Thursday, September 11, 2008

To discuss a TV Play by Play: You Got It, Dude!

Dude, if you don't enjoy this, I'm worried about you. I'm going old-freaking-school. Now, I had planned a TV Play by Play of America's Next Top Model, but not now. If anyone still wants me to do so, I will; I'll probably do one for that show periodically along with Making the Band and anything else you suggest.
But what I have for you surely will lift your spirits on this otherwise sad day. It's a TV Play by Play of Full House, circa 1989. In this episode, "Middle Age Crazy," according to Mr. Tivo, Stephanie announces marriage in order to get attention. How rude!
I'll give you a moment to change your underwear from all the excitement. I'm wearing three pairs just for back-ups.
Ready? Cue music...
Whatever happened to predictability? The milk man, the paper boy, the evening TV? (proximity of grocery stores/news Web sites/reality television, since you asked)....
:01 The opening credits are simply amazing. First off, this is back when Michelle was still a toddler, which, surprising to everyone, would be the most the Olsen twins would ever weigh. Another point- how long did it take you to figure out Mary-Kate Ashley Olsen were two people and not just one girl with a long, long name? Me, I figured it out after many years.
Candace Cameron is rocking that red lips telephone, too. Ah, land line phones. She also has on some kind of full-length blue dress that covers almost every inch of her body, a possible prediction factor of her post-show Christian crusade with brother/fellow actor Kirk Cameron (who's totally dreamy, I've been told).
:03 Danny Tanner, holding Michelle, says he wants to make a home video of her with his VHS camera. If he just waited 15 years, he could get one on the Internet of her snorting blow. Patience, Danny.
:04 Stephanie, who is a total brat for a good 3-4 seasons, walks in with her Asian friend, Harry, and demands Danny watch her hula-hoop. Danny shuts her down. Stephanie considers either running away and becoming a prostitute, or pouting as the audience goes "Awww." Fortunately for child welfare authorities, she goes with option number two.
:07 Ah, this is that time when Joey and Uncle Jesse are making jingles together. First off, Joey's technicolor sweater is visually amazing. Why would Alanis Morrisette ever break up with him and write that angry song about how he's screwing around? I mean, the guy does a mean Popeye impression.
And second, the guys are trying to do a rap jingle. You know this show is old school when it's obligatory to do that terrible beat box voice thing and bounce back and forth whenever trying to rap. My, how far rap has come. Now you do a terrible beat box voice thing while slapping around your hos and bragging about being shot.... which, coincidentally, might have made Joey and Jesse's rap jingle about a fitness center a lot more interesting. "Keeping it real to the streets/if you know what I mean/Getting shot in the arm/Curling legs on machines." Something like that.
:09 Stephanie once again tries to get attention, but Jesse and Joey toss her and her scrunchie out. But DJ, in need of a last-minute science project, manages to coerce the two into helping. Maybe it was her long, tightly-braided hair and fluffy bangs that did it.
:10 Stephanie is jacked, and, in true Full House fashion, really lets the expletives fly at DJ. "Well, pin a rose on your nose," she says. The FCC literally poop themselves.
:11 Danny is still video taping Michelle, who is now listening to her Walkman, or, as they might be known now, the inaugural, bulky, non-electronic, limited ability iPod. Stephanie, still seeking attention like an 11th grade girl wearing a low-cut shirt and a miniskirt to math class in January, realizes she's not as cute as Michelle and slowly walks out of the room as that really sad Full House transition music plays. Classic.
:14 Dude, I didn't remember Full House having such sweet special effects: As Stephanie daydreams about how Michelle and DJ get attention for doing nothing special, she imagines that she just got home from her trip to Mars. Wearing a horrendously designed pink space suit, she shows everyone she can fly- and she does! (Of course, you can easily see the wires that are pulling her up. A minor technicality).
:16 Stephanie convinces Harry to marry her, a landmark event on TV as one of the first interracial couples. Stephanie says her new name will be Stephanie Takiyama. I do wonder why people made a big deal out of interracial couples lately on ER and Grey's Anatomy, as if that had never been done before. Clearly, they forgot about Zach Morris kissing Lisa Turtle before her fashion show, or Shawn and Angela on Boy Meets World. We grew up on this stuff.
:21 Stephanie and Harry hold their wedding ceremony in the back yard. She threw the whole thing together- dress, minister, guests, decorations- in what appears to be about 5 minutes. I don't know why women complain so much about wedding preparation. Geez.
:22 Aww, the kid minister said "Holy Mattress Money." Kids say the darndest things.
:23 Does Harry realize that once he gets married, Stephanie is going to nag him all the time? He can forget riding his bike or watching Saturday morning cartoons. And he won't even get marital relations- it's illegal for their age.
:28 Stephanie and Harry Takiyama announce their marriage to the Tanners. Harry promptly says he has to go home for meatloaf night, thus creating another sad divorce statistic.
Stephanie says she's "always going to be stuck in the middle" of DJ and Michelle. I feel ya on that one, Steph. Middle Child Club card carrying member.
:29 Danny's sage advice this episode: "Every family member is unique in their own way." Write that down, people. Danny's nuggets of wisdom are pure gold. Ah, wait for it. Wait for it. Here it is! The Full House "Danny's dad talk music." How can I get that to play when I'm talking?
:30 The show abruptly ends with an ad for a "Bring It On" marathon. How many of those movies are there? Wasn't it already brought-en?


ANG* said...

well put.

not sure if the part about michelle snorting blow or joey and jesse tossing steph and her scrunchie out is my fave.

also, i totes remember this episode. i could never relate to steph though. i dont even really think i liked her. 100% oldest child over here. can i get a hell yeah!?

Anonymous said...

For some reason, they seem to be able to get away with more on shows aimed at kids if they sneak it in just right. The whole idea has evolved from things like the interracial relationships you described to things like Degrassi. I stumbled upon five minutes of an episode of that once, leaving with the idea that if the adults knew what going on on that show, they'd poop themselves and/or throw a fit if it was going on during their favorite prime time show.

Oh, and I just about lost it at the 'Olsen twins max weight reached at toddlerhood' comment.

Miss Tiff said...

Great job Andy! I so remember this episode! I'm loving how you went old school with your play by play.

sj said...

i thought mary-kate ashley olson was that baby's name until they came out with their own line of scrunchies and crazy hair accessories for kmart. seriously. twins? knock me over with a feather.

and let's not forget the genius of dave coulier's bullwinkle. he outta know, alright.

did you watch the saget roast? jodie sweetin is still sporting the same do from her stephanie days. i was amazed by how much she hadn't changed.

Amy xxoo said...

Oh, how i loved " Full House "! Okay, kinda would still love if it repeast were one at, say, 11:30 at night.

But unlucky for you being the middle child Andy - smart, responsible and entirely beloved eldest child here!

Sam_I_am said...

Didn't Stephanie use something like aluminum foil for her veil or was that another 90s tv show?

You forgot to mention Jodie Sweetin's use of Crystal Meth. Something went wrong in the Tanner household.

JessWrites said...

This is like the best thing I've read in ages. You are my new favorite blogger. haha

Children of the Nineties said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Children of the Nineties said...

I've been meaning to get around to posting on this show but have yet to reach a level of free time to fully do justice to the magic of Full House. It seems that you've already captured most of it.

I'm now honored that you find depth/breadth in my posts, after reading this impressive exposition. Nice work.

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