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Monday, December 22, 2008

To discuss a cry of pain not heard since the scalping scene in Dances With Wolves

Have you ever murdered a puppy with your bare hands? How about slapped a kitten? Have you ever thrown a mouse through a garbage disposal?

If you have*, then you know the sound my dog made Saturday night.

Something is wrong with Bailey. Capricorn and I were hanging out Saturday night, watching my Tivo recording of the new Muppet Christmas special (excellent). Capricorn bumped Bailey in the back leg...

And in a sound not heard since "When Sharks Attack" on Discovery Channel's "Shark Week," Bailey let out a squelch that sent a chill through our bones. I've accidentally stepped on his tail before, and he's let out a yelp. This was different.

When I went out to bed that night, with Bailey under the covers as always, I thought everything was fine. I bumped into him at one point, and there it was again. "Yeoowwwlooungatabingbang!" There were no bumps on him, no thorns, no marks, nothing. He moved a bit, and was fine, back asleep. Every hour, for the next four hours, he would let out a battle cry that made Braveheart run in fear. At 4 a.m., completely rattled and sure Bailey had contracted some rare disease not seen since the Oregon Trail days, I took him to another room and put him in his crate for the rest of the night so as not to nudge him.

I spent 4-4:02 a.m. researching "Dog screams when I touch his rear."
After getting strange bestiality** search responses, I changed it to, "Dog yelps in pain when touched."
Evidently, he likely hurt his hip or pulled a muscle. If I don't let him jump on anything/climb any stairs for a few days, he should be fine, according to several reputable web sites/Yahoo user responses.

All Sunday morning and afternoon, Bailey didn't yelp. He peed fine, he ran fine, he sniffed the crotch of Capricorn's dog, Leo, fine. But, right before Capricorn left, Bailey lept on the couch.
"OhhhHHHKELLYCLARKSON!"

We're back to bed rest for that little dude.

This must be how parents feel when their child is sick. I wonder if my mom ever accidentally stumbled on bestiality photos when researching for my aches and pains...
--------------------
* P.S. You're going to hell.
** Did you know that bestiality is spelled without the "a" in beast? Who knew? Well, beside dirty pervs.

23 comments:

Ben said...

Ugh. Mystery dog ailments and injuries are actually the worst thing ever. As infuriating as it might be, I really hope he's just faking it for attention.

Áine Caitríona said...

Hahaha

I hope the puppeh is right as rain in a few, but you really did manage to make the tale of diagnosis enjoyable.

Also, my word is "scouse". I feel like that's either a derogatory term for people from Liverpool or an infectious disease.

SouthernBelle said...

Ohhh, poor little furry baby...

Hope he feels better soon.

Jest said...

Awh, poor puppy!! One time I accidentally shut my cat's tail in the door and it was the worst noise I believe I've ever heard!

Teej said...

Poor Bailey. I hope he's faking it too. If that's the case you should let him be a puppy actor. I think he might win an Oscar...just think about it.

elle michelle said...

Awww! Sounds horrible!! I would have outrageously demanded a house call at 4am, but, then again, I'm pretty neurotic. Hope he's okay!

Sam_I_am said...

My dog was determined to eat stuff she shouldn't like kleenex and stuffig out of her dog bed. Then she'd throw up this pile of wet fluff. I was terrified, but the vet said everything was okay with her bloodwork. I stopped giving her the types of treats that I was giving her and started giving her doggie vitamins and she magically quit. How old is Bailey? Could he have arthritis?

Rachel said...

While I do not wish pain on your dog....could you get him yelling "OHKELLYCLARKSON" on tape please?

It would really make my day

RainbowEclipse said...

A) I hope your dog feels better soon --- that's awful knowing you can't really do anything for him but force him to let it heal...

B) I'm glad nobody's here today, because I had a laughing fit after reading the Kelly Clarkson yelpage line...

thank you.

Liz said...

I think my cat, Cash, has something wrong with him too.

I'm not just saying that because you said your dog has something wrong with him... (you know those types of people who always try to top what you do & make their love ones sick...Can you say Munchausen syndrome?)

Anyways, I hope Bailey feels better soon... =^..^=

Lizzie said...

Oooohhh poor little guy! I hope he feels better soon.

PS. Wasn't the Oregon Trail game great? You got to shoot animals and give people you hates syphillis. Oh the good old days...

Kellie said...

Poor lil guy! I hope he gets better soon! When my dog was a puppy I had him in my arms and started to reach out to put him down and for some reason he leapt out of my hands and landed on his face on the hardwood floor. He whined/yelped for a good 5 minutes. I thought he was dying! Poor thing! But eventually he just stopped, looked up at me and gave me a lick. I knew he was okay but boy did I feel like an awful parent!

Andy said...

Ben- He's not Britney Spears.
Aine- Perhaps a Liverpool resident WITH an infectious disease.
Belle- Me too. I feel awful.
Jest- That sounds extremely painful.
Teej- A new category- "Best Doggies Faking Pain."
Elle- I was trying not to freak out too much. It's terrible, because you don't really know what's wrong.
Sam- Throwing up wet fluff... hahaha... Oh, and Bailey is about 6 years old. Not quite old enough for arthritis for a chiweenie, especially since it just happened suddenly. But you never know.
Rachel- I'll work on it, but there's probably a copyright infringement from Judd Apatow.
Rainbow- Consider it my Christmas gift.
Liz- I hate when people do that. "Oh, I got fired today." "Well, uh, my house is on fire and I have AIDS!"
Lizzie- It is such a good game. I loved shooting extra buffalo just for fun.
Kellie- Bailey once jumped off a tree stump and landed on his side with a terrible thump. It sounded terrible. I thought he died... but he was fine.

Jossie Posie said...

At times, when my Bailey is hurt or not feeling well I break down and just start asking her to tell me whats wrong. One day I am SURE she will be able to tell me. Until then it sucks.

I usually call the vet and just take her in. I'm all for wasting time and money to make my baby better.

I hope Bailey 2.0 feels better soon.

SouthernBelle said...

Also, since I never had dogs as a kid, only cats, I keep forgetting that dogs can't land on their feet, so Busta and Missy are both acquainted with hitting the floor spine first, poor things...

PS - I put up a new Aussie Dictionary post, I think you'll like it

PPS - Word ver: exing (verb): the act of transforming a current significant other into an "ex".

Lump said...

OMG this is such a sad post. Tell Bailey he can live with me so you will stop abusing him.

TishTash said...

Poor fella, I know how he feels. I scream when people touch me too. On World Hug Day, forget it, I'm a complete wreck.

Andy said...

Poor thing!

JenBun said...

Poor Bailey-bean! I hope he feels better soon!!!

Maybe you should kiss it? I mean, that's what your mom would have done...

;)

*~Dani~* said...

Hope it's nothing serious and that he gets better soon! Poor thing,

~Sheila~ said...

You actually looked up "dog yelps in pain when I touch his rear?"

That's funny.

Perhaps you should send him in for X-rays. I know...money issues...just in case it keeps up.

Mo said...

Hmmm... was googling roughly the same thing today and came across your post. Was wondering if you ever found out what it was. My dog's been doing that and my vet said this is how dogs have seizures sometimes. It just seems like he's in pain, but supposedly he's not...

Andy said...

Mo- As best the vet can figure, he hurt his back. She gave him some strong pain meds and he was fine a few days later after taking it easy. He also owes me $550.

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