After two years, thousands of minutes, three drops on pavement, dozens of photos, hundreds of text messages that I begrudgingly replied to, and countless hours of conversation, I replaced my phone.
I've got Verizon, which gives you a new phone every two years, or approximately 1 year 364 days after your new one is out of style. Two years ago, I got the Motorola Krzr, spelled in such a way that you just KNEW it had to be trendy. I mean, if it was just a regular phone, it would be "Crazy," and that's only good to describe Britney Spears' song and mental state.
Since then, I've cracked the front in multiple places. The battery (which I already replaced once) needs charged with such regularity that I began to suspect the charger was duping me, like Zack Morris tricking Bayside girls into posing for the video yearbook-turned-dating service.
I ordered the new phone online, a Samsung Glyde, also spelled with a bit of panache and misplaced grammar. Let's go over some of the features:
- A slide-out keyboard: I wonder how many teenage girls have driven into a tree while trying to type with two thumbs. On the plus side, it must make it easier for child predators to keep up their responses to all that teen texting.
- A touch screen: Touch screen is all the rage now, not unlike an Obama presidency and making fun of Jessica Simpson's decision to eat again. I'm not sure what the advantage is over regular buttons, but it did look cool on Star Trek: The Next Generation. I have yet to find the "Fire Phasers" icon.
- Quick text: This feature keeps a stable of oft-used phrases at the ready to keep texting simple. Actual examples: "Whacha doing?" "Would you like to join me for a date tonight?" "What are you wearing?"*
- 2.0 Megapixel camera: To take clearer, better photos on the go. Also, to take clearer, better photos for my blog of random items I find in the store, which will make a post like this one so much better. Also, good for voyeurism: Boys no longer will have to rely on their memory to recall how Jenny dressed liked a total prostitute at school today.
- Verizon's legendary wireless network: Providing great reception around the country. Disclaimer: A large hoard of workers will follow your every move, and a creepy guy in glasses will keep shouting "Can you hear me now? Good!" at inopportune moments, including in the bathroom, during intimate moments and during a colonoscopy.