Thursday, October 2, 2008

To discuss hating Michael Phelps, a boy pimp and the Andy Shaw of the Month

Capricorn and I have been bf/gf for over a week now, which, if we were in middle school, would be, like, so awesome and practically marriage, but, since we're adults, doesn't mean much beyond the fact we've been together longer than Carmen Electra and Dennis Rodman.
In this time period, she's said several witty gems and other things that had me cracking up, most of which she'd kill me for blogging about.
But yesterday, I finally heard some stories that I told her must be shared...
And, because it's that time of the month just like your mother's period before your dad knocked her up with you, I'll be doing my Andy Shaw of the Month entry.
Everything ties together, I promise.
But first:
Capricorn texted me yesterday to tell me I better be on my guard. A guy asked for her number at a restaurant, and he was totally cute.
Except that guy was a seven-year-old boy. Evidently, he got into a conversation with her while they stood in line, and he asked "Can I have your number?" with the same cavalier, no-big-deal attitude you might use to ask for someone's favorite color, their place of employment or, if you're speaking with a Republican VP candidate, their knowledge of any Supreme Court cases- any of them. Like, name one. Nothing?....
Capricorn thought the boy was adorable. I told her she should have given the number to him. The kid's a pimp. I won't playa hate.
Another story:
Capricorn works with a woman who, because of misinformed religious beliefs, gets offended when people tell her "Bless You" after she sneezes. That's classic. Now, Capricorn could go the Seinfeld route and tell the woman "You are SOOO good looking" after a sneeze, but that could get awkward. I'd rather go with an insult, such as "Thanks for the germs, you olfactory blowhard," but that can be a mouthful.

On to today's topic:
Usually, the Andy Shaw of the Month is about another Andy/Andrew Shaw out there who likely is leading a much richer and better life than I am, with the same name.
This month, thanks to Capricorn's parents, we are going a slightly different route: the Andy Shaw Look-A-Like of the Month.
I've been told I look like a lot of people, from Ben Affleck to that redheaded kid in American Pie who lies about banging that girl, to "somebody I know. I can't place my finger on it." The last one is the best. It's basically saying, "You look familiar, like God may have run out of facial ideas by the time he got to you and went with the usual instead. You have no distinct features that will make you stick out. You look like an old friend, a former teacher, a boyfriend or Michael Clark Duncan."

So I'm on the phone with Capricorn. The following exchange took place, using rough paraphrases:
Cap: "So my parents finally decided on you."
Me: "Decided? Wait, what?!?"
Cap: "Yeah, they decided who you look like."
Me: (Now confused) "Um, who?
Cap: "Michael Phelps, except with better teeth."

This soon turned into a 10-minute conversation of Capricorn telling me why she hates the fact that Phelps is famous, thinks swimming is overrated and that she wouldn't mind if Phelps got murdered, only just kidding, only not really, only just kidding. Evidently, she really, really hates swimming, perhaps more than dead babies or starving orphans. Running is OK, though, she said; swimming is silly because pools are meant to cool off, not to swim fast. I made a mental note not to take her swimming ever, for fear of the children soon splashing around in a sea of red.

So here, for your comparison, are photos of myself and Phelps, plus a bonus one of myself and B.J. Novak, who plays Ryan Howard on The Office, another person I'm compared to lately.


bex said...

Cuter than Phelps, but not cuter than Bailey.

Amy xxoo said...

Ok, so ripped abs aside, you dont look much like Michael Phelps at all...

But hey, that last pic makes it look like you are actually on The Office - sweet!

FunnyGal KAT said...

I guess I could see the resemblance to Michael Phelps, but I hope you have better teeth. Dude, the guy is a quadrillion-time Olympic gold medalist, but can't spring for some braces? I think the secret to his swimming powers might be in the 20 extra teeth he has crowded into that mouth of his.

Miss Tiff said...

I don't really think you look like Michael Phelps. Also, it kind of looks like you belong in that Office pic. Which is kind of cool. I kind of agree with Capricorn. I do like to watch Michael Phelps win medals but, swimming is kind of overrated.

SouthernBelle said...

Haha Andy, you do look a little teensy bit like both of them, but luckily better looking! But bex is right, Bailey pretty much pwns you oin the looks department, sorry! (which is okay as long as Capricorn doesn't agree!)

PS - Boy pimp=hilarious. Don't hate the playa, hate the game!

Sam_I_am said...

Maybe Michael Phelps looks like Andy Shaw? Afterall, he's only 23, so you were here first.

hautepocket said...

You know...I also despise Michael Phelps and swimming as an Olympic sport, but that's neither here nor there. This post was hilarious. (In typical Andy fashion.) My one issue is this: Michael Phelps and BJ Novak look nothing alike, as far as I am concerned. (And yes, I am very, VERY concerned, ok?!) I totally see the Novak comparison...but that's as far as that extends. Also, I could have posted a shorter comment that simply read, "I agree with Bex."

Andy said...

Bex- Thanks, and I agree
Amy- Michael Phelps abs belong on the set of "300." Andy Shaw's abs belong on the set of "Everybody Loves Ben & Jerrys"
Kat- Those extra rows of teeth act as mouth fins. True story.
Tiff- Just for kicks, I'll post another photo of me in a scene. I think you'll like it.
Belle- Capricorn DOES agree. She has told me she wants to steal Bailey and leave me, which is understandaBails.
Sam- A fine, fine point. Kudos.
Haute- No one will blame you for being succinct.

sj said...

i will be the sole voice of dissent here:

i heart michael phelps and his big dopey grin. he's adorable. and he scares me a little, but only in that i'm a human condor with the ability to reach across the country and smack you upside the head for dissing swimming as a sport.

as for you? adorable. but not at all like michael phelps. you actually look like a guy named bryan burdick, who sat behind me in my english 311 class and was a resident in the dorm i was the PA for.

~Sheila~ said...

Okay, maybe some features are similar. But in order to get the full effect..you have to make the same face he is making.
Then we'll know for sure.

Also, Capricorn really should have given the little boy her number cause I would be curious to see if he actually calls...and if he did..what would he have to say?

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