Wednesday, December 3, 2008

To discuss things I learned from Cosmo: December

Here's December's installment of the new feature, "What I Learned from Cosmo," including Cosmo's advice and stories. I borrowed Capricorn's Cosmo, with this month's cover girl, Jessica Simpson and her shirt twins, as evidently she doesn't take photos now with a non-cleavage baring shirt.
As always, if you wouldn't normally read Cosmo because it's magazine smut for women, then stop here. My comments are in italics:
  • Right off the bat, Cosmo offers a "Things I Didn't Know Till This Issue." Maybe this post is already done for me! One tip: "Storing the Pill in your bathroom may reduce its effectiveness due to moisture." Really? I thought having sex reduces its effectiveness.
  • Girls like to look at half-naked girls. Why else would all the ads be of scantily-clad women? Or are all women secretly lesbians who just pretend they like dudes?
  • Jessica Simpson says the thing she gets the most compliments on is her... nose?
  • In a section dishing on "hilarious observations about Hollywood stars," Cosmo takes some jabs that are just sooo funny. "The Sex and the City movie was a huge hit, but now that Carrie, Charlotte, and Miranda are all married, they may have to call the in-the-works sequel Celibacy and the City." Oh no you didn't, Cosmo! You went there! Oh yes, you did!
  • "Read between his lines: He says 'It's just a guy thing, so you wouldn't understand.' He means: It's going to upset you if I explain."... Yeah, what he means is that we don't feel like talking to you about why we we're mentally figuring out the bra size of your best friend.
  • "I have a bad cold and look terrible. How can I camouflage my red nose and eyes?"...Glad you asked. I'd suggest a ski mask, or a gig at the mall as Santa's helper, or getting addicted to heroin so that people are more concerned about your habit than they are about how you look like Amy Winehouse's supplier.
  • Advice on having "Total Body Sex": Unless he is going to stick it in your ear, I don't think the headline is accurate, Cosmo. Unless you're into that. And then I'd suggest using protection- ear plugs and Q-tips.
  • A section on "Smart Girlfriend Behavior," telling girls to do things like "Give him a quick kiss, don't be all over him." My favorite is "Accidentally forget your necklace at his place so he thinks of you/Don't leave a toothbrush." This is why guys get upset with girls. Because they play mind games. And now I know who is the Game Maker. It's you, Cosmo.
  • Cosmo's "Naked Quiz," including this question: "Would you ever put on a stripping/lap dance act for your bf? A) Hell yeah! B) Maybe after taking one of those classes C) Only if he begged for it on his birthday"... Or D) Only if I get paid for it and all his friends post the photos on Facebook. It might get me on next season's "Rock of Love."
  • Ten Phrases He Never Wants to Hear: "You kiss just like your brother...Well, here's the good news: Your boys sure can swim!"... Or "That's so cute! It looks shy. Will it get bigger or does it stay tucked away like a scared flesh turtle?"
  • "How much discharge indicates an infection?"...WTH??!?! If you have to ask, you probably have something.
  • My horoscope for Aquarius: "Pay attention when you have a light bulb moment about something important, courtesy of electrified Uranus." ... Who wants to make the joke here?
  • Cosmo's Red-Hot Read: "When Bailey wrote out her holiday wish list, she neglected to include an evening with a sexy guy. But she got her dream package anyway."... I was right. Cosmo really is soft-core porn.


stealthnerd said...

This is my favorite new feature ever. For one, it negates the need to actually purchase Cosmo. And for another, well, it's just so freaking hilarious.

Oh, and are we still doing that definition stuff? B/c my word was "bogindb" which is a clearly a drunk person's bodega.

Yeah, I said it.

Áine Caitríona said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Áine Caitríona said...

When I was little I used to actually take Cosmo pretty seriously. Like, I remember once it said not to eat unless you were out at a restaurant with your boyfriend because, while every man likes a girl with a healthy appetite, no one likes a fatty.

Cosmo, expect a bill from my therapist totalling the past twelve years in the mail.

Also, my word is "ovedu", which this particular invoice clearly is.

Kellie said...

OMG, I'm dying at the 10 things he never wants to hear comment. HILARIOUS!

~Sheila~ said...

Yeah, I was into cosmo before. Watch out.
You get addicted.
I liked the articles about the bloopers and the crazy stupid embarrassing things people would write in that happened to them. Those were always funny

sj said...

this is so great.

i'm totally going to raid my husband's stack of Men's Health for future blog material...

Anonymous said...

Did you seriously say "flesh turtle"? Oh dear.

Lump said...

Are you reading Teen Cosmo also, Andy?

Marinka said...

Jessica Simpson has a nose?!

SouthernBelle said...

Ohhhh, Smart Girlfriend Behaviour. So disturbing!

They have things like that all the time, like "Pretend you're sometimes too busy to take his call so he thinks you have a full social life."

Um, how about just having a full social life so that you'll be a happier person and not so desperate to trick a dude into liking you?

Also, word ver:
tatedes - a hybrid vegetable from potatoes & swedes

SouthernBelle said...

Also, Jessica Simpson has a bum nose (it has a cleft in the middle, like a tiny little ass)

Ben said...

My contribution is stolen directly from today's @bboudreau tweets:

My favourite is the seemingly mandatory monthly, Try To Convince Women to Put Things in Their Husband's 'Backdoors' article

Jest said...

The thing about Cosmo is that Jessica Simpson's not the only one who's showing a tad bit of cleavage. That's the rule with Cosmo...it's called Cosmo Cleavage.
I appreciate your overview, saves me $5.00 on buying it. Thanks!

Paula said...

Frankly, I'm surprised la Simpson gets ANY compliments on her nose. It looks fake.

Runs in the family, I guess . . .

Kylie said...

Too funny! I love a good laugh to make the work day go by faster!! Thanx!!

JenBun said...

I got a gift subscription to Cosmo last year. The issue you just reviewed is my LAST ISSUE!

I'm okay with that-- EVERY issue is Exactly. The. Same. (Though if you review them every month, I'll still read your reviews!)

Do you LIKE having Uranus electrified?!? Kinky!

(What?? Nobody else was making any jokes about it...)

[Word verification: dingatiw. I don't know what it means-- I'm too busy yelling "The dingo ate my baby!"]

Diane said...

Once, when she was about 6, Ryan organized all my magazines for me... she told me, "Mama, the house ones are over here, the Oprah ones are here, and all your sex magazines are here." Me: "Ummmm... sex magazines, honey?" Ry: "Yes, see? Here..."

She was talking about Cosmo and Glamour... every SINGLE issue had the word "SEX" in big letters on the cover. I just asked her not to mention my sex magazines at school.

Amy xxoo said...

Flesh turtle ? Classic!

Also - you're an Aquarian ? Me too! Aren't Aquarian babies just the best ?

Andy said...

Stealth- I now get Capricorn to buy Cosmo for me, although I say it's for her. I'm sneaky.
Aine- It said that? That's horrifying. Fatty.
Kellie- Sometimes, I even shock myself.
Sheila- It reminds me of when I briefly got addicted to Days of Our Lives.
SJ- DO IT. I might do the same with GQ. They have crazy advice in there.
Motown- Yes, yes I did.
Lump- Not yet. But that's an interesting thought.
Marinka- She does, but her dad doesn't talk about it.
Belle- Exactly. The advice is all about being sneaky. And now I have to watch I don't stare at Jessica's ass or her other ass.
Ben- Hahahahaha. I can't add much more than that.
Jest- I'm nothing if not a giver.
Paula- Remember when Ashlee got that nose job? She looked like a different person before.
Kylie- Quite welcome.
JenBun- Thanks for jumping on the joke train. Everybody else avoided it.
Diane- You are a cougar- you have sex magazines.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

haha. you're funny.

I will tell you that personally I like to look at half naked women because they're sexy and beautiful and they give me something to compare myself to and contribute to me body obsession and self loathing...but that's just me.

The Rambler said...

Wasn't much into Cosmo....but if you give your take on it every month. I'm in! (Not innn, but you know?!, just in case you thought I was a soft core porn kinda gal...cause I'm not...on Wednesdays. :)

Jossie Posie said...

The first thing I noticed was her nose but only because I hadn't scrolled down once I did I may have shouted "Hello boobies, maybe a bra would be appropriate!"

Famously Single said...

Aw Andy you are such a gem! I love your interpretation of Cosmo

~Sheila~ said...

What song are you talking about on my post?

TishTash said...

Cosmo...proliferating women's stereotypes since 1967.

And off topic, I loved your haiku. It was supremely inappropriate, thanks!

Miss Tiff said...

This is now one of my favorite features of you.. Ha ha ha scared flesh turtle.. That's funny!

Andy said...

Petra- Cosmo: Making girls question their desire to eat anything fattening since 1970
Rambler- On Thursdays, however...
Jossie- She doesn't own a bra. Her dad took them all away to sleep with them at night.
Single- Thanks- it's one of my new favorite things to write
Sheila- I think you already saw my response.
TishTash- Ooh, that's another good one... You're welcome on the haiku. I would never be a good children's author.
MT- Coming from you, I greatly appreciate the compliment, as you've read just about everything I've written on here.

Rachel said...

the discharge bit made me gag a little...

*~Dani~* said...

I think I have read that issue. Then again, every issue is exactly the same, almost down to the title of the articles, so who really knows. I do know that every time I read Cosmo or Glamour I get deja vu with some of the letters sent in by readers. I swear they swap them back and forth and reprint them. Keep your eye on that.

My word today is "breginc" which is pronounced "bray jinx" and is the party trick of putting the first girl who falls asleep at a slumber party's bra in the freezer.

So appropriate for today's post.

Alexa said...

gosh i haven't picked up a cosmo in YEARS. now i won't have to ever again with this feature

LBluca77 said...

I love this feature. And because of it I will save so much money not having to buy Cosmo anymore.

Sophie, Inzaburbs said...

I think I read this one too ... circa 1986.

Dave Q. said...

God bless Jessica's noses. I mean, nose. :)

Jenners said...

Hey--I'm visiting because Diane gave you a shout out today. Your stuff is good. I'm four or five posts down so I guess I'll have to add you to my blogroll! Good stuff!

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