i was one of those kids that skipped ahead to see what adventure i was choosing. no worries though, i did go back & read the whole post;-P

I did love those books. I wish my life was like a Choose Your Own Adventure. "If you want Andy to go on a kayaking adventure, go to the year 2015. If you want Andy to be completely broke, turn to this Blog Post."

Miss Tiff said...

Congrats on Madame Capricorn becoming the official girlfriend. :) I'm super happy for you!

What's funny is that half of the purpose of this blog was to gripe about women problems and dating failures. Now I'm screwed.

FunnyGal KAT said...

Yay for the new girlfriend! And yay for her not being your brother's girlfriend! (this time at least...)

Does Capricorn know about the blog? How about a guest post one of these days so we can get her side of the story!

For anyone who doesn't read KAT or SJ's blog, funnygals.blogspot.com, do so- they are regularly hilarious. KAT, Capricorn does know about the blog, although I'm not sure if she's up for a guest post just yet.

You know what's awkward? Telling a woman you write a blog. It's almost like a dirty little secret, like the herpes of confessions, minus the outbreaks. Like, you have to explain why you do such a thing and what you write about and how you won't embarrass her, you promise, unless she's crazy, and then you will.

ANG* said...

gf/bf status already? nice work buddy.
also, i love gym stories. please continue grunting. that visual is awesome...

Here's my take on bf/gf status: If you quickly realize that the two of you click and things feel natural, why freaking wait around to make it official just to follow the norm? Even if it doesn't work out, at least you didn't spend precious days or weeks wondering if the other person is out on a date with someone else. You spent that time only with them and can really concentrate on them. Plus, it's easier on Facebook to say "In a relationship" than "It's complicated," which sounds more like you're having an affair with your gardener.

amindinmotown said...

Congrats on the ladyfriend. That was pretty quick! Ha.

And to prove your point about the gym ... my boyfriend almost entirely ceased going to the gym shortly after we got together, and although he's trying again, with nobody to impress - 'cause let's face it, he already has me, ha - I wonder how long this gym stint shall last.

If you want him to continue, drop casual compliments about how his arms feel bigger or his chest looks more defined. Even if it's not completely true. Because we will always go after hearing something like that.

SouthernBelle said...

Lovely, congrats! That WAS quick work!

PS - Yes, I also skipped to the end but went back & read the whole thing, like libby.

Anyway, it's not like your title didn't give the game away! Unless you meant to say you were in a bicep curl now.

I'm in a bicep curl like The Thinking Man, who did the original bicep curl. Thanks for the congrats. In a weird way, I looked forward to telling all of you about this latest event almost more so than people I know in real life. Because I know you'd all appreciate it.

sj said...

i don't have enough of an attention span to skip forward and then jump back, so i actually waited to the end to read the footnotes.

and congrats! i agree with my bff. let's have her do a guest post!

If by "guest post" you mean, For the love when is Andy going to have somebody else write to break up his normal drivel, I'll see what I can do. Also- is there an acronym for best friends who are only best friends for a certain period, such as high school, or only at work? It's not forever. Maybe, BFFN- Best Friends For Now.

gracie-mel said...

"Coincidentally, my brother also got a girlfriend last night, which is a very strange and cool coincidence"

what... you guys pickin' them up at the Dollar General again? What did I tell you two about that??

Leave it to my sister to compare her brothers' girlfriends to Dollar General. I'd do a "Your Momma" joke to her, but that's my mom, too. Crap.

Diane said...

Can I just call you Speedy Gonzalez now? ;)

As long as we're only talking about relationships and not about physiological responses.

--------------
For those of you who never comment, see what you missed? And really, you don't even need to sign up or anything to comment. What's holding you back? Entering those random characters?

To discuss my life in e-mails and shaping chesticles

I figured if the first part didn't draw you in, the second part would.
Pervert.
Let's get the second part over with now.
This commercial boggles my mind. It's either one of the most erotic infomercials ever, or it's the most disturbing. I'm no Dr. McDreamy (unless it's in my veterinary metaphor), but I'm still guessing it's not natural for boobs to move sideways like that. If that's the idea, then they really screwed up on Baywatch girls going up and down all those years.
Watch a minute (or two- it's enchanting) of the footage. As a guy, I'm highly confused about my emotions on this- it is, technically, cleavage... but it looks like fleshy shape shifters. More accurately, it looks like those scarabs in "The Mummy" have grown larger, taken over that poor woman's chesticles, and are now pacing back and forth.
Am I missing something here, or wouldn't adding muscle, by doing chest exercises, actually decrease the bust line because breast tissue is made of fat? You didn't see busty swimmers and gymnasts at the Olympics, did you? Just a thought.
But hey, it worked for 58-year-old Kathleen H: "I saw everything come up and everything fill out." As Michael Scott would say, that's what she said.

----------------
On to important business. Ever since I started this blog, I've had the idea in the back of my head that it would be fun and memorable for me and entertaining for you if I gave an overview of some recent years in my life, kind of a "The Story of Andy." Not that every day goes as horribly as this one, but it might make for some high entertainment to recall past failures.
To do that straight from memory, though, would be a feat. But then I remembered one thing that tracks the passage of time better than clocks and fashion trends: E-mails.
Kids, I looked in my Hotmail account (which uses my AIM screen name from when I was in sixth grade), and I've got e-mails dating the whole way back to Dec. 2001, nearing the end of my first semester in college. Sent e-mails are precious few, but I've got tons and tons of received e-mails because I never delete them out of fear that one day I'd write a blog and some random person would want to read about them (I'm so smart).
So here is what I'm proposing-- and if it's a terrible idea, say so. I'd like to do a semi-regular series of posts (monthly?) that, using nothing but memory and snippets of e-mail text, reconstruct that fateful freshmen year until now. I promise to make it juicy and funny and terribly embarrassing on my half, without naming names to protect the innocent. This is either my best idea ever or my worst.
Most of it will be recounting and second-guessing what I was thinking at the time. There's also life-changing decisions, failures, successes- all the good stuff. What do you think?
--------
Also- I'm going out tonight with a new Ladyfriend. No, not Quiznos girl. This is someone with whom I've actually had a conversation with out loud and not just in my head, and who appears to be funny/cute/friendly/not likely to murder me/all those good things. And who, from what she said, reads this blog... and she still wants to see me tonight. This makes me wonder about the mental state of other men in her life if I seem like a viable option. Anyway, wish me luck. I promise to be a gentleman.

To discuss what went terribly, terribly wrong...(Part 2)

It’s taken me longer than I thought to continue this harrowing story. That’s due, in part, to all the work needed to get that sweet Q&A going yesterday- Haute and I wrote and edited nearly 4,400 words combined for that sucker. Good God, what were we thinking? I do hope you enjoyed it- if you’d like me to continue doing my own Q&A in future weeks, let me know or e-mail questions to wildarschase@yahoo.com. I’ll try to get an e-mail link going in the sidebar as well. Oh, and shower Haute with praise on her site. She’s fragile.
I went back and forth on whether to write about Sunday, so as not to be a total jerk to people involved, even if they aren’t named. I decided to take the journalist’s approach and stick to the facts, letting you form your own opinion. Also- I'm not one for trashing people on a freakin' blog- if you know me in real life, realize I'm not just waiting for you to mess up so I can blog about it... I've got enough of my own problems to write about.
If you need to catch up, here's Part One: To Discuss what went right...

Back to shattered flowers and dreams...
When we last talked about my weekend, I had finished a very pleasant outing with Ladyfriend on Saturday, complete with my usual trademark “Did I just say that?” comments.
Sunday was full of promise. After coming home from church, I confirmed plans with XXX (not her real name), another cool girl I had recently talked to over the phone, but had not yet met in person. We were going to watch the Steelers’ game together at my place in front of my extremely large flatscreen TV*. I rushed home to clean up the place and make it smell all nice and un-boy like.
The game started at 1 p.m. XXX said she had left a few minutes prior to that, meaning she should arrive around 1:30sh, coming about 25-30 miles away. A timeline:
1:30 p.m. Steelers 7, Texans 0, Andy, alone.
1:45 p.m. Steelers 14, Texans 0, Andy, still alone and making a call to see if she’s lost.
2:15 p.m. Steelers 21, Texans 3, Andy a little worried because she’s not answering her phone.
2:45 p.m. Third quarter, Steelers 35, Texans 3, Andy now legitimately worried after several unanswered phone calls
3:30 p.m. Fourth quarter, Steelers 38, Texans 10, Andy now convinced he’s caused the death of XXX
4 p.m. Game over, Steelers crush Texans 38-17, Andy now has no idea where XXX is or why she isn’t answering or letting him know what happened.
5:30 p.m. After convincing himself she’s alright, I (we’re back in first person now) decide to get out of the house so I’m not just staring at my dog, waiting. I leave a last voicemail- number 2- telling her I was out but hoping she was OK and that she’d call soon to let him know what’s going on.
5:45 p.m. XXX texts to say she got rear-ended by some old, scary dude soon after she left, and her phone had died, so she couldn’t contact me. Everything makes sense now, glad she’s OK. Since she had a bad afternoon and it was partially linked to me, I offer to cheer her up by driving up to her place to keep her company and get her mind off of things. I tell her I’ll likely get there around 8:30 p.m.
8:10 p.m. Andy (third person again- I switch literary devices like underwear) is a mile or two down the road when XXX texts to say she needs an extra 30 minutes so she can stop at a co-worker’s house to pick something up.
8:15 p.m. Andy, an amiable gent, texts back that he’ll get there at 9 instead. Moments later, XXX texts back that 9 isn’t enough time, causing Andy to wonder how an extra 30 minutes past 8:30 p.m. does not equal 9 p.m. Andy writes back, 9:30?
The last text is critical, friends, as you’ll find out.
Andy spent the next hour picking up flowers- friends, dates or whomever it is, anyone can get flowers if they need cheering up- and driving to XXX’s place. It took less time than he expected, so Andy killed some time in his car after arriving watching episodes of The Office** on his laptop, which he had with him.
9:30 p.m. Andy calls XXX to tell her he’s here. Although she had not texted back before, Andy figured that 9:30 should be more than enough time, considering she said she only needed an extra 30 minutes or so.... Ring. Ring. No answer. Voice mail. “Hey XXX, just letting you know I’m around, let me know when you get back.”
9:45 p.m. Andy, sitting in silence, decides he might as well go knock on XXX’s door in case she already was home. The following exchange took place:
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Andy, looking for XXX?
" XXX who?" A random, shirtless dude replies.
XXX. Is she home?
Naw, man, XXX doesn’t live here. (no one said random shirtless dude was good at telling jokes)

Andy, now utterly confused, calls XXX to make sure he’s not in the wrong freakin' area. Again, no answer, which, in a Verizon commercial would go, “Can you hear me now?” followed by, “No I can’t #@%&*% hear you, no one is answering &%#$.”
10:10 p.m. Now getting frustrated, sitting in silence, not sure if he’s at the right place or if XXX actually exists, Andy grabs some food at the Sheetz station*** and calls his ex-fiance to explain the situation and double-check his sanity. Ex-fiance reassures him that he’s not crazy and that maybe he should wait a little longer, and then peace out. Ex-fiance, as always, is wise.
10:30 p.m. Andy, now back in the parking lot of XXX’s supposed housing complex, steals the Internet signal from some unsuspecting neighbor not smart enough to use a passcode (seriously, dude. That’s not smart). He wastes some time checking blogs and Twittering with the lovely MissTiff. Another call, another text. No reply.
10:45 p.m. Andy is now once again concerned he has caused the death of XXX.
10:45 p.m. Andy leaves one final, and as it turns out, fatalistic voice mail, using a slightly caustic tone to vent his underlying frustration that XXX hasn’t let him know anything about what’s going on, even just to say she’s running late or can’t make it or that she’s dead and he’ll have to reschedule. No expletives or raised voice were used, but it wasn’t sugary sweet, either.
11 p.m. Andy wishes it was Saturday again. Ladyfriend, already a nice person, is coming out like roses now.
11:45 p.m. Andy is back home, picking up at...
... Andy looked at the flower bouquet in the passenger seat. Silently, for everything that night was about silence, he picked up the flowers, got out of his car parked by his apartment, walked calmly to a nearby dumpster and bashed those motherf'rs in one, sweet blow to the ground before tossing in the remaining stem carcass, as petals fluttered in the air like Forrest Gump's feather.
Monday
11:22 a.m. XXX is alive! That’s the first and foremost concern alleviated. Good. Bad stuff, though. XXX texts that she’s fine but that Andy’s last voice mail made her not want to talk to him last night. Mind you, the last voice mail was at 10:45 p.m., well after the meeting time and after an earlier voice mail asking if she was ok.
A series of texts go back and forth, leading to an actual call (texting, as it turns out, is truly the devil).
XXX explains that she didn’t like Andy’s tone (somewhat understandable), that she had unknowingly left her phone in her car when visiting her co-worker, that she didn’t want to just quickly run in and out of said co-workers house and be “rude,” and that she didn’t think Andy would leave his place because she hadn’t confirmed the 9:30 p.m. time.
(This is the vitriolic part I’m leaving out- I try to give people the benefit of the doubt... Now you, you might not. So come to your own conclusions).
The icing on the three-layer, double-fudge cake is that Knock Knock dude, as it turns out, is XXX’s roommate. Yes, that dude lied to my face- he told XXX he didn’t know me, so instead of dealing with me he just made something up, and they had a good chuckle over it.

Well... um... at least the Steelers won.

* Some guys overcompensate by driving large cars or owning large dogs. I have a large flat screen. My overcompensation has brilliant colors and resolution, HDMI outputs and HD capability. My overcompensation is better.
** OK, so it was that sweet Halloween episode where Michael tries to fire someone, but he can't go through with it, and Jim and Pam send Dwight's resume to other companies, leading Dwight to ask a potential employer what his resume says under "Martial Arts Training." Classic.
*** Sheetz, for those outside the PA/WV region is a gas station mecca that includes touch-screen food ordering that is so well-made and delicious that people go there just to eat. Recognize.