To discuss things I learned from Cosmo: December

Here's December's installment of the new feature, "What I Learned from Cosmo," including Cosmo's advice and stories. I borrowed Capricorn's Cosmo, with this month's cover girl, Jessica Simpson and her shirt twins, as evidently she doesn't take photos now with a non-cleavage baring shirt.
As always, if you wouldn't normally read Cosmo because it's magazine smut for women, then stop here. My comments are in italics:

• Right off the bat, Cosmo offers a "Things I Didn't Know Till This Issue." Maybe this post is already done for me! One tip: "Storing the Pill in your bathroom may reduce its effectiveness due to moisture." Really? I thought having sex reduces its effectiveness.
• Girls like to look at half-naked girls. Why else would all the ads be of scantily-clad women? Or are all women secretly lesbians who just pretend they like dudes?
• Jessica Simpson says the thing she gets the most compliments on is her... nose?
• In a section dishing on "hilarious observations about Hollywood stars," Cosmo takes some jabs that are just sooo funny. "The Sex and the City movie was a huge hit, but now that Carrie, Charlotte, and Miranda are all married, they may have to call the in-the-works sequel Celibacy and the City." Oh no you didn't, Cosmo! You went there! Oh yes, you did!
  
• "Read between his lines: He says 'It's just a guy thing, so you wouldn't understand.' He means: It's going to upset you if I explain."... Yeah, what he means is that we don't feel like talking to you about why we we're mentally figuring out the bra size of your best friend.
• "I have a bad cold and look terrible. How can I camouflage my red nose and eyes?"...Glad you asked. I'd suggest a ski mask, or a gig at the mall as Santa's helper, or getting addicted to heroin so that people are more concerned about your habit than they are about how you look like Amy Winehouse's supplier.
• Advice on having "Total Body Sex": Unless he is going to stick it in your ear, I don't think the headline is accurate, Cosmo. Unless you're into that. And then I'd suggest using protection- ear plugs and Q-tips.
• A section on "Smart Girlfriend Behavior," telling girls to do things like "Give him a quick kiss, don't be all over him." My favorite is "Accidentally forget your necklace at his place so he thinks of you/Don't leave a toothbrush." This is why guys get upset with girls. Because they play mind games. And now I know who is the Game Maker. It's you, Cosmo.
  
• Cosmo's "Naked Quiz," including this question: "Would you ever put on a stripping/lap dance act for your bf? A) Hell yeah! B) Maybe after taking one of those classes C) Only if he begged for it on his birthday"... Or D) Only if I get paid for it and all his friends post the photos on Facebook. It might get me on next season's "Rock of Love."
  
• Ten Phrases He Never Wants to Hear: "You kiss just like your brother...Well, here's the good news: Your boys sure can swim!"... Or "That's so cute! It looks shy. Will it get bigger or does it stay tucked away like a scared flesh turtle?"
• "How much discharge indicates an infection?"...WTH??!?! If you have to ask, you probably have something.
• My horoscope for Aquarius: "Pay attention when you have a light bulb moment about something important, courtesy of electrified Uranus." ... Who wants to make the joke here?
• Cosmo's Red-Hot Read: "When Bailey wrote out her holiday wish list, she neglected to include an evening with a sexy guy. But she got her dream package anyway."... I was right. Cosmo really is soft-core porn.