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Monday, October 6, 2008

To discuss making a fantasy league with your entire life

I've got great news...
I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico. Just kidding.*
No, it's even better than that. Beside another Pittsburgh Steelers victory (won in part because I had Capricorn wear my Steelers jersey for those tense final minutes), I won another week of fantasy football. I'm unde-freaking-feated.
I'm not expecting for you to care about my fantasy football team, anymore than I care about your fantasy world in which The Hills isn't scripted, you can eat chocolate all day and not gain weight and you never regret drinking just one more beer.** I'm sure you're undefeated in that world, too.

Here's what I think you do care about. I think we should have fantasy leagues for other areas in life. For an idea of how fantasy scoring works, go here before reading on, and make sure you imagine a room full of nerds hovering over stat sheets. That's vital.
I've included some potential scoring options. Enjoy. Oh, and before you kill me, and since I learned my lesson the last time, The Hills is a great awesome super nonscripted totally realistic blah blah blah show.

Fantasy politics: Just like real life, teams could be divided into the Republic League vs. the Democrat league. Potential scoring options:
  • Barack Obama talks about "change": 5 points
  • John McCain says he's a "maverick": 5 points
  • Obama talks about working class people: 8 points
  • McCain mentions he was a prisoner of war: 15 points
  • Joe Biden looks like he might be your grandfather: -4 points
  • Sarah Palin says any of the following: "maverick" "energy" "hockey mom" "tolerate gays" "Alaska" "Joe Sixpack" "Totally lack experience necessary for the vice presidency" "Prettier than you": Ranging from +10 to -10 points.
  • The media criticizes Palin without criticizing Biden: 3 points
  • The media makes a random, unwarranted Hillary crack: 25 points
  • You see a political ad where no one approves this message: 20 points
  • A news program, for no reason at all, shows that awesome Howard Dean clip where he starts rattling off states and screaming: 100 points.
Fantasy friendships:
  • Your supposed best friend dates your ex behind your back: 25 points for you, -14 karma points for them.
  • Your buddy plays wingman for you for a night: 10 points each.
  • Another one of your friends gets engaged: 40 points for you, -13 points for them.
  • Another one of your friends gets married: 10 points for you, 12-15 months for them.
  • Another one of your friends gets divorced: 50-50 odds.
  • Another one of your friends has a baby: 10 points for you, 100 points for the baby, -4 points for the friends, unless it's a crack baby, then that's 15 points.
  • You only know your friend's birthday because of Facebook: -1 point
  • You crash a wedding with your best friend and get invited to a politician's summer house for the weekend only to get busted for your shenanigans: 5 points as long as you did it before "Wedding Crashers."
  • You tell a friend his fly is down: 10 points
  • You don't tell a friend his fly is down just because it's funny: 11 points
Fantasy poverty:
  • You have just enough money to pay all your bills: 1 point
  • You have just enough money to pay all your bills and go out a few nights a week: 10 points
  • You have just enough money to get bailed out by the federal government as soon as you go belly-up because of your reckless spending: 700 billion points
  • You don't even have enough money for a Little Debbie Snack Cake: 1 Andy point
  • You realize that even if you have basically nothing, you're probably better off than 75 percent of the world: 1 good perspective point
  • Your best financial plan involves winning Plinko on Price is Right: Awesomeness.
* No, actually, that did happen. I saved a couple hundred dollars. Geico is The Truth.
** We all know what happened when you had that extra beer. His name is Derek, he lied about having a job or not having an STD, and no, he's not calling you back. Stop waiting by the phone.
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I changed the blog layout, if you haven't noticed/only read this on your blog reader. You like?

13 comments:

Laura said...

Mr. Kifer would not like being called a nerd (even though when it comes right down to it he is) while looking over stat sheets. :*)

Laura said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Laura said...
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Ben said...

How do you win karma points back?

you know...a friend of mine who can often be a bitch would like to know...

It's NOT me. My FRIEND, I said...

Miss Tiff said...

I agree with you I do think we should have fantasy leagues in other areas of our life. It would make things a lot more interesting that's for sure.

I'm loving the new layout. Just decide it was time for a change??

Andy said...

Laura- Noted. Remind Mr. Kifer that, basically, his career is one big fantasy league.
Ben- Not easily, my friend. Not easily. Try walking an old lady across the street.
Tiff- I figured I should shake things up, now that I've been doing this for two months and since, evidently, a bunch of other people had the same layout as I did.

The Logarithmic Spiral said...

HA! Remember how Mark Perry used to impersonate that Howard Dean clip? Man, if anyone had it nailed, it was good ol' Mark.

And for the record, I won't claim that The Hills is not scripted...only that I'm addicted to it.

PS The price is wrong, Bob!

So@24 said...

I made a drinking game out of your list.

I blacked out 10 mins in.

bianca said...

"Your best financial plan involves winning Plinko on Price is Right: Awesomeness."

Plinko!!! That game kills me. You have such high hopes with all those little disks in your hand, just to have the dreams crushed minutes later. It's almost as bad as being the 3rd person to bid on a dining room set just to have the last person bid $1 higher than you and win.

Muffy Willowbrook said...

after reading one post?

I'm so totally gonna follow you now....

You might be from the planet Awesome.

sj said...

i do like the new layout!

i'm not entirely sure how i'd be doing in this fantasy league.

i still don't get the scoring. but i have got to be high up there on the fantasy friendship team. unless. wait. how many points do you get if your friends divorce? because out of the 6 weddings the year we got married, we're down to 2 couples still together.

ladyfi said...

Loved this post! Yeah - and the new layout.

~Sheila~ said...

I need to start getting my team together so that we can start the fantasy poverty league.

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