Thursday, December 18, 2008

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Real Housewives of Orange County

It's been awhile since I last did a TV Play-by-Play. The end of the America's Next Top Model season contributed to that, and I didn't see many shows that would work (although I'll take suggestions). I will likely be doing them on American Idol, but that's a month away. So, to satiate my reality appetite, I picked this week's episode of the Real Housewives of Orange County. For a show synopsis and cast list, go here.

:03 Gretchen is holding a girls-only burlesque party. Included items: A riding crop, pasties and various items that would make you blush in front of your priest. Gretchen, wearing a peacock outfit, practices a burlesque dance. She says she wants to perform it for her 56-year-old fiance with leukemia, Jeff, "to lift his spirits." Or, you know, to give him a heart attack and kill him.
:07 Vicki, who is a workaholic and constantly tells her husband she doesn't want to be around him, is trying to convince that same husband they should buy a yacht. The yacht has more square footage than my apartment. It also has a washer and dryer on it. My apartment doesn't have that on it, either. But, of course, money isn't what really matters*. To buy the yacht, though, they have to sell their vacation home they've had for years.
:09 Vicki's daughter is in tears because she loves the vacation home. Vicki's husband loves it, too. But, since Vicki doesn't care what they think, she overrules them. See you later, lifelong memories.
:15 Gretchen and the new housewife, Lynne, go clothes shopping. Gretchen complains her boobs aren't large enough, even though they are big enough to breastfeed a village of infants. The cashier tells Lynne her total bill is $12.39. Oh wait, she said $1,239.15. I'm not used to a retail store cashier using six digits.
:18 What did these moms look like before all the plastic surgery? Maybe they were dudes.
:20 Tamra's husband is at the shooting range. There is a sign that says "No gangsta style shooting." The funny thing is, without a visual, you still know what that means.
:23 Gretchen says Jeff is 23 years older than her... and just 4 years younger than her dad. Which means Jeff and her dad could have had the following conversation while they were attending rival high schools: Jeff: "Hey, Gretchen's future dad. Nice game of hoops today. You're great on offense. I couldn't stop you from scoring." Dad: "Yeah, and in about two decades, you're going to score with my daughter. So let's call it even." Jeff: "Sounds good."
:30 Lynne's daughter reveals her secrets to getting over a hangover (it involves a cold shower). Oh, and her daughter is 17. Just in case that's relevant.
:44 Now that Lauri left, only Vicki and Jeana remain from the original cast. There's more turnover on this show than on "E.R." And all they have to do is talk about clothes, cars and their ex-husbands. Maybe there should be a new spin-off, "The Real Bloggers of the the Internet," and all of us can be on it. Sounds good? No pasties, though. It's a family show.
:53 It's funny how Bravo forces these on-screen friendships. Bravo finds a new housewife, and the other women just pretend they happen to have made a new friend... who they harass incessantly behind their backs. It's like high school, but with plastic boobs and $500 haircuts.
:56 Tamra, Jeana and Vicki go out for a girl's lunch. Tamra calls Gretchen to see how Jeff is doing (not well- he has pneumonia, on top of leukemia.) Vicki, ever-compassionate, rolls her eyes as Gretchen talks. She's right, too. How could Gretchen be so insensitive to talk about her dying fiance? Geez.
:59 Coming up next week, all the girls go on vacation, drink heavily, grope each other and get in catfights. Maybe they should rename this Housewives Gone Wild.
* Unless we're talking about buying stuff. Then money matters. You can't buy stuff with hopes and dreams.


~Sheila~ said...

I've tried watching this show several times I just can't bring myself to sit and watch a bunch of spoiled rich chicks. (It's why I never watched the hills).
I can't even watch the black version.

I totally know what you mean by gangster style shooting. I do it all the time so I would never be on that show. (also cause I have no money or a rich, dying old husband)

Ben said...

I just caught an episode last night to see that Vicki's kids were complaining that they had to go on vacation in Mexico after just getting back from Costa Rica. HOW TERRIBLE FOR YOU.

Áine Caitríona said...

I hope everyone on this show gets cancer.

I'm only half-kidding.

Jest said...

I'm with Ben's comment. What the hell was the complaining about being on vacation about?
I'm only slightly ashamed to admit that I love this show though.

Andy said...

See, I'm an awful person. I add you to my blog list but I forget to add you to my Google Reader though I believed I DID.
So what happens? I notice you HAVE written things, but they don't appear on my google reader I check it, and you're not added. And then I die in embarassment.

Oh, and I kind of hate this housewives.

scargosun said...

I cannot watch this show without planning to drive to Atlanta and smack each housewife with a rubber playtex glove I used while cleaning the toilet.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

hahaha! These ladies really need to get a REAL life. I saw that last episode too! Classic!

BTW-thanks for stopping bye my blog!

Kellie said...

This show is a train wreck. You just can't tear yourself away from it if you see it is on. I try to avoid it at all costs b/c it just pisses me off at their total lack of reality. Most people don't have a 2nd home, let alone a yacht and vacations to anywhere they want to go! Boo!

Lump said...

haha awesome. I watched the first two seasons of this show... but it made me feel like punching boobs. I almost punched myself in my OWN PLASTIC BOOB. seriously.

by the way, I'm saving for a yacht. I will buy it probably Never.

Liz said...

Speaking of train wreck of shows... Has anyone seen the show "Momma's Boys" on NBC? OMG!!! Why??? I ask this because I don't get to see OC housewives...

Andy said...

Sheila- "The Black Version"= funny. The Atlanta housewives are even crazier, especially Kim, the white girl.
Ben- Let's shed a collective tear.
Aine- Wow.
Jest- Don't be ashamed. Embrace it.
Andy- I still like you, enough so that our top-secret post will be coming out very soon.
Scargo- Um, have you done that often?
Candy- Thanks to you, too. I loved your cop story today.
Kellie- I can't wait until Bravo's 14th version, Real Housewives of a random Pennsylvania suburb. Then it'll get nasty, Wal-mart style.
Lump- I'm sure your fake boobs are much nicer than theirs.
Liz- I've only seen commercials. Please blog about it. Thanks.

So@24 said...

Why Lord why!?

TishTash said...

"The Real Bloggers of the Internet." Excellent idea. If you're ever hard up for blogging ideas, you can just go around casting bloggers. I can't wait to find out who'll be the drama queen!

bex said...

I want to be on this show. Do they take Asians?

SouthernBelle said...

"The Real Bloggers of the Internet."= Best. Show. Ever.

Step off, Bex - this show's Token Foreigner slot has already been filled by ME!!!

; )

SouthernBelle said...

Also, people with too much money make me angry. This is why I cannot watch this show, and why I stopped watching My Super Sweet Sixteen.

SouthernBelle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Andy said...

TishTash has just created one of the best ideas I've ever heard of, other than Wendy's Frosties with little oreos swirled in....ooh, so good... where was I?
Oh yeah- I think there's a blog post that I'll have to write to audition people for the Real Bloggers of the Internet. Stay tuned.

JenBun said...

I'll only agree to appear on "Real Bloggers" if you remove the no-pasties clause.

I'm sorry, it's in my contract!

Geiger Girl said...

I agree with Jenbun, don't nix the pasties just yet. Haven't you watched family shows lately?

So from now on I refuse to watch tv, I just want to read your recap. Much funner (that's right, I said funner) than watching the real thing.


*~Dani~* said...

The Atlanta version is so much better. There is going to be a showdown on that one soon. And by show down I mean a gun fight where someone dies.

Reality TV rocks!

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