Dear Burger King employees,
When your former campaign slogan is "Have It Your Way," I expect to, um, Have It My Way. I'm not asking for much when I patronize one of your restaurants, and I already feel guilty about going there (I watched "Supersize Me"). So the least you can do, BK, is not mess up my order. Twice.
I eat cheeseburgers plain. Yes, plain. No mustard, no ketchup, no pickles, no onions. Meat. Cheese. Bun. Bam. So, if my double cheeseburger gets all that extra stuff on it, I just can't eat it.
When I ordered such a burger last night via drive thru, I was disappointed to find that, although the receipt said plain, the top of the burger looked like an Andy Warhol condiment painting. Better yet, it was with the wrong bun- some sort of Whopper bun.
Because I was jonesing for a burger like an addict at the methadone clinic, I decided to take my chances and return it. On the second attempt, you got the plain right. But you used an entirely different type of bun, and burger patties that were likely destined for a Whopper and not my small-by-comparison double cheeseburger.
I know you get paid crappy wages, and that your employer thinks it's smart to offer its own fragrance, but can you just do me a solid and take an extra second next time? I'd greatly appreciate it.
Flame-broiled for you,
Dear Animal Cracker manufacturer,
I must admit, I love your product. Not the iced kind. The plain kind. It's low fat, so I don't feel guilty snacking on them throughout the day (which makes me feel less guilty about going to BK). Sure, there's not a lot of taste, but, like Robin Williams in "Hook," I just imagine what it could taste like.
But I have yet to understand your animal rotation. Sure, you've got the good ones: Lions, horses, hippos, etc. And yet you've got llamas and buffalo in there. WTF, Animal Cracker dudes? Who made that executive decision? Llamas are the black sheep of farm animals, and white people shot most buffalo when they killed all the Indians.
Couldn't you choose cooler animals, like sharks, tarantulas, hawks or chihuahuas? (sorry, I'm biased) Just a thought.
Crackin' up for you,
Nice job not getting any holiday cards out this year. You continue to be a worse and worse friend with each passing year. At this rate, your friends will begin to "accidentally" lose your address when December approaches. You're about two years away from having three ghosts haunt your dreams and make you sing about a Christmas goose.
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