To discuss a look back at one year of Wild ARS Chase, for better or worse or worser

"All the kids are doing it these days.... blogging, that is (oh, and the chronic)."

That's how Wild ARS Chase started one year ago this past Saturday. So much has changed since then, both in my life and on the blog, it's almost like Elizabeth Berkley on Saved by the Bell and on Showgirls - sure, it's the same person, but in name only.

Many of you have already given me congratulations, which is much appreciated. What's most interesting about Aug. 1 2008 versus Aug. 1 2009 might be the change in readership- a lot of newbies, some diehards and a porn spammer or two.

To refresh the memory of my longtime readers (I can say that now-- it's been a year) and those who jumped on board bandwagon style, I thought we'd take a stroll through memory lane. More of a marathon (sorry about the length- it's a year, after all), but memory lane nonetheless. And if you've never commented before, um, can you say hi this time, so I can prove you exist?

Coincidentally, this is post #300.

August

• Had my first TV Play by Play, reviewing The CW's "Girlicious" Excerpt :16 Jenna’s having cramps, she announces during her dancing practice. She doesn’t want anyone to think she’s a quitter, so she toughs it out. By curling up on her bed and quitting.
• I divulge my extraordinary Seven Steps to Holding Hands method, am considered for Nobel Peace Prize.
• Do my first co-blog with Tracie, as we cover the summer Olympics and I profess my love for Alicia Sacramone.
• And I wrap up with my first month in review (I was full of ideas back then. Those were the good days), where I say my artist of the month, Adele, is a mix of Alicia Keys, Jill Scott and Joss Stone, "Like a biracial lesbian test tube baby."
  

September

• My first "America's Next Top Model" play by play, which has become a bit of a signature for W.A.C.
• I go on the worst date of my life. Check that. I tried to go on the worst date of my life.
• I introduce you to my chiweenie (that's my dog, not my crotch)
• And I meet Capricorn, the soon to be love of my life who goes from casual mention to blog regular. Excerpt: "We settled on Madame Capricorn, which makes her sound like a fortune teller or a dominatrix, either of which sounds mysterious and wonderful."
• Oh, and I wrote a blog post on a typewriter.
  

October

• I posed 10 questions about 90s TV shows, one of many references to 90s pop culture that just kind of evolved as an underlying them of W.A.C.
• I went to St. Louis (and stayed at a hotel across from an Obama rally). I also saw Jesus.
• Capricorn and I nearly peed ourselves after watching this.
  
• And we celebrated Fall Fest 2008.

November

• Capricorn met my parents, which reminded me of an ex's crazy father.
• In perhaps my best idea, I started my "What I Learned from Cosmo" feature. If Cosmo would send me the August edition, I'd write another one.
• I referred to one of my favorite bloggers by the wrong name.
• And I had one of my most successful-- visitor-wise-- blog post series, when I hooked up with Ben (sadly, only in writing) for a No Ordinary Rollercoaster-Wild ARS Chase event here, here and here. I've heard it was second only to the Obama election in 2008 hype.
• I give you 100 things to know about me. One thing not included: I have a basketball-shaped pillow I sleep with every night like a teddy bear. True story.
• That was part of my first inaugural Get to Know Me Week.

December

• Wow, November was action-packed, wasn't it? December is like sloppy blogging seconds.
• Capricorn and I said three special words to each other, right before I went on a trip to Atlanta.
• I ripped on that Christmas Shoes song.
• Joshlos and I broke down the best sports movies from our lifetime. Summer Catch, somehow, does not make the list.
• And Kate and I give our resolutions. Suprisingly, I've actually kept up with all of them, except for the part about convincing Natalie Portman and Capricorn to make out.
  

January

• I did my best to offend several of my fellow church-goers by debating who has it worse- girls with their ladybits or guys with their manparts.
• I gave out the inaugural Wild ARS Awards.
• I start doing play by plays of ultra homoerotic "Bromance" episodes.
• And I publish some incriminating childhood photos.

February

• Finger Talks does a hilarious guest post in honor of my birthday.
• I do commentary on the Grammys. Excerpt: "Chris Brown gets announced for his nominated song, "No Air." I now realize that song was Jordin Sparks' plea for help."
• And I roll out a new feature, Love Coach texts, and a second installment of Music I Loved Fridays.

March

• In one week, I find out my work is forcing us to take five unpaid days off, my brother is admitted to the hospital and I find out I have to pay double rent.
• I balance out my magazine reviews my recapping Maxim. Thus begins the first of several Google searches landing on my blog in search of scantily clad women.
• Bailey costs me $300, and I gripe about moving.

April

• Another W.A.C. special: As Seen on TV Week, with PediPaws, Shamwow, Hercules Hooks, and other terrible products.
• Oh, and let's not forget the Snuggie review, which might have been the crowd favorite.
• As if that wasn't enough embarrassment, I responded to a challenge by Haute Pocket by replicating my Fake Andy Shaw of the Month photo.

May

• I explain to Jenners' readers all about the male mind.
• Capricorn rode a tractor, with video evidence.
• I break my computer and visit an amusement park, all in one weekend.

June

• I gave you my 10 Top Embarrassing Songs on my iTunes playlist.
• Then I took the rest of the month off...

July

• ... because I was in a musical, "The Sound of Music."
• Then I gave you all some social media training.
• Recapped the glorious "16 and Pregnant" finale
• And wrote a guest post for Ms. Pocket in honor of her 25th birthday.

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So, that's it. I almost forgot about some of that stuff. You'd think this was almost a legitimate blog, looking backing at all of this. Here's hoping I can keep it up for Year 2... thanks for supporting me-- I consider you the sponsors to my Blogging Anonymous. To thank you, I've got a special surprise planned I hope to have available later this month. No, it's not a puppy.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: The Bachelor, Part I

I haven't watched "The Bachelor" since that European guy was on it. It was boring drivel. But, then again, I didn't have a blog to make fun of it, which makes the show much better. The latest Bachelor, Jason, seems to be more likeable. Let's see what happens on a TV Play by Play of The Bachelor season finale.

:01 Jason's got two options: Sexy, playful Melissa, or sporty, fun Molly. Both beautiful, both successful, both loving. Can't wait to see how he screws this up...
:03 What is wrong with Jason's voice? It sounds like he's still going through puberty.
:05 Melissa is clearly hotter than Molly, if only because her eyes don't remind me of the last seconds of a deer's life before the car hits... but why is Melissa treating Jason's son like he's retarded?
:12 Jason introduces Melissa to his family. If Capricorn had to go through the grilling Melissa is going through, she would have bolted a long time ago. I'm surprised his brothers don't ask if she's good in the sack.
:16 Melissa and Jason say it's too bad Melissa's parents haven't agreed to meet Jason, since they don't like the concept of "The Bachelor." I don't see what their issue is. It's not like their daughter's emotions are being displayed on a national stage for everyone to criticize while her hopes and dreams are put in the hands of a stranger she met a few weeks ago, while she has been cajoled into love for the sake of televised drama, on a show that never successfully ends in a happily married couple. Because that would be a shame.
:21 Let's recap so far: Jason thinks Melissa is great with kids, he's falling in love with her, and thinks "there's not a better feeling in the world" than when she's around. So, can we end the show here and skip the last hour-plus? Please?
:27 Only on reality television can you openly be dating two chicks and get away with it. If this was most of us, we'd be called "cheaters" and "players." Put us on ABC, and we're called "The Bachelor."
:29 Just being honest: Jason's kid, Ty, has Vulcan ears.
:31 OK, Molly is growing on me. I take back the deer-in-headlights comment. What I meant was that she's fallen in love... with eyeliner.
:37 How is this not weird for his parents? Now they're interviewing Molly. And this is all a year after they interviewed DeAnna (last year's Bachelorette), who turned down Jason at the end. And that's all a year after he got divorced... Wait a second. Why is he trying to get married so soon after all that, again?
:41 Proposal for next Bachelor installment: Heart rate monitors when the girls talk to the parents.
:47 Drama ahead, with DeAnna coming back, and a final reunion that, as host Chris Harrison says, is so "emotional and dramatic," ABC decided to keep it as intimate as possible. Evidently, intimate means lighting some candles on a sound stage, not "Hey, maybe we shouldn't televise this highly embarrassing moment for all to see."
:55 Date #2, and Melissa has busted out the bikini... and she has a tramp stamp! Somehow, although she jumped into freezing cold water and is wearing a white bikini, there is no nipple showing. So, when I don't want to see nipples, I see elderly ladies at the Walmarts popping out like its National Geographic. When I do, ABC gives the girl invisi-nips. Well played, ABC.

Part II, the second hour of the season finale, is up now, helping you avoid a novel-length blog post about The Bachelor.

To discuss Grammy commentary, with Jonas Brothers aplenty

I've already done a running commentary on the Golden Globes, so I'd be remiss not to do the same for the Grammys. Capricorn and I spent most of our Sunday evening watching this. I think I saw more Jonas Brother footage than I'll need in a lifetime. Don't read if you want to avoid spoiler or Kid Rock mentions:

• Before the Grammys began, Coldplay's Chris Martin was on 60 Minutes, telling the reporter he wishes the other bandmates would take over the spotlight, such as the drummer. "I want him to be a flamboyant homosexual drummer who says outrageous things." Have him compete on "Bromance," Chris!
  
• It's awkward when you don't know if the teenager on a rock star's arm is his date or his daughter.
• And the Grammys open with... a singalong with U2? Is that in case Bono forgets the lyrics?
• Whitney Houston, who looks like she finally ate something, initially appears put-together tonight as a presenter. But soon she gets back to the out-of-it Whitney we know and love. "She's acting like Anna Nichole," warns Capricorn. "She's gonna die next year." Whitney gives Jennifer Hudson a long, on-stage hug, presumably to whisper about the virtues of staying coke free.
• I'm not sure if Capricorn will ever get as excited over me as she is when she hears the Jonas Brothers AND Miley Cyrus are going to perform tonight. She's worried there might be backstage drama with a Joe Bro and Miley. I worry Kid Rock is going to introduce a Joe Bro to the chronic.
  
• I'd like to take this moment to point out that Chris Brown can't perform because he's currently being arrested for assault. That gave Grammy producers all of five minutes to throw together a back-up act of Justin Timberlake, Keith Urban, Boyz II Men and Al Green singing "Let's Stay Together." I wouldn't be surprised if producers peeked into the men's restroom and grabbed whomever was standing at the urinals. Fortunately for viewers, T-Pain pees sitting down and was not included.
• Coldplay is performing. Chris Martin's costume makes him look like a failed Nutcracker. To say he can't sing live on pitch is to say The Beatles were mildly successful.
• Carrie Underwood is up to sing "Last Name." Capricorn: "Jessica stole your man. It burns, doesn't it?"
• The Grammy festivities continue with Kid Rock singing about... kids starving to death and praying? Wait, wait, his final song is about Rock and Roll Jesus. Phew. I thought Kid lost his Bawitdaballs.
• Chris Brown gets announced for his nominated song, "No Air." I now realize that song was Jordin Sparks' plea for help.
• How did they convince Stevie Wonder to play backup keyboard for the Jonas Brothers? Capricorn: "You know they are good when Stevie is singing for them." She then proceeded to stare dreamily at them and use phrases like "age of consent."
  
• I used to like Coldplay. I really did. Now, I found myself actively rooting against them for Best Rock Album-- really hoping Kings of Leon would win. You know a band has fallen from grace when you are hoping Kid Rock beats them.
• Katy Perry's performance is up and she emerges from a giant banana, surely a Freudian reference as she sings about bisexuality. The camera pans to the Jonas Brothers (those devils are everywhere!). Capricorn: "I think they're squeezing their purity rings."
• Kanye has grown a fro/mullett. A Frollett?
• SWEET FANCY MOSES M.I.A. IS ABOUT TO GIVE BIRTH! Does her performance of "Swagga Like Us" include her water breaking all over T.I.? I have to think producers must have made her sign a waiver form in case she gave birth on stage. I can foresee a wardrobe malfunction involving a baby popping out.
• Now time for my favorite band, Radiohead, to perform. And they brought along the USC marching band. I love it. It's Blue Man Group, sans paint.
• Smokey Robinson leads a tribute to the Four Tops with the only living Top. Jamie Foxx and Ne-Yo join them... even though Boyz II Men are in attendance and are nominated for their Motown tribute album. Jamie, step away from the microphone.
• The Grammys really have the pulse on today's music: Jonas Brothers. Miley. Lil Wayne... and Neil Diamond! Everybody! "Sweet Caroline... ba ba ba..." I am a little concerned he's doing some weird speak-sing version that sounds like bad karaoke. But it has Paul McCartney singing along, so it must be (So) good(! So good! So good!).
  
• No word yet if B.B. King was checking his blood sugar during his performance. I would have appreciated a follow-up appearance by Wilford Brimley for an impromptu PSA on diabetes.
• A recap on Stevie's night: Back-up singer for Jonas Brothers. Closing act in which his song is used for background music on a Delta commercial and then plays while everyone walks out.
  

To discuss Super Wild Anniversary Part 2

For the first half of Blogaversary, go here...
For the second half of the narcissistic blogaversary celebration, in true sitcom fashion, I'm marking the occasion with high(low?)lights of past Wild ARS posts...
Most of this stuff just makes me shake my head and wonder what I was thinking:

• "You know you are a broke, broke man when 35 cents crushes your budget." Aug. 5
  
• I never did figure out what happened to my dinner- Aug. 7
• "Girls will notice if you touch their hands, even if it's lightly. God created them with sensors that detect things men can't detect, such as hearing a child's cry, the blooming of a flower, or the artistic quality of the Jonas Brothers." Aug. 11
• "So, let me get this straight- this dog survived some kind of Amish torture chamber where she may or may not have been touched in her private spot, and her smile reminds people of broken combs.... Sign me up!" Sept. 3
• "We settled on Madame Capricorn, which makes her sound like a fortune teller or a dominatrix, either of which sounds mysterious and wonderful." Sept. 22 (First mention of Capricorn)
• An entire blog post written on a typewriter: Sept. 30
• "Aubrey and D Woods, who wears a half-mullett, go on a "Sea Trek," which is kind of like scuba diving. Aubrey wears an ill-fitting bikini for the occasion, perhaps to attract male dolphins to her cleavage. Aubrey, watch out. Dolphins hit it and quit it." Oct. 9
• "When Lauren Conrad wants to feel sexy, she puts on"fancy panties." Something about that phrase sounds very unsexy, like they are rhinestone-covered granny panties." Nov. 12
• "I know I haven't had problems getting along with gay guys. They love me. A lot. Thank you, Connecticut- I got asked out by more gay guys than straight girls. (Ben: Do you want to grab a coffee sometime? Me: (awkward silence, then subtle nod))"Nov. 20 co-blog
• "Song lyric: 'Want her to look beautiful if Momma meets Jesus tonight.' ARS: Just a point of reference, man- Jesus spent most of His time taking everyone's shoes off and washing them, not putting them on. So, a nice foot bath would do the trick. Or a Bible." Dec. 15
• "If you get an erection and need to pee without a urinal nearby, you are forced to stand at a rakish angle normally reserved for Picasso paintings and spinal cord injuries." Jan. 4
• "Femi now declares he's "like a bald eagle," which means he's close to extinction or he shaved his vagina." Jan. 7

Thanks again... tomorrow is the Month in Review, and don't forget the season finale of Bromance is tonight! And by that, I mean, don't watch like usual, and let me summarize it.
Don't even get me started on Making the Band's new season. It's the stuff TV Play by Plays are made for...
And thanks to everyone who has participated in my embarrassing photo event; keep 'em coming.