To discuss a 90s TV blast from the past

I got in a conversation last night about 90s SNICK/general Nickelodeon TV shows, as people are prone to do because those shows were awesome.

We tried to come up with as many of those shows as we could off the top of our head, and I think we did surprisingly well, considering most of these shows were only on a few seasons and haven't been on TV since before I knew what bioterrorism or Google meant.

SNICK (The Saturday night Nickelodeon line-up)
* Roundhouse ... A secret gem of the early SNICK line-up
* Are You Afraid of the Dark? ... Much scarier than any crap they put out today. That show gave kids nightmares. All the time. Like, say, yesterday. Shut up, it wasn't my fault.
* Pete & Pete ... Whatever happened to those kids?
* Clarissa Explains It All ... Did you see Melissa Joan Hart has a new TV show with Joey from "Blossom"?!
* Secret World of Alex Mack ... Larisa Oleynik was a fine looking woman. Even better in "10 Things I Hate About You." Then she, like so many others, disappeared.
* All That ... Back when Amanda Bynes and Keenan Thompson were wee pups.

* Keenan and Kel ... We actually tried to figure out what happened to Kel. One guy said he thinks Keenan ate him.

Nickelodeon
* Rugrats ... What a weird show, when you think about it.
* Doug...Patty Mayonnaise: Bringing the sexy back to condiments.
* Salute Your Shorts... sing it right, Budnick, or pay the price
* GUTS ... Fun fact: Mike O'Malley, who hosted that show, is now on a certain Fox musical show that everyone but me loves)
* Hey Dude ...Fun fact 2: Christine Taylor from that show is now married to Ben Stiller, or as I used to call him, "Melody from Hey Dude's husband"
* You Can't Do That On Television... back when you could slime a kid and not get charged with a statutory offense.
* Double Freaking Dare ... Not the official title but it should have been
* Legends of the Hidden Temple ... Let's not even talk about kids sucking at putting together the monkey in the temple at the end of the show. IT'S NOT THAT HARD PEOPLE!

I'm sure we missed a few, but I figured why not bring back a little nostalgia today. Plus, I rarely get to make a quality Salute Your Shorts reference. Please feel free to share your 90s Nickelodeon memories...

To discuss new Golden Girls

First off, let's have a moment of silence for Rue McLanahan.

...

... OK, good. I better not need a moment of silence for our last Golden Girl, Betty White, anytime soon.

But, knowing nothing is more popular right now than Betty, commemorating dead people and the 1980s, maybe I better dust off some recommendations for a reboot of Golden Girls, just in case.

Despite "Sex and the City 2" performing as poorly as Hollywood nuptials, I still think there would be interest in getting the older, original model going again.

The Blanche role:

Suzanne Somers. I didn't grow up watching Suzanne on "Three's Company." I grew up watching her play a sex kitten in the Lambert household on "Step by Step." *

No doubt in my mind she could handle this. There could be a whole episode on kegal exercises with her Thighmaster. Then there could be a bunch of Thighmaster jokes, which are always welcome. Bonus: Patrick Duffy could make random appearances.

* Step by Step is vastly underrated in the pantheon of 1990s sitcoms. Unless we're talking about any episode that focused on the youngest kid, Brendan or whatever his name was. He needed to disappear.

The Rose role:

Aside from Betty White herself, let's get Kathy Griffin's mother, Maggie, to play this. If you've ever seen "My Life on the D List," you know this is perfect. Likable, positive, somewhat clueless and with a sassy side. She'd also drink wine every episode. And basically, Maggie sewed it up when she actually met Betty White in this episode.

The Dorothy role:

Candice Bergen. You knew her as Murphy Brown. Then you knew her as the snooty, uptight judge on "Miss Congeniality." Then you knew her as that character on that Boston show that kept winning Emmys when you didn't know anyone watching it. I think she could handle the snark and the pithy comments.

The Sophia role:

Ellen Albertini Dow: Who, you say? I've never heard of her, you say? Bet you have. Maybe this will ring a bell:

Still nothing? Think "rapping Grandma in 'The Wedding Singer.'" Ah, there we g0. Ellen is ninety-freaking-two and still making movies and TV shows. I hope to be alive at 92. Oh, and she actually guest-starred on the Golden Girls for a few episodes. And she was the sweet, adorable choir nun in "Sister Act." So that's case closed.

Am I right? Do you have suggestions?

To discuss more examples of texting 21222 for love advice

It's been way too long since my first Love Coach post, where I showed you my examples of the types of text messages you might receive if you were to pay $9.99 for this ridiculous service. In my continued effort to save you money, here are more examples. Or, you can just text 21222 and basically light your money on fire... Wild ARS Chase, on the other hand, is free.

Here are questions answered by the love coach, and the name compatibility test (click to enlarge if needed):

To discuss naming your offspring based on a TV show

Theo. Denise. Vanessa. Rudy. Sondra.

Would you want your kids named after characters in "The Cosby Show?" Capricorn said she would. Capricorn loooooves the Cosby Show, while I mostly enjoy Cosby's pudding pops and technicolor sweaters. But now she has announced she would want her children named after the characters. Perhaps she's kidding. Perhaps she's not.

But there's a larger question here. If you were to name your kids after child characters on one TV show, which would it be?

Some options:
Mark, Randy and Brad on "Home Improvement"
Lisa, Bart and Maggie, " The Simpsons"
D.J., Stephanie and Michelle (and Kimmy Gibbler?), "Full House"
J.T., Dana, Karen, Al, Mark and Brendan, "Step by Step"
Eddie, Laura, Steve, Richie, Judy (but only for a short time before she disappeared for no reason), "Family Matters"
Chris, Stewie and Meg, "Family Guy"
D.J., Darlene, Becky, "Roseanne"
L.C., Audrina, Hei... oh, nevermind

I think characters on "Doug" would be sweet: Doug, Skeeter, Patty, Roger... or maybe "Pete and Pete"-- there's Pete, and then there's that other one... Pete.

OK, maybe not. If I had to, I'd choose "Seventh Heaven"-- Matt, Mary, Lucy, Simon, Ruthie, Sam, David.... I'll admit this now: During the TV writer's strike last year, when nothing new was on, I got addicted to Seventh Heaven. Actually, I got my roommate addicted, too. I ended up watching just about every episode of the later seasons, up to the last episode. I almost got teary eyed.... Let's not talk about it...

Instead, which show would you choose?

To discuss some quick thoughts on polls, charity and word verification

Some quick thoughts:

• The Top 90s Young TV Couples poll closed on Sunday. In an election more heated than Obama vs. McCain, Zack/Kelly of Saved by the Bell narrowly lost out to the winner, Cory/Topanga of Boy Meets World. Kevin/Winnie pulled out a third-place finish. Kermit and Miss Piggy garnered just seven votes, their worst showing since the made-for-TV Muppet Christmas special. I'm not surprised Cory/Topanga won. They always seemed right for each other, even in real life. It's nice to know Ben Savage and Fred Savage had a strong showing.
  

• Will/Lisa, "Fresh Prince"	2 (1%)
  Zack/Kelly, "Saved by the Bell"	27 (25%)
  Cory/Topanga, "Boy Meets World"	29 (27%)
  D.J./Steve, "Full House"	6 (5%)
  Dawson/Joey, "Dawson's Creek"	9 (8%)
  Kermit/Miss Piggy, "Muppet Babies"	7 (6%)
  Kevin/Winnie, "The Wonder Years"	19 (18%)
  Stefan/Laura, "Family Matters"	1 (0%)
  Kirk Fogg/Olmec "Legends of the Hidden Temple"	1 (0%)
  Other	3 (2%)

• Another poll is up, this one for just two weeks. The question: When do you put up holiday decorations? I had mine up before Thanksgiving this year, a record. At this rate, I'll be celebrating Valentine's Day on New Year's.
  

• If you haven't already, check out JenBun's post, which links to an effort to raise money for the Lupus Foundation of America; her blog friend, Rachel, has a sister-in-law that suffers from the disease. You can donate through her site. At least one of us out there is doing something good. I spent much of last night swearing at a treadmill and eating granola bars. (Capricorn and I decided to start working out.)
  

• If you leave a comment, here's your assignment: Look at the spam verification word. Whatever it is, no matter what, you have to write a definition for it. So if it's "aslongo,' for example, you could say it's Swedish long underwear. Get it? I would like to be impressed, and I know you won't let me down.
  

To discuss a TV Play-by-Play: America's Next Top Model Isn't Awkward

This is getting serious.
We're down to the top four girls on America's Next Top Model, Cycle 156. For a play-by-play of last week's episode, go here.

Last week's promo previewed a sordid episode for this week. In the grand scheme of ANTM, that could mean anything from a girl cheating on her boyfriend to a girl cheating on her girlfriend to a girl cheating on her diet... So let's get busy.

BiVegan was booted last week. We're left with BritMcKey, Blondboobs, Frenchgirl and Saudi Arabia. (See this for an explanation of names, but, really, you don't care who's who anyway).

:04 The girls recall Frenchgirl's abominiation last week when they went on Go-Sees (visiting designers). She was more awkward than a 7th grade boy asking a girl to dance. Coincidentally, with that haircut, she kinda looks like a 7th grade boy.
:07 The girls practice selling weird items without speaking. They are asked to show off fish, toilet paper and a cell phone. Too bad they weren't asked to sell Valtrex. All you need for that is a canoe and a lake. Because every herpes medication commercial involves people outdoors (That's how you get herpes: Rowing... And sex with strangers)
:09 Don't know why it took me so long to notice, but BritMcKey speaks out of the side of her mouth. It's like that Seinfeld episode when Jerry can't stop saying "Hellooooo... La, la la" around his girlfriend.
:16 The girls are told they are auditioning for a TV commercial. They have to flirt with a guy going by in a taxi. The guy jumps out the car, the girl kisses him. Yep, Frenchgirl should be amazing in this one, if by amazing I meant the 7th grade boy tries to kiss the girl at the end of the song, which likely is Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On."
:18 Each girl auditions. Saudi Arabia continues to be cute and adorable, not unlike Sarah Palin when she's cornered by the liberal gotcha media.
:20 French girl is awkward but in a good way. Good for her. I didn't have to cringe at all. She even wins the challenge.
:23 Frenchgirl calls some Dutch male models to hang out and drink with the girls. Yeah, cause this can't go poorly.
:24 Only Frenchgirl drinks. This is going to get bad.
:25 Now they are basically playing kissing games. Oh no. Now Frenchgirl is in a tub with a half-naked guy, except she's fully clothed. Saudi Arabia, her BFF, is worried.
:29 "If you were drunk off your ass, wouldn't you want somebody looking out for you?" Saudi asks. Been there- I was the DD throughout college. Including on my 21st birthday.
:32 The girls are on their photo shoot at a wind mill. Saudi Arabia is up first and oh now there's a breaking news update (a state official died, so it's understandable). Have you ever had a breaking news update that isn't so breaking? I'd love for the news to one day break into a show and say, "Just kidding. We're seeing if you're paying attention. Now, back to Gossip Girl."
:35 Blondboobs does poorly; she blames it on the clogs. I Blame It on the Rain (cue music).
:38 Last week, BritMcKey reminded me of Natasha Henstridge. This week, it's Robin from How I Met Your Mother. Thoughts?
:44 It's judging time. I predict Frenchgirl and Blondboobs in the bottom two, and Frenchgirl goes home.
:48 Saudi Arabia's jumping-in-air-while-holding-a-pitchfork photo is probably in the top 3 all season, I think. Although, every time I see a pitchfork, I think of burning witches, for some reason. I'm glad we don't burn witches anymore. We just put them on Maury Povich.
:55 Best picture goes to Saudi Arabia. I called it. BritMcKey is second... which means I nailed the bottom two (not sexually. Capricorn would hate that).
:57 Blondboobs is safe. Frenchgirl goes home. I'm way too good at predicting this stuff, but I feel bad for Frenchgirl, who did try to improve her nervousness. Of course, I'm not sure why you'd sign up for a modeling reality show when you have no self-confidence.
:59 Next week, it's the season finale! I could see any girl winning it. I'd also like to nominate myself for the title. Just in case.

To discuss a new item to vote on: 90s TV couples

What's that, America? Tired of democracy?
Well, too bad. It's voting time, and I accept all Republicans, Democrats, unregistered voters, illegal immigrants, felons, Whigs and Tories out there.
I want you to vote in the poll on the right of the page on:

The Top Young Couple from a 90s Television Show
Your candidates are only those who actually got together for a significant period of time. Sorry, Doug Funny and Patty Mayonnaise... Leave comments defending your choice:

1. Will/Lisa, "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" Sure, Lisa gave Will the stank eye every time some fly honey came around, but they were good together. Lisa got Will to settle down and stop chasing girls, so give her credit. And Will looked past the fact that Lisa wore overalls as an outfit several times.
   
2. Zack/Kelly, "Saved by the Bell" Let's admit it. When Kelly decided to break up with Zack to date Jeff, the college guy, and Zack asks her for one more dance at their prom, you got a little teary eyed. Wait, that's just me? Well, screw you.
   
3. Cory/Topanga, "Boy Meets World" This one was destined to be, even in the years before Ben Savage hit puberty and then, uh, became even more awkward.
   
4. D.J./Steve, "Full House" An under-appreciated romance in the legions of 90s shows, these lovebirds dated for two years. Steve was seen eating everything in site, which is ironic, since D.J. was anorexic for a brief time until Steph saw her on the treadmill. (Remember that?)
   
5. Dawson/Joey, "Dawson's Creek" I waxed and waned on my appreciation for DC, but I did watch it enough to know this was the romance that was meant to be, even if Dawson screwed it up over and over by going for the wrong girl or using large words that no 17-year-old should know, not to mention Joey prepping for her years as Tom Cruise's baby maker.
   
6. Kermit/Miss Piggy, "Muppet Babies" Does this need to be explained? Because I don't think it does.
   
7. Kevin/Winnie, "The Wonder Years" I get by with a little help from Kevin Arnold's love for Olive Oil. I never quite understood the attraction, but if it works, it works. I wish they still had this show on. Like, right now.
   
8. Stefan/Laura, "Family Matters" I wish I could include Steve Urkle instead of Stefan, but it was the alter ego that had the longer relationship, which makes Laura a superficial ho.
   
9. Kirk Fogg/Olmec "Legends of the Hidden Temple" There was always a special connection between these two. Kirk would look at Olmec for an answer, for wisdom, for guidance, and Olmec wouldn't even blink- he'd give Kirk, in his khaki cargo shorts glory, everything he wanted.
   
10. Write-in candidate of your choosing (but not Nader)

Results will given at a later date, as they don't show up properly in the sidebar.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: You Got It, Dude!

Dude, if you don't enjoy this, I'm worried about you. I'm going old-freaking-school. Now, I had planned a TV Play by Play of America's Next Top Model, but not now. If anyone still wants me to do so, I will; I'll probably do one for that show periodically along with Making the Band and anything else you suggest.
But what I have for you surely will lift your spirits on this otherwise sad day. It's a TV Play by Play of Full House, circa 1989. In this episode, "Middle Age Crazy," according to Mr. Tivo, Stephanie announces marriage in order to get attention. How rude!
I'll give you a moment to change your underwear from all the excitement. I'm wearing three pairs just for back-ups.
Ready? Cue music...
Whatever happened to predictability? The milk man, the paper boy, the evening TV? (proximity of grocery stores/news Web sites/reality television, since you asked)....
:01 The opening credits are simply amazing. First off, this is back when Michelle was still a toddler, which, surprising to everyone, would be the most the Olsen twins would ever weigh. Another point- how long did it take you to figure out Mary-Kate Ashley Olsen were two people and not just one girl with a long, long name? Me, I figured it out after many years.
Candace Cameron is rocking that red lips telephone, too. Ah, land line phones. She also has on some kind of full-length blue dress that covers almost every inch of her body, a possible prediction factor of her post-show Christian crusade with brother/fellow actor Kirk Cameron (who's totally dreamy, I've been told).
:03 Danny Tanner, holding Michelle, says he wants to make a home video of her with his VHS camera. If he just waited 15 years, he could get one on the Internet of her snorting blow. Patience, Danny.
:04 Stephanie, who is a total brat for a good 3-4 seasons, walks in with her Asian friend, Harry, and demands Danny watch her hula-hoop. Danny shuts her down. Stephanie considers either running away and becoming a prostitute, or pouting as the audience goes "Awww." Fortunately for child welfare authorities, she goes with option number two.
:07 Ah, this is that time when Joey and Uncle Jesse are making jingles together. First off, Joey's technicolor sweater is visually amazing. Why would Alanis Morrisette ever break up with him and write that angry song about how he's screwing around? I mean, the guy does a mean Popeye impression.
And second, the guys are trying to do a rap jingle. You know this show is old school when it's obligatory to do that terrible beat box voice thing and bounce back and forth whenever trying to rap. My, how far rap has come. Now you do a terrible beat box voice thing while slapping around your hos and bragging about being shot.... which, coincidentally, might have made Joey and Jesse's rap jingle about a fitness center a lot more interesting. "Keeping it real to the streets/if you know what I mean/Getting shot in the arm/Curling legs on machines." Something like that.
:09 Stephanie once again tries to get attention, but Jesse and Joey toss her and her scrunchie out. But DJ, in need of a last-minute science project, manages to coerce the two into helping. Maybe it was her long, tightly-braided hair and fluffy bangs that did it.
:10 Stephanie is jacked, and, in true Full House fashion, really lets the expletives fly at DJ. "Well, pin a rose on your nose," she says. The FCC literally poop themselves.
:11 Danny is still video taping Michelle, who is now listening to her Walkman, or, as they might be known now, the inaugural, bulky, non-electronic, limited ability iPod. Stephanie, still seeking attention like an 11th grade girl wearing a low-cut shirt and a miniskirt to math class in January, realizes she's not as cute as Michelle and slowly walks out of the room as that really sad Full House transition music plays. Classic.
:14 Dude, I didn't remember Full House having such sweet special effects: As Stephanie daydreams about how Michelle and DJ get attention for doing nothing special, she imagines that she just got home from her trip to Mars. Wearing a horrendously designed pink space suit, she shows everyone she can fly- and she does! (Of course, you can easily see the wires that are pulling her up. A minor technicality).
:16 Stephanie convinces Harry to marry her, a landmark event on TV as one of the first interracial couples. Stephanie says her new name will be Stephanie Takiyama. I do wonder why people made a big deal out of interracial couples lately on ER and Grey's Anatomy, as if that had never been done before. Clearly, they forgot about Zach Morris kissing Lisa Turtle before her fashion show, or Shawn and Angela on Boy Meets World. We grew up on this stuff.
:21 Stephanie and Harry hold their wedding ceremony in the back yard. She threw the whole thing together- dress, minister, guests, decorations- in what appears to be about 5 minutes. I don't know why women complain so much about wedding preparation. Geez.
:22 Aww, the kid minister said "Holy Mattress Money." Kids say the darndest things.
:23 Does Harry realize that once he gets married, Stephanie is going to nag him all the time? He can forget riding his bike or watching Saturday morning cartoons. And he won't even get marital relations- it's illegal for their age.
:28 Stephanie and Harry Takiyama announce their marriage to the Tanners. Harry promptly says he has to go home for meatloaf night, thus creating another sad divorce statistic.
Stephanie says she's "always going to be stuck in the middle" of DJ and Michelle. I feel ya on that one, Steph. Middle Child Club card carrying member.
:29 Danny's sage advice this episode: "Every family member is unique in their own way." Write that down, people. Danny's nuggets of wisdom are pure gold. Ah, wait for it. Wait for it. Here it is! The Full House "Danny's dad talk music." How can I get that to play when I'm talking?
:30 The show abruptly ends with an ad for a "Bring It On" marathon. How many of those movies are there? Wasn't it already brought-en?

To discuss The Hills and what TV used to mean to us

Ok, so this is what I've learned from yesterday's post comments: Do not make fun of The Hills. Sure, it's based on a made up feud, shows spoiled girls working at fake jobs and highlights girls with fake boobs (I'm talking to you, Heidi Montag), but there are dedicated viewers out there who don't like me taking their show to task. Understood. We'll agree to disagree.
But think of this. There is now an entire generation of teenagers who, in 10 years, will speak of The Hills, Hannah Montana, Punk'd, and Family Guy like we do about the shows we grew up on. Isn't that scary? What's that you say, Andy? Give a list of the 10 shows people in their 20s identify as "their shows"? I'm nothing if not a man who fulfills wishes (and crushes dreams).
Now, this is not a Top 10 list of the best shows of our generation. That's another day. This is the shows that I look at now and say, I grew up on that (keeping in mind that I'm 25). I think that's why I worry about The Hills- it looks like the crap that these top 10 shows spit on in comparison. Of course, so is Making the Band.

1. Full House: This isn't even debatable. I'm fairly certain I've seen every episode. In hindsight, isn't it strange that Danny Tanner let an adult single male, Joey, live with his teenage daughters? How did DJ and Joey not hook up at least once? I think that should have happened at least once, with Joey doing his Popeye voice right in the middle of them screwing while DJ worries that Joey think she looks too fat and has to become anorexic again. Then Stephanie can barge in and say "How Rude!" because Joey won't give in to her offer of a ménage à trois with Kimmy Gibler. I think that sounds like a winner. They can even play the sappy music when Danny sits Joey and DJ down and talks to them about being responsible adults as he hands them birth control. Am I right?
2. Seinfeld: Not everyone gets this show, I know that. But for our generation, I think there was a lot to identify with, mostly because it was so random and didn't take itself seriously (Not that there's anything wrong with that). Most high school guys I knew at the time would quote Seinfeld all the time- What's the deal with Ovaltine?
   
3. Family Matters: What is most interesting about Family Matters is that it didn't start out with Steven Urkel. He came in later and stole the show...I'm still trying to figure out what happened to the youngest kids on that show. Depending on the season, they just disappeared. And then there was that plot point of Urkel turning into Stephon.
   
4. Simpsons: I'm not a huge fan of this show. Actually, I wasn't allowed to watch it when I was younger (that, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles). But it'd be foolish not to include it here.
5. Fresh Prince of Bel Air: Now this is the story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down... You know what? I bet you know the entire theme song. And that makes me like you even more. Let's make out.
6. Saved by the Bell: I think this show truly defines our TV viewing. All the girls loved Zack or Slater. All the boys wanted Kelly to have that modeling gig she earned in France turn into a porn career. And none of us saw it coming that Screech, out of everyone, would end up doing a sex tape one day.
7. Boy Meets World: Ok, I'm sure I'll post about this another day, but Topanga quite possibly could have taken the crown away from Kelly Kapowski as the hottest character on TV. I mean, her freakin name is Topanga. And that Corey- always getting into trouble with Mr. Feeney. He'll just never learn, will he?
   
8. Step by Step: What's funny is that I had no idea Patrick Duffy and Suzanne Somers had careers before Step by Step. For all I knew, that was their first role.
   
9. Salute Your Shorts: How about Donkey Lips is my friend on MySpace? He's a rapper now. That show might have been Nickelodeon's finest work. Camp Anawanna, I do hold you in my heart.
   
10. SNICK: Saturday night line-up on Nickelodeon really sums it up- Alex Mack, Clarissa Explains It All, Roundhouse, All That, Are You Afraid of the Dark, etc. There wasn't a better place to be. That line-up was for us, by us.

Now, you're looking at this list and saying, Andy, dude, what is wrong with you. You forgot____. Well, then, let me know. Comment away. Some of the shows that didn't make the list: Doug, Wonder Years, TRL, Friends, I Love Lucy and Perry Mason...