To discuss a TV Play by Play: Real Housewives of Orange County

It's been awhile since I last did a TV Play-by-Play. The end of the America's Next Top Model season contributed to that, and I didn't see many shows that would work (although I'll take suggestions). I will likely be doing them on American Idol, but that's a month away. So, to satiate my reality appetite, I picked this week's episode of the Real Housewives of Orange County. For a show synopsis and cast list, go here.

:03 Gretchen is holding a girls-only burlesque party. Included items: A riding crop, pasties and various items that would make you blush in front of your priest. Gretchen, wearing a peacock outfit, practices a burlesque dance. She says she wants to perform it for her 56-year-old fiance with leukemia, Jeff, "to lift his spirits." Or, you know, to give him a heart attack and kill him.
:07 Vicki, who is a workaholic and constantly tells her husband she doesn't want to be around him, is trying to convince that same husband they should buy a yacht. The yacht has more square footage than my apartment. It also has a washer and dryer on it. My apartment doesn't have that on it, either. But, of course, money isn't what really matters*. To buy the yacht, though, they have to sell their vacation home they've had for years.
:09 Vicki's daughter is in tears because she loves the vacation home. Vicki's husband loves it, too. But, since Vicki doesn't care what they think, she overrules them. See you later, lifelong memories.
:15 Gretchen and the new housewife, Lynne, go clothes shopping. Gretchen complains her boobs aren't large enough, even though they are big enough to breastfeed a village of infants. The cashier tells Lynne her total bill is $12.39. Oh wait, she said $1,239.15. I'm not used to a retail store cashier using six digits.
:18 What did these moms look like before all the plastic surgery? Maybe they were dudes.
:20 Tamra's husband is at the shooting range. There is a sign that says "No gangsta style shooting." The funny thing is, without a visual, you still know what that means.
:23 Gretchen says Jeff is 23 years older than her... and just 4 years younger than her dad. Which means Jeff and her dad could have had the following conversation while they were attending rival high schools: Jeff: "Hey, Gretchen's future dad. Nice game of hoops today. You're great on offense. I couldn't stop you from scoring." Dad: "Yeah, and in about two decades, you're going to score with my daughter. So let's call it even." Jeff: "Sounds good."
:30 Lynne's daughter reveals her secrets to getting over a hangover (it involves a cold shower). Oh, and her daughter is 17. Just in case that's relevant.
:44 Now that Lauri left, only Vicki and Jeana remain from the original cast. There's more turnover on this show than on "E.R." And all they have to do is talk about clothes, cars and their ex-husbands. Maybe there should be a new spin-off, "The Real Bloggers of the the Internet," and all of us can be on it. Sounds good? No pasties, though. It's a family show.
:53 It's funny how Bravo forces these on-screen friendships. Bravo finds a new housewife, and the other women just pretend they happen to have made a new friend... who they harass incessantly behind their backs. It's like high school, but with plastic boobs and $500 haircuts.
:56 Tamra, Jeana and Vicki go out for a girl's lunch. Tamra calls Gretchen to see how Jeff is doing (not well- he has pneumonia, on top of leukemia.) Vicki, ever-compassionate, rolls her eyes as Gretchen talks. She's right, too. How could Gretchen be so insensitive to talk about her dying fiance? Geez.
:59 Coming up next week, all the girls go on vacation, drink heavily, grope each other and get in catfights. Maybe they should rename this Housewives Gone Wild.
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* Unless we're talking about buying stuff. Then money matters. You can't buy stuff with hopes and dreams.