To Discuss As Seen on TV Week: Bad Products, Fun Infomercials

This continues As Seen on TV Week, full of product reviews, news and other stories of our favorite As Seen on TV products. Here are some products I don't use, and probably for good reason. Check here for a PediPaws , ShamWow, and Hercules Hooks reviews...

Loud 'n' Clear: It boasts it's "So powerful, you can even hear conversations from across the street." In other words, you can easily eavesdrop and spy on neighbors.

Dick Cheney has endorsed this product to help find people of interest who look a little too Arab-ish. You can also use it to listen in on conversations through the locker room wall... just imagine this scenario:

Jenny: "I wonder what Billy really thinks of me. Hmm, let me try hearing through this wall while I stand in nothing but a white towel."
Billy (to friends): "Yeah, dude, Jenny is a total hottie."
Jenny (smiling): "He likes me!"
Billy: "She really knows how to use her tongue on my..."
Jenny (horrified): "Ugh!"

Strap Perfect: Are you tired of having your bra straps show when you wear a sleeveless shirt? Well, stop it. Dudes like to see bra straps because it reminds us that there are boobs nearby. But, if you're not looking to get any, then try the Strap Perfect. It's guaranteed to "give your cleavage a firm, youthful lift."

Or, for a different firm, youthful lift, head down to your local college campus, tell the frat boys you're a cougar, and you'll have young, strapping men carrying you to their bedroom in no time. They'll even make sure you have no need to wear a bra at all, eliminating the need for the Strap Perfect.

Pro Caulk: Have you had caulk problems? Do you ever wish you had quick and easy caulk to use? Try Pro Caulk! Just jam caulk into your crevices, and in no time, you'll be fulfilled. Don't leave caulk to amateurs. Use Pro Caulk.*


Cash4Gold: If you're like a pirateme, you have scores of 14k gold jewelry sitting around your house, just waiting to be cashed in for money. Just slip that gold into an envelope, mail it to Cash4Gold and never see it again as they laugh and laugh get a check in the mail! It's so simple. All you need is a bunch of gold and the brilliant idea of, hey, maybe I should sell it for money, as if you haven't already tried to sell all of your possessions on eBay so you can afford to eat.

Sprayguard 2001: Not just the 2000. The two-thousand... and one! This little beauty protects your Have Mercy face from hair spray, or even pink spray paint that Joey accidentally grabs. Buy this product today and you'll be saying, "You got it, dude!"
The only issue might be that a guy already has the patent to this, so Danny, Jesse and Joey might be sued.

Still to come, once I receive it: A Snuggie review. Also, if you've liked these posts, don't miss the new show, Pitchmen, starring Billy Mays and Anthony Sullivan. It looks too good to be true...
Also, if you looked for an "America's Next Top Model" play-by-play and couldn't find it, it's because I couldn't write one, as my TiVo messed up. But I did write a recap of the highlights show, over at Real Blogger.

* This infomercial brought to you by my 9th grade sense of humor.

To discuss naming your offspring based on a TV show

Theo. Denise. Vanessa. Rudy. Sondra.

Would you want your kids named after characters in "The Cosby Show?" Capricorn said she would. Capricorn loooooves the Cosby Show, while I mostly enjoy Cosby's pudding pops and technicolor sweaters. But now she has announced she would want her children named after the characters. Perhaps she's kidding. Perhaps she's not.

But there's a larger question here. If you were to name your kids after child characters on one TV show, which would it be?

Some options:
Mark, Randy and Brad on "Home Improvement"
Lisa, Bart and Maggie, " The Simpsons"
D.J., Stephanie and Michelle (and Kimmy Gibbler?), "Full House"
J.T., Dana, Karen, Al, Mark and Brendan, "Step by Step"
Eddie, Laura, Steve, Richie, Judy (but only for a short time before she disappeared for no reason), "Family Matters"
Chris, Stewie and Meg, "Family Guy"
D.J., Darlene, Becky, "Roseanne"
L.C., Audrina, Hei... oh, nevermind

I think characters on "Doug" would be sweet: Doug, Skeeter, Patty, Roger... or maybe "Pete and Pete"-- there's Pete, and then there's that other one... Pete.

OK, maybe not. If I had to, I'd choose "Seventh Heaven"-- Matt, Mary, Lucy, Simon, Ruthie, Sam, David.... I'll admit this now: During the TV writer's strike last year, when nothing new was on, I got addicted to Seventh Heaven. Actually, I got my roommate addicted, too. I ended up watching just about every episode of the later seasons, up to the last episode. I almost got teary eyed.... Let's not talk about it...

Instead, which show would you choose?

To discuss a new item to vote on: 90s TV couples

What's that, America? Tired of democracy?
Well, too bad. It's voting time, and I accept all Republicans, Democrats, unregistered voters, illegal immigrants, felons, Whigs and Tories out there.
I want you to vote in the poll on the right of the page on:

The Top Young Couple from a 90s Television Show
Your candidates are only those who actually got together for a significant period of time. Sorry, Doug Funny and Patty Mayonnaise... Leave comments defending your choice:

1. Will/Lisa, "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" Sure, Lisa gave Will the stank eye every time some fly honey came around, but they were good together. Lisa got Will to settle down and stop chasing girls, so give her credit. And Will looked past the fact that Lisa wore overalls as an outfit several times.
   
2. Zack/Kelly, "Saved by the Bell" Let's admit it. When Kelly decided to break up with Zack to date Jeff, the college guy, and Zack asks her for one more dance at their prom, you got a little teary eyed. Wait, that's just me? Well, screw you.
   
3. Cory/Topanga, "Boy Meets World" This one was destined to be, even in the years before Ben Savage hit puberty and then, uh, became even more awkward.
   
4. D.J./Steve, "Full House" An under-appreciated romance in the legions of 90s shows, these lovebirds dated for two years. Steve was seen eating everything in site, which is ironic, since D.J. was anorexic for a brief time until Steph saw her on the treadmill. (Remember that?)
   
5. Dawson/Joey, "Dawson's Creek" I waxed and waned on my appreciation for DC, but I did watch it enough to know this was the romance that was meant to be, even if Dawson screwed it up over and over by going for the wrong girl or using large words that no 17-year-old should know, not to mention Joey prepping for her years as Tom Cruise's baby maker.
   
6. Kermit/Miss Piggy, "Muppet Babies" Does this need to be explained? Because I don't think it does.
   
7. Kevin/Winnie, "The Wonder Years" I get by with a little help from Kevin Arnold's love for Olive Oil. I never quite understood the attraction, but if it works, it works. I wish they still had this show on. Like, right now.
   
8. Stefan/Laura, "Family Matters" I wish I could include Steve Urkle instead of Stefan, but it was the alter ego that had the longer relationship, which makes Laura a superficial ho.
   
9. Kirk Fogg/Olmec "Legends of the Hidden Temple" There was always a special connection between these two. Kirk would look at Olmec for an answer, for wisdom, for guidance, and Olmec wouldn't even blink- he'd give Kirk, in his khaki cargo shorts glory, everything he wanted.
   
10. Write-in candidate of your choosing (but not Nader)

Results will given at a later date, as they don't show up properly in the sidebar.

To discuss a break from the election with a TV Play by Play: Home Improvement

Judging by the blogging world, everyone in America is election crazy today. Now, hey, I voted and got my little sticker. It was nice. And tonight, I'm going to work covering the news of the election. But I don't want all of you to get totally drained by all the red states and blue states and state of minds and state capital of Iowa.*

So, I offer a respite for you this afternoon and evening. It's a TV Play by Play, old school style.
It's a 1993 episode of Home Improvement, "'Twas the Blight Before Christmas." After much success with the Full House play-by-play, this seems like a natural step.

:01 Already, there's an endorsement for a Binford product. If they actually would have made these things, I think I would have bought them. I wouldn't know what to do with any of them, but I would feel more manly if I had a Binford vice and a chainsaw in my house.
:02 First appearance by Tim and Al's show assistant, Heidi. She is one of the truly underappreciated foxes in TV history. She took over for Pam Anderson, and yet was considerably hotter.
:03 The show's opening credits are always amazing as the years go by. You get to see the natural progression of Jill Taylor's hairstyles, which have changed as much as my own mother's. You get to see Mark suddenly become taller than Randy, which I contend is the real reason Jonathan Taylor Thomas crushed Tiger Beat readers by leaving the show for a movie career.... This is still early on, so the boys are really young- Brad still has a mini-mullett. It's also before the show's writer made Mark into a goth for no apparent reason.
:06 Tim is having his annual Christmas lights battle with Doc Johnson. What's that ol' Doc have cooked up this year? Dancing elves on his roof! He's always up to something. If Tim really wanted to win the neighborhood decorating contest, he'd wait a few years until he starred in "The Santa Clause" and then he'd have a real Santa on his roof. Contest. Won.
:09 Brad wants to go on a skiing trip with his friends on Christmas, but Jill says no. I never had this problem when I was his age, mostly because that requires friends inviting you to go places. I did, however, have a sweet Starter jacket- the kinds all the kids wore with some random pro team mascot on it. I had the Jacksonville Jaguars jacket... because it was on sale.
:10 Wilson (who is now dead in real life- such a shame) makes an appearance for his weekly advice giving. As much as possible, I've been posting photos of my girlfriend on this blog with part of her face hidden to emulate the Wilson style and add some mystery. What I really need is a picket fence.
Wilson is working on some Scandanavian Christmas decoration. I never understood how he afforded all these random hobbies, being that he never worked, save for that time when he was Randy's Shakespeare director, and we all know how that ended. Of course, how did Kramer afford living in the same building with Jerry, and how did Rachel afford living with Monica?
:13 Randy confesses he accidentally told Doc Johnson about Tim's Christmas decorating strategy. Randy also confesses he's sorry for "I'll Be Home for Christmas" with Jessica Biel.
:14 Brad refuses to go to church on Christmas Eve because he can't go skiing. Doesn't he know that the Christmas Eve service is the best one to go to, because you can see all the people who skipped church all year but want to hedge their bets so they show up once? Also, so you can worship baby Jesus.
:19 Al says he wishes he could be in the Christmas Eve skit like Mark. Al, consider yourself jealous- I once played baby Jesus. Technically, it's because my mom was pregnant with me in December, but I played the crap out of that role. It kick-started my acting career.
:22 Brad's sweater is all kinds of amazing. There are evergreens and snowflakes on it.
:24 This whole episode is putting me in the Christmas spirit. And yet I have so much Halloween candy to eat.
:25 Tim didn't get injured once this entire episode. Is that a record?
:28 Tim throws the switch on his Christmas display, a la the Griswolds.
:29 I take back that comment about Tim getting injured.
------------------

* Des Moines. Cheater.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: You Got It, Dude!

Dude, if you don't enjoy this, I'm worried about you. I'm going old-freaking-school. Now, I had planned a TV Play by Play of America's Next Top Model, but not now. If anyone still wants me to do so, I will; I'll probably do one for that show periodically along with Making the Band and anything else you suggest.
But what I have for you surely will lift your spirits on this otherwise sad day. It's a TV Play by Play of Full House, circa 1989. In this episode, "Middle Age Crazy," according to Mr. Tivo, Stephanie announces marriage in order to get attention. How rude!
I'll give you a moment to change your underwear from all the excitement. I'm wearing three pairs just for back-ups.
Ready? Cue music...
Whatever happened to predictability? The milk man, the paper boy, the evening TV? (proximity of grocery stores/news Web sites/reality television, since you asked)....
:01 The opening credits are simply amazing. First off, this is back when Michelle was still a toddler, which, surprising to everyone, would be the most the Olsen twins would ever weigh. Another point- how long did it take you to figure out Mary-Kate Ashley Olsen were two people and not just one girl with a long, long name? Me, I figured it out after many years.
Candace Cameron is rocking that red lips telephone, too. Ah, land line phones. She also has on some kind of full-length blue dress that covers almost every inch of her body, a possible prediction factor of her post-show Christian crusade with brother/fellow actor Kirk Cameron (who's totally dreamy, I've been told).
:03 Danny Tanner, holding Michelle, says he wants to make a home video of her with his VHS camera. If he just waited 15 years, he could get one on the Internet of her snorting blow. Patience, Danny.
:04 Stephanie, who is a total brat for a good 3-4 seasons, walks in with her Asian friend, Harry, and demands Danny watch her hula-hoop. Danny shuts her down. Stephanie considers either running away and becoming a prostitute, or pouting as the audience goes "Awww." Fortunately for child welfare authorities, she goes with option number two.
:07 Ah, this is that time when Joey and Uncle Jesse are making jingles together. First off, Joey's technicolor sweater is visually amazing. Why would Alanis Morrisette ever break up with him and write that angry song about how he's screwing around? I mean, the guy does a mean Popeye impression.
And second, the guys are trying to do a rap jingle. You know this show is old school when it's obligatory to do that terrible beat box voice thing and bounce back and forth whenever trying to rap. My, how far rap has come. Now you do a terrible beat box voice thing while slapping around your hos and bragging about being shot.... which, coincidentally, might have made Joey and Jesse's rap jingle about a fitness center a lot more interesting. "Keeping it real to the streets/if you know what I mean/Getting shot in the arm/Curling legs on machines." Something like that.
:09 Stephanie once again tries to get attention, but Jesse and Joey toss her and her scrunchie out. But DJ, in need of a last-minute science project, manages to coerce the two into helping. Maybe it was her long, tightly-braided hair and fluffy bangs that did it.
:10 Stephanie is jacked, and, in true Full House fashion, really lets the expletives fly at DJ. "Well, pin a rose on your nose," she says. The FCC literally poop themselves.
:11 Danny is still video taping Michelle, who is now listening to her Walkman, or, as they might be known now, the inaugural, bulky, non-electronic, limited ability iPod. Stephanie, still seeking attention like an 11th grade girl wearing a low-cut shirt and a miniskirt to math class in January, realizes she's not as cute as Michelle and slowly walks out of the room as that really sad Full House transition music plays. Classic.
:14 Dude, I didn't remember Full House having such sweet special effects: As Stephanie daydreams about how Michelle and DJ get attention for doing nothing special, she imagines that she just got home from her trip to Mars. Wearing a horrendously designed pink space suit, she shows everyone she can fly- and she does! (Of course, you can easily see the wires that are pulling her up. A minor technicality).
:16 Stephanie convinces Harry to marry her, a landmark event on TV as one of the first interracial couples. Stephanie says her new name will be Stephanie Takiyama. I do wonder why people made a big deal out of interracial couples lately on ER and Grey's Anatomy, as if that had never been done before. Clearly, they forgot about Zach Morris kissing Lisa Turtle before her fashion show, or Shawn and Angela on Boy Meets World. We grew up on this stuff.
:21 Stephanie and Harry hold their wedding ceremony in the back yard. She threw the whole thing together- dress, minister, guests, decorations- in what appears to be about 5 minutes. I don't know why women complain so much about wedding preparation. Geez.
:22 Aww, the kid minister said "Holy Mattress Money." Kids say the darndest things.
:23 Does Harry realize that once he gets married, Stephanie is going to nag him all the time? He can forget riding his bike or watching Saturday morning cartoons. And he won't even get marital relations- it's illegal for their age.
:28 Stephanie and Harry Takiyama announce their marriage to the Tanners. Harry promptly says he has to go home for meatloaf night, thus creating another sad divorce statistic.
Stephanie says she's "always going to be stuck in the middle" of DJ and Michelle. I feel ya on that one, Steph. Middle Child Club card carrying member.
:29 Danny's sage advice this episode: "Every family member is unique in their own way." Write that down, people. Danny's nuggets of wisdom are pure gold. Ah, wait for it. Wait for it. Here it is! The Full House "Danny's dad talk music." How can I get that to play when I'm talking?
:30 The show abruptly ends with an ad for a "Bring It On" marathon. How many of those movies are there? Wasn't it already brought-en?