Eh, I barely used it, anyway.
Capricorn had the November edition in her car, so I start perusing through the glossy pages. Here are things I found. If you wouldn't normally read Cosmo because it's basically softcore porn for women, then stop here:
- When Lauren Conrad wants to feel sexy, she puts on"fancy panties." Something about that phrase sounds very unsexy, like they are rhinestone-covered granny panties.
- "Sneaky Signs He's Dating Other Chicks," such as "he waits forever to call." I've got another one- If he asks you what to get the other girl for Christmas, then he's probably dating other chicks.
- On a list of 75 naughty tricks, Cosmo advises women to "flash back to high school' by keeping panties on during sex. Is that what happens during high school? I just remember studying and playing sports... Are you still a virgin if you keep them on?
- A question about guys: "He sometimes says 'Take it, bitch!' during sex, and it weirds me out." Hahahahahahahaha. That's fantastic. And appropriate.
- To make a guy friend consider you as a girlfriend, "take him out for a spicy dinner, like Mexican or Thai. The hot sensation triggers an unconscious personality association, so he'll see you as a fiery chick." Also, he'll associate you with a Pepto Bismol commercial.
- To avoid getting a speeding ticket, tell the officer you are "about 30 seconds away from" peeing your seat. So, not only can girls use cleavage and flirtation to get out of a ticket, now they can urinate their way out of it, too? Not fair.
- "10 Evil Ways to Get Back at an Ex." So THAT'S how they learn this stuff. Freakin' Cosmo. Example: "Pay your pregnant friend to pee on a stick that you lave for him with a 'Thanks for nothing' note attached." Good God, please don't do that.
- The "Sexiest Sips for the Fall" includes a drink called the Pink Eye. Yeah, cause nothing's sexier than shouting in a crowded bar, "Hey, can I get Pink Eye?"