Wednesday, February 4, 2009

To discuss a TV Play-by-Play: Bromance As I Imagine It

Tivo failed me in epic fashion.
Not since a flock of geese took down a jetliner has technology let mankind down to this extent. MTV's "Bromance" season finale was Monday... and my Tivo inexplicably only recorded the last 14 minutes. If this was the Super Bowl, that would be fine, because it didn't get interesting until then. But a bromance is being decided here, not just some football game.
Not to worry, though. I've decided to use my power of imagination to recreate what I'm guessing happened during those missing minutes, similar to the missing Watergate recording.*

My first-ever TV Made-Up-Play-By-Play:
When we last left Bromance, Chris, Femi and Luke were vying for Brody Jenner's final rose. This episode, according to commercials, is supposed to include their last efforts to win Brody's heart, and possibly his body.

:03 The guys wake up in the house all snuggled in one bed after an amazing night of pillow fights, prank phone calls and toenail polishing. Chris compliments Femi's choice of periwinkle.
:07 Brody wants to see if he can trust the guys, so he has them do a lie detector test with his mom. Sample questions: "Do you find yourself looking at photos of George Clooney for extended periods of time?" "If I hung out with my other guy friends, would you get jealous" "Are you into butt play?"
:09 Femi compares himself to a python, as he is long, thick and ready to swallow anything in his path. Chris giggles.
:13 Chris gets booted off the show after Brody finds out Chris has subscription to Maxim and Playboy. Chris, emotionally distraught, pleads with Brody that he only looks at the magazines for the articles. "I read Details! I read GQ!" Chris screams to no avail.
:18 Brody decides he needs a taste of each guy...'s hometown, so the trio fly to Femi's hometown in Orlando. Femi is so excited about Brody coming over that he gets another tattoo. Brody is not impressed. The camera reveals the tattoo, shown on the right.
:24 The boys have a night on the town. Luke gets jealous that Brody shares an ice cream cone with Femi.
:32 It's Luke's turn, as the trio head to Boston. Gay rights advocates, understandably confused by the premise of "Bromance," hold a parade for the guys.
:34 Luke gives Femi the wrong directions to a nightclub so he can have alone time with Brody, as they enjoy a night of dinner and dancing. Luke makes a pasta dinner, but chickens out at the last second to run with his "Lady and the Tramp" idea. Too soon, too soon.
:42 A cargo van conveniently full of college cheerleaders, birth control pills and whipped cream is stuck on the side of the road. Brody, Femi and Luke slow down their car... and dial 911, before continuing to a community theater production of "Hairspray." "Whew. Those girls could have been stranded with nothing to do!" Femi says.
And on to the actual footage:
Luke tells Femi he paid too much attention to his girlfriend when the group was at Femi's hometown. Femi responds, "She doesn't mean that much to me, so I don't see that." And the award for biggest jerk of a boyfriend goes to...
:47 Brody calls out Femi for going back and forth on his girlfriend. Femi: "To be honest with you, I do I love her homie." Unfortunately Femi, she's seen this show, so the feeling isn't mutual.
:54 In a great reality show ending, Luke and Femi are sent to different parts of a building- one for the loser, one for the winner. The loser has to watch the winner celebrate, over closed-circuit TV. Let's hope the loser pulls a Faith Hill.

:56 And the winner is... Luke! Femi looks like someone kicked his gay puppy.
:58 MTV plays Kanye's "Stronger" to finish the show, but I think "It's Raining Men" would be more appropriate.
:59 I would like this to be considered my formal entry request for Bromance 2: Boys Night Out.**

* Is it over-the-top to compare illegal presidential activity with Bromance? Not sure.
** Just kidding Capricorn. I like chicks.


Thomas said...

Your imaginings sounded spot on. I don't get the show here but I'm pretty sure that's what's REALLY happening.

Coconut said...

I really do not understand that show at all, I seem to turn the channel every time it's on.

Heather said...

Hilarious as always, Andy. The made up part was the best. I think you should quit your day job and become a TV producer/comedy writer.

Racquel Valencia said...

I'm with coconut. Same with that show where Paris Hilton tries to find a new friend. The only reason I'd ever be friends with P-Hil is because she might buy me stuff.

There. I said it.

SouthernBelle said...

Aww, the made up show was so much better than the real show.

Femi has less likelihood of coming home to an intact relationship than Hosea, the dude from Top Chef that pashed a girl chef

Anonymous said...

I didn't watch the show, but that pretty much sounds about right. Hilarious play-by-play as usual. Sorry your TiVo sucks.

FunnyGal KAT said...

NOOOOOO, damn you TiVo! Although I have to say, you did a great job dreaming up the parts you missed. You should write for "Bromance"! Oh, well, if reality television shows actually had writers, that is, because we all know they don't and everything on there is just that spontaneous and unscripted, right?

You are damn funny, my friend, damn funny.

Kellie said...

Wow, Femi really sounds like a keeper. Can you hear the sarcasm in my typing? :)

sj said...

i haven't watched it, but your play by plays make me wish that i did.

"not since a flock of geese took down a jetliner" -- awesome. pure awesome.

~Sheila~ said...

I'm with everyone. I believe that is what really happened and thanks because if you hadn't been able to re-create the missed portion of the show...I wouldn't have been able to visualize it just so.

silly boy.

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