Sunday, February 15, 2009

To discuss a post-Valentine's advice column.

I'll say this with all due respect to the singles out there: I had a great Valentine's Day. Capricorn and I had a great time, and I hope you and yours, or you and a bottle of vodka, did too.
I'd like to help my three male readers have a great Valentine's Day next year, and there's nothing like solid advice and preparation. So, let me give you the Capricorn-approved list of good ideas I had for this day, and what likely won't work for you. I hope it helps. Or you could just buy diamonds.

  • Drove down to the bank where Capricorn works. Entered the drive-thru and put her Valentine's Day card into the canister to send it over to her.
  • Driving down to the bank where your girlfriend works, entering the drive-thru and placing a note in the canister telling employees you have a bomb and they have 30 seconds to send you $100,000 in unmarked bills.
  • Brought a dozen red roses, gave them to Capricorn after she was done with work.
  • Bringing a dozen red panties, giving 11 to your girl and wearing the 12th under your jeans.
  • Drove to my house, had a dozen white tulips and two frames with several photos of us, all waiting on the table.
  • Having photos of ex-girlfriends framed on a table with one slot open, then telling your girl "Look, there's a spot just for you!"
  • Read the poetry of e.e. cummings to Capricorn, then an Andy original I wrote just for her. The original was also handwritten, using my third-grade cursive skills, on the matte of a photo frame I gave to her.
  • Read Cosmo article to your girl on "10 Ways To Please Your Man," then suggest she could learn a thing or two. Handwrite her phone number on a bathroom stall.
  • Cooked dinner and ate it by candlelight while listening to old standards like "Our Love Is Here to Stay."
  • Microwave dinner for your girl, but tell her you only have enough for one and she should go grab some McDonalds. Eat dinner by candlelight because you didn't pay your electric bill. Listen to old standards like "Thong Song" and "Big Pimpin'."
  • Took Capricorn to see the chick flick, "He's Just Not That Into You." Remarked how I'm glad she and I don't have the same issues of the characters in the movie.
  • Go see "He's Just Not That Into You" and make subtle comments to your girl how you can relate to what the guys in the movie are saying.
  • Capped off the evening with ice cream and chocolate-covered cream puffs for dessert and filling out a couples questionnaire-book.
  • Cap off the evening by telling your girl perhaps she should skip dessert. Fill out an online dating profile.
Please comment with any good ideas/horror stories that can help out the guys out there. We all need help.


Andy said...

Hahahahahah!! Andy, you're quite a romantic!! Who would've thought??

So, did you REALLY do that thing at the bank?? How did you know it was her canister and not someone else's??

Coachdad said...

Very good post... The bank one had my dying!

Diane said...


OK, so I've accepted the fact that Capricorn has won. I'm OK with it. Really. SO, do you have a (much) older brother? A divorced dad, perhaps? Hmmm?

*~Dani~* said...

Wow. That is quite a day full of romance. Are you sure you are not starring in a reality show?

Good job. Glad you both enjoyed it :)

LBluca77 said...

HAHA! That should be on every signle dating website. Or maybe just email that list to every man in the whole world.

Guys wearing girls underwear is um ya not a good idea. My eyes don't want to see that.

Thomas said...

Is the fact that I generally would have picked the bad points really that terrible?

Maybe I just don't have a romantic bone in my body.

Ok I joke, I totally cooked Lee dinner and whatnot

Thomas said...

Oh and don't be coy, I know you picked up most of those pointers from watching Bromance...

Amy xxoo said...

Aww..... why cant find me an Australian version of you Andy ? That whole drive thru bank bit was soooooooooo adorable, you would have one me over with just that bit, nevermind the roses and the tulips and the icecream...

Astharis said...

Sorry... But I find roses vom-worthy. I hate the way they smell and they cost like 100 times more than they usually would on this sole week (Not exaggerating).

My tip for guys would be to try to find out what her favourite flowers are a month before Valentines (So she doesn't twig) and then get those. If they're roses anyway, then this was a pointless exercise.

But that's just me! Perhaps I just like my men to work for my love. :p

Everything else you did was completely adorable though (You did everything on the good list, right?)

smidge said...

or if you are me, forget to buy anything and then get ill and have to go to bed alone. pathetic...

Some girls are worse than men!

Smeave said...

Nice! This made my morning. Very lollable. You definitely beat me this year. Though I did travel over an hour to see Susan on a Saturday (a day I normally don't see her), and I bought her some earrings with tiny diamonds.

Heather said...

Sounds like you were quite the Romeo. She's very lucky to have such a sweetheart looking after her!!

Kylie said...

You're so sweet! My hubs forgot to even get me a card! I guess that's OK since we're married! That should tell me that he loves me, right?!

Andy said...

Female Andy- Yes, I did the thing at the bank. It's a small bank, so I knew she'd get it, and she saw me pull up (although at first she didn't know it was me).
Coach- Hey thanks!
Diane- I have a younger brother, but he's taller. Does that count?
Dani- I would like to star on a reality show. Please find one for me.
LBluca- What if it's boy shorts? Would that work?
Thomas- You figured out my Bromance angle. Dang it! jk
Amy- Oh, I'm sure there's a mate down there for you. You're awesome, after all.
Astharis- You are right- it is key to know the right kind of flower. I never give her red roses, so it was special. Yes, I did everything on the good list. Now I have to top it next year.
Smidge- Some girls ARE worse. But not you.
Smeave- You better bust out the romance when you get married, sir. See you in July.
Heather- I'm the lucky one, no doubt. She lets me talk about her on a blog.
Kylie- Marriage does indicate love, in most cases, the Clintons notwithstanding.

SouthernBelle said...

Yeah I think you just shot yourself in the foot for every subsequent V-Day, as you'll have to at least hit the bar you've set so high for yourself!

; )

Mr Belle is not into V-Day, he's more of a random "I saw this and thought of you" present-giver. The first V-Day after we were married, I spent the morning telling everyone we didn't "do" V-Day, only to have a big box turn up with a dozen hot pink long-stemmed roses! To make it better/worse, I was the only girl in my office to have flowers delivered.

Erin said...

Andy, I am super impressed with your Valentine's day celebration.

Ted worked on Valentine's Day, so we did a big fat nothing. We do have plans to go and celebrate at some point, but we're waiting to see whether I can drink or not.

Racquel Valencia said...

Did you actually do this stuff? Damn.

I just gave him a BJ, went to a metal show with our friends, and then came back to my place where I passed out before we had a chance to, you know, be intimate. The next morning when he woke up I was chain-smoking and singing old Sonny and Cher songs to my cats.

Honestly, I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Liz said...

Well, my Valentine's Day (or Single Awareness Day {S.A.D.}) was just as good... I woke up at an ungodly hour, went to the hospital to work, treated myself to a high protein diet breakfast, & claimed every other nurses' flowers as mine while smelling the aroma of human feces... Really does it get any better than that???? I refuse to be jealous of Capricorn.... Ok, maybe a little okay... Oh crap who am I kidding I want to be HER!!!

Anonymous said...

You are quite romantic. Very nicely done.

Kellie said...

Let me see that THOOOONNNNGGG!!! :) That thong, thong, thong, thong, thong!

Jess said...

I went and saw He's Just Not That Into You this weekend too. It was not good. Not good.

Your romantic actions on Valentine's Day, however...very good. Very, very good.

Lump said...

I hope you know that you have to make each valentine's day better every year. don't let me down man.

but really, you're so romantic. PUKE. ;)

J Cosmo Newbery said...

Are you sure that you have the 'good' and 'bad' labels around the right way?

Anonymous said...

Look, "Big Pimpin'" is a classic. All those good ideas? Sappy. It's stuff like that that totally screws over the rest of us dudes. All I'm sayin' is my next girlfriend -- should I ever land me another woman (saying things like that probably doesn't help) -- will not be allowed to read your blog. Heck, I may not let her read mine for fear she'll find yours, and more specifically, this post.

Here's a related/unrelated question: so when's Capricorn gonna guest post here and let us know how things really are?

Andy said...

Belle- Hot pink roses? That's pimp.
Erin- Waiting on drinking. Fantastic.
Racquel- And they say romance is dead.
Liz- Step away from the Capricorn.
Motown- Thanks!
Kellie- My thong or yours? Showing mine equals less blog hits, showing yours equals more. Just being reasonable.
Jess- Yeah the movie wasn't the best, but it was better than I expected. Worth a rental, I think.
Lump- You need laid.
Cosmo- Possible. Next year!
Joshlos- Don't act like you're not the pimp of the month with the ladies.... and well, who knows. She's adverse to doing it, but maybe one day I'll get her to. She's much funnier than I am, and that's being honest.

Teej said...

Very romantic. I bet that girl's apt smells like a flower shop now.

Jossie Posie said...

Look at you oh so romantical. I got rip roaring drunk with friends in NY and hung out with gay boys all night. Best Valentine's Day ever!!

~Sheila~ said...

Sounds like you had an excellent V-day with Capricorn. She's a lucky girl.
Ours was pretty good too.

TishTash said...

I hope you hid jewelry in the cream puffs. Because that's also romantic, not just a health hazard.

Jenners said...

Well, aren't you the romantic ... assuming you did all the good and none of the bad. But if you got away with 1,000,000 and didn't get caught and spent the loot on her, then I think you could move the first one up into the good column.

And here is some advice: Never buy clothing for your lady friend that is way too big for her. It is just another way of telling her that she looks fat ... and she won't like that. Always know the EXACT size or buy smaller to make her feel better.

And I am having a little game over at my blog that I would LOVE to see you play as I am pretty sure you would ROCK it ... the link is here if you are interested. I'd love to see what you can come up with!


mindy said...

An ex of mine once suggested I should skip dessert.

It's no coincidence that he's now an EX. If you make me choose between you & dessert, it's no contest!

Related Posts Widget for Blogs by LinkWithin