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Friday, December 19, 2008

To discuss a few letters to improve quality control

Dear Burger King employees,
When your former campaign slogan is "Have It Your Way," I expect to, um, Have It My Way. I'm not asking for much when I patronize one of your restaurants, and I already feel guilty about going there (I watched "Supersize Me"). So the least you can do, BK, is not mess up my order. Twice.
I eat cheeseburgers plain. Yes, plain. No mustard, no ketchup, no pickles, no onions. Meat. Cheese. Bun. Bam. So, if my double cheeseburger gets all that extra stuff on it, I just can't eat it.
When I ordered such a burger last night via drive thru, I was disappointed to find that, although the receipt said plain, the top of the burger looked like an Andy Warhol condiment painting. Better yet, it was with the wrong bun- some sort of Whopper bun.
Because I was jonesing for a burger like an addict at the methadone clinic, I decided to take my chances and return it. On the second attempt, you got the plain right. But you used an entirely different type of bun, and burger patties that were likely destined for a Whopper and not my small-by-comparison double cheeseburger.
I know you get paid crappy wages, and that your employer thinks it's smart to offer its own fragrance, but can you just do me a solid and take an extra second next time? I'd greatly appreciate it.

Flame-broiled for you,
Andy

Dear Animal Cracker manufacturer,

I must admit, I love your product. Not the iced kind. The plain kind. It's low fat, so I don't feel guilty snacking on them throughout the day (which makes me feel less guilty about going to BK). Sure, there's not a lot of taste, but, like Robin Williams in "Hook," I just imagine what it could taste like.
But I have yet to understand your animal rotation. Sure, you've got the good ones: Lions, horses, hippos, etc. And yet you've got llamas and buffalo in there. WTF, Animal Cracker dudes? Who made that executive decision? Llamas are the black sheep of farm animals, and white people shot most buffalo when they killed all the Indians.
Couldn't you choose cooler animals, like sharks, tarantulas, hawks or chihuahuas? (sorry, I'm biased) Just a thought.

Crackin' up for you,
Andy

Dear Andy,
Nice job not getting any holiday cards out this year. You continue to be a worse and worse friend with each passing year. At this rate, your friends will begin to "accidentally" lose your address when December approaches. You're about two years away from having three ghosts haunt your dreams and make you sing about a Christmas goose.

Bah humbug,
Ebenezer

24 comments:

Andy said...

So, "plain" hamburguers, "plain" cookies and "plain" friendships?

If I were you I'd call Capricorn right now and tell her she's not "plain". At all.

SouthernBelle said...

Animal Cracker: Predators.

Awesome.

PS - Burger King (called Hungry Jack's in Australia BTW) is generally the best of the burger joints but you would think if they base their whole marketing strategy around customizing your burger that they would manage to get it right occasionally.

PPS - You are a hardcore burger-customizer and I bow to you. Mine still has ketchup on it.

Erin said...

I spend a lot of time inspecting animal crackers as we often have them for snack at school. One crappy brand of animal crackers has an animal I have yet to identify. It appears to be some sort of yeti-baboon-sheep hybrid.

Brandon Szuminsky said...

Burger King is called Hungry Jack's in Australia??? That's the coolest thing I've ever heard.

Lump said...

is a tarantula an animal?

and I can't believe you feel guilty about eating BK.

Astharis said...

I hate condiments on burgers, so I can sympathise with you here... Although I generally stay away from fast foods anyway.

I don't know whether we have animal crackers in the Uk but we have another version that are like biscuits with chocolate. They're delicious, and we don't have any of that llama nonsense.

TishTash said...

I can't for the life of me send out Christmas cards either. Is there a support group?

Kellie said...

I have gotten my Xmas cards done and addressed however I have procrastinated on buying the stamps so they are sitting in a huge pile on my coffee table still. We'll see if I can get them out prior to Xmas... Here's hoping! :)

SouthernBelle said...

Tish - Child, please. Christmas cards? I didn't even get around to sending out thank-you notes after our wedding.

I wrote them out the day we got back home, & I took so long to post them I gave up & had to phone everyone instead.

~Sheila~ said...

I'm a little partial to the McDonald's regular cheeseburgers. But since it's noon and I'm hungry right now...A BK burger sounds just about right.

I don't send out Christmas cards. I got one from a friend this year and I felt really guilty that I never send any out..ever.


Then I got over it.

JenBun said...

Letters are fun!

You managed not to drop any F-bombs in yours... I'm impressed!

Andy said...

Andy- She already knows she's the relish on my hot dog. No, that's not a euphamism.
Belle- Sounds like a Dateline special: When Animal Crackers Attack.
Erin- A yetbash?
Brandon- I didn't know that, either. I love Australia.
Lump- It is in my book. And I don't feel THAT guilty.
Astharis- Animal cracks in the U.S. are like plain vanilla cookies. Nothing fancy. Yours sound better.
Tish- We need to start one.
Kellie- That's sad that you can't even get yourself to buy stamps.
Belle- That's even more sad.
Sheila- I like Hardees the best, but they don't have Hardees everywhere.
Jen- F you.

kate said...

LOL, I have that problem too - I tend to get just the meat, cheese, and the bun, with ketchup. It's odd seeing how many people or places can screw that one up, but they do. The best thing about special order, though, is the fact that I know they have to make it fresh (and I check for pickle imprints, as goofy as that sounds).

And I agree - the animal cracker company should market a Predators version of those crackers.

JenBun said...

*gasp!*

FunnyGal KAT said...

If you think Burger King employees are bad at, um, actually doing their jobs, try Taco Bell. I order nachos with chicken instead of beef and it's confusing to them because there isn't a button on the cash register that says, "Chicken instead of beef." I think I once paid $8 for nachos because they were a "special order."

Mel said...

I eat plain cheeseburgers too. Well, I order them that way then dip them in ketchup, but whatever, the ordering's the same. A waitress one time delivered my plain burger to me thusly:
"Here's your plain, dry, gross cheeseburger." bitch.

Jenners said...

I'm a "catsup" only girl myself but have just about given up -- the only place that actually seems to make things to order is Wendys.

Agree on the animal crackers -- only go with some mainstream animals.

Screw the Christmas cards. What is the point? Does anyone do anything with them anyway? I really only like ones with photos of kids and the ones with the letters that update you. The rest I just glance at and toss aside.

Paula said...

I'm the same with cheeseburgers. That's the main reason i nearly always opt for the chicken option when i go to bk/mcds. far easier - i can get it without waiting and just pull off what i don't like (generally lettuce) without too much hassle.

i can't keep track of the number of times I have asked for a plain cheeseburger, had to wait ten mins for a "fresh" one and then found it STILL had ketchup in it. EW!

if i recall correctly, you don't like bananas either? we seem to have similar "taste" in food . . .

Herding Cats said...

You need to come to California and eat In n Out burger. I NEVER go to any other place because In n Out just wins - hands down. And they've never messed up an order.

On a side note, I got so excited reading about Hungry Jack's. When I lived in Australia, I couldn't believe it. I mean - even the logo is the same.

Áine Caitríona said...

My sis and I totally came up with this fragrance idea, like, fifteen years ago. We called it "Mannish Tendencies" and had an entire ad campaign planned.

We were strange children.

L.L. said...

I love and hate BK in the same breath. I think those chicken sandwiches are to die for/going to kill me. I always get them with pickles and the staff always looks at me funny when I do. Like you said, I wanna have it my way.

Also - I never send Christmas cards and this year I'm not getting presents for anyone. I'm a worse person than you.

Jest said...

Last night, on our way home from bowling Tea and I stopped at BK so he could get a burger with no pickles. When we got home and he discovered there were definitely pickles on there, he was not so pleased (I'd like to think he over-reacted a little bit, but perhaps you can understand his pain more than I did.)

*~Dani~* said...

I no longer frequent BK after they changed their fries to whatever disgusting version they have now. They are boycotted. I do love their Chicken Sandwhich although that is boycotted due to the fact that it will induce an immediate heart attack.

I thought about sending out Christmas cards and I have boxes of them sitting all around me. Does that not count for anything?

kk said...

Didn't you hear?

BK changed its slogan to "Have It Your Way Unless It's Late/We Could Give A Shit/Our Lazy Asses Are Too Tired/This Cheeseburger's Been Sitting Here For An Hour And It's Fine."

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