To discuss a TV Play by Play: The Bachelor, Part I

I haven't watched "The Bachelor" since that European guy was on it. It was boring drivel. But, then again, I didn't have a blog to make fun of it, which makes the show much better. The latest Bachelor, Jason, seems to be more likeable. Let's see what happens on a TV Play by Play of The Bachelor season finale.

:01 Jason's got two options: Sexy, playful Melissa, or sporty, fun Molly. Both beautiful, both successful, both loving. Can't wait to see how he screws this up...
:03 What is wrong with Jason's voice? It sounds like he's still going through puberty.
:05 Melissa is clearly hotter than Molly, if only because her eyes don't remind me of the last seconds of a deer's life before the car hits... but why is Melissa treating Jason's son like he's retarded?
:12 Jason introduces Melissa to his family. If Capricorn had to go through the grilling Melissa is going through, she would have bolted a long time ago. I'm surprised his brothers don't ask if she's good in the sack.
:16 Melissa and Jason say it's too bad Melissa's parents haven't agreed to meet Jason, since they don't like the concept of "The Bachelor." I don't see what their issue is. It's not like their daughter's emotions are being displayed on a national stage for everyone to criticize while her hopes and dreams are put in the hands of a stranger she met a few weeks ago, while she has been cajoled into love for the sake of televised drama, on a show that never successfully ends in a happily married couple. Because that would be a shame.
:21 Let's recap so far: Jason thinks Melissa is great with kids, he's falling in love with her, and thinks "there's not a better feeling in the world" than when she's around. So, can we end the show here and skip the last hour-plus? Please?
:27 Only on reality television can you openly be dating two chicks and get away with it. If this was most of us, we'd be called "cheaters" and "players." Put us on ABC, and we're called "The Bachelor."
:29 Just being honest: Jason's kid, Ty, has Vulcan ears.
:31 OK, Molly is growing on me. I take back the deer-in-headlights comment. What I meant was that she's fallen in love... with eyeliner.
:37 How is this not weird for his parents? Now they're interviewing Molly. And this is all a year after they interviewed DeAnna (last year's Bachelorette), who turned down Jason at the end. And that's all a year after he got divorced... Wait a second. Why is he trying to get married so soon after all that, again?
:41 Proposal for next Bachelor installment: Heart rate monitors when the girls talk to the parents.
:47 Drama ahead, with DeAnna coming back, and a final reunion that, as host Chris Harrison says, is so "emotional and dramatic," ABC decided to keep it as intimate as possible. Evidently, intimate means lighting some candles on a sound stage, not "Hey, maybe we shouldn't televise this highly embarrassing moment for all to see."
:55 Date #2, and Melissa has busted out the bikini... and she has a tramp stamp! Somehow, although she jumped into freezing cold water and is wearing a white bikini, there is no nipple showing. So, when I don't want to see nipples, I see elderly ladies at the Walmarts popping out like its National Geographic. When I do, ABC gives the girl invisi-nips. Well played, ABC.

Part II, the second hour of the season finale, is up now, helping you avoid a novel-length blog post about The Bachelor.