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Thursday, April 9, 2009

To discuss As Seen on TV Week: Hercules Hooks

This continues As Seen on TV Week, full of product reviews, news and other stories of our favorite As Seen on TV products. Any product reviewed is something I actually own. Check here for a PediPaws review and for a ShamWow review. Feel free to comment on your own experience with these products:
Hey. Hey YOU! Yeah, the one without pants on! Have you ever sat around your home and... what's that? You're what? A hobo?
Oh.
Hmm.
Yeah, keep moving then, buddy. And stop staring at me like that... you're being a hobo creeper.

What about YOU! You there, sitting inside your nice home! Have you ever sat in your living room, staring at the wall, and wondering, "If I ever actually do something successful in life and get a plaque for my accomplishment, it would be great if there was an overpriced but effective wall hanging device that would leave only a pin-sized hole in the wall and would be easy to use. And would remind me of a mythical hero."

Then I've got the product for you: Hercules Hooks!

Using this steel-hard rod, just penetrate, turn and...Whoa, whoa! This is a family infomercial. What I mean is, just stab it into the wall, twist the hook and you've got a hanger that can handle just about anything. Just look at what you can hang:


Artwork: In just seconds, you can hang multiple frames. In just minutes following, you can realize you don't like that arrangement and need to change it. In just hours following, you can look at your legs and wonder if one is longer than the other because for the love of Peter Paul and Mary, you can't hang anything straight. In just seconds following, you can straighten all the pictures and stop being so freaking O.C.D.

Awards: Kate Winslet uses Hercules Hooks to secure all of her trophies to the wall. Well, no she doesn't, but she could. Although if Kate did this, she'd do it topless.

Hookers: Hookers Hooked on Hercules Hooks. Alliteration and fun for the whole family! Keep those streetwalkers in a convenient spot by the door, in the garage, in your closet while the missus is home... anything!

Witches: Why waste good rope at the town witch hunt, when you can hang any woman 150 pounds and lighter* on a Hercules Hook while you burn them alive for their supposed black magic, which was actually just them using THE AMAZING OXICLEAN... but I digress.

Pets: Ever get tired of your pet running around all the time? Ever think it would be freaking awesome to hang them on the wall? Ever wonder if the authorities would see this photo, think I actually did this, and take away Bailey from me for animal abuse? Cause I did. And no, I didn't hang Bailey by his harness, technically speaking. But I could, and so could you!

* Fat witches might need two Hercules Hooks. And a really sturdy broom.

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Actual Review: For an apartment dweller, these really do help, as they only leave a small hole, and they won't strip paint like some other hooks. You can't use them on a concrete wall, etc., but for drywall, it works great. Four out of five stars.

12 comments:

Heather said...

My landlord wanted me to use these in my house because she didn't want a bunch of nail-holes. I didn't have any, so I hammered away and made a bunch of holes anyway. Two days later she showed up at my house with a ziplock bag full of them. Yeah, they're still in that bag. By then I had already hung everything.
Guess I could try hanging Toby on the wall while I'm at work. He can't be destructive if he can't reach anything.

amindinmotown said...

If only you posted this review a few weeks ago before me and an automatic drill had a run in with my wall.

Sam_I_am said...

I heard that Billy May sued Vince for thieving his infomercial style advertising.

Racquel Valencia said...

Is it possible to love Billy May even more than Vince Shlomi? If only his name were Billy Shlomi all would be well in my world.

Also, these sound better than my ketchup bottle/thumbtack approach.

Miss Tiff said...

OMG. Poor Bailey.. I bet he will be glad when "To Discuss As Seen on TV Week" is over.

Soda and Candy said...

Bailey rocks.

I've been wondering if these are any good, thanks Andy!!!

TishTash said...

The potent combination of Billy Mays' volume and lisp always has me cowering under my bed covers.

He'll not only blast out your eardrums, he'll also spit on you. Good god.

Andy said...

Heather- That sounds like an Alanis Morissette "Ironic" vignette.
Motown- Did the drill go through the wall? Ouch.
Sam- Really? I think it's a different style. You don't hear Billy saying, "Those Germans make good stuff."
Racquel- Billy Shlomi sounds like a porn star.
Tiff- No animals were hurt in the making of this blog post...just wait until I get a Snuggie, though (it's in the mail from my mom, will post on it soon)
Soda- Bailey is a sport, I have to say.
Tish- That's a two for one special. And, if you call now, you'll also get a thick lumberjack beard and hairy forearms!

Kellie said...

Interesting. I've never heard of these before. Unfortunately they would never work in my house b/c it is built of steel. Okay, not steel but it may as well be b/c it bends nails like Beckham. Damn.

Lisa Loo said...

I just found you from your comment on Life just keeps getting weirder--had to come see who made me snort/expel crystal light from unattended orafices. Will be back!

Jenners said...

I think you have just found your calling. These posts are just so frickin' funny -- and oddly informative. I am ready to buy them now!!!!!!

Erin said...

Aha! This is why I have cement walls in my classroom. They don't want me using hercules hooks to hang children up around the room!

No children were harmed in the writing of this comment.

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