Wednesday, November 12, 2008

To discuss things I learned from Cosmo

I have no shame in admitting I occasionally read Cosmo. What's that, Andy? Your man card is being rejected?
Eh, I barely used it, anyway.

Capricorn had the November edition in her car, so I start perusing through the glossy pages. Here are things I found. If you wouldn't normally read Cosmo because it's basically softcore porn for women, then stop here:
  • When Lauren Conrad wants to feel sexy, she puts on"fancy panties." Something about that phrase sounds very unsexy, like they are rhinestone-covered granny panties.
  • "Sneaky Signs He's Dating Other Chicks," such as "he waits forever to call." I've got another one- If he asks you what to get the other girl for Christmas, then he's probably dating other chicks.
  • On a list of 75 naughty tricks, Cosmo advises women to "flash back to high school' by keeping panties on during sex. Is that what happens during high school? I just remember studying and playing sports... Are you still a virgin if you keep them on?
  • A question about guys: "He sometimes says 'Take it, bitch!' during sex, and it weirds me out." Hahahahahahahaha. That's fantastic. And appropriate.
  • To make a guy friend consider you as a girlfriend, "take him out for a spicy dinner, like Mexican or Thai. The hot sensation triggers an unconscious personality association, so he'll see you as a fiery chick." Also, he'll associate you with a Pepto Bismol commercial.
  • To avoid getting a speeding ticket, tell the officer you are "about 30 seconds away from" peeing your seat. So, not only can girls use cleavage and flirtation to get out of a ticket, now they can urinate their way out of it, too? Not fair.
  • "10 Evil Ways to Get Back at an Ex." So THAT'S how they learn this stuff. Freakin' Cosmo. Example: "Pay your pregnant friend to pee on a stick that you lave for him with a 'Thanks for nothing' note attached." Good God, please don't do that.
  • The "Sexiest Sips for the Fall" includes a drink called the Pink Eye. Yeah, cause nothing's sexier than shouting in a crowded bar, "Hey, can I get Pink Eye?"


The Logarithmic Spiral said...

Ok, first of all, apparently we both have way too much time on our hands today. Second, I've totally used the "I have to pee" excuse to get out of a ticket. And by "I have to pee" I really mean I told him I had explosive diahrea and he could follow me home if he thought I was lying. He didn't follow me home. That's hot, huh?

Other things I've done to get out of a ticket:
-Played the dumb chick who doesn't know anything about cars: "I accidently hit the gas instead of the brake, officer. Those pedals are so close together I get confused!"
-Pretended to be on the phone sobbing, saying I just found out some awful news and had to get home right away.
-Played the local yocal/I get off with anything in the summer card: "I drive down this road all the time and I've just never noticed the speed anymore.
-Name dropped
-Sometimes not do anything, just sit there and look pretty and apologetic

Basically I'm evil and I'm going to hell. But, I can say that's I've never unbuttoned my shirt to show cleavage...that's just an everyday occurrance.

LBluca77 said...

Oh great now you know all of our secrets.

SouthernBelle said...

Haha, Cosmo is dreadful!

I would totally use the cleavage/imminent urination excuse to get out of a ticket, except I don't drive (since The Incident).

SouthernBelle said...

PS, Andy - you are on my fancy new blogroll! Plus check out my new post : )

Diane said...

First, the Pepto comment made me laugh out loud. I love it when that happens! Second, I'm going to try the 'gotta pee' excuse to get out of a ticket if it's ever necessary. Third, the pregancy scare is just MEAN. Though I've met a few guys who could stand to be scared a little. Not that I'd do it. Just sayin'.

Ben said...

Is wearing panties during sex like the most common high school birth control of prayer?

stealthnerd said...

"If you wouldn't normally read Cosmo because it's basically softcore porn for women, then stop here:"

I didn't. But that was a seriously awesome line.

Shieldmaiden1196 said...

"To make a guy friend consider you as a girlfriend, take him out for a spicy dinner, like Mexican or Thai."

Uh, okay. And decorate your bathroom with sexy pictures of yourself so he has something alluring to contemplate while he's hunched in there with the squits and you are sitting on the couch staring at frozen Matt Damon in midair with the DVD on pause flipping through an old Cosmo wondering why it takes guys so long to do the business.

To avoid getting a speeding ticket, tell the officer you are "about 30 seconds away from" peeing your seat.

Okay, confession. I was nabbed for 54 in a 30 in the City of Corning and I wrote an (honest) letter with my plea explaining that I was desperate for a pool in which to drop the kids when I was pulled over. Received plea offer: The People would accept a guilty plea for 'Failure to Obey Traffic Signal' in lieu of the original speeding fine. Guilty as charged, thank you very much. It DOES work.

sj said...

i don't read cosmo -- and haven't since i was 19, but i have to say - that it does provide GREAT blog fodder.

i almost peed when i read the "take it, bitch" line. which was awesome, because it totally got me out of a traffic ticket.

kk said...

11. Don't date guys that read Cosmo.


bianca said...

1) Pink Eye? Really??? Have we actually run out of "intereting" names for drinks? Are there special alcohol eye drops that go into the drink too?

2) Keeping panties on during sex? I wasn't that cool in high school. I was too busy sitting at home watching TRL

Cosmo is out of control sometimes...but highly entertaining

Sophia said...

haha when I read the title of this post I knew it was going to be good... and now I remember why I stopped reading Cosmo.

Lump said...

I'm going to pick up a copy of Cosmo today. Take it, bitch!

Amyxxoo said...

I never buy Cosmo - admittedly i'll flip through it if my younger sister buys it. Basically its the same old recycled crap every month, none of which is actually EVER going to work.

Ergo, Cosmo is no good - but your post was great considering the magazine you based it on.

Sarah said...

reading your review of cosmo stories is way better than the actual mag. you should do this more.

So@24 said...

Your survey is really cruel, man. Really, really cruel.

It's like Sophie's Choice.

scargosun said...

Wow. I have not read Cosmo in a long time...this is why.

Andy said...

Spiral- I don't know whether to be offended or inspired.
LBluca- Yep. Now you're screwed.
Belle- Don't use cleavage and the urination thing at the same time. That's offputting. And thanks for the blogroll add.
Diane- Mean, but effective.
Ben- God listens. But not when you ask Him to take back that whole sex without protection thing.
Nerd- I've always thought that; I don't know why Cosmo isn't considered the same thing as Maxim.
Shield- Congrats. And thanks for the awesome Matt Damon reference.
SJ- You're welcome.
KK- No, that's a good observation. You'd think Capricorn would catch on.
Bianca- 1) Yes, really, although it looked de-lish. 2) TRL goes off the air this month. Tear.
Sophia- You're not missing much
Lump- Daddy likes.
Amy- Think about the fact your little sister is reading about sex advice
Sarah- I am fairly certain this will now be a recurring feature.
So@24- Cruel, but with good intentions.

littlemsblogger said...

Now that you know all of OUR secrets (esp. keeping the panties on during sex --- I thought everyone knew that in high school - NOT)....

What secrets can we learn from a guy????....oh wait, you said you gave away your man card didn't you??

Anonymous said...

Funny how in high school, and maybe even college, I used to think Cosmo was the sex bible. Funny how now it just scares the crap out of me.

Miss Tiff said...

Great post. I laughed so much when I read the "take it bitch" line. I haven't read cosmo in a long time. Hope you make this into a regular thing. Um, also hope that no gal ever gives you the "thanks for nothing" note.

Marinka said...

Cosmo has the best relationship advice. Another great way to know that he's dating another woman is if you notice that his penis is inside her vagina. Although maybe that's jumping to conclusions.

Andy said...

LittleMs: I have an idea on that sharing guy secrets thing... Let me see what I can do.
Haute- It is scary, isn't it? I can't believe they give any of that advice
Tiff- Yeah, you and me both
Marinka- Aptly put.

Sam_I_am said...

One of our former classmates suggested that I do the pregnancy test to the ex-bf. I considered it, but thought it would be bad Karma.

~Sheila~ said...

Fancy Panties, huh?
I don't know anything about any fancy panties. I have my "regular" panties and the "special time of the month" panties. TMI???
Buck up dude! You'll learn this soon enough.

I do have several pairs that have pockets (I know..riiiight!!) and Angel likes to guess what's in them. TMI again??

Whatever..it's late in the night and no one else is awake.

Lily said...

freaking hilarious. LOVE this!

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