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Thursday, February 19, 2009

To discuss goodbye to an old friend, as another Glydes into view

You'll appreciate the clever wordplay in the title in a minute...

After two years, thousands of minutes, three drops on pavement, dozens of photos, hundreds of text messages that I begrudgingly replied to, and countless hours of conversation, I replaced my phone.
I've got Verizon, which gives you a new phone every two years, or approximately 1 year 364 days after your new one is out of style. Two years ago, I got the Motorola Krzr, spelled in such a way that you just KNEW it had to be trendy. I mean, if it was just a regular phone, it would be "Crazy," and that's only good to describe Britney Spears' song and mental state.
Since then, I've cracked the front in multiple places. The battery (which I already replaced once) needs charged with such regularity that I began to suspect the charger was duping me, like Zack Morris tricking Bayside girls into posing for the video yearbook-turned-dating service.
I ordered the new phone online, a Samsung Glyde, also spelled with a bit of panache and misplaced grammar. Let's go over some of the features:
  • A slide-out keyboard: I wonder how many teenage girls have driven into a tree while trying to type with two thumbs. On the plus side, it must make it easier for child predators to keep up their responses to all that teen texting.
  • A touch screen: Touch screen is all the rage now, not unlike an Obama presidency and making fun of Jessica Simpson's decision to eat again. I'm not sure what the advantage is over regular buttons, but it did look cool on Star Trek: The Next Generation. I have yet to find the "Fire Phasers" icon.
  • Quick text: This feature keeps a stable of oft-used phrases at the ready to keep texting simple. Actual examples: "Whacha doing?" "Would you like to join me for a date tonight?" "What are you wearing?"*
  • 2.0 Megapixel camera: To take clearer, better photos on the go. Also, to take clearer, better photos for my blog of random items I find in the store, which will make a post like this one so much better. Also, good for voyeurism: Boys no longer will have to rely on their memory to recall how Jenny dressed liked a total prostitute at school today.
  • Verizon's legendary wireless network: Providing great reception around the country. Disclaimer: A large hoard of workers will follow your every move, and a creepy guy in glasses will keep shouting "Can you hear me now? Good!" at inopportune moments, including in the bathroom, during intimate moments and during a colonoscopy.
* No, the last one isn't true, but why is Verizon trying to keep my pimp game down?

14 comments:

alexis said...

Are you cradling it like a baby? I usually do that until the first drop and then I'm like "F-it"

Racquel Valencia said...

My phone doesn't even have a camera in it. Still, it manages to terrify me. Yours looks like far, far too much phone for this girl.

Did I mention mine's pink? Yeah.

stealthnerd said...

When you say Jenny dressed like a total prostitute, were you referencing real life or Gossip Girl b/c for some reason, all I can picture is the GG crowd snapping pics and sending them off, signing everything XOXO....

Kellie said...

Looks pretty sweet. My sister has it and she really likes it. I have an iPhone and I have to say I think it is the best thing since sliced bread. Don't you just love getting new technology? It's so fun!

Heather said...

I haven't gotten into the touch screen loop yet. I do have a slide out keyboard though - and I hardly ever use it. Sure, it's set up like a keyboard, but the buttons are TINY. You can't type on it... it just confuses me.
Have fun with your new phone and take lots of pictures to share with us. Maybe not of Jenny's scandalously clad body... although I'm sure you could make a hilarious post from that.

amindinmotown said...

Glad to see another individual who didn't cave to AT&T simply because of the IPhone. VERIZON FTW!

~Sheila~ said...

Enjoy your new phone. I hate having to learn a new phone but I love afterward when I can reply to a text super fast AND still surf the net and reply to blogs through my phone.

LOVE IT!!

Of course, I don't have the same phone as you do....but still.

Lump said...

you're MOVING ON UP! but my iPhone can still beat up your Glyde. take that.

Kylie said...

I'm way jealous over here!! My phone is sooooo shitty! I hate it!

Jess said...

Oh, Andy. You are so witty and clever.

SouthernBelle said...

Isn't Glyde the name of some kind of intimate lubricant?

LBluca77 said...

Getting a new phone is always fun. I just got a new blackberry last month and now I don't know how I lived without it.

Wilwarin said...

I'm loving the casual reference made to star trek. when you find that button, let me know!

Jenners said...

I too have Verizon and those people following me around are completely annoying.

We get our new phones in November ... perhaps the Glyde will be our choice as well. But do they issue them to 40-year-olds? May be too trendy a phone for me ... what with not texting or anything.

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