- I'm all for in-depth coverage, but E! started their stuff around lunchtime. You'd think with that kind of attention, they were previewing a plan for world peace or a presidential inauguration, but no, it was the highs and lows of Miley Cyrus' fashion decisions.
- Red carpet time, and Sarah Jessica Parker has to introduce husband. "This is Matthew Broderick," she says to the reporter. How sad that Ferris is second fiddle and needs to get pity questions asked so he feels included.
- Miley says she is obsessed with Angelina Jolie and wants to be adopted by her. Miley, I know that Vanity Fair photo spread made you look homeless and willowy, but Angelina only adopts children in need from other countries.
- Capricorn hears that Hugh Jackman is the host. "I miss ol' Billy Crystal," she says. And he misses employment.
- Hugh opens the show with a musical montage that at one point, I think, dabbles in a reproduction of a Missy Elliott video. "What the F is he doing?" Capricorn asks. Hugh says "It's ok to be gay," as a comment on "Milk," or perhaps as self-encouragement.
- I want the Oscars to be hosted by Muppets next year. Miss Piggy could hand out trophies, Animal and the band could play music, Gonzo could be Ryan Seacrest, and Kermit could do the opening number. Why can't this happen?
- Considering all of 15 people saw "Slumdog" when it was first released, people sure are creaming their pants over it now. I'm guessing it's not a bad movie, but it's not "Gone with the Wind."
- Jennifer Aniston walks on stage to present with Jack Black. "I want to see Brad and Angie right now," Capricorn says. Me: "Why?" Capricorn: "To see their faces." My guess is, Angelina is going to be all over Jack Black today because of this.... Oscar producers, why can't Jen introduce Best Actress? Give us what we want.
- A Japanese dude wins a random Oscar and gives an awkward speech full of "Sank you, sank you" and finishes with "Domo arigato Mr. Roboto." He just pushed back Japanese progress in American culture at least 40 years.
- Ben Stiller presents and is dressed as Joaquin Phoenix during his bizarre Letterman interview. The fake beard isn't the strange part. It's that Stiller didn't act over the top for the first time in his acting career.
- Of course, Beyonce has to perform, despite the fact she isn't nominated for anything. It does lead to the best part of the night, as all the Twitterers frothed in rage at her appearance.
- Capricorn is (unnecessarily?) excited about Christopher Walken making an appearance to present for Best Supporting Actor... I think the show is rigged- another presenter didn't even have the envelope open before he said, "Heath Ledger."
- The obligatory "People who died" montage, full of, "Oh, that guy is dead?" remarks. I'm waiting with baited breath for Heath's visage and the ensuing standing ovation. But... they don't include him? People had ants in their pants to honor Heath, and you don't give them every opportunity? Update- Yes, I know he died last January and was honored last year, but what's one more time?
- Kate Winslet wins Best Actress. Capricorn and I want Kate to forget Angelina's name again... instead, she talks trash on Meryl Streep. "You'll just have to suck it up," she tells Streep, for not winning this time. Streep secretly plans to end Kate's life.
- I hope Hugh's not getting paid for this gig. He's been on, like, three times.
- Steven Spielberg, the Best Picture presenter, starts blathering about how movies change the world and are the celluloid fabric of us all. I know movies are fun, but let's keep this in perspective: Their "craft" is available for $3.99 a month on Netflix.
- "Slumdog" wins Best Picture. Regis Philbin jumps with glee at his home, hoping people are awaiting a "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" return to primetime. Regis, we all know Ryan Seacrest would host it this time around... even though I'd prefer Kermit.
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