To discuss hating Michael Phelps, a boy pimp and the Andy Shaw of the Month

Capricorn and I have been bf/gf for over a week now, which, if we were in middle school, would be, like, so awesome and practically marriage, but, since we're adults, doesn't mean much beyond the fact we've been together longer than Carmen Electra and Dennis Rodman.
In this time period, she's said several witty gems and other things that had me cracking up, most of which she'd kill me for blogging about.
But yesterday, I finally heard some stories that I told her must be shared...
And, because it's that time of the month just like your mother's period before your dad knocked her up with you, I'll be doing my Andy Shaw of the Month entry.
Everything ties together, I promise.
But first:
Capricorn texted me yesterday to tell me I better be on my guard. A guy asked for her number at a restaurant, and he was totally cute.
Except that guy was a seven-year-old boy. Evidently, he got into a conversation with her while they stood in line, and he asked "Can I have your number?" with the same cavalier, no-big-deal attitude you might use to ask for someone's favorite color, their place of employment or, if you're speaking with a Republican VP candidate, their knowledge of any Supreme Court cases- any of them. Like, name one. Nothing?....
Capricorn thought the boy was adorable. I told her she should have given the number to him. The kid's a pimp. I won't playa hate.
Another story:
Capricorn works with a woman who, because of misinformed religious beliefs, gets offended when people tell her "Bless You" after she sneezes. That's classic. Now, Capricorn could go the Seinfeld route and tell the woman "You are SOOO good looking" after a sneeze, but that could get awkward. I'd rather go with an insult, such as "Thanks for the germs, you olfactory blowhard," but that can be a mouthful.

On to today's topic:
Usually, the Andy Shaw of the Month is about another Andy/Andrew Shaw out there who likely is leading a much richer and better life than I am, with the same name.
This month, thanks to Capricorn's parents, we are going a slightly different route: the Andy Shaw Look-A-Like of the Month.
I've been told I look like a lot of people, from Ben Affleck to that redheaded kid in American Pie who lies about banging that girl, to "somebody I know. I can't place my finger on it." The last one is the best. It's basically saying, "You look familiar, like God may have run out of facial ideas by the time he got to you and went with the usual instead. You have no distinct features that will make you stick out. You look like an old friend, a former teacher, a boyfriend or Michael Clark Duncan."

So I'm on the phone with Capricorn. The following exchange took place, using rough paraphrases:
Cap: "So my parents finally decided on you."
Me: "Decided? Wait, what?!?"
Cap: "Yeah, they decided who you look like."
Me: (Now confused) "Um, who?
Cap: "Michael Phelps, except with better teeth."

This soon turned into a 10-minute conversation of Capricorn telling me why she hates the fact that Phelps is famous, thinks swimming is overrated and that she wouldn't mind if Phelps got murdered, only just kidding, only not really, only just kidding. Evidently, she really, really hates swimming, perhaps more than dead babies or starving orphans. Running is OK, though, she said; swimming is silly because pools are meant to cool off, not to swim fast. I made a mental note not to take her swimming ever, for fear of the children soon splashing around in a sea of red.

So here, for your comparison, are photos of myself and Phelps, plus a bonus one of myself and B.J. Novak, who plays Ryan Howard on The Office, another person I'm compared to lately.
Thoughts?