I was going to take today off from blogging. Really. I've had about 25 posts in two weeks, which makes me feel like a prolific blogger on the level of perez hilton, and I don't even rely on celebrity crotch shots (that's year two).
But I couldn't get to sleep last night, which was a problem. I needed to get up for an early shirt at work, which inevitably leads the next morning to not shaving, taking ibuprofen and wishing I knew how to get speed (or find out what it looks like, for that matter). I know the horror stories, though. I know Jessie Spano took all those caffeine pills to stay alert and got 'So Excited,' but she crashed and burned and ruined the Hot Sundaes chance at fame. I don't want to hit that wall; that wall leads to doing "Showgirls" in a few years.
So as I tried to go to sleep, I turned the tv on. I could hardly believe the quality that I would have missed had I been asleep... A few selections:
1) Scream: Is it me, or is this movie not scary anymore? And I completely forgot Drew Barrymore is in it. But ever since "Scary Movie," all I think of is the guy with the mask doing the Budweiser commercial- "Chillin, killin." Plus, all the guy uses for scare tactics are calls to landline phones. He'd have to Facebook message me now, and even then, I'd have to constantly change my status on Twitter every time he stabbed me. It would just take up too much of both of our time.
2) Spanish TV- I wish my Spanish went beyond "Tu madre trabaja en la esquina," (Your mother works on the corner) Because I'm sure telanovelas have sweet dirty lies to tell. It is fun, though, to try to imagine what they're talking about. My guess is international diplomacy and nuclear physics.... Or how Pedro is sleeping around with Maria again. Pedro es un idiota.*
3) "Roll Bounce" starring Bow Wow and Meagan Good. A movie about black kids roller skating. Cause that's gangsta, Bow Wow. That's not quite what's meant by, "Everybody get your roll on." And Meagan, Meagan, Meagan. You used to be on "Cousin Skeeter." That show starred a puppet. Then you did Fiddy's "21 Questions" video, and that's the last time I saw you wear a shirt and pants at the same time.
4) Sisqo trying to make it on the reality competition, "Gone Country." Just to clarify here, this is an R&B singer who once crooned, "That thong tha-thong thong thong," trying to sing country.
5) "To Catch a Predator" re-runs. A snippet:
Host: "This is an online transcript of what you wrote to this 15-year-old girl."
Hapless Hornball: "Oh, no."
Host: "You wrote, 'I want to touch your sweet spot... I want to taste you.'"
HH: "Um, I was just kidding."
Host: "You wrote, 'I hope you're not the 5-0. Cause 15 will get me 20.' That's referring to you getting 20 years for being with a 15-year-old girl, correct?"
HH: (with a slight smile) "Well, I guess I'm getting 20 now."
You know what that guy got? Eight months. He got eight months in jail for telling a high school girl he wants to touch her sweet spot. And he had the harshest sentence out of all the guys- others got 30-90 days. WTF. I can practically get 30 days for not feeding my dog, writing bad checks or voting for Bush (actually, that gets you 4 years).
In related news, Hapless Hornball has already text messaged the Chinese gymnasts hoping to exchange Facebook pages and underwear.
Ok, that's that, although feel free to share late night stuff you've discovered.
A sweet post with a bit of a twist is coming up this weekend.
* My Latina friend, Logarithmic, pointed out that this sentence would mean Pedro is a she. What my friend doesn't realize was that, although my Spanish is terrible, I unwittingly outed Pedro after his sex-change operation. So, there.
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13 comments:
What picture? Was it the gymnast picture?
I liked your blog about not falling asleep, I have the same problem, including having excedrin for breakfast!!
Maybe it's the PA air.
Not to be critical or anything, but if Pedro es un idiota, he's actually a she. Way to put a Spanish feminine onto a male name. Apparently you need to brush up on tu espanol ;)
There are two men from Mexico who work with me - at my second job, a restaurant, to clarify. They constantly say "no bueno" to me and mutter sexual terms that, as a kid who took French for six years, I'm entirely unfamiliar with.
Thus, I'd like to thank you for ever-so-slightly expanding my Spanish vocabularly as I can now tell them their mother - they are brothers - works the corner. Sa-weet.
P.S.
The only phrase I know in Spanish is, "I don't give head." Go figure.
You're really missing out on my late night tv selections, one of which includes syndicated korean gameshows. they are so much more entertaining than the spanish soap operas. although, there is a very special place in my heart for those too.
donde estas los frijoles?!?
we always say this.. it kinda means where are the beans...
have you see 'to catch a predator on youtube'? much better than the real thing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O6-psmcDWps&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbQzoAYYoPc
how embarrassing... i saw scream too! but i watched it on the verge of a drunken slumber, so i think that's okay.
Ok, I think it's clear what we need. Logarithmic, can you do us Anglos a solid and supply us with some inappropriate/slanderous phrases in Spanish?
Motown- Why, praytell, is I don't give head the only phrase you know?
Haute- Why... Why... Why... Syndicated Koren game shows? Did you see that Fox has a new show, an Asian copy, where people conform their bodies into different shapes to pass through a wall?
Finger- Muy bien.
Sarah- Great links.
Jessie to Zack: "Listen, I can sing. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so...scared". That episode of SBTB gets me every time. I particularly enjoy their "music video" earlier in the episode. Those were some snazzy leotards. Your Jesse Spano reference of course led me to Youtube where I found this lovely video about "Hot Sundae". For your viewing pleasure: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8kFDj7RtXH4&feature=related
Don't forget about Carlton. He, too, took caffeine pills, which initially led him to tear up Bel Air's prom with an exaspirated rendition of the running man, but later led to him being forced into commercial acting and a desperate attempt at a second chance for fame via Dancing With The Stars.
So you want me to teach your blog readers dirty Mexican sayings, eh? I would, pero usted es un perro feo que come su propia mierda :) How's that for insulting?
...Learned it in 9th grade, back when it still held truth. I took French throughout high school (and college) and was jealous of my friends who could, sort of, speak to each other in Spanish. Thus, I asked for a quick phrase that I could say, and that's what I was given.
Of course, I have no idea how to say it in French, but at least in Paris, I'll be able to eat and converse.
C'est tout.
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