To discuss a TV Play by Play: Top Model 13 'Petite Ninja Warriors'

Last week, the girls had the Benny Ninja challenge. Ashley, despite her dance background, wasn't good at dancing. That would be like me not being good at a writi... hey, forget I mentioned it. The girls also had a Cirque de Soleil photo shoot with Sundai, Brittany and Rae doing the best. (There was no recap last week because of a Tivo issue. I would rather blame the machine than myself.)

Now on to this week's Play by Play. Here's the nickname reminder (explanation in season premiere recap): Mommy (Rae), Black Sheep (Nicole), Miss Congeniality (Jennifer), Mena (Erin), Headlights (Rachel), The Widower (Laura), Lelly (Kara), NC-17 (Brittany), Hot Fudge Sundae (Sundai)

Eliminated: Understudy (Lisa), Headlights (Rachel) and Spirit Fingers (Courtney) The L Word (LuLu) Pouty McPouterson (Bianca) and Lady Luck (Ashley)
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:05 The girls goof around with "Top Model: The Musical," as Mommy pretends to be The Widower, using a horrendous Southern accent. The Widower, who is all types of adorable, admits she's a small town girl, but wants people to know she's been out of her small town a bunch. I hope she's not counting the models' stop at Wal-mart a few weeks ago as "out of her small town."

:06 Lelly doesn't understand why Black Sheep does so well in the competition and yet "has no personality" and "sounds like a robot." Lelly, that's because the robot can take good pictures, and yours look the same every week. This isn't Miss America. If it was, one of the models would have told us by now about the virtues opposite marriage.

:07 Go-sees time. Bold prediction that comes true every season: One of the girls won't make it back in time. It's as if they don't watch previous seasons to realize that's a big deal. That'd be like forgetting the lyrics on "American Idol."

:08 A twist this year: The girls are split into pairs, and have to drive themselves to each go-see. I'm praying for a fender bender, but I don't think I'll be that lucky

:09 First go-see for NC-17 and Lelly is at a jewelry store. Lelly doesn't have pierced ears, "a disaster," says the owner, Neil Lane. Lelly must have seen the Full House when Stephanie pierces her own ears and gets an infection. I understand, Lelly. By the way, they are showing a ton of Lelly footage so far. That's usually an omen.

:11 Widower is at a TV commercial go-see. She says she can do a hood-rat accent. Evidently in Widower's hood, people talk like flamboyant Australians.

:13 Skyler Mattson, one of the TV commercial reps, said Lelly looked like a trainwreck with greasy hair. But enough about the positives, what about the negatives, Skyler?

:21 Hot Fudge Sundae and Mommy have only gone to two go-sees, and Sundae wants to fit another one in, while Mommy, being very Mommy-like, says there's no time and wants to drive back. Sundae overrules her, and it looks like we've found our "who's going to be late?" contestants.

:23 Annnnnddd I was right. Sean Patterson from Wilhelmina Model gives the pair a tongue-lashing. "I don't have the time to deal with you right now. I don't even want you in the room." He really hates models who are late. And I would, too. But it's not quite the same being late in a reality TV competition set up for someone to fail, right?

:25 Black Sheep wins, and is so happy to win a challenge after having an awful photo shoot last week. Of course, most of the other girls get jealous. Lelly and Hot Fudge Sundae both mock Black Sheep's monotone voice. Little do they know, the girls who make fun of other girls out of jealousy on Top Model are doomed to failure. Recent examples: Ashley and Lulu.

:32 Photoshoot time. The girls are dressed like (fashionable) ninja warriors and are suspended in the air with a wire harness. And who hasn't done that lately? I call that "Saturdays."

:36 Lelly is STILL making fun of Black Sheep's voice. Dear Lelly: You are the pot. Black Sheep is the kettle. Your voices are the black. Get it? And Lelly's photo shoot was awful, unless the objective is to look like you need to use the bathroom.

:38 Hot Fudge Sundae is struggling. It's hard, she says, to keep track of how the props look, keeping her face pretty, moving her limbs, finding a good pose... or, as some call it, "modeling."

:45 Judging time. The guest judge is Jessica White, who has been in Sports Illustrated seven times and looks like the black version of Megan Fox. Mena has great shots, possible Mena's best work since American Beauty, or at least since the second episode.

:52 Black Sheep gets the top photo, giving her a two-for-two week. After that, it's Widower and NC-17, who is wearing a top so low cut, Tyra says if she wore the same top, "it would be slightly pornographic." No, Tyra, it would be like your old Sports Illustrated photos. After that, it's Mena, Miss Congeniality and Mommy.

:55 That leaves Lelly and Hot Fudge Sundae in the bottom two, no surprise. And Lelly gets kicked off, despite having a fashionable face. Lelly says it was stupid to even audition for Top Model now that she didn't win. Lelly, don't you watch those "Top Model: Models in Action" segments each week? It doesn't matter if you win- you're all destined to a somewhat successful but not widely recognizable career.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Top Model 13: Fortress of Fierceness

This third episode of America's Next Top Model should be a doozy. Why? Partly because I like the word doozy, and partly because two girls are getting kicked off. Let's jump into the TV Play by Play. Here's last week's episode, the two-part season premiere, if you missed it.

And here's the nickname reminder (explanation in season premiere recap): Mommy (Rae), Black Sheep (Nicole), Miss Congeniality (Jennifer), Lady Luck (Ashley), Spirit Fingers (Courtney), Mena (Erin), The L Word (LuLu), Headlights (Rachel), The Widower (Laura), Lelly (Kara), NC-17 (Brittany), Hot Fudge Sundae (Sundai) Pouty McPouterson (Bianca)
Eliminated: Understudy (Lisa)

:06 The girls are taken to Wilhemina Modeling to interview with president, Sean Patterson, and Nigel Barker, the Top Model judge/photographer. And, once again, a girl gets caught looking foolish- The L Word says she loves fashion... then can't name one fashion photographer. This would be like me saying I love the NFL, but I can't name a team.
:15 In a surprise move, Nigel and Sean say a girl is getting kicked off right now for not being Wilhemina material.... and it's Headlights, who was "boring." She couldn't come up with one song to sing when Nigel asked her to show something from her musical theater experience. I would have rocked that part! "I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and fierce!"
:18 Top Model jumped the boat that jumped the shark. As the girls are getting fake-ripped on by a photographer, Tyra, dressed in a trench coat like a supermodel pedophile, swoops in to say she can be a good model. The photographer doubts her, so Tyra gets angry and eats babies. Well, at least, she might as well have. She ripped off her coat to reveal a black-and-silver leotard and cape. Her superpower is her Smize, or Smiles with My Eyes. It's like she's the reject student at Professor Xavier's X-men academy.
:20 Tyra gives individual Smize lessons, telling the girls to internally think of something that make them smile. NC-17 says "cats," so Tyra, wrapping her arms around Brittany, says let's touch your cat. "Oh, that sounds a little gross," Tyra quicky says. Yes, Tyra. Yes, it does.
:20 Miss Congeniality, with her lazy eye, is worried about smiling with her eyes. It's a little hard to smile with your eyes when one looks like it's frowning. Black Sheep, on the other hand, never smiles at all, so asking her to smile with her eyes is like asking Heidi Montag to sing the national anthem. You're screwed before you even start.
:21 Top Model jumped the ocean than the boat landed in. The girls, getting ready for an eye-smiling photo challenge, are dressed up like Oompa Loompas in a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory sequel.
:22 Check that. They look like ninjas in a gay pride parade.
:25 The winning team from the challenge get dinner with the Wilhemina Modeling president. The losing team gets to wash dishes... Eh, good practice- those that don't cut it as models will end up doing this anyway, right?
:31 Nude shoot, third episode into the season. But not just any nude shoot. They are shooting nude, on top of a horse, with a jockey. "Is that a riding crop, or are you happy to pose with me naked?"
:34 The Widower says she's thrilled because she owns a horse, and she loves nudity. I sense a new sport: nude horse racing. You can bet on Win, Place, Show and Nipple.
:37 Photo director Jay Manuel: "If I think back to someone like Isis (Cycle 11), who was transgender, she looked a lot more feminine than Pouty McPouterson did today." Your Cycle 13 Top Models!
:44 Lauren Conrad is the guest judge. Her qualifications, according to Tyra: She's a super-duper huge reality star, and a clothing designer...This would be an accurate assessment of, say, Christian from Project Runway, but LC? Qualifications: Former star of a show critically panned for vapid personalities and scripted "reality." Not as famous anymore as Heidi. Kinda hot, sometimes, in certain photos.
:48 Tyra said Pouty's face in her photo looks like a "Who farted?" Pouty's having a really good week so far!

:54 Why do I expect Spencer Pratt to jump out during judging and tell everyone he hates LC?
:55 Mena gets top photo, followed by NC-17, The Widower, Black Sheep, Lelly, Miss Congeniality, Hot Fudge Sundae, Mommy, The L Word, Lady Luck, which leaves a bottom two of...
:57 Spirit Fingers and Pouty... and, uh, Spirit Fingers is going home? Not the girl who looks more like a man than a transgender and made a fart face? Top Model really doesn't like girls who give up-- Spirit Fingers lost her rah-rah-rah when she got frustrated in her shoot and said she stopped caring. She would have been better off making a fart face.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Top Model Cycle 13 Premiere

It's already time for another season of America's Next Top Model. If you were like me, you could barely sleep at the mere thought of it! Or, more accurately, you were kind of happy your Tivo recorded it and figured, hey, better than Property Virgins reruns. Here's the two-hour season premiere play-by-play. If you haven't read my Top Model play-by-plays before, I give all the girls nicknames, as it's more fun that way. Here's the recap of the Cycle 12 finale, when Cruise (Teyona) won it all.

:03 Tyra makes her entrance. I think this is Tyra's favorite part of every season- her first entrance, when the girls act like she's the second coming of the Beatles, and she gets to act crazy.

:04 Last year, Tyra did the Greek god thing. This year, she used a terrible French accent. Next year, she busts out her Jackie from Fresh Prince persona. Can't wait!

:05 Jay Alexander, the photo director, hasn't aged since I've started watching this show.

:12 The girls interview with the judges. Courtney walks in on crutches because she broke her foot while cheerleading. Nice idea playing up the sympathy card, Courtney, but next time, really go for it by accidentally putting a hot iron on your face so you have a signature look the judges can't ignore.

:13 Tyra says she likes Courtney's body because "she has no boobs... she's almost like a boy." So Courtney is a flat-chested, crippled cheerleader. If that thought doesn't give her confidence, I don't know what will. Nickname: Spirit Fingers

:14 Amanda is so poor, she doesn't have indoor plumbing in her trailer, so if she has to go number 2, she goes to a gas station. I can't make this stuff up. Nickname: Joe the Plumber

:22 Amber loves Jesus. She wants you to know that, as it's the reason she's modeling. (I think that's in the New Testament somewhere). She also walked into her interview strutting like a peacock. Tyra: "What was all that?" Amber: "My catwalk. Meow." ANTM is back in full force! Nickname: Right Said Fred

:32 Laura, a Kentucky girl, castrates cows.... When they were asking for Top Model applicants 5'7 or shorter, did they ask that they be as odd as possible? Nickname: The Widower

:34 Almost all of these girls are skinny as a toothpick. I guess Tyra didn't want to try to promote a plus-size, short Top Model. Or a girl who looks like she has girl parts.

:35 The more I watch Top Model, the more I can see how each girl is a reminder of a past girl. Rachel has big doe eyes like Allison (Dracula) from last season. Bianca has a shaved head like Nnenna. Right Said Fred loves Jesus like London (London the Baptist). Different season, same girls.

:47 Tyra, Miss J and Jay narrow the field from 20 down to the final 14. I'll give them this- they somehow see models in girls that on the street, you'd think are destined for "What Not to Wear," or, in some cases, "Man vs. Wild."

:47 Kara looks like the love child of Kelly from Real Housewives of New York City and singer Leona Lewis. Not sure if that's a good thing yet. Nickname: Lelly

:54 Tyra calls out the top 14. As she stands next to the six girls who didn't make the cut, you are reminded this is Top Model Short Year-- she's literally head and shoulders taller than them. For a visual, think Godzilla attacking New York City.

1:00 NOOOOOO! Right Said Fred dropped out "for personal issues." She was a comedic gold mine, Tyra! Bring her back! Oh well. Lisa, who didn't make the cut before, takes her spot. Nickname: Understudy

1:02 This episode isn't joking around. They are already doing make-overs. Save something for next week, Tyra.

1:02 You know those Etch-a-sketch things you played with as a kid to give the man a funny mustache or crazy hair? That's essentially what Tyra is doing to each model's photos to illustrate their make-over.

1:06 Can we give all of America a make-over? Wouldn't we all be the better for it?

1:07 Every season, one girl complains about her make-over. This year, it's the girl with no hair, Bianca. She complains about her eyebrows getting bleached. It's one of many things Bianca complains about. Nickname: Pouty McPouterson

1:16 The girls go to the Top Model house, which has fun house mirrors and oversized furniture to remind the girls they are short. I wonder if they made the toilets too high. That would be funny.

1:16 Did I mention there's a girl named Sundai on here? That's not even my nickname for her. But she'll need a Nickname: Hot Fudge Sundae (a la Saved By the Bell, for those in the know)

1:22 Photoshoot time- the girls are replicating their childhood photos. Erin, even with bleach blond hair, looks like Mena Suvari. Well, that one's easy enough. Nickname: Mena

1:22 It's LuLu's turn. LuLu revealed earlier she's a lesbian, and has her girlfriend's name tattooed on her chest. Nickname: The L Word (that one works too perfectly)

1:23 Rachel, with her big doe eyes, will have the same problem Allison had last year in doing something with her face beyond "Deer Caught in Headlights!" Nickname: Headlights. During Rae's shoot to replicate her ballerina photo as a little girl, she has to wear eight-inch heels that have her standing on her toes, making her look like a ballerina about to turn tricks on the corner. She's got a daughter, and that's going to give her motivation. I like it. Nickname: Mommy

1:28 Brittany's photo as a kid is her sucking on a Pixie stick. But, as Jay Manuel points her, she looks like a porn star when she sucks on the Pixie stick as an adult. Nickname: NC-17

1:30 Nicole, with her mane-like red hair and standoffish attitude, is the black sheep of the house so far, the proverbial "here for the modeling, not to make friends." But she does great in her photos, so Jay compliments her. Nicole just smiles and nods. There's a girl like her every season. Nickname: Black Sheep

1:31 Last one, finally (14 girls is a lot, Tyra.) Jennifer is proud to be the sole Asian girl in the competition, and she's also proud after nailing her photo shoot. She's the bubbly one everybody loves and is just glad to be here. Nickname: Miss Congeniality

1:38 Judging time. Different this year: Paulina is gone, so a guest judge is being used. This time, it's some random model, Chanel Iman, but in future weeks, it'll be people like Lauren Conrad, Marisa Miller and Kim Kardashian. Also different: Wilhemina Modeling is signing the winner to a contract, as Tyra notes Wilhemina is willing to sign a girl of any height. Not said: That means the usual agency, Elite, said "Hecccccccccck no we're not signing a shortie."

1:50 My favorite shot of the week: Ashley, who got discovered by Top Model while attending the Tyra Banks show. Nickname: Lady Luck. Least favorite: Hot Fudge Sundae.

1:53 Girls in the top 13 (in order called): Mommy (Rae), Black Sheep (Nicole), Miss Congeniality (Jennifer), Lady Luck (Ashley), Spirit Fingers (Courtney), Mena (Erin), The L Word (LuLu), Headlights (Rachel), The Widower (Laura), Lelly (Kara), NC-17 (Brittany), Hot Fudge Sundae (Sundai)...

1:54 With a bottom two of Pouty McPouterson (Bianca) and Understudy (Lisa). Pouty had a good photo, bad attitude. Understudy had bad photo, good potential.... and, since Top Model looooves keeping around girls with a bad attitude, Pouty stays, Understudy goes.

To discuss a TV Play-by-Play: Top Model Cycle 12 Finale

The "America's Next Top Model" finale. It's here. The one you've all been wai.... the one you can't stop thi.... the one that was on last night.

Who knows what I'll do Play by Plays on next, with Top Model done for a few months. Suggestions?

Here's the nickname reminder:

Aminat- The Hair… Allison- Dracula… Teyona- Cruise

Eliminated: Carpe Diem (Ep. 1), Sea Cow (Ep. 2), Cucamonga (Ep. 3), Cheesecake (Ep. 4) Marathon (Ep. 5) Earl Grey (Ep. 6) London the Baptist (Ep. 7) TBA (Ep. 8) Fomula (Ep. 9) Model T (Ep. 10)

:05 Like a band geek left behind on a bus full of cheerleaders, Dracula feels out of place with best friends The Hair and Cruise.

:07 It's Cover Girl photoshoot/video time. Prediction: One of the girls has trouble remembering her lines. All eight of them. Modeling is tough!

:08 Last year's winner, McKey, is visiting to offer the girls' advice. Somewhere, Natasha Henstridge is frantically calling 911, asking for help in locating her gangly, awkward sister.

:09 The Hair gives a convincing performance for her commercial, after director Jay Manuel tells her to move her face around and stop being all "Botoxville" See: Housewives, The Real.

:10 The photographer says Dracula has that "Bettie Paige look." I'm not so sure I'd want a Dracula pin-up above my bed. That's more scary dream than wet dream.

:11 ... anddddd cue tears. Cruise forgot the words. I think they should put one of those bouncing dot things on a teleprompter to help the models. And the dot should be Tyra's face

:19 Based on those Cover Girls commercials, these are the weakest final three in recent Top Model memory. They're beautiful, sure, but... man... this is more like "Rhode Island's Top Model" or "The Greater Montana Area Top Model" compared to some past seasons (remember Jaslene, Renee and Natasha, Season 8?)

:20 Judging time. Soak in judge Paulina Porizkova now...'cause she got fired and won't be back. Bring back Janice Dickinson!

:21 Cruise's Cover Girl commercial is to acting trainwrecks as to Hilary Duff is to... well, acting trainwrecks.

:23 Tyra is telling the models how she thinks real people talk. I hope she doesn't use herself as an example, or the models will. start. talking in low. voices with. lots of pauses for. dramatic effect.

:29 Dracula is in...

:30 And so is... Cruise. That means The Hair, who was at one point referred to by judges as "a waste of a body," is going home. I'm so glad I don't have to go before judges to keep my job. I can only imagine what they'd refer me as a "waste of."

:32 Cruise's collarbone bothers me. It sticks out like an appendage, like a chest arm. I'm afraid a stray dog is going to jump on her and gnaw on it. And Dracula still has those bug eyes, which I said in the first episode "might hurt her chances." By hurt her chances, I meant "take her to the finals." Just to be clear.

:33 Does anyone have an idea how old Jay Manuel is? He hasn't aged since the series began.

:35 Try to understand this Top Model logic: Every season, the girls get maybe one runway lesson with Miss J, and have one or two runway challenges. But, in the season finale, with everything on the line, they have a mammoth runway show to serve as judging fodder. Makes no sense. Another thing that makes no sense: Capris.

:36 Tyra gives the girls a pep talk. The girls reaction: "Um-hmm... yeah.... yep." I've sounded more excited getting my taxes done than they do for the final runway show. Your final two, everyone!

:44 After two passes on the runway, it's time for the big finale. The big finale involves all the models coating themselves in black paint and writhing on the floor with each other. You read that right.

:48 Judging time. They're going through all of this season's photos for Dracula and Cruise. Here's a fruity photo of Dracula.


:57 And the winner is... Tyra Banks!
No, it's Cruise, who got her Play by Play nickname for saying she was a tomboy (as in, Tom Cruise).

This is the same Cruise who Tyra at one point described as having a windblown face... and now, she's America's Next Top Model.

To discuss a TV Play-by-Play: Top Models in teenie bikinis

There was no TV Play-by-Play last week for Top Model, since I was out of town. But maybe that's just as well, because Natalie (TBA), who was eliminated, canceled her interview with me for Real Blogger. That hurt my feelings, Natalie. I was going to profess my reality show love for you, and instead, you canceled because you're bitter about the show. Oh well. Here's Episode 9's TV Play-by-Play, with a nickname reminder:

Aminat- The Hair… Fo- Fomula… Allison- Dracula… Celia- Model T… Teyona- Cruise

Eliminated: Carpe Diem (Ep. 1), Sea Cow (Ep. 2), Cucamonga (Ep. 3), Cheesecake (Ep. 4) Marathon (Ep. 5) Earl Grey (Ep. 6) London the Baptist (Ep. 7) TBA (Ep. 8)

:01 Last week, the photo shoot involved the girls wearing fruit on their head, like Carmen Miranda, the inspiration for the Chiquita Banana girl. I think Top Model is running out of ideas. Next, they'll have girls spray painted green to pose like the Green Giant. Ho, ho, ho!

:02 I'm already missing Natalie, who was the only girl left that I thought was a smoking hottie. Don't try to convince me Cruise, with her piranha smile, or Dracula, with her wig-like hair, are smoking hotties... I'll already be trying to convince myself, as I feel better about watching the show when at least I think the girls are hot.

:04 Fomula's kinda hot.

:04 and 2 Seconds Well, maybe not.

:04 and 4 Seconds Yeah, she's situationally hot. Don't know what situationally hot is about? Say you're in a room/event/workplace/bar/prisoner of war camp. There are members of the opposite sex there (or same sex, whatever. This isn't a Prop 8 blog). Now, in a perfect world, none of them are that hot. But, hey, you've got to deal with what you've got, so in that situation, maybe a couple of them are hot. In the last five Top Models, Fo, who normally wouldn't catch my eye, is now situationally hot. Go ahead, try it with your friends. Try it at church.

:06 It's Go-Sees day, when the models run around town, meeting with potential employers. Every year, at least one model doesn't make it back to the meeting point on time. I'm sure this year will be no exception. My favorite was when Heather just stood in the middle of Beijing, turning in circles, not going anywhere because she was so lost.

:10 I think Jordana Brewster from Fast & Furious is one of the designers! No, my mistake. It's Cris Barros. Crap. I was hoping Vin Diesel would pull up to the curb and offer a model a ride to the next designer in under 10 seconds.

:12 I slipped up talking with Capricorn about this show, and started confusing talking about Top Model contestants being on American Idol (which is when you know you have a reality show problem). That got me thinking: Which American Idol finalist, of any season, would have made a good Top Model? I have to think Katherine McPhee.

:19 Dracula's runway walk for the designers looks like she has to pee. Is that a technique?

:22 Hey, I called it. Model T and Fomula are late. Don't they watch past seasons? Don't they read my Play-by-Plays?

:24 Cruise, The Hair and Dracula all get a helicopter ride over Sao Paolo, Brazil, for being on time. Cruise wins the challenge. Also, this is the first time I've noticed The Hair is 8 feet tall.

:26 One of the models who got kicked off told me Fomula cries all the time. Well, she was right. Fomula has cried this entire episode.

:32 Photoshoot time, with judge Nigel Barker doing the shooting. The models are at the beach, wearing the tiniest bikinis this side of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. They are so small, there is a blur over their booties. TBA, why did you leave me the show?

:33 Fomula's strategy must be: Let's look like all my limbs are broken.

:35 I'm pretty sure I just got Dracula pregnant, judging by the fact her bikini bottom is smaller than a napkin.

:37 Model T does so poorly, Nigel is forced to reverse roles and show her how to pose. That would be like all of you jumping over to my living room and showing me how to write, and that ... that would never happen... heh... um... right?

:50 Judging time. They love Dracula and Cruise (who gets top photo), and they hate The Hair, Fomula and Model T. I didn't like any of them: It's a swimsuit shoot, and I've been more turned on looking at the lingerie section of a JC Penney catalog.

:56 Model T and Fomula are in the bottom two... and Fomula gets sent home, partially because judges think she's too short (she's 5'8"). Every week, they send a girl home after finding a flaw they otherwise had gone unnoticed or unsaid: TBA only had a "sexy look," London the Baptist "got fat." Next week, Model T will get kicked off "for kinda looking like Gollum from Lord of the Rings in certain light."

I'll be talking with Fomula this afternoon for Real Blogger. Check over there in the next few days to see the interview.

To discuss a TV Play-by-Play: Top Model Hates People Who Eat

I didn't get to do a TV Play-by-Play of "America's Next Top Model" last week, and I'm sure many of you have cried yourself to sleep in recent days because of that. No? Well, you moaned about it. Not that either? You noticed it, though, eh? Um... Well, here it is, people. Episode 7's TV Play-by-Play, with a nickname reminder:

Aminat- The Hair… Fo- Fomula… Allison- Dracula… Tahlia-Earl Grey… Celia- Model T… London- London the Baptist… Teyona- Cruise…Natalie- TBA …

Eliminated: Carpe Diem (Ep. 1), Sea Cow (Ep. 2), Cucamonga (Ep. 3), Cheesecake (Ep. 4) Marathon (Ep. 5) Earl Grey (Ep. 6)

:01 If that new Zac Efron movie "17 Again" doesn't have a big opening weekend, it's not for lack of trying. I just saw another commercial for it, after I saw Zac on American Idol, after I saw Zac on The View, after I saw Zac on Saturday Night Live, after I saw Zac in my drea... I mean.

:04 Dracula, in the bottom two last week, says she doesn't know how to change her facial expression to avoid the deer-caught-in-headlights look. Model T says she thinks of sex. Judging by Model T's photos, she's a virgin.

:06 Finally, finally, London the Baptist talks about her streetwalking preaching experiences. She hasn't mentioned it on the show since the premiere. But she tells Model T that God speaks through her when she preaches, and she thinks God put her on the show. I think if God was putting someone on a reality show, it wouldn't be Top Model. It would be "17 and Counting," where they go to the Creationist museum and make homemade soap to support their baby-factory lifestyle.

:07 The challenge this week is for the girls to be the creative director for another girl, for a Seventeen magazine photo shoot. Jay Manuel, the creative director whose skin is taking on all different shades of orange these days, tells the girls he's looking for an urban, street look for South Pole's clothing line. I think the girls took this too literally. Some of them made their model's make-up and clothes look like they're going to charge $50 an hour and leave out the back door.

:09 Dracula's hair (in plaid shirt) looks horrible. There. I said it. She looks like the poor version of Goldie Hawn.

:11 London the Baptist reveals she's gained 10-15 pounds since the show started, and she's uncomfortable in the clothes Fomula assigned to her. Gaining weight on Top Model is a kiss of death. You'd be better of choosing the governor of Alaska as your running mate than you'd be announcing you've gained weight on Top Model.

:20 Model T directed the best photo, with Fomula as the model, but Cruise wins the challenge. Cruise invites Model T and The Hair with her for a special Seventeen magazine photo spread. Seventeen is such a misleading magazine name, since it's mostly tweens who read it. Of course, Details is a misleading name for a men's magazine. They should call it "Sexually Dubious But Leaning on the Straight Side" magazine. I'm a subscriber, by the way.

:23 You know how some women wake up beautiful, and some women have to do a lot of work to look beautiful? Well, Jay Manuel surprises the girls at the house in the early morning, and let's just say there are some models who might scare small children.

:24 R&B artist Ciara is the special guest this week. "Oh, you have a new album coming out, right?" Jay bluntly asks. No, Jay, she just wanted to stop by for fun.

:26 The photo shoot is for the models to pose with Ciara as her superfan. Ciara, a poor man's Aaliyah and a homeless man's Beyonce, looks happy just to be working.

:29 London the Baptist is freaked about wearing a revealing outfit after she gained so much weight. Did she expect there was going to be a sweatpants and old t-shirt photo shoot for Ben & Jerry's?

:31 I'm all about people having faith, but when someone starts asking for Jesus to help them do something like, say, pose in a "Top Model" photo shoot with Ciara while wrapped in microphone cable and wearing a latex swimsuit only fashionable on The Matrix, I have to say you're stretching the New Testament too far, London.

:32 Still, though, I felt bad watching Jay approach London the Baptist after the photo shoot and ask her what happened to her body. Only in modeling are people expected to never gain weight. This is why I'm a writer. I ate three Cadbury eggs this week.

:33 On the opposite end of the spectrum, Cruise, who has a great photo shoot, is so thin that her collarbone sticks out like a chest limb. Surely there's a happy medium for models, right? Like, say, Ciara, who looks like she enjoys a good meal but also knows where a treadmill is located. A woman's body. Let's promote that as beauty, America.

:34 Hold on a second, I'm getting down from my ivory tower.

:35 OK, I'm back. Phew. Judging people takes it out of me.

:43 Model judging time and... what's going on? A dude speaking a foreign language and wearing a Speedo walks up to Tyra with a bowl full of nuts. Then, Tyra says, "You want me to go to your country?... What is this? A gift from your country?" Tyra tries a nut, and says, and I quote, "It's a big-ass peanut." Except, she says it faster than that. And I almost choked on my drink.

:44 Tyra then announces, "It's a Brazilian nut!" The girls are going to Brazil, this year's exotic locale. Dang. I was hoping it was the Mr. Peanut factory.

:47 London the Baptist hears Tyra tell her she does a great job smiling with her eyes naturally. That's the good news. She also gets flat-out asked by Miss Jay, "What are you eating?" That's the bad news.

:52 Cruise has the best photo of the week-- this has been her best week on Top Model so far-- and London the Baptist and The Hair are in the bottom two.

:58 London the Baptist is going home. This is the first time the judges have really had anything negative to say about her, and it's the first time it's been revealed that she's gained weight. Hmm. At least modeling isn't all about looks. It's about personality. Right?

To discuss a TV Play-by-Play: Top Model Shows Its True Colors

We were promised drama this week after last week's episode ended in Celia calling out Tahlia for wanting to quit the show. Well, promise delivered, CW. Here's Episode 5's TV Play-by-Play, with a nickname reminder:

Aminat- The Hair… Fo- Fomula… Allison- Dracula… Tahlia-Earl Grey… Celia- Model T… London- London the Baptist… Sandra- Marathon… Teyona- Cruise…Natalie- TBA …

Eliminated: Carpe Diem (Ep. 1), Sea Cow (Ep. 2), Cucamonga (Ep. 3), Cheesecake (Ep. 4)

:01 I just noticed something about about the intro credits. Tyra is A) Not wearing a bra and is bouncing around like the Braless Wonder on "Seinfeld" and B) Is, at one point, getting makeup applied to her chest. I think this is one of those, "You know you're watching 'Top Model' when..."

:03 Cruise and The Hair gang up on Model T for throwing Earl Grey under the bus last episode (At judging, Model T told Tyra that Earl Grey said she wanted to quit; Tyra told her to shut her face). But then, for some reason, Cruise and The Hair go after Dracula, screaming at her from the staircase. Meanwhile, Earl Grey tells everyone that she is just starting to believe in herself. Dracula says, "It was a little too much Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul for me." Nicely said.

:07 TBA tosses her hat into the ring, saying Earl Grey should expect people to go after her if she says she feels like quitting. The Hair launches into Alpha Female mode (kind of like a Power Ranger, I believe) and gets about thiiisss close to TBA's face while telling her she's stupid. She even spells out s-t-u-p-i-d, in case TBA can't spell, which I think was thoughtful and considerate. I'm glad she didn't try to spell out "intellectually challenged." We could have been here all night.

:08 This show is doing nothing for race relations. It's literally white girls on one side of this shout-fest, and black girls on the other side. I haven't seen this kind of uncomfortable racial rivalry since "Bring It On." Unfortunately for the girls, there's no sign of Gabrielle Union or Kirsten Dunst to cheer this thing out.

:11 Challenge time: Facial expression competition, with guest mentor, Beth Stern. As in, Howard Stern's wife, Beth Stern. I'd tell you more about what happened, but all I can think of is Howard Stern getting intimate with his wife, and I... I... I think I'm going to need counseling.

:22 OK, I'm back. I think Top Model is running out of ideas. The girls had to stick their face into the opening in a cardboard cutout of a Tyra photo. Like you would do at the county fair. TBA won, but I'm not sure if that's something I'd write home to mom about. For winning, she gets extra frames at the next photo shoot, a funnel cake and a stuffed bear.

:24 Earl Grey takes the high road and talks out her frustrations with Model T, who says she was just trying to let Tyra know what was going on and it was nothing personal. This would be more heartwarming if earlier, Earl Grey hadn't told The Hair to go bash Model T, and if Model T hadn't said in her confessional she is not sorry she told Tyra.

:29 Photo shoot time. Keeping with the facial expression theme, the girls have colored dust blown on their face-- think Al Pacino at the end of Scarface, except put food dye in the cocaine-- and are supposed to emote the color. Evidently, Dracula believes emoting hot pink means "Look like a deer just before it's hit by a car."

:32 I'd like to take this moment to mention Fomula. I haven't mentioned her in several episodes, back to when she complained about having a boyish haircut. That's because she has quietly done some of the best work of all the models since that traumatic day, especially after she stopped complaining. So, future Top Model contestants, please don't complain when you get the boy cut. I know you will anyway, but you've been warned.

:33 TBA, colored orange, is told by photo director Jay Manuel to emote "throbbing passion." TBA responds by looking dead in the eyes. I'd hate to be her lover... OK, fine, that's not true.

:39 Did you know "Everybody Hates Chris" is still on the air? I just saw a commercial. Maybe The CW got tired of promoting "Gossip Girl" nonstop and decided to run old ads. Or maybe they can't cancel the show because they have nothing to replace it. I say they run "Saved by the Bell" episodes. I'd watch.

:43 Judging time: The photos (will post examples soon) look like the models made out with a Crayola box. Only a few of the girls actually accomplish the goal of emoting the color. London the Baptist, who had blue, looks like she attended a live performance of Passion of the Papa Smurf.

:55 Fomula gets the top photo (she had red). The bottom two girls are... Marathon, who spent the episode talking about how she is the best in the competition, and Model T, who spend the entire episode talking about how she knows she's going home.

:58 Marathon goes home, but not until Tyra gives Model T a verbal lashing for throwing Earl Grey under the bus. Since Tyra talks. In. Slow. Motion. during judging, this takes about 35 minutes.

:59 Even after she gets kicked off, Marathon says she is better than all the other girls. At least she stuck to her true colors (see the episode tie-in there? Brilliant.)

I'll have Marathon's Real Blogger Exit Interview on Monday, if you're interested...Here's Cheesecake's.

To discuss a Top Model Play by Play: Model Pose-off

I really need to see who's winning in the ratings: America's Next Top Model, or Bravo's Make Me a Supermodel. Does the world really need two model-making shows on the same night? ... I say yes. Here's the TV Play-by-Play of Episode 4, which has a nice twist at the end. Nickname reminders:

Aminat- The Hair… Fo- Fomula… Allison- Dracula… Tahlia- Earl Grey… Celia- Model T… Kortnie- Cheesecake… Isabella- Carpe Diem… London- London the Baptist… Sandra- Marathon… Teyona- Cruise…Natalie- TBA …

Eliminated: Carpe Diem (Ep. 1), Sea Cow (Ep. 2). Cucamonga (Ep. 3)

:04 Marathon continues to be humble. Her top photo from last week is now on display in the house. "That picture shows I'm better than the other girls," says the girl who will be secretly poisoned by fed-up housemates.

:05 Toccara, from season 3, shows up to talk about personality, and, ostensibly, how to be the loudest person in the room at all times. "It's the personality that counts," in modeling, she says. Well, that and being beautiful and willing to pass up a Twinkie or two. She sticks around for a slumber party, but, contrary to dreams of adolescent boys, there are no half-naked pillow fights.

:09 Benny Ninja and Sky Nellor are on. Based on name alone, you'd think they're specialty is... pimping? Hustling? Making YouTube videos about martial arts? No, it's about posing.

:11 The girls listen to different music genres and pose accordingly. Cruise has no idea how to pose for country. Benny tells her to think of hay and horse dung... because nothing creates a more beautiful pose than thoughts of allergies and crap.

:12 In true Top Model form, early in an episode, a girl is picked apart for a personality trait. This time, it's Cheesecake's penchant for being a jokester. This is modeling, Cheesecake! There's no room for laughter.

:19 Is that designer chick a dude?

:20 Dracula says she's freaked out about posing in front of people. Good thing she's not trying to be a professional model by means of a televised reality show. 'Cause that would be awkward.

:21 It's a Model Pose-Off. Benny, dressed as a flamboyant Boy Scout, tells the audience, full of crossdressers, to let the girls know if they are awful. This also solves the mystery of "Is that designer chick a dude." It is a dude. In a blond wig. Looking more feminine than Cameron Diaz.

:22 Cheesecake must have learned her poses from the Sunday circular. It appeared she was trying to convince the audience to purchase an ottoman.

:23 You think Simon Cowell is tough? Try having a room full of angry crossdressers booing you while you wear a sequined pant suit.

:24 Earl Grey, who was booed more lustly than Bill Buckner, Ashlee Simpson and the AIG execs combined, says she wants to quit. Every time she's been criticized, she's crumbled. And yet, she wants to be a model. Don't these girls have high school counselors who are supposed to steer them toward careers matching their personality? Maybe Earl Grey could sell Shamwows or Oxiclean. Nobody can get mad at you with that kind of quality.

:27 I need to note during this commercial break that Tyra Banks makes a cameo in the new Hannah Montana movie, playing herself. Five bucks says she tries to one up Hannah Montana in the movie by trying to create her own alter ego. Actually, I think her alter ego is Miss J.

:30 The photo challenge: Portray an immigrant coming over to Ellis Island, with Benny Ninja as their husband. I would have loved to have seen the boat Benny Ninja came over on.

:32 London the Baptist said her inspiration is Kate Winslet in Titanic, but she's got way too many clothes on for that.

:34 The models also have immigrant children in their shots. Somewhere, a pair of Air Jordans sits unstitched.

:40 Judging time. I have to say, these photos (which will be posted later) are some of the coolest Top Model has done, since they were done on an old-fashioned camera. By old-fashioned, I don't mean Polaroid or the disposable ones that require you to wind the film.

:45 Judge Paulina Porizkova says Dracula looks like the oldest daughter in the photo, like "mommy died on the way over." Way to lighten the mood, lady. This isn't the Oregon Trail. Although, I know I'd like to see the models shoot buffalo and ford a river at one point.

:52 The judges tease Cheesecake for being knock-kneed. Tyra says she used to be knock-kneed and then she "un-knockified them." I presume that means she opened her legs-- most notably in the critically-acclaimed film, "Higher Learning."

:54 About 15 minutes ago, a bunch of the models said Earl Grey should go home because she's a quitter. Now, the judges said she has the best photo of the week. Model T's jaw literally drops.

:57 Marathon and Cheesecake are in the bottom two. And the model kicked off is... Cheesecake, a personal favorite of mine and one of the few girls I'd think is gorgeous if I saw her at the mall. Unless I'm at the mall with my girlfriend. Then I'd say, "What girl? The one with the beautiful hair and the body? Nope, didn't see her."

:58 Wait, last second drama! Model T throws Earl Grey under the bus and tells Tyra that she said she wanted to go home. Tyra throws it back in Model T's face. Yep, that'll come back to haunt her.

Stop back early next week for my Exit Interview with Cheesecake. I do hope to ask her about cheesecake, Model T's comments and maybe even something about modeling.

To discuss a TV Play-by-Play: Top Model's got the Eye of the Tiger

Do you think a little audition pandemonium would slow down Top Model? Of course not! Here's the TV play-by-play of Episode 3; for last week's recap, go here.

Aminat- The Hair... Fo- Fomula... Allison- Dracula... Tahlia- Earl Grey... Celia- Model T... Kortnie- Cheesecake... Isabella- Carpe Diem... London- London the Baptist... Sandra- Marathon... Teyona- Cruise...Natalie- TBA ... Nijah- Cucamonga.

Eliminated: Carpe Diem (Ep. 1), Sea Cow (Ep. 2).

:03 Cucamonga wants the judges to see her personality after being compared to a "beautiful corpse" in last week's photo shoot. That fact is not the important thing here. What's important is that Cucamonga is the first girl highlighted this episode. That usually means she's getting kicked off.

:07 At what point did Miss J, runway trainer extraordinaire, decide, "You know, I really am not into being a dude. Let's see where some lip stick and a fierce walk gets me."
:08 Miss J wants to teach the girls how to do a smooth, elegant runway walk. To accomplish this, he has all the models change into khaki pants and cardigans. If that doesn't get them in the mood to be a high-fashion runway model, then what will?
:09 Where did these girls learn to walk? Cheesecake's walk reminds me of arthritis, and Dracula's either had no training or is auditioning for a maxi pad commercial.
:11 Bianca and Chantal (Season 9) stop in to show the girls how to walk toward each other on the runway without colliding. Should I be worried there needs to be lesson about not slamming into each other?
:12 Training is over, and the girls decided to play Truth or Dare. I'd dare them to all talk like Tyra to Tyra's face (The key is to randomly sing words, over-enunciate during dramatic moments and demand attention), but I'm afraid Tyra would eat their first born.

:13 Earl Grey doesn't like that TBA told her she had one of the worst photos last week. So far this episode, Tyra has chosen multiple clips to anoint TBA as the bitch of the house. This must mean Marathon, who was the agitator in recent weeks, was boring, so they had to spice it up some by forcing a character flaw. It's like when you're in a relationship that's getting stale, so you start picking on your parner's flaws just to irritate them.
:21 If you really wanted to spice things up, Tyra, then you'd stop having the editor-in-chief of "Seventeen" work with the girls in advance of the winner getting a photo spread in the magazine. You'd use the editor-in-chief of Playboy. Think of the ratings! The series could be renamed "Models Next Door."
:22 TBA twirls on the runway, which nearly gives Miss J a heart attack. I think Miss J is PMSing this week.
:23 Dracula naturally has the wide-eyed, bushy tailed look. And on the runway, she's terrified and has the deer caught in headlights look. Combine those looks, and her eyes completely overtake her face. It makes me want to sing "Eye of the Tiger."
:25 Miss J tells Earl Grey her walk looked like she had no confidence, and that Cucamonga is pretty but has a bad walk. This is clearly setting up a Cucamonga versus Earl Grey bottom two at the end of the episode. There's more obvious foreshadowing on Top Model than on Groundhog's Day. Tyra will say something like this: "Who's it going to be? The girl with the great look and personality who has trouble putting it together as a model (Cucamonga), or the girl who takes a good photo but has lost her confidence (Earl Grey)?" Related note: I've seen way too much Top Model. Please help me.
:26 TBA wins the runway walk challenge, despite twirling. This will make the girls hate her more, or at least it will appear that way thanks to clever editing and music selections.
:37 ... Oh, is Top Model still on? I'm sorry. That was one of the most boring, uneventful photo shoots they've had. The girls acted out different New York City cliches (socialites, tourists, strung-out bums urinating in the street, et al). Earl Grey did the best, according to photo director Jay Manuel. TBA, who was in the group shot with Earl Grey, says she's happy E.G. did well. Um, er, what a diva! (Is that what I'm supposed to say, Tyra?)
:47 Judging time. Model T is wearing a suit jacket and tie for the umpteenth time. If I was the oldest model on the show, I don't think I'd wear anything that would make me look older. She needs to invest in a Miley Cyrus T-shirt and booty shorts with "Juicy" on the butt.
:49 London the Baptist and Dracula's joint shot was supposed to be about socialites. Judge Paulina Porizkova says Dracula looks like a "drunken Olsen twin"... opposed to an emaciated Olsen twin, a crackhead Olsen twin or a Michelle Tanner Olsen twin. Which brings me to another question: How long did it take you to figure out in the "Full House" credits that Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen were two different girls? Be honest.
:57 OK, I got it half-right. Cucamonga is in the bottom two with... Dracula. Well, that makes sense. You can't get compared to an Olsen twin and not suffer the consequences.
:58 Cucamonga is out. Please read my first entry in this post. I am a Top Model psychic. I plan on showing off these skills at carnivals and state fairs.

Coming up next week: The girls model in front of crossdressers. Only on Top Model would this happen.
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On Real Blogger, I interviewed Jessica (Sea Cow) last week. An interview with Cucamonga is in the works, too, as well as future ex-contestants. That should work as long as the CW never reads my play-by-plays.

To discuss a TV Play-by-Play: "Top Models" light up with glow sticks

After last week's marathon two-hour premiere, we're now down to 12 contestants on "America's Next Top Model." If it was up to Tyra, I think she'd just tell them she's kicking them all out and anointing herself champion, but I'm sure that's against the rules or something. Here's Cycle 12, Episode 2 TV Play-by-Play, with a reminder of nicknames:

Aminat- The Hair... Fo- Fomula... Allison- Dracula... Tahlia- Earl Grey... Celia- Model T... Kortnie- Cheesecake... Isabella- Carpe Diem... London- London the Baptist... Jessica- Sea Cow... Sandra- Marathon... Teyona- Cruise...Natalie- TBA ... Nijah- Cucamonga.

Eliminated: Carpe Diem.

:05 In a previous season, Tyra made a theme out of how concerned she is for the environment. That must have gone out the window, because the girls are picked up for their challenge in a stretch limo that might get the same fuel economy as, say, a Hummer with a leaking gas tank.
:06 Crazy Tyra moment #1,683: She appears in a video message on Jay Manuel's iPhone to tell both he and Miss J they need to transform the 12 remaining girls into models via makeover. Except, since it's Tyra, she says it like they are on a top secret mission. And it's done with her in front of a blue screen... literally, a blue screen. CW couldn't spring for an exotic backdrop? She is right about one thing: The girls are going to cause drama when they get their hair cut. Happens every season. It's as regular as Aunt Flo at a nunnerymonastery; good catch, although I'd like to see that, too.
:08 True every season: Some of my favorite photos of the models are right after they get their makeover. I wonder if I can arrange a photo shoot right after my next hair cut. Sure, it might look strange for me to pose near-nude in the salon, but it'll really show off my bone structure. My facial bone structure.
:11The Hair loses The Hair, after stylists remove her afro weave like a Mrs. Potato Head accessory. Miss J takes advantage of this and wears the afro around him like a T-shirt, making him look like a black Tom Selleck.
:12 And this year's hair freak out is...TBA! Well, at least she's known for something now.
:18 Oh hair snap! It was all a joke- Jay tells TBA they actually aren't cutting her hair because it's perfect. Jay, Jay, Jay. If you really want to milk the drama, you have to cut all her hair first and THEN tell her you're just kidding.
:20 The real hair diva, it turns out, is Fomula. She had her hair cut short like an artsy Jonas Brother, which would be fine, except there are no Jonas Sisters... Fomula says this is the first time she's ever felt ugly. Really? I feel ugly at least once a month just by getting GQ in the mail. You got one hair cut.
:21 The models are really slumming it now. The Cover Girl spokesperson challenge usually takes place in a Walmart. But there aren't any Walmarts in New York City, so Top Model had to import the Cover Girl make-up wall for the challenge. Curiously, the faux display does not include large families wearing matching sweatpants cursing and screaming from a distant aisle, and NASCAR blankets in a nearby bin.
:25 Teams of three have to get a random girl off the street and show her Cover Girl's new mascara, which is probably the same as the old mascara but with different packaging and marketing. The trio of The Hair, Marathon and Model T win, earning them the right to be part of a commercial no one will remember.
:33 Photo shoot time, with judge Nigel Barker shooting. This time, the girls have to light themselves on fire! with flashing light bulb sticks. Since most girls can barely pose, let alone think about lighting sources, this goes about as smoothly as giving cell phones and GPS's to drunk drivers.
:38 I think at least one model (Fomula) cries every photo shoot. If you went to work and one person cried every day, that would be abnormal and cause for alarm. If you're on Top Model, it's just another day.
:44 Judging time. Every season, Miss J has a gimmick wardrobe thing to represent each girl who gets kicked off. In the past, it's been necklaces, patches, orphaned children, whatever. This year, he's adding a new bowtie for each girl. I wish he'd really go for it and use shrunken heads instead. Or their bras.
:46 I'll say it: London the Baptist (bottom left in group photo) looks like Renee Zellweger with her new makeover. Jerry McGuire Renee, not Bridget Jones Renee.
:50 The judges say none of the girls smile with their eyes, which is a Top Model commandment, right up there with posing with a purpose, having a fierce walk, commanding a presence and not being stuck in weight purgatory between model thin and plus size thick. Oh, and not freaking out on nude photo day.
:55 Now the judges take another look at the photos and have the following reactions: Fake gagging, "I can't even look at it," "She looks dead," "What is she doing?" "Ugly, ugly, ugly." America, your prospective Top Models!
:56 Cruise gets the best photo. Bottom two: Fomula and Sea Cow, whose photo looked like a Facebook photo album reject.
:58 Sea Cow is gone, another one of my favorite nick names down the drain. I'm guessing she feels silly now, considering earlier this episode she said she's not sure if it's possible for her "not to look pretty." Karma, my model manatee, karma. At least she left humbled: "I'm way prettier than some of the girls here."
Coming up next week: The girls attend Miss Jay's charm school. I can only hope it's like VH1's Charm School.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Top Model, Part II

This is Part II of the TV Play by Play of America's Next Top Model's season premiere. We're now down to the 13 finalists, 13 of which will likely never make it big, and 13 of which will suffer a mental breakdown because of their (fill in the blank) issue with their (choose: body/self-worth/attitude/ability/intelligence/slutty tendencies). Part I can be found here, but for your convenience, here's a run down of the nicknames:

Aminat- The Hair... Fo- Fomula... Allison- Dracula... Tahlia- Earl Grey... Celia- Model T... Kortnie- Cheesecake... Isabella- Carpe Diem... London- London the Baptist... Jessica- Sea Cow... Sandra- Marathon... Teyona- Cruise... and two new ones: Natalie- TBA (Until she does anything noteworthy, plain ol' Natalie will be TBA)... Nijah- Cucamonga (from Rancho Cucamonga, a great name for a city. Or a brothel.)

:00 The final 13 meet photographer Nigel and judge Paulina on top of the Empire State Building. Fingers crosses this means a photo shoot forcing the girls to pose with a giant gorilla while dangling off the side... Nope, Nigel's just giving them keys to their posh pad on the Upper East Side. You'd think in a recession the girls would live in a bungalow or a shelter or something. The CW must be better off than I thought.
:01 I'm already hoping they run into the Real Housewives of New York City.
:02 The stereotypes are already forming. Marathon, who claims she's not here for friendships and sees no competition, is going to fill the role of the bitch. Dracula is the quirky one nobody understands. Fomula is the eccentric one. Earl Grey is the inspirational one. And London the Baptist is the girl on a mission... Mentions of Jesus by her so far: 3. Appearances by Jesus so far: 0.
:06 First challenge: "Good Girl, Bad Girl" runway show, featuring a top New York designer whose name I don't recognize because I'm a dude. Why do designers volunteer to let inexperienced Top Model contestants in their show? Haven't they seen how broken their walks are? That's like Ford hiring student drivers to test drive their new cars.
:09 So far, we've had Earl Grey complain that the designer is making her wear pants to cover up her burn scars, and Carpe Diem complain that the strobe lights might cause a seizure. I wonder if Cheesecake will complain there's no cheesecake.
:15 In a Top Model first, Marathon must have thought she was strutting a 5K, because she only walked down half the runway before turning around. Even better, she still thought she did good, not aware the audience gasped when she screwed up.
:18 You know it's early in the season, because the girls are still trying to say nice things about the person they don't like (Marathon, who said other girls are "beneath" her). Give it a few weeks, and this will be all "I can't stand her," "I hate her," and, when they want to go for the jugular, "She's a... 'healthy' weight."
:19 First photo shoot: Portraying beloved childhood actorsgames. This is because, photo director Jay Manuel explains, Tyra believes girls grow up too quickly, and it turns them bad. Tyra, girls grow up too quickly by watching shows like Top Model in which 18-year-olds worry about their body fat and do nude photo shoots. Also, because of MySpace.
:21 Rather than describe how the girls are dressed and the immediate joke that comes to mind, please observe the photo on the right.
:27 What you need to know: Each girl, dressed as a kid, is posing amongst a group of three other girls, dressed as the following: a crack head, a hooker and and a pregnant teen. In social worker circles, that's called the "trifecta."
:29 The childhood games include hula hoop, monkey bars, hopscotch... but, strangely, no "Seven Minutes in Heaven" or "Russian Roulette." Times have changed.
:37 Judging time. Prizes, as always: $100k contract with Cover Girl, a contract with Elite Model Management, photo spread in Seventeen... and, thanks to Obama, extended unemployment benefits.
:41 Girl after girl is busted on by judges for not understanding what the games are all about. Well, if they had picked Dreamphone or Mall Madness instead of Jacks and Double Dutch, maybe the girls would have a clue.
:45 Another commercial promoting auditions for next cycle of Top Model, asking for girls 5'7" and shorter. And the season after that, only girls 570 pounds or heavier.
:49 The judges say they don't like London the Baptist's wide hips. Those are called child-birthing hips, Tyra. You have three sets yourself. Expecting triplets?
:54 Bottom two: Marathon and Carpe Diem.... and Carpe Diem is going home, despite my great nickname for her. Why couldn't TBA go home?
:57 Next week: Makeovers! Bring on the drama train. Every season, girls get makeovers. Every season, a girl says she's too attached to her hair and can't bear to have it cut. And yet, they sign up for a show that they know involves a makeover. That would be like me signing up for American Idol and not wanting Simon to criticize me, or signing up for Rock of Love and not wanting to get as-yet unidentified STDs. Be practical, ladies.