To discuss Encyclopedia Brown and the Case of the Missing Phone

Perhaps the only good that has come out of me losing my phone from about 5:30 p.m. yesterday to having just discovered it this morning is the fact I got to use "Encyclopedia Brown" in the title.

Have you ever misplaced your phone? Of course you have. That's all phones are good for.*

* Unless you have a smart phone, but I'm not one of you people, with your fancy applications and your ability to be cool.

Once you realize you don't know where your phone is, you only have a few options:

1) Cry
2) Freak out and search absolutely everywhere
3) Realize you don't actually know anyone's number by heart and freak out again that you couldn't call anyone on another phone, anyway
4) Pine for the days when cellular phones were the size of Zack Morris' phone, so big that you couldn't replace it. And it also got incredible reception despite the fact he was inside a school and cell phone towers were scant.

I went for a mixture of 2, 3, and 4. I figured out when I got home from work I didn't know where my phone was. At that point, I just thought I had misplaced it, and checked the usual suspects.*

* Not Kevin Spacey's Usual Suspects. Keyser Sozer wouldn't steal a phone.

Still couldn't find it. Went into Threat Level Lavender, which is like Terror Level Orange but more soothing. Checked crazier places. Looked in (no lie) the freezer, the couch, the cabinets, inside shoes, INSIDE MY DOG'S BED, INSIDE THE MOTHERF****** OVEN WHERE THE HELL IS IT?

Still couldn't find it. Posted a Facebook message for people to call me in case I could hear the phone ring, and by ring, I mean buzz, because I left it on vibrate like an idiot.

Sat in my apartment in silence. Didn't hear anything. Became unusually suspicious that my chiweenie Bailey did something with it. Bailey looked at me with innocent eyes. Drove back to work in the off chance I'm crazy and didn't actually have it with me when I left, as I had thought. Nothing.

Searched in my apartment section's parking lot with a flashlight. Nothing. Began dreaming up a crazy scenario in which a neighbor child had snatched it out of my car after I got home from work. Began plotting evil scheme to murder all children by building a house made of candy to lure them in.

Set my regular, old alarm clock for the first time in years, with no phone to use. Woke up this morning hoping to hear the phone's scheduled morning alarm going off somewhere in my place. Silence. Drove to work, and just as I was about to go inside, heard a buzz somewhere in my car. Then silence.

Couldn't find anything, so I went inside briefly to find my boss had tried calling me twice to no avail. Explained the situation. Went back outside to my car. And then I finally found the phone, which had slid across the passenger seat to the opposite side, and then got stuck in a crevice underneath the seat.

I will henceforth use a Styrofoam cup with a string attached.

To discuss Love Coach texts, July edition. "Me: Alaska; Her, Palin."

Remember my Love Coach posts? It's examples of the types of text messages you might receive if you were to pay $9.99 for this professional love psychic service for teens. In my continued effort to save you money, here are more examples. Or, you can just text 21222 and help boost the economy by contributing to consumer spending... Wild ARS Chase, on the other hand, is always free.

(Click to enlarge)

To discuss more examples of texting 21222 for love advice

It's been way too long since my first Love Coach post, where I showed you my examples of the types of text messages you might receive if you were to pay $9.99 for this ridiculous service. In my continued effort to save you money, here are more examples. Or, you can just text 21222 and basically light your money on fire... Wild ARS Chase, on the other hand, is free.

Here are questions answered by the love coach, and the name compatibility test (click to enlarge if needed):

To discuss goodbye to an old friend, as another Glydes into view

You'll appreciate the clever wordplay in the title in a minute...

After two years, thousands of minutes, three drops on pavement, dozens of photos, hundreds of text messages that I begrudgingly replied to, and countless hours of conversation, I replaced my phone.
I've got Verizon, which gives you a new phone every two years, or approximately 1 year 364 days after your new one is out of style. Two years ago, I got the Motorola Krzr, spelled in such a way that you just KNEW it had to be trendy. I mean, if it was just a regular phone, it would be "Crazy," and that's only good to describe Britney Spears' song and mental state.
Since then, I've cracked the front in multiple places. The battery (which I already replaced once) needs charged with such regularity that I began to suspect the charger was duping me, like Zack Morris tricking Bayside girls into posing for the video yearbook-turned-dating service.
I ordered the new phone online, a Samsung Glyde, also spelled with a bit of panache and misplaced grammar. Let's go over some of the features:

• A slide-out keyboard: I wonder how many teenage girls have driven into a tree while trying to type with two thumbs. On the plus side, it must make it easier for child predators to keep up their responses to all that teen texting.
  
• A touch screen: Touch screen is all the rage now, not unlike an Obama presidency and making fun of Jessica Simpson's decision to eat again. I'm not sure what the advantage is over regular buttons, but it did look cool on Star Trek: The Next Generation. I have yet to find the "Fire Phasers" icon.
• Quick text: This feature keeps a stable of oft-used phrases at the ready to keep texting simple. Actual examples: "Whacha doing?" "Would you like to join me for a date tonight?" "What are you wearing?"*
• 2.0 Megapixel camera: To take clearer, better photos on the go. Also, to take clearer, better photos for my blog of random items I find in the store, which will make a post like this one so much better. Also, good for voyeurism: Boys no longer will have to rely on their memory to recall how Jenny dressed liked a total prostitute at school today.
  
• Verizon's legendary wireless network: Providing great reception around the country. Disclaimer: A large hoard of workers will follow your every move, and a creepy guy in glasses will keep shouting "Can you hear me now? Good!" at inopportune moments, including in the bathroom, during intimate moments and during a colonoscopy.
  

* No, the last one isn't true, but why is Verizon trying to keep my pimp game down?

To discuss being a Typewriter Trendsetter

(These were written on an old typewriter. Click to enlarge so you can read it without busting a cornea.)