To discuss thoughts on fall TV premieres so far

Thoughts on some of the fall premieres so far....

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

• If you're not watching this show by now, you probably never will. And so the following will make no sense to you: Green Man. Day Man. Paddy's. Desert Rose. Rickety Cricket. And, as of the premiere last week, Bill Ponderosa.
• I could watch Kaitlin Olsen fake gag all day.
• I think at this point they just tell Charlie Day and Danny DeVito to just make up scenes and see what happens. And it's amazing. "Grab the 2 x 4. My back hurts too much..."

Watch again: Definitely

How I Met Your Mother

• Last season wasn't very good. Even the creators of the show said it. This season, however, got off to a good start. Robin was bummin' it, Barney called dibs, Marshall and Lily had banjo music ready for babymaking. Even Ted wasn't as much of a douche.
• I can't decide if Rachel Bilson is attractive.
• This season, supposedly, we should basically find out who the mother is. Thank the baby Jesus.

Watch again: Definitely

Mike & Molly

• Like Two and a Half Men and yes, even Big Bang Theory (all Chuck Lorre shows), this was hit or miss for me. Some of the jokes are just so obvious, you feel silly laughing. But some are genuinely original and well-executed.
• I'm always a Katy Mixon fan- fans of Eastbound & Down know her well. Can't wait for that show either, btw.
• Guessing CBS couldn't give the two overweight main characters overweight best friends. That would be too crazy.
• I hope the show develops into more than just a series of fat jokes with some romance in between, because I don't want to watch a fat guy break a table every week. Chris Farley did that the best, and no one has done it better since, so why keep doing it? P.S. He lives in a van down by the river.

Watch again: I'll give it a few more episodes

Hawaii Five-O

• I've liked Scott Caan ever since Gone in 60 Seconds, let alone Ocean's 11 and more recently, Entourage. So you know I enjoyed his performance.
• The other guy, whose name I won't bother looking up because, like his performance, it's not memorable, comes off too smug too like, too hardheaded to believe. He says one moment he and Danno should pursue bad guys to protect their own families, then he shoots guys left and right - guys who ostensibly have families of their own - with reckless abandon. It's a TV show, but you have to be a little consistent.
• I liked some of the writing style. The plot was ridiculous, because the governor would never appoint a one-man wrecking crew to pursue some terrorist, and that guy would never be able to track down that guy with untested partners so easily, even on (all together now) a TV show.
• The girl on their task force is wayyyyy too thin. Please feed her a pineapple or something. Her surfboard had more fat on it.

Watch again: Tivo, at least

The Event

• I liked Jason Ritter the most on the short-lived CBS show, "The Class," which was canceled despite having a cast that also consisted of Lizzy Caplan (Party Down), Jon Berthal (The Pacific) and Jesse Tyler Ferguson (Modern Family). I'm still bitter about that show being canceled.
• Blair Underwood continues to be one of those actors that keeps getting work but you can never quite figure out why. He's never impressive, but never terrible either.
• I'd like to think I have the patience to watch this type of show unfold. But I don't even have patience to fold laundry. We'll see if I can grow up.
• I hope "The Event" isn't something lame like "Tax Day" or "Black Friday shopping."

Watch again: Tivo, if only because I don't want this to turn into the next "Lost" and I miss the boat again

I'll give thoughts on more shows soon... and let me know if there are any new ones I should watch. If you say "#%& My Dad Says," I'll murder your first born.

To discuss Golden Globes commentary, 2010

The Hollywood Foreign Press Association had its annual awards Sunday night, despite no one yet coming forth with a reason why foreign press are giving awards to Hollywood. I covered the Golden Globe awards in 2009, back when Kate Winslet was winning everything and forgetting Angelina Jolie's name.

Here are my observations from a night of watching the 2010 Golden Globe awards with Capricorn. Do not read if you haven't seen the list of winners (at bottom):

• Billy Butler is the homeless man's Ryan Seacrest, only the homeless man is also a talentless hack.
  
• A lavish award show seems kind of silly when you think about what's going on in Haiti, even though I'm sure we'll spend tonight hearing endless acceptance speeches about how it's an honor to win, but let's think about Haiti. Katrina was so five years ago. It's not like some of those people are still homeless or destitute or something.
  
• Already like Ricky Gervais ... except he stole all my jokes for the night. At least he didn't steal my Angelina Jol... ah, c'mon!
• I'll already say this: All the Glee nominees are going to annoy me, especially Lea Michele. As Toni Collette wins for Best Actress in a TV Comedy, I'm glad to see producers still haven't figured out how to arrange the tables so that winners have to play Frogger to get to the front.
  
• How can I get the job of walking the actresses up the steps to the stage? You spend the entire night holding the arm of beautiful women and getting on TV. Not a fun job: Mavis Spencer's presenter role, which evidently including standing around and looking clueless. The last time I saw a beautiful women look that unprepared and awkward stage, she was talking about "opposite marriage."
  
• The Princess and the Frog's animation looks like VHS in a Blu-ray world.
  
• Felicity Huffman can't remember her lines. At least she's not a professional actress.
  
• Time for Best Actor in a TV Drama. Michael C. Hall has a beanie. Jon Hamm has a beard. Bill Paxton has three wives. Hall wins, and the beanie is because he has Hodgkin's lymphoma. What's Hamm's beard excuse?
• January Jones wasn't nominated for her stint as an SNL host? But it went so well! "Who watches this #%&?" Capricorn wonders, as Anna Paquin is passed over for Juliana Margulies. Capricorn, now bitter that nobody we like is winning, has an idea. "We should have our own awards show. Only shows we watch are included. We don't get Showtime so none of them are nominated." According to this method, Jersey Shore and House Hunters would win a boatload.
  
• WTF, Harrison Ford? Heavy breathing. Awkward pacing. Weird glances. Bad jokes. Capricorn: "I feel like I'm going to get raped."
• "That was my beautiful girlfriend that I aspire to be like," Capricorn said after seeing a glimpse of Kate Winslet. Um, I think I just got dumped.
  
• It's to the point that Cher looks like a drag queen playing Cher.
• I imagine during commercial breaks there are all these famous actresses, like Kate Winslet and Helen Mirren, vying for a bathroom stall, and some random girl who snuck in, like Tara Reid, is hogging the toilet and trying not to get kicked out.
• Meryl Streep wins Best Actress in a Comedy, as Capricorn points out Sharon Stone, who said Meryl looks like "an unmade bed," wasn't winning any Golden Globes lately. Of course, Meryl's acceptance speech is three times as long as the Up guys, but you don't hear them bust out the "stop talking" music on her. I think that's against the unwritten rules.
  
• Side note: Capricorn has been singing "Cinema Italiano" from "Nine" over and over this entire time.
• Gerard Butler: "It's an honor for us to present this award together." Jennifer Aniston: "*pause*... Yep, it is." If that wasn't a one-night stand gone wrong awkwardness, I don't know what is ... District 9, which I loved, doesn't win Best Screenplay; Up in the Air wins. Capricorn says we better watch all of these random movies before the Oscars, as she remembers we were making fun of "Slumdog Millionaire" last year when it won. Good point. We better watch "The Ugly Truth."
  
• Steve Carell never wins for "The Office," even though he's nominated every year. Maybe that's why every time they call his name, he looks like he's going to cry.
  
• Cutting short the foreign language film director winner- that's ethnic intimidation, Golden Globe people.
  
• Big Love loses to Mad Men for best TV Series Drama. When will America start to embrace polygamy? ... Wait, they just did! Chloë Sevigny wins for Best Supporting Actress... I mean Chloi Sevigny, according to the graphic. Did she become a Japanese fish and not tell anyone? Or wasn't she satisfied with her umlaut?
  
• Martin Scorsese wins the Cecil B DeMille Award for his cameo appearance in Season 3 of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Oh, and for his movies. He thanks everyone for spending time and money "to preserve film." Was there some mass conspiracy to eliminate all movies that I missed? "Hey, it's the original copy of Wizard of Oz. Let's use it as a Frisbee."
• I was under the mistaken impression "The Hurt Locker" was about the time Slater punched a locker after he heard Preppy asked out Kelly to the prom first.
  
• I haven't seen "Avatar." I have no idea what it's about, except that the visuals are amazing and the storyline is mediocre. Which is the same thing you can say about porn. But, hey, James Cameron, good for you. Now you can afford a haircut and stop looking like the after-dinner entertainment for a luau.
  
• Glee beats out Capricorn's and my preference for Best Comedy, Modern Family (I would have been cool with Entourage, 30 Rock or The Office, too). Well, at least I won't have to endure #gleegotrobbed as a trending topic on Twitter all day Monday.
• Not going to be nominated next year: "When In Rome." Sorry, Kristen Bell.
• I hope Mike Tyson punches James Cameron in the face sometime tonight. Who wouldn't watch that? I'm very glad The Hangover won, but I think it's disgraceful they didn't invite the tiger on stage to accept the award.
  
• I think they should choose category winners by who will give good acceptance speeches. So, Sandra Bullock/Robert Downey Jr., yes, James Cameron/Drew Barrymore, no. Drunk Mickey Rourke gets a lifetime pass.
• Avatar wins the top honor of the night, as it should, considering it made enough money to save Haiti all on its own. (Hey, James Cameron wore a ribbon. Let's not go overboard with this charity stuff.) So nice of him to ask famous actors to applaud for themselves for entertaining people. Hey, with that in mind, how about all you bloggers give yourselves a big round of applause for entertaining each other. But don't actually applaud. Cause that's weird.
  

For your reference, here's the list of the 2010 Golden Globe winners:

Best Supporting Actress, Movie: Mo'Nique, Precious
Best Actress, TV Comedy Series/Miniseries: Toni Collette, United States of Tara
Best Supporting Actor, TV Series: John Lithgow, Dexter
Best Animated Feature: Up
Best Actor, TV Drama: Michael C Hall, Dexter
Best Actress, TV Drama: Juliana Margulies, The Good Wife
Best Original Song: "The Weary Kind", Crazy Heart
Best Original Score: Up
Best Mini-Series/TV Movie: Grey Gardens
Best Actress in a Movie Comedy: Meryl Streep, Julie and Julia
Best Actor, TV Miniseries or Movie: Kevin Bacon, Taking Chance
Best Actress, TV Miniseries or Movie: Drew Barrymore
Best Screenplay: Up In the Air writers
Best Actor, TV Comedy/Musical: Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock
Best Foreign Language Film: The White Ribbon
Best TV Series Drama: Mad Men
Best Supporting Actress, TV: Chloë Sevigny
Best Supporting Actor, Movie: Christoph Waltz, Inglorious Basterds
Cecil B. DeMille Award: Martin Scorsese
Best Director, Movie: James Cameron
Best TV Series, Comedy/Musical: Glee
Best Comedy/Musical Movie: The Hangover
Best Actress, Movie Drama: Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side
Best Actor, Movie Comedy: Robert Downey Jr., Sherlock Holmes
Best Actor, Movie Drama: Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart
Best Movie, Drama: Avatar

To discuss a year in review, with the top music, TV and movies... and the worst

Everyone and their mother, as well as their step-mother, baby mama, and their sugar mama, has been making lists to celebrate the demise of 2009.

Some even more adventurous people have been doing best of the decade stuff, which I think are a tad ridiculous. I was in high school a decade ago. My tastes in everything - my taste in girls- were all different. I had freaking braces a decade ago. How could I possibly evaluate what was good at the start of the decade, when I was basically a different person? And how can you compare, say, the hottest women of the decade - some of them were in middle school at the beginning of the decade. I guess you could rank middle school girls now to get a head start on 2020, while I'll get a head start on 2035 by ranking fetuses.

What I can do is look back at 2009, using my ever-handy Month in Reviews (minus May, which I skipped), and show you my list of the best music, TV and movies I experienced. Some of these were made before 2009, but I heard/watched them now, so I figure that counts. I mean, who has the time to check out all the new movies the same year they are released? Out of the top 10 grossing movies this year, I haven't seen any of them (nor will I for some, as there's no good reason to see Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen unless the "fallen" indicates Megan Fox's shirt, and even then, she'd still be talking, so what's the point?).

At the bottom, you'll find some of the worst stuff that came out in 2009. I was hard-pressed to think of bad movies, as I tend not to pay to watch crappy new movies, as I tend not to be rich.

What do you think of my selections? Can you offer some suggestions? Do not try to disagree about my inclusion of "Jersey Shore," or we'll have a Situation.

Best Music:
December: "Forever" Drake; "Shake It Out" Manchester Orchestra (Ed. note: Not included: Christmas Shoes.)
November: "In Case of Rapture" As Tall As Lions
October: "Wishing Well" Airborne Toxic Event
September: "Make Her Say" Kid Cudi (Ed. note: Yeah, everybody did a remix of "Poker Face," but this was among the better ones. Even if Kanye was on it.)
August: "Ignorance" Paramore
July: "Old White Lincoln" Gaslight Anthem
June: "Panic Switch" Silversun Pickups
April: "Zero" Yeah Yeah Yeahs
March: "Crack the Shutters" Snow Patrol
February: "Blue Ridge Mountains" Fleet Foxes (Ed. note: Kind of like the Beach Boys for the 2000s)
January: "A Milli," Lil Wayne; "In My Head," Your Vegas

Best TV:
December: Jersey Shore; Teen Mom (Ed. note: Jersey Shore is all the things we love about Real World, without the thinly veiled promise of emotional depth. Snookie gets punched in the face! The Situation has too many girls trying to get in his hot tub! J-Woww saw Pauly D's little Italian! Ronnie is an obvious HGH user! ... Teen Mom, on the other hand, is the best of True Life and one of the most accurate portrayals of lower middle class/working poor teen life I've seen. Plus, I love Gary, who most recently got slapped in the face by Amber. Love you, Gar!)
November: Tabatha's Salon Takeover (Ed. note: Bravo's best reality show)
October: Curb Your Enthusiasm; It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (Ed. note: Charlie: "I'm a full on rapist." Disturbed date: "You mean a philanthropist?")
September: Community
August: Hard Knocks (Ed. note: This year, it focused on the Cincinatti Bengals ... who went on this NFL season to win their division while also suffering the death of teammate Chris Henry)
July: So You Think You Can Dance
June: True Blood; 16 and Pregnant
April: Eastbound and Down (Ed. note: I'm Kenny F*$@%@$ Powers)
March: Make Me a Supermodel; Big Love (Ed. note: MMS is everything Top Model wants to be, plus it actually uses the catwalk every episode; Big Love is one of the best written shows around)
February: American Idol
January: Property Virgins (Ed. note: I'd say this is a guilty pleasure, but I don't feel guilty for watching. I feel wonderful. That, and Sandra has such nicely-tailored outfits. I feel I should reward her by watching.)

Best Movie:
December: It's Complicated; Julie and Julia (Ed. note: My whole family went to see It's Complicated, and we all liked it. John Krasinski has a funny line every time he speaks, and who doesn't like Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin?)
November: Australia; The Goods
October: Zombieland (Ed. note: Humor and zombies and Bill Murray and Twinkies. There isn't a downside.)
September: I Love You, Man; Adventureland
August: Eagle Eye
July: The Proposal (Ed. note: Much better than it needed to be. Ryan Reynolds is the most underrated actor in Hollywood. Right? Well, he and Mark Paul Gosselaar.)
June: Star Trek
April: The Reader
March: Fast and Furious (Ed. note: I was 18 when the first Fast and Furious came out. And I still love it. That means either the movies have matured as I've grown older, or I haven't matured as more movies came out. Let's be real and go with B.)
February: Pineapple Express; He's Just Not That Into You
January: The Wrestler (Ed. note: Just watched it again on HBO. Marisa Tomei is incredibly naked the entire movie. And yet, Mickey Rourke is the most mesmerizing thing on screen. How is that possible?)

Among the worst:
TV:
NYC Prep, Bravo
This had all the worst qualities of Bravo reality shows, namely "Real Housewives," all rolled into one. Pretentious, snobby kids. Drama over non-events. Greediness. Shallowness. Bad hair. Talking about poor people but really meaning middle class people. More bad hair. Names that make you want to gag.

Runner-up: Accidentally on Purpose, CBS

Movie:
Bride Wars
I expect this from Kate Hudson, but Anne Hathaway? She didn't have a better script available? The whole movie made it seem like women will stop at nothing to get the perfect wedding, even at the expense of their best friend. And that women care more about the wedding than the man they are marrying. And that Kate Hudson is desirable.

Music:
"No Surprise" Daughtry
I generally don't hold a grudge when a really bad song is successful, as sometimes people like to play stuff that is so bad, it's good, i.e. "Party in the USA." But "No Surprise" isn't that. It's not a poorly crafted song. It's just mediocre. And it sounds like every Creed knock-off already out there. That's a far worse offense. Let's face it. Chris Daughtry is still moping for losing out to Taylor Hicks, Katherine McLegs and the Amish Guy.
Runner-up:
"Fire Burning" Sean Kingston; "I Gotta Feeling" Black Eyed Peas

To discuss reasons why Glee isn't all that and a bag of flamboyant singers

There are a few things you aren't allowed to bash within social media conversations:
1) Mental retardation
2) The Holocaust, unless it's an Anne Frank joke
3) Glee

I bashed Glee, the new Fox series about a high school glee club full of whores, losers and jocks, on a Tweet last week.

Almost immediately, some of my real-life friends defended the show, as if saying Glee is garbage is akin to saying Mother Theresa is a Slutty McSlutterson.

I'm all for people having their own opinion, but saying Glee is fantastic is just bewildering. Hey, I want this show to be good, but it's not.

Instead of letting Fox give you propaganda, I decided to write a counterargument. So, here are reasons why Glee is more overrated than winning American Idol.

It's unrealistic:

1. The show is based on the premise it is uncool to be in glee club. Considering the wild success of American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance and High School Musical, among others, are we really supposed to believe kids are still ostracized the same way now about singing in a glee club they would've been a few decades ago?
2. Cory Monteith, who plays high school senior Finn, is 27 years old in real life. Matthew Morrison, who plays Will, the glee club adviser, is just three years older. It's just one of many examples of the adults and students all looking like they are about the same age.
   
3. Finn is led to believe he knocked up his abstinent girlfriend, Quinn (Finn/Quinn as names is another reason, really), by sperm floating through hot tub water. So we're supposed to feel bad the guy is dealing with the thought of being a teenage dad, and yet skip over the fact he is gullible enough to believe he has super sperm?
   
4. The high school principal constantly says the school has no money, but the cheerleading team gets a massive budget, and they can decide to put on a full musical and hire a director on a whim.
5. Everyone in the glee club has quit at least once, and Will, the adviser, barely seems to make it to practice, and yet not only does the group still think they can win competitions, but they have perfect harmonies when they sing, despite barely rehearsing and having little background experience.

It lacks believability

1. The show producers decided to give the show a more polished feel, so the musical numbers-- the lifeblood of the show-- are lip synched. That's fine, but they are lip synched with all the accuracy and aplumb of Ashley Simpson on SNL. That gives it less of a "look at what these kids can do when they pull together" feel and more of a "look at what these studio singers can do after a few hours of sound mixing." Fox must think I'm Mr. Tuttle and the glee club is using a boombox underneath the risers*. (*Saved by the Bell reference. Please tell me you got it.)
   
2. At one point, the club sings Salt-n-Pepa's "Push It," complete with jaw-dropping pelvic thrusts, during a school assembly. If this ever actually happened, the adviser would get fired and all the kids would be suspended. If the most popular girl in school, Quinn, is saying she's a conservative Christian, then you'd have to think there's a big Bible Belt movement in the town, and they'd flip out knowing kids were singing "Push It." Even though the principal later gives them an approved list of songs to sing, they still practice whatever they want.
   
3. Although it was entertaining, the football team did the Beyonce "Single Ladies" dance during their game. While that could be overlooked, what can't be overlooked is that the producers evidently have no idea how football works. They would have had a bunch of delay of game/illegal motion penalties, and beyond that, this team is supposed to be horrible and they were only down 6-0 at the end of the game?
4. The glee club decides to hire another adviser on their own, and somehow raise thousands of dollars in a single car wash to do it. That's one nice school system that lets a club secretly hire their own adviser, especially a bigoted, sexist one.
   
5. Kristin Chenoweth was a guest star whose character was a former glee club star back when she and Will went to school; she since has become a slutty drunk. In perhaps the biggest aggravation of all, her character was allowed to: enroll in school to finish her degree (not night school. regular high school), give kids alcohol during the school day with little repercussion, and sleep with high school football players, all so the glee club could have a new leading lady that so obviously would not work out.
   

And there are weird story lines/production decisions

1. Finn and Rachel, the main Glee girl, are supposed to be in a "will they or won't they" thing, Finn and Quinn are dealing with her pregnancy, Will's wife is pretending she's pregnant, Will and teacher Emma like each other but can't do anything about it, Will is fighting cheerleading coach Jane Lynch for money and power, Will wants to start his own a capella group, one of the Glee kids is gay and has to tell his dad, one of the Glee kids is in a wheelchair... it goes on and on. And that's just a few episodes in. For great lengths of time, the glee club isn't even mentioned. In Friday Night Lights, they barely play football, but the storylines are good enough you don't mind. Here, it's like a car engine without oil. And the little musical vignettes of characters singing randomly don't cut it, especially with its one of the girls singing "Bust Your Window Out Your Car" after throwing a rock through the gay guy's windshield-- I haven't seen something that staged since Kanye West told us Beyonce had the best music video.
   
2. The funniest character, Jane Lynch's cheerleading coach, gets minimal screen time.
3. The role model for the kids, Will, has, thus far, quit on the club, almost cheated on his pregnant wife (he thought she was pregnant at the time), brought in a singing ringer in a move that, if I was a high schooler, would make me feel incredibly insecure, and generally paid very little regard to actually building up a glee club.
4. In moments that actually seem tender or sincere, the "bada bada bah" goofy a capella song snippets play to transition the scene, almost as if to say, "Hey, we almost got a little too realistic there." But, on the other hand, there are times when the show doesn't seem like it wants to be cartoonish and instead wants to show viewers, "High school is just like this!" It's High School Musical meets Dawson's Creek, except you want Dawson to murder everyone in the school.
   
5. Quinn always, always, always wears her cheerleading uniform.

So, there you go-- feel free to debate. I was just getting overwhelmed with all of these TV promos exalting the show as musical Jesus.

Tonight, there's a new episode. Watch if you want. But don't say I didn't warn you.

To discuss a Month in Review: July

July went by so quickly that I almost forgot to do a Month in Review. Before I forget all that happened, here's my rundown.

Favorite movie: "The Proposal" Ryan Reynolds is who I want to be when I grow up. He's like the more advanced version of me, the homo sapien to my homo erectus*. And his abs are pretty. On a non bromance note, there are a surprising number of laugh-out-loud moments (thanks, Betty White) and some nice old-school hip-hop. Yep.

Runner-up: "Stardust" Yeah, I'm surprised, too, but Robert DeNiro makes a great flamboyant gay pirate, and Claire Danes is just so Claire Danes-ee.

Least favorite movie: "The Breakup" I almost forgot Jennifer Aniston walks around naked in this movie. And even that was kind of a letdown, as she's eternally PG-13 naked on magazines, anyway. The big reason this movie is on here? The ending. Won't ruin it, but there's a feeling the director forgot to include the last scene.

Favorite song: "Old White Lincoln" Gaslight Anthem. Think "Friday I'm In Love." Same style. I heart this band in a total Tiger Beat fan club way. Runner-up: "Since We've Been Wrong," Mars Volta, "Winter Song," Sara Barailles (it was on So You Think You Can Dance)

Least favorite song: "No Surprise" Daughtry. The 2000's Creed.

Favorite album: "'59 Sound," Gaslight Anthem. Check out High Lonesome and the title track in particular.

Best TV Show: "So You Think You Can Dance" Everything that's wrong with American Idol is right with SYTYCD. Better judges. More memorable performances. Much better host.

Worst TV show: "Michael Jackson SpectacleMemorial." That was just creepy, like a morbid Grammys. I couldn't stop watching it, and yet, on the other hand, who gave a crap about Michael Jackson in the past 10 years? That's not to undermine his impact, but after listening to all those eulogies, you'd think he saved the world from sin by moonwalking up Calvary. He sang catchy pop music and contribued to the "Free Willy" sountrack. Legend? Sure. Relevant? If it wasn't for his child molestation stuff, would anyone have talked about him this decade?

Best moment: Going to Virginia for a wedding and a trip to Mt. Vernon. There is now photographic proof of the alleged "Tearing Up My Heart" performance, led by the groom and groomsman and the only guy not wearing a suit, me.
Runner-up: My first Fourth of July with Capricorn. Fourth of July is the most romantic of holidays- Christmas has too much happy holidays pressure, New Year's is only about one second, Valentine's Day is a bit forced, and Easter is about my favorite guy dying. Fourth of July, well, that's about America Rock Flag and Eagle. If you're not an "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" fan, please disregard that statement. If you are, then enjoy this:


Worst moments: Getting caught in D.C. traffic, which reminded me of getting caught in Connecticut traffic, which reminded me of being doused in hydrocholoric acid and transportation failure.

Worst decision: Not having a more lucrative career, so I can go on splurges when I visit the biggest mall in all the land.

Favorite Blog Post by Me: Wasn't even on my site. Plus, I think I offered some good social media advice.

Favorite Blog Entry by Someone Else: Although much more adult-contenty that some might like, I enjoyed Zan's TMI about something that was loss, and then found. It's not the prodigal son, I'll just say that. Hysterical.

Blogger of the Month: In a long overdue award, let me give some praise to Min-D, who, among other things, delved into the hidden meaning of a certain Britney Spears song. I confess it took me a bit to also realize Britney isn't some Cold Case detective searching for a runaway named Amy. Consider this award a belated birthday present, Min-D.

------------------------
* heh.

Coming soon: Review of Maxim and Cosmo.

To discuss a Month in Review: June, and I'm back

I'm back, and bigger* and better** than ever! (* Actually, not bigger. Curse you, Extenze!) (** Actually, not better. Curse you, lack of ability!)

Well, I'm still back. It's been a month since I was last blogging. I most definitely needed June off, as I spent precious few minutes at home in between work and the musical, "Sound of Music." There really was no time for blogging, and, as you may recall, Capricorn told me I was "half-assing it," so I decided it was better to take a break (Not like a Ross and Rachel break... a real break) and then come back full force.

So what have you missed? Here's the Month in Review, which hopefully will get you up to speed so we can get right back into things with all the ferocity of Jon & Kate plus Hate.

Favorite movie: "Star Trek" My mom used to make all of us watch Star Trek: The Next Generation, so I'm a Trekky by association. Capricorn had never watched any of it. But we were both more than pleased with this latest installment, which was, in a hyphenated exaggeration, kick-me-in-the-crotch-fantastic. Runner-up: "Bottleshock" Kind of like Sideways, in that it focuses in wine, except subtract Sandra Oh getting jackhammered and add Alan Rickman being pithy and droll. Oh, and Chris Pine (Star Trek's Kirk) is in this, too.

Least favorite movie: "Summer Catch." MTV showed this for some reason, and, like a car wreck or cleavage at an inappropriate moment, I couldn't keep my eyes off it. Jessica Biel and Freddie Prinze Jr are the bizarro Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio. And Biel wasn't even hot in this movie-- not even 7th Heaven hot! Technically, I watched this July 1, but I need to write this now to warn others. Runner up: "Max Payne." I love Mark Wahlberg-- "Hey goat. So you live in a barn? I like that about you. I was in The Italian Job. Say hey to your motha for me."-- but this is just bloody awful.

Favorite song: "Panic Switch" Silversun Pickups, "Best I Ever Had," Drake.

Least favorite song: "Fire Burning" Sean Kingston. Sean Kingston's formula: (Formulaic, limited range chorus) + the phrase "Shorty" + a Jamaican accent x incessant radio spins=Top 40 hit - (Andy's will to live).

Favorite album: "It's Blitz" Yeah Yeah Yeahs. "Zero" and "Heads Will Roll" are stellar.

Best TV Show: "True Blood," HBO. At least, I think it's the best TV show. I was catching up on season 1, and then HBO decided not to offer those episodes anymore and switch to season 2. So, I'm stuck at the fourth episode. So far, it's been lots of vampire sex and strange happenings. Runner-up: "Sixteen and Pregnant," MTV. I can't get enough of these teens getting knocked up! Capricorn and I personally enjoyed the the guy who bought his pregnant girlfriend an engagement ring at Wal-mart for $25, after he had spent $300 on a Playstation. It's the thought that counts. And the ring. But mostly, the thought.

Worst TV show: "Silent Library" MTV. Might be their dumbest show to date, which is saying something. The show is about people playing "Jackass"-style silent games in the library and trying not to make noise. Their next show idea? Sustained silent reading.

Best idea: Signing up for Tweetdeck, which has made tweeting much, much easier. So, please follow me @wildarschase. I'd rather not talk to myself anymore than I already do.

Best moments: Getting back on stage, and, more specifically, hearing that applause every night and acting with some great people. Plus, I had a legitimate reason to sing every day. Runner-up: Capricorn's birthday!

Worst moments: Everyone famous died (except Hugh Hefner, who refuses to die). In particular, Billy Mays died. My "As Seen on TV Week" now seems much more like a tribute.

Worst decision: Having to abandon the blog for a month, although it was necessary.

Favorite Photos: Here's a few Sound of Music photos. I'd love to put up video, but I was reminded that's a big copyright no-no to show footage of a licensed show. If it helps, Capricorn, who had never seen me in a musical, said she was impressed enough that she thinks I should keep doing shows, even if that means not being home a ton. That means a lot. Or it means she wants me out of the house... If I figure out a way to get some singing footage on here, I'll do it.

Favorite Blog Entry by Someone Else: I took a break from blog reading too, for the most part, but I do want to give a retro-active nod to one of my longterm blogfriends, Amy XXOO, and the great, albeit surprising, news she received in June. When I first read about it weeks later, I did a Tom & Jerry worthy jaw drop... Please, please let me know if there was any life-changing news in any of your blog posts so I can catch up (or any changes to your web site address). Otherwise, I'll just assume you snorted cocaine/murdered kittens/cut down the rain forest or whatever you usually do.

Blogger of the Month (here's March's winner): No winner for June, since I didn't fully check out blogs, but I have fallen in love with textsfromlastnight.com and fmylife.com. Please enjoy. They are KSFW (kinda safe for work)

Thanks for coming back... you will be rewarded in heaven, or in the post-death afterlife of your choosing.

To discuss a Month in Review: April showers bring... rain. What did you expect?

I wasn't aware April ended until a coworker told me. I figured I'd better do the April Month in Review, then, before May finishes on me, too.

Favorite movie: "The Reader." Capricorn had been wanting to see this since it came out, as she already read the book. I knew absolutely nothing about the movie, going into it, beyond: A) Kate Winslet got lots of award consideration for it; B) Kate Winslet would be naked, again; and C) It had something to do with reading. After seeing it, A) I can see why she got award consideration. She's such a fantastic actress that B) unlike other actresses that frequently get naked, you pay attention to the acting and not the nakedness; and C) It was a nice reminder that not only will illiteracy stifle your social life, it might also get you tossed in prison for war crimes. Let's see that slogan on Reading Rainbow, Levar! Runner up: "Notorious" out of the newer movies I saw; "Braveheart" out of the older.

Least favorite movie: "Stomp the Yard." Meagan Good is in it. And then... uh... well, Meagan Good is in it. I remember that part. And there was a lot of dancing. Runner up: Talledega Nights. I love baby Jesus, but I also love plot development.

Favorite song: "Ride Like the Wind" Christopher Cross. Not my selection. It's Capricorn's. She loves Christopher Cross. Please help me understand.

Least favorite song: "The Climb," Miley Cyrus. Please notify me when she stops being famous.

Favorite album: "Sound of Music" soundtrack. At least it better be. I'll be hearing those songs nonstop for the next two months.

Best TV Show: "Eastbound and Down." One of the raunchiest, dirtiest, unapologetic shows I've seen in a while. This HBO show (produced by Will Ferrell) stars the guy who was the explosives expert on "Tropic Thunder" as a down-and-out ex-ballplayer vying for a comeback. In the meantime, he's teaching middle school gym and trying to bang his high school sweetheart. One of the funniest shows this side of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia."

Worst TV show: "College Life." MTV, do we really need a show with college freshmen filming themselves? If we wanted voyeurism, aren't we supposed to watch "Real World"?

Best idea: "As Seen on TV Week" was a rousing success. All of you are a little too excited about infomercials.

Best moments: Doing a murder-mystery, and then auditioning for "Sound of Music" and getting the role of Max. I promise to keep you updated.

Worst moments: Taking some of my furlough days (unpaid time off), which had me verging on Little Debbie territory. At one point, Capricorn bought me a Little Debbie cake just so I could say I had one.

Worst decision: Not having my spam filter on when writing about infomercials, which attracted Ed the Spammer. But we got back at Ed, didn't we?

Favorite Blog Entry by Me: Could it be anything else?

Favorite Blog Entry by Someone Else: I found a few new sites this month. I discovered Melbotis, who wrote about his experiences at Chuck E. Cheese. Sample: "And, of course, the kicking and hitting began as Chuck uttered some profanities and retreated to the stage door."... check out this entry at yousuckatcraigslist.com. It'll make you take a vow of celibacy... and, just in time for spring, here's Cadence and her thoughts on the wrong people wearing shorts.

Blogger of the Month (here's March's winner): Some of you have said you're impressed with my 90s knowledge. But just take a look at Children of the 90s. She will blow you away. Just in the time I started reading her blog a few weeks ago, she's written about Bill Nye the Science Guy, Lunchables, and MTV's "Singled Out." I have no idea how she gets so much information on all this stuff. And so, Children of the 90s, you are a most deserving winner of the Wild ARS Blogger of the Month award. As Ug and Budnick might sing, "Children of the 90s, we hold you in our heart, and when we think about you, it makes us..." well, it makes us want to read more.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Bromance Is For Lovers

After last week's manlove fest, could MTV's "Bromance" get any stranger and more homoerotic this week?
You bet your tighty whities! It's another Bromance Play by Play.

:02 Brody gets right into the action by asking Lauren Conrad to come interview the bros, Dating Game style. I'm disappointed he didn't ask former best bro Spencer Pratt to do this. It would have been high comedy, just as it was watching that ridiculous MTV live wedding marathon hosted by Spencer and Heidi on New Year's Day. Actual conversation- Spencer to groom: "Hey, your fiance just told me she's got cold feet. You willing to back out too?" Groom: "Uh..." Spencer: "Just kidding man, I just made that up. Haha! I got you."
:04 Gary is wholeheartedly trying to replace my title as Straight Dude with Way Too Many Gay Tendencies (it comes with a trophy, a Banana Republic gift card and a lack of male friends who can fix cars or drink lagers). When Lauren asks him why he'd be a good boyfriend, Gary responds he likes to shop and loves to cuddle. He later compliments her shoes. In a related development, Gary gets his own spinoff, "Bromance II: I'll Consider 'It' If I Get to be Pitcher and He Gets to Be Catcher."
:07 Alex wins the challenge. Femi, who went crazy last episode and called himself animal names, can't believe he lost, despite the fact he's lost every time. He's clueless, like the creepy older guy who goes clubbin' and tries to dance with your girl friends. In 50 years, I expect Femi to be grinding on some scared college sophomore and calling himself a "Bald Eagle."
:13 It wouldn't be Bromance without some homoerotic action: Brody's real life best friends bust in on him while he's taking a shower. Brody can't believe they did this, despite the fact the cameraman was filming before they entered. What was that cameraman thinking before they entered? "So... Brody... this is awkward."
:18 Annndddd all the guys have their shirts off, again, a Brotrait of this show. This time it's for a Slip 'n' Slide Jered put together using garbage bags, a sprinkler and lube water. The guys are supposed to come up with an activity that represents them and would impress Brody. And yet Jered chose a Slip 'n' Slide, evidently because lathering sunscreen on each other would be just a little too over the top.
:23 Alex cements his spot as a future "OMG He's so CUTE" teen girl's text when he plays guitar and sings. Gary cements his spot as a future "OMG He's so CUTE" teen boy's text when he conducts a dance class and gets into a dance-off with Femi.
:35 Femi's activity is hygiene advice. That idea bombs, so he takes the next logical step and gets a tattoo. I literally stopped the Tivo when he announced this, not because it was going to be a near-replica of the lettering Brody has on his ribs, but because I couldn't believe the tattoo wasn't a tramp stamp of a butterfly. That would be more Bromantical, right?
:45 The other guys ask Femi why he got the tattoo. Femi ignores the question and proceeds to go off about his dead homies back in Orlando. "Family is all I got," Femi says, which is why he auditioned for a reality show thousands of miles away to be the best friend of a stranger.
:48 It's elimination time. Brody says Jered shouldn't have told Lauren that he likes to look at a girl's ass. Brody, that was about the only straight, girl-loving comment I've heard on the series so far. Let the man speak.
:50 Brody respects Femi for getting a tattoo... and for keeping ratings up. Femi stays, allowing him another week's worth of comparing himself to animals and shouting at bystanders, not unlike an overzealous zookeeper.
:55 Down to two guys: Jered and Gary. To make the decision about who gets booted off, Brody says he wants to "handle it like men." In the spirit of Bromance, I can only hope it's Greco-Roman wrestling or something involving the words "prostate."
:57 Nope. Brody had them blindfolded (kinky, but...) and then shot Jered with a paintball gun, marking him a goner. I think a mechanical bull would have been more appropriate for Bromance. Maybe next week.

To discuss a letter to Fall Television Season

Dear Fall Television Season:

You owe me this month. Like any television viewer, I have an attention span that makes a goldfish seem like Rainman. But I have not forgotten how you screwed me last fall.

Sure, it was for legitimate reasons—you wanted to better compensate writers—but after months of re-runs and Howie Mandel’s dramatic game show pauses and My Sweet 16, I wanted you to offer that refreshing breath into my viewing lungs, as ill-fitting and nonsensical as that metaphor seems.

This year, you’re strike free and back in action. You better deliver. It’s been so long since some of my favorite shows have been on, I’ve been keeping an eye on Nick at Nite in case they are already put in syndication between Home Improvement and Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (btw, TV- how are those shows already on that station? Those shows only went off air in the past decade. What’s next, Sex and the City and The Sopranos?)
Here’s your job this autumn, FTS. I need to be reminded why I love The Office, which wasn’t quite as good last year. FTS, will Jim still propose to Pam? Will Dwight and Angela get back together, creating the worst day in Andy Bernard’s life since he got stuck drifting away in that sumo suit?

I could care less about most other NBC premieres, save for 30 Rock and Heroes. They’d probably get more viewers just showing re-runs of their old Must See TV line-up of Mad About You, Friends, Seinfeld and the fourth show that always sucked (Will and Grace, Third Rock from the Sun, Barney and Friends). That line-up used to be the shiznit. I totally underappreciated Helen Hunt back then, perhaps because I was 12. Now, she’s in my top three most attractive actresses-over-40 club, along with Marisa Tomei and your mom.*

And my CBS favorites will be back next week, FTS. Make sure they are kick-me-in-the-crotch fantastic. I do have lingering questions, too. Will Big Bang Theory be as delightfully geeky, including as much on-screen time of Sheldon and Penny together as possible?

On How I Met Your Mother, will Ted propose to Stella, and will Barney come up with new levels of awesomeness that will be legend… wait for it…** Can you sneak one past CBS executives, FTS, and bring back The Class? These questions need answered.

On FOX, there’s the always excellent House— will Wilson ever forgive House after his girlfriend died in that accident? —­­ and there’s…um…Hole in the Wall? Are you bloody kidding me, FTS? Who green lighted this piece of crap? The entire show is based on people contorting their bodies to pass through Holes in a Freaking Wall. FOX is now one desperate step away from live telecasts of executions. And don’t think for one second people won’t watch that, either. Half of my readers just got giddy at the thought.

FTS, if ABC has anything good on beside Grey's Anatomy, let me know. I gave up on them after Step by Step went off the air. Dancing With the Stars just doesn’t do it for me anymore, although I may tune in to see Kim Kardashian fall on her butt and bounce back up like it’s rubber. I know some people love Lost, but I missed the first season and I just don’t feel like catching up, FTS, just like I missed that whole Harry Potter thing I keep hearing about. I mean, I’m just catching on to Goosebumps.***

FTS, I’m so glad you’re back, but you’ve got a lot of ground to make up. If this season doesn’t live up to my unreasonable expectations, I’ll go back to watching Seinfeld re-runs.**** And that’s a show about nothing, FTS. There’s also the chance I’ll actually get a life and be out with people, possibly even a woman, and won’t need your services…

Oh, don’t get jealous. You know I love you like Paris Hilton loves night vision cameras.

Love ya,

Andy

* Oh, I went there, yo..

** -Dary.

*** Just kidding. I read all those books. That, and Matt Christopher. “Catcher with a Glass Arm” was The Truth.

**** Other excellent options beyond re-runs, only on cable: It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia on FX, To Catch a Thief on Discovery (people allow ex-burglars to break into their home, while they watch on closed-circuit TV. It’s awesome) and America’s Next Top Possibility to Have Her Modeling Career Spectacularly Flame Out in Department Store Catalog Desperation, on the CW.

In case you missed it, a reminder: Any questions you’d like answered by me about anything—and I mean, anything—leave them in the comments or e-mail me at wildarschase@yahoo.com. Whenever I get enough questions, I’ll run a feature. But, you know, it’s not called Answer and Answer…Also, I created a Facebook fan page, so that’s another easy way to share this page with others. There’s a photo of my chiweenie on that page, if that catches your interest.

To discuss trying to go to sleep

I was going to take today off from blogging. Really. I've had about 25 posts in two weeks, which makes me feel like a prolific blogger on the level of perez hilton, and I don't even rely on celebrity crotch shots (that's year two).
But I couldn't get to sleep last night, which was a problem. I needed to get up for an early shirt at work, which inevitably leads the next morning to not shaving, taking ibuprofen and wishing I knew how to get speed (or find out what it looks like, for that matter). I know the horror stories, though. I know Jessie Spano took all those caffeine pills to stay alert and got 'So Excited,' but she crashed and burned and ruined the Hot Sundaes chance at fame. I don't want to hit that wall; that wall leads to doing "Showgirls" in a few years.

So as I tried to go to sleep, I turned the tv on. I could hardly believe the quality that I would have missed had I been asleep... A few selections:
1) Scream: Is it me, or is this movie not scary anymore? And I completely forgot Drew Barrymore is in it. But ever since "Scary Movie," all I think of is the guy with the mask doing the Budweiser commercial- "Chillin, killin." Plus, all the guy uses for scare tactics are calls to landline phones. He'd have to Facebook message me now, and even then, I'd have to constantly change my status on Twitter every time he stabbed me. It would just take up too much of both of our time.
2) Spanish TV- I wish my Spanish went beyond "Tu madre trabaja en la esquina," (Your mother works on the corner) Because I'm sure telanovelas have sweet dirty lies to tell. It is fun, though, to try to imagine what they're talking about. My guess is international diplomacy and nuclear physics.... Or how Pedro is sleeping around with Maria again. Pedro es un idiota.*
3) "Roll Bounce" starring Bow Wow and Meagan Good. A movie about black kids roller skating. Cause that's gangsta, Bow Wow. That's not quite what's meant by, "Everybody get your roll on." And Meagan, Meagan, Meagan. You used to be on "Cousin Skeeter." That show starred a puppet. Then you did Fiddy's "21 Questions" video, and that's the last time I saw you wear a shirt and pants at the same time.
4) Sisqo trying to make it on the reality competition, "Gone Country." Just to clarify here, this is an R&B singer who once crooned, "That thong tha-thong thong thong," trying to sing country.
5) "To Catch a Predator" re-runs. A snippet:
Host: "This is an online transcript of what you wrote to this 15-year-old girl."
Hapless Hornball: "Oh, no."
Host: "You wrote, 'I want to touch your sweet spot... I want to taste you.'"
HH: "Um, I was just kidding."
Host: "You wrote, 'I hope you're not the 5-0. Cause 15 will get me 20.' That's referring to you getting 20 years for being with a 15-year-old girl, correct?"
HH: (with a slight smile) "Well, I guess I'm getting 20 now."

You know what that guy got? Eight months. He got eight months in jail for telling a high school girl he wants to touch her sweet spot. And he had the harshest sentence out of all the guys- others got 30-90 days. WTF. I can practically get 30 days for not feeding my dog, writing bad checks or voting for Bush (actually, that gets you 4 years).
In related news, Hapless Hornball has already text messaged the Chinese gymnasts hoping to exchange Facebook pages and underwear.

Ok, that's that, although feel free to share late night stuff you've discovered.
A sweet post with a bit of a twist is coming up this weekend.

* My Latina friend, Logarithmic, pointed out that this sentence would mean Pedro is a she. What my friend doesn't realize was that, although my Spanish is terrible, I unwittingly outed Pedro after his sex-change operation. So, there.