Friday, September 19, 2008

To discuss my life in e-mails and shaping chesticles

I figured if the first part didn't draw you in, the second part would.
Let's get the second part over with now.
This commercial boggles my mind. It's either one of the most erotic infomercials ever, or it's the most disturbing. I'm no Dr. McDreamy (unless it's in my veterinary metaphor), but I'm still guessing it's not natural for boobs to move sideways like that. If that's the idea, then they really screwed up on Baywatch girls going up and down all those years.
Watch a minute (or two- it's enchanting) of the footage. As a guy, I'm highly confused about my emotions on this- it is, technically, cleavage... but it looks like fleshy shape shifters. More accurately, it looks like those scarabs in "The Mummy" have grown larger, taken over that poor woman's chesticles, and are now pacing back and forth.
Am I missing something here, or wouldn't adding muscle, by doing chest exercises, actually decrease the bust line because breast tissue is made of fat? You didn't see busty swimmers and gymnasts at the Olympics, did you? Just a thought.
But hey, it worked for 58-year-old Kathleen H: "I saw everything come up and everything fill out." As Michael Scott would say, that's what she said.
On to important business. Ever since I started this blog, I've had the idea in the back of my head that it would be fun and memorable for me and entertaining for you if I gave an overview of some recent years in my life, kind of a "The Story of Andy." Not that every day goes as horribly as this one, but it might make for some high entertainment to recall past failures.
To do that straight from memory, though, would be a feat. But then I remembered one thing that tracks the passage of time better than clocks and fashion trends: E-mails.
Kids, I looked in my Hotmail account (which uses my AIM screen name from when I was in sixth grade), and I've got e-mails dating the whole way back to Dec. 2001, nearing the end of my first semester in college. Sent e-mails are precious few, but I've got tons and tons of received e-mails because I never delete them out of fear that one day I'd write a blog and some random person would want to read about them (I'm so smart).
So here is what I'm proposing-- and if it's a terrible idea, say so. I'd like to do a semi-regular series of posts (monthly?) that, using nothing but memory and snippets of e-mail text, reconstruct that fateful freshmen year until now. I promise to make it juicy and funny and terribly embarrassing on my half, without naming names to protect the innocent. This is either my best idea ever or my worst.
Most of it will be recounting and second-guessing what I was thinking at the time. There's also life-changing decisions, failures, successes- all the good stuff. What do you think?
Also- I'm going out tonight with a new Ladyfriend. No, not Quiznos girl. This is someone with whom I've actually had a conversation with out loud and not just in my head, and who appears to be funny/cute/friendly/not likely to murder me/all those good things. And who, from what she said, reads this blog... and she still wants to see me tonight. This makes me wonder about the mental state of other men in her life if I seem like a viable option. Anyway, wish me luck. I promise to be a gentleman.


ANG* said...

paleeeeease bring back those old emails. that will be an awesome treat.

also, you have quite the ladyfriend pipeline. just sayin... ;)

Amy xxoo said...

Best idea ever! Its kind of a " How I Met Your Mother " concept, only instead of memory and voice over, you have memory and email. Sweet!

Also, consider this me officially wishing you luck with Ladyfriend Mach2. Luck!

Miss Tiff said...

I definitely think you should bring back your old emails. I think it's great idea. Actually when are your ideas ever bad when it comes to blogging? (Trying to think of one....... Oh wait I can't think of one.)

Good Luck with the new ladyfriend. :)

The Logarithmic Spiral said...

I am both titilated and nervous at the prospect.... ;)

SouthernBelle said...

I'll add my voice to the throng. I think the email reconstruction is a great idea.

Also, good luck with Ladyfriend: The Next Generation. Don't forget to post progress reports - I am old & married & must live vicariously through you young'uns!

; )

Sam_I_am said...

The way that thing works is by building the pectoral muscle under the breast, giving the illusion that the best itself is larger. Those tricky bastards. The reason why gymnasts look like boys is because they dont eat. If a girl starves herself during puberty, breast development will stop and stop Aunt Flo from visiting, but I'm sure that is a plus for the women's gymnastics team. So yeah, there's your lesson in female anatomy, use it wisely.

That thing is totally creepy though.

As for the emails, go for it.

Anonymous said...

She reads your blog and has still agreed to one-on-one time with you? She must be a keeper!

And the emails? Could be funny.

Teej said...


If you read this make sure to do something funny on your date. We need entertainment here. No pressure! :-P

Andy: Be nice and don't scare her. Oh and the email thing sounds potentially funny. In the words of one Tim Gunn "Make it work."

Andy said...

Ang- Um, the pipeline only started flowing like this month. It was drier than the desert before that.
Amy- I like the phrase Ladyfriend Mach2. It makes me think I can shave with her.
Tiff- Hopefully this idea works. In theory, sounds good. In reality, we'll see.
Spiral- Don't be nervous. It's not like I have e-mails from you... oh wait. I do! Perhaps I'll let you put in your two cents.
Belle- Please live vicariously through me, but pick and choose- there are things you do not want to relive. Trust me.
Sam- After that explanation, I no longer have a desire to look at breasts. You've cured me.
Haute- I know! Go figure.
Teej- Thanks for encouraging her to do "funny," which could translate to "leave Andy in a desolate inner city location to see how he handles himself"

cdp said...

Hope the Ladyfriend adventure went well.

Reading through old emails is certainly an interesting stroll down memory lane, isn't it?

Diane said...

Speaking as someone who has had boobs for some time, no, they are not supposed to move sideways as a rule. Yes on the emails... and good luck with the new Ladyfriend!

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