Wednesday, January 28, 2009

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Bromance's Next Top Model

It's nearly the season finale of Brody Jenner's search for a new best friend, "Bromance," which is good, because a new season of MTV's Making the Band is coming up soon. I can't wait to see what happens with Danity Kane. I'm through trying to hide my excitement. Unless I'm in public. With my girlfriend. Then I'm supposed to talk about trucks and weightlifting.
Last week's Bromance play-by-play is here. This one is as homoerotic as ever.

:03 The boys, wearing matching dress shirts (!), arrive at a spa (!), where Brody tells them he's been working on a line of jeans and the boys are going to model them (!!!) on the red carpet. The boys don't know it's a hoax and Brody's trying to test their limits. Brody, however, doesn't know the show is a hoax and the producers are trying to test his sexuality.
:05 The jeans are low-rise with rhinestones all over, what I imagine a Rhinestone Cowboy would wear if he was trying to pick up a dude. Even better, Brody calls the fake jean line "BJ," as in Brody Jenner, although obviously, he points it, it could mean something else (by something else, that means oral sex. Just didn't want to assume you knew). Brody, if you're trying to give this show any semblance of heterosexuality, don't have guys wearing low-cut BJs.
:11 The boys try on the extremely tight jeans, and are told to lose the underwear, causing what appears to be a mass exodus of denim-covered flesh turtles to strain against my TV. Fortunately, this episode is not in 3D, or I think I might have accidentally made it to second base.
:15 Femi is the only guy to tell Brody the jeans suck, which actually is a good thing because Brody likes the honesty. So why then in middle school when you told someone their clothes suck, you get sent to the principal's office?
:20 Let me take this moment to ask, Whatever became of Paris Hilton's new BFF? I haven't seen her in magazines, on TV, or in any night vision movies since she won... This doesn't bode well for Brody's winner.
:23 The guys strut it on the red carpet, although they don't know it's full of fake paparazzi. Femi gets asked if Brody's jeans are cut too low. Femi: "Crack isn't whack, son." Yes, Femi, yes it is, unless you're the Coppertone girl. Other comments by the guys: "Brody has a great body... I had to rock the banana hammock today.... I'm always in my Brodys... BJs all the way."
:29 Femi wins the challenge because he was honest... and possibly because he said "BJs all the way. He wins a shopping spree. At this point, the show isn't even trying to make this look like a straight relationship. I'm hoping next week's episode will be set in Massachusetts.
:33 Chris says he's tired of "The Bromantic Duo," Luke and Alex, always hanging out. Chris, just because they've found true Bromance doesn't mean there's not a lucky guy out there for you. Maybe you'll get a spin off like New York did on VH1.
:34 For the next challenge, Brody has a woman (a woman!), who just happens to be Playmate of the Year, interview each of the guys to see who can be comfortable in front of a beautiful woman. This shouldn't be a problem. Women love gay guys.
:38 Jayde, the Playmate, evidently was told by producers, "Um, here's the thing. We haven't really had any girls on this show, and we only have one straight, male viewer, and we're not even quite sure he's straight. So can you just come on with an extremely low cut shirt, lick your lips a few times like you might put out, and flirt with some potentially gay dudes? You can? Awesome."
:45 Jayde picks Chris, the nerdy guy with the confidence problem, as the guy she most enjoyed. As his reward, he gets to spend time in the hot tub with Jayde and another Playmate. In true Bromance style, Chris doesn't take advantage of this to have a Real World-style threesome. He instead talks about his feelings.
:53 It's elimination time. The two with absolutely nothing in common with Brody, Chris and Femi, are safe. Brody splits up Luke and Alex by sending Alex home, as a montage of all the great Aluke (get it?) moments are played. You'd think they were in an actual relationship, as many of the moments involve them nearly naked and hugging each other.
:56 Next week on Bromance... oh I'm a genius! For the season finale, Brody is visiting the hometowns of each of the finalists, which will include a visit to Massachusetts. This should set up everything perfectly for a marriage in City Hall, when Brody can give the winner the rose and they can pledge their bro-love.


Ben said...

I hate that I haven't been watching this show.

FunnyGal KAT said...

Hahahahahahahahaha! [gasps for breath] Hahahahahahahahaha! Those jeans are awesome! Did they say where I might be able to buy a pair for my favorite blogger? Andy, would you wear them if I bought them for you? It would take care of your Bromance update and Ugly Picture Tuesday (I can't think of what you're really calling it...) in just one photo.

Liz said...

Please don't let any overweight plumbers get a hold on any of these jeans... They are terrible looking on the nice asses... imagine if the not so nice ones got to these... OMG!!!

Jest said...

I just read the other day that Paris Hilton ditched her BFF at a club this past weekend.
Sooo..that's what happened to her.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Bromance is best watched through your eyes. Other than that I have no use for Brody or any of the Jenners.

bex said...

What, no tramp stamp to go along with the jeans?

surviving myself said...

I don't know why anyone ever talks about their feelings. It's just OH GOD I'M SO SAD ALL THE TIME!

Shit. Sorry about that.

Boobs, sex, football and fire.

That's better. Didn't want to end on a womanly-note.

Kellie said...

Seriously this is like a gay version of the Bachelor. I don't know why I haven't been watching this. Damn it!

So@24 said...

What the hell did I just read?

Miss Fabulous said...

Great episode this week. I'm still hoping Luke wins. Oh and BTW, I have seen photos of Paris and her new BFF on blogs like perez and superficial! So therefore I'm convinced that they are 100% truly BFFs. :)

Paula said...

I really hope they show this in the UK cos I want to point at it and laugh!

kate said...

I've always wondered what happened to whomever won Paris' BFF spot. I was thinking about that the other day, cause I thought I read that Paris will be having another one of those shows. Maybe, since it wasn't a Bromance.. they broke up? lol.

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