Here's a visually-pleasing, Samsung Glyde-taken, Weekend Update. Mostly, it's an IKEA update. Capricorn had never been to an IKEA before Saturday, which in some circles is like saying you've never listened to The Beatles, seen Casablanca, or eaten a Wendy's Frosty.* How can you not have seen the wonders of an Apskar (wash basin), a Toftbo (bathroom mat), or a Hoinacloset (a Ho in a closet)?
I told her stories of model rooms, unpronouncable dinnerware, and items you never knew you wanted until they were too freaking cheap to pass up. She salivated like a Backstreet Boy watching TRL re-runs.
So here's an overview of what we saw at a Baltimore IKEA, that, considering the amount of shoppers, would be the clearest indication yet that this whole recession business is hog wash.**
My goal in life, other than taking a bath in chocolate, is to have a room modeled item for item after an IKEA room. I would label things with their Swedish name to give it authenticity, while drinking wine coolers and reading art magazines. Or at least that's how I envision life in an IKEA room. This was the first "IKEA room" Capricorn had ever seen, and she couldn't believe they set it up like that right in the store. What I can't believe is that Barney from "How I Met Your Mother" hasn't tried to pick up women yet in a model bedroom. It's genius.
If I was on MTV Cribs, I'd say "This is where the magic happens." I'd also have a painting of myself in the hallway, and three ladies drinking cosmos poolside.
This was hanging in the closet of a model bathroom. It's some sort of bunny outfit, for the kiddies or for those adults looking to lure kiddies into the bedroom section. To say I got strange looks when I tried it on is to say that "Slumdog Millionaire" had mild success at the Oscars***.
I'm not sure if the IKEA mirror makes my butt look big. Is it vain to check yourself out in the mirror section? I say no.
Capricorn: "Yeah, that's not big enough to hold my clothes." Me: "Good Lord. You need more than $670 worth of storage?"
I got excited to look at the array of knives, for some reason. "Look at all these knives!" I exclaimed, as an older woman nearby looked alarmed, then, relaxed as she said, "Oh, that's a good sharp one. I have it at home." Subliminally, I think she just copped to murder.
"Looks a lot like a carbon structure," Capricorn said. Who wants to sleep on the C average they got in 10th grade chemistry?
Then, we went to Target. Sales must be slow, or maybe this is a new strategy in which customers just imagine what items they want for sale.
* One of these things is not like the other.
** But if Obama wants to hand me free money, I won't protest. Future generations of taxpayers will, but I won't. I don't want to be rude.
*** My running Oscar commentary is coming up later today, for those who haven't already shunned me for Twittering throughout the show.
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